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TOPIC TITLE: help! help! help!
Created On 12/9/05 3:19 PM
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bubbles
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12/9/05 3:19 PM
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Who could ever believe that emotional pain is so profound, intense and overpoweringly painful.

I am currently suffering tremendous emotional pain.
Sometimes it becomes unbearable, in fact it is unbearable most of the time, so much so, that I am finding it difficult being a good enough mother or wife.
I am in so much pain that I cannot give of myself to others.

And the source of the pain?
A hah ..... a whole other story.

It is the terribly heart wrenching pain of abandonement.
The feeling of being alone and unwanted.
Thrown out like a piece of garbage.
Unworthy of being noticed or needed.

Abandoned. A piece of nothing.

I am currently feeling these things now, and I can't stand the pain.
It has become too difficult to bear.

I feel stupid and ugly.
Bad, wicked and horrible. This is how I feel about myself right now.

It all ties in with therapy.
I feel that my therapist is moving away from me. Distancing herself. Is this just projection? Transference? Countertransference?

And if it is "just" those things, it is still umanagably painful.

It is all in reference to finances.
Now that T has changed the payement rules, the whole dynamic has changed. (at least for me it has)
I can no longer have sessions whenever the need arises, which has been anything from 3 to 6 times weekly.
I have lost trust in the process.
I am scared to involve myself too deeply in my emotions, whether past or present, just in case I cannot afford a session to get me out of a crisis.

I feel that she is backing away from me.
I am too needy.
I make issues out of every small occurence.
She must be sick of me. It is well earned I must admit. If I were my therapist I would too. And yet I still want her. I still need her. I still admire and like her.

Its horrible to be in so much pain over this.
She offers suggestions regarding payement, but all I can think of is that i need her, no matter what the finances are.
It suffocates me.
It drowns me.
I feel overwhelmed and so full of sadness.
I am having lots of difficulty holding all of this inside my heart.
i am having a hard time holding onto the "logic" of it. I keep going back to my horrible emotions.
It is paralyzing.

I am neglecting my childrens emotional needs because my own are so overwhelming.

I know there is nothing anyone can do.
I need to overcome this myself.
I truly hope Hashem will give me the strength.
Bubbles.


















 
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NeedSupport
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12/11/05 6:19 AM
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Bubbles, I truly wish I knew or had what to say to you to make you feel better.. but you're not alone.. I feel ugly, bad, wicked, fat, stupid, sick every day, all the time..
I hope you feel better very very soon.
I too have alot going on and always find s/thing to be depressed about. I just got divorced less then 2 weeks ago which is the best thing that could happen to me... I asked for it for a long time and it took a looooot of hard work, time, and nudging till I got to this point... I was in a bad marriage for over 5 yrs with no kids.. and it was murder... I'm soo glad I'm out of it.. so far I'm happy about it, I hope it lasts..
PM me if you want to talk more.
 
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ernie55B
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12/11/05 10:40 AM
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Bubbles,

Hashem WILL give you the strength! Just hang in there. Please.

Ernie
 
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silent
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12/11/05 9:43 PM
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Bubbles,

Just a thought regarding your children's emotional needs:

A therapist once told me and I believe it's true:

Yes, it is difficult for children to live in such emotional turmoil.
But, it is much healthier for them to live with their mother going through this turmoil in order to heal,
rather than them living amongst all of the unacknowledged emotions and confusion.

Best of luck,
Silent
 
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ernie55B
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12/12/05 1:48 PM
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Bubbles,

How are you doing today?

Ernie
 
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rapa4091
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12/13/05 8:50 AM
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Hi bubbles.
I have depression
I have kids
Im not the best mother (far from that) most of the time
Im struggling every day with my pain
My kids were suffering the consequences for a long time
How are you doing today?
 
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bubbles
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12/13/05 11:15 PM
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hi everyone,
thank you so much for thinking of me.
B"H that intense pain I was feeling last week has abated somewhat, and I can breathe easier now.

I am sorry rapa that u feel you are not the best mother. An interesting observation though, is that often the mothers who think that they are not the best, are usually better than women who would only admit to perfection.

Are u seeing a therapist?
Medication?
Both those things are of enormous help for someone who suffers from depression.

Have you been clinically diagnosed with depression?
Sometmes its easier "knowing" that your pain has a name, and that there is help for it.
anyway, welcome to the board, and i hope we will have the opportunity to "talk" more.


tc
Bubbles.

Ernie
hows it going?
u've been pretty quiet lately.
is all ok?
 
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ernie55B
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12/14/05 3:34 PM
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Hi Bubbles!

I'm really glad you are somewhat better this week. I hope it continues.
I have been really busy moving into my apartment and getting it set up.
I know in my heart that I did the right thing. B"H the kids are adjusting
OK so far. They came to me Monday night and were upset that they had to leave.
It is not that they like the fact that I put more cheese in the macaroni & cheese
than my wife, but the fact that even if I have to admonish them I don't make them
feel bad about themselves. They know they are loved for who they are, and not
just for what they do.
They are coming tonight again- I bought pizza doughs; we will make our own pizzas.
We do homework together and watch some TV.
This Shabbos I will be alone- so that will be a little hard.

My daughter in Israel is giving us more aggravation- if you can imagine that.
Don't know what will be with her.

Stay well please!
Ernie
 
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Torsalicious613
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12/14/05 6:06 PM
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hi guys! i am not depressed right now, but at times i am (the nature of being bipolar). i feel for you bubbles. i have felt your pain many times. just in shorter spurts deeper and more intense in nature. i go through about 5,223 emotions in a day, and each day they're different (that's a lot of emotions). i go through periods of feeling forlorn, hopeless, then happy and hopeful again. bubbles, i understand that i have some more relief than you, because of this. but pain is pain, no matter how intense or how long it lasts. i feel useless and rejected at times, usually most times because of my own doing (but that is a seperate issue/topic.) i have told so many people that i am bipolar, i'm sure all the more than 5,223 people in the world know. ha! one person knowing i'm bipolar for each emotion i have. that seems fair, doesn't it? i can't suffer in silence. it's just not my way. my brothers hate me, my classmates hate me, my teachers hate me. heck, i even hate myself (sometimes). but other times i love myself so much and i love others so much and others love me so much that it is hard to contain myself and my joy. ahh, also the beauty of being bipolar. it gets very emotionally taxing and confusing, not just for me, but i'm sure for other people as well. i just started taking voice lessons. tried...holding...it...in.... but ARGH! i told my voice teacher i was bipolar too. not too much to my surprise, it seems he kind of understood me (a bit more..) for a second. maybe it was my imagination, or he's had some experience with someone bipolar in the past. almost like he was familliar with it. but then the distance that is usually between us grew again. ahh, the honesty and beauty and well, complete degredation of admitting you're bipolar! i can believe he's had some experience with someone else bipolar however, because almost everyone's bipolar (it's much more common than you'd think) especially in the artistic circles (i for one am in, in this world, being artsy fartsy and well should we say atistically inclined myself.) my supervisor at work told me to tell other people that "i have depression". she said other people accept that much more over "i'm bipolar". she says there's more stigma over the unpredictability. whatever. i'm not gonna lie about it. if someone can't take that i'm bipolar, they just shouldn't stay around me, and aren't meant for me anyway. just got a threat from a guy who says he'll take a restraining order out on me if i call him or email him or contact him again (ouch!) but he is the one who initiated in the beginning of our relationship, then just backed out without saying why. what a jerk. he's got a girlfriend now. good. i hope she steps on his heart, rips it out, and shreds it to little pices. maybe then we'll be even. guys keep hurting me (emotionally). i have strange relationships with men, all men NONE excluded. men are strange. but then again (to a man and even some women), women are/tend to be/ can be too. in this sense men are easier to deal with because i have less in common with them. listen to me. i'm rambling on. i'll stop here. well, maybe not. i got a PERSONALIZED astrology report off the internet for fourteen bucks. good deal. (i'm really into astrology, which in itself states i would/could/should make an excellent astrologer myself) anyway, it said most of the pain in my life i will experience at an early age, and most of it will be from my relationships with men. but then it says later on i will enjoy a lot of prosperity, and find my soulmate who will make me very happy "and give mew satisfaction in life". geez, can't wait long enough for that, right? you'd figure that after all this time, he'd eventually get here in my life already, wouldn't ya? anyway, it says i've spent many lifetimes here on earth, and that if i do what i'm supposed to and make the right choices with my fee will, i might not have to come back to earth do do it all over again. here's to hoping that's true (i've been through whhhhaaay to much to come back here and do it all over again.) anyway, because i've spent so long here on earth, i've overdeveloped my sense of physicaliaty and emotional side. therefore, i overindulge, oversleep, over talk, and over think. all this is true believe it or not. and this is the abridged version. ha! take that danny! (my brother) who believes astrology is a bunch of crock. but i will always say this. you can't predict your future with astrology, but you can definitely tell certain things about one's personality because of it. tried and true. i wouldn't lie about that. oh, and my report is personalized because it has the spoecified time date and year of my birth, thus the placement of all the correct planets and spheres to define my personality and my personal traits. look it up. you'll se i'm right. not to diss judaism. in fact, astrology was created in judaism, i believe it's in early kavvalah teachings. anyway, see how i involve myself in miscellanious seemingly meaningless to othere people but meaningful things to me to keep me busy and not depressed? it works! distraction is the key, my friend. but it also gets in my way when i try to focus. got to go! bye guys. talk to you all soon. and just remember: if you are depressed, always remember it will end someday, even if you can't see it as so. that's what keps me going. i know that someday, somehow, some way, i'll eventually see a light at the end of this long, dark journey/tunnel that is my s****y life (use your imagination to fill in the stars.) no i'm not being vulgar/unjewish/unreligious. just real. there is pain in life, and we can't just coast through life thinking it doesn't exist when it does. we can distract ourselves, but pain will always be there. until we can work through it and come out the other side victorious. which we all will. it's just a matter of when mashiach eventually comes to frieken speed up the process already. bye!

atara


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what the hecka is a signiature?
 
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Torsalicious613
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12/14/05 6:18 PM
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oh, and "kavvalah"? i meant "KABBALA ". typing mistake. sorry. you know what email i just got? yes it was from a GUY. former boyfriend. he had asked me to come up for the weekend as a FRIEND, but he is alone again and starting a relationship with someone else because his "new" girlfriend (the one after me) "dumped" him because of "emotionl issues." figures. men. anyway, he said he doesn't want me to come up for the weekend, he's afraid "he'll lead me on". c***. men. just hurt me again, why don'tchya. YOU ALL ENJOY FREEGEN DOING IT TO ME OVER AND OVER AGAIN! WHY NOT DO IT ONCE MORE! you see my frustration with men. i've had more boyfriends than i can count. uch. i've gotta go home and do my patterns, the thing i most absolutely hate most in the world! it'll take me like 5 FRIGGEN HOURS! AT LEEAST. UGH. SCHOOL. ONE MORE FINAL AND I'M DONE FOR THE SEMESTER. GEEZ LOUISE. THEN I'M OUT. (til next semester. yyyyyyyeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaahhhhh. (not). well sometimes you gotta do stuff you don't wanna do to get something you want. catching the train. going home. bye.

atara


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what the hecka is a signiature?
 
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