Joined: Feb 2012
5/16/14 9:08 AM
Just saw this..... Brought tears to my eyes that I am remembered.... fel very much like a burden.....
so hard to say, not doing well at all, yet stronger somehow
For explanation - Just before Pesach, my house burned down - the Shabbos lights, glass cracked, oil scattered....
Flames and smoke engulfed the house in a matter of minutes - I have no computer except at work for now so the reason, I can't even reach out..... Baruch Hashem all my kids and all the pets made it out! It is just things - but all of our things..... everything - The candleabras I used every week - the seforim - my favorite challah making bowl.... all a loss.
Trauma triggers trauma and so sent me into a state of disintegration with the DID - switching and losing time.... mostly in shock like walking thru life without feeling - as if I have novacaine running through my veins. But Hashem was still there in the flame and smoke, we got out safely - He wakened me when the smoke alarms didn't work - I awakened the kids.... We are now living - scattered in different homes in the community - we have been given clothing, the children's books have been replaced and I still have a job..... Brought so much up though....
What is a home - is it the structure, the things, the memories, the future, the present rituals, the people, the safety? We are all in exile from our true home... just as I am in exile from a physical illusion of a home. There is no safety except with Hashem... even then Hashem allows a person's safety to be disrupted - mine has been over and over again even when I daven and try to choose to do what is best - so all I can conclude is there is no safety as I perceive it.... yet I do yearn for my own home - do I yearn for the true home we are exiled from as much? But also, is there a piece of tranquility within - the glimmer from Ha Kodesh Baruch Hu? Left in confusion - there is no space to process when all are crowded together - no time to contemplate, where can I turn - but my mind won't allow me to avoid - the fire doesn't allow me to seal it away any longer....
I am told that this is bringing up much from my past that I have avoided - sealed away through the years, much like the chametz we seal away - acceptance of and burning away through fire and pain..... trauma triggers trauma.... brings it to the forefront -
This is what I have been grappling with:
Pain - Helpless - Trapped - Pain
Don't leave me cold and hungry and alone
Listen to my need and help me fill it
But why? Loss - nothing ever lasts
Don't get comfortable
Put in place a permanent home? None exists
There is nothing permanent but Hashem
There is nothing real - all is illusion
There is no future
My past proves to me that all is loss
There is only this moment, this breath
What is a home?
Is it the building, the items, the safety?
All loss - all illusion - all nothing
Safety does not exist
There is only Hashem
Even He does not give safety
Only the knowlege that He knows all
There is a plan
Hashem surpasses past - present - future
Only Hashem has Power
All other power is illusion
There is only helplessness
Born into pain and terror
Trapped in a life that I have no power to change
Yet Hashem has brought me into change
The only power is in this moment, in my choices
Yet nothing I do matters - or does it?
Nothing will change the pain
I cry out to Hashem
And still, the pain
I love HaKodesh Baruch Hu with my whole being
But do I trust?
Is there even a choice in that?
He alone holds Power
But where is love or comfort?
I cried out in my pain through the years
Over and Over and Over
He has been there within the pain
and still we are helpless to do anything about anything
So tired....when will the pain end?
I yearn for escape, for rest
Is that home?
Yet within the pain seems to be the healing - forcing me to connect more with the community around us - forcing me to confront feelings I have been unable to address - like silver being burned until all the dross is gone....
But I am so tired.....
Thank you for the post - I am only sporadically able to come here - must get back to work.....
You guys are great - Hashem does have a plan - I have to hang on to that - be strong - live today
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