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TOPIC TITLE: In a Slump
Created On 5/19/14 3:08 PM
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MoMo
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5/19/14 3:08 PM
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I'm in a slump for the past few days and don't know how to get out of it. I'm up most of the night trying to drown my pain in entertainment and sleep most of the day. I had a bad anxiety attack yesterday.

I think my problem is the feeling that there's no point in even trying since things just aren't getting better. I tried so hard on Shabbos to be productive but after spending a lot of time learning I felt this severe empty/dark feeling. I have no motivation to keep on knocking my head into a brick wall.
Spending my time alone in bed is enticing in comparison.

I don't want to be so stuck any advice?
 
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gad
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5/19/14 3:52 PM
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Maybe you can post on dr price's board, to see what he advises.

Hope to hear good news.
 
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MoMo
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5/19/14 4:59 PM
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I cant' get a grip of myself. I feel so low and demoralized. I have very few people in my life who care about me. I am so alone and so isolated.
I have this critical voice in my head berating me for not doing more to fight the depression. Like maybe I should force myself to exercise and force myself to be productive.
I'm starting to feel that it's all my fault for being too complacent.
But I don't feel like being guilted into doing things.

Anyone ever feel anything similar?
 
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gad
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5/19/14 5:26 PM
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Maybe you can separate the guilt feeling, from the feeling that you should push yourself.

So the guilt you can try to ignore or not think about it.

Whereas the feeling to force yourself to exercise is a good idea, and stands on its own merit.
 
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TBear
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5/19/14 7:27 PM
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Momo....oddly enough when i feel that down, like not moving,it has helped me to first accept that this is hard and a copingmechanism that has been useful in the past. Accept myself with love first, then think through what is perhaps a better way to cope today. Usually there is something i am fighting to stay away from- some pain i am trying to escape . By treating myself kindly right where i am...even stuck in bed... i am able to see more clearly

You are so good at supporting others, it would be great to turn that support inward.
 
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MoMo
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5/19/14 8:55 PM
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A relative of mine told me recently that I excuse myself too much and that I need to be tougher on myself. Because of this I'm back to beating myself up over the fact that I'm depressed and unproductive. I used to be more understanding but now I'm doubting myself and can't be patient and understanding with myself anymore.
 
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I'mTrying
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5/19/14 10:07 PM
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NOOOOOOOOOOO You are trying so hard! please don't listen to those voices. I know exactly what you mean, those feelings are so much more natural than trying to be nice to self.... But you gotta let yourself be, Momo, you are a GOOD person who is trying SO hard and is allowed to be accepting of your down days.
Hoping you can see that as well as i do...
 
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TBear
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5/19/14 10:11 PM
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I am so sorry your relative couldnt tolerate your reality and tried to fix you.... usually those comments come from someone who feels helpless and cares, just doesn't know how to....

You are the expert on you, and i am so sorry you are having a hard time
 
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I'mTrying
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5/19/14 10:12 PM
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It's so much easier to see how hard others are trying...

Quote

Originally posted by: MoMo
I've done that too many times to count..
Lately I do that much less and that's what counts.

Just move on and start the day over even if it's 5:00.

It's fascinating that we get caught in the same stuff. Apparently this is a normal reaction to out abnormal circumstances.

How was the rest of your day?


Edited: 5/19/14 at 10:13 PM by I'mTrying
 
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channafofanna
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5/20/14 6:31 AM
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Oy, im sorry you feel like that Momo!
 
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MoMo
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5/20/14 8:11 AM
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Thank you Tbear, I'mtrying, Channa and Gad.
It's interesting how anyone who's actually been in clinical depression realizes how important it is to be understanding and accepting of yourself even when you're not functioning your best. It's so easy for outsiders to say that you need more discipline.. what do they know?!?!
No I do not need more discipline I have enough if that. I need compassion and unconditional acceptance.
Shame on them for suggesting that I'm struggling because I'm not disciplined enough!! I was cruelly and ruthlessly abused and traumatized by my own parents. That's my issue not lack of discipline.

It's funny how people will warn about the lifelong effects of abuse but then when someone actually struggles for years and years afterwards they'll judge them. They'll say: How long can you blame your difficulties on your past?

I'll blame my past for as long as it takes for me to heal!!

I'm so angry. It's so unfair.
 
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keep climbing
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5/20/14 3:44 PM
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How is the day going, Momo. Any better?
 
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MoMo
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5/20/14 5:17 PM
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Thanks for asking!
It's the same :'(
 
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gad
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Quote

Originally posted by: MoMo
It's so easy for outsiders to say that you need more discipline.. what do they know?!.


Someone who went through it, understands what it's like. And someone who had training, or a good education about it, can know what it's like. Otherwise, people often have no idea. They can't relate, because they don't know.
 
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MoMo
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5/21/14 6:20 PM
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Thanks Gad and Keep Climbing!
 
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gad
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This week's Binah magazine (19 Iyar) page 34 is someone's diary of a depression, and also explanations (by a therapist) how it's not the person's fault etc.
 
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MoMo
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Thanks I'll check it out iyh.
How are you Gad?
 
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gad
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5/25/14 12:53 AM
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Trying to do good things.

How are you?
 
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MoMo
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5/26/14 4:54 PM
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Things have b"h been a bit better the past few days. I went on a second date last night which went well b"h. I'm busy with college and other things. I hope to take a mini-vacation tonight and tomorrow. Thanks guys for being there for me.
 
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Cutiestarr
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5/27/14 1:31 AM
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Aww! You are such a pleasure Momo. I wish you well. Hashem should bless you with the peace of mind you deserve .
 
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gad
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I second what cutiestarr says.
Hope to hear good news.
 
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channafofanna
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How was your vacation?
 
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MoMo
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Sorry for the delayed response.

I got very busy over the past few days and didn't end up taking that vacation.

B"h I had a great few days!! I am dating someone now and the shadchan said that she's very enthusiastic about it and likes me which is a good thing but I don't feel particularly drawn to her. We're going out again tomorrow evening I guess we'll see how that goes.

In the meantime my day today was a bummer. For some reason I was very lethargic and got nothing done. I need an outlet very badly but not sure what to do. I would watch something kosher but I don't have a laptop anymore. What do you guys do when you need a distraction?
 
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gad
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Maybe music
 
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I'mTrying
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Hi MoMo, how was your date? How is school? Basically how are you?
 
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mouse
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MoMo...was thinking of you. A possible outlet could be something simple or difficult....you could take a walk (I know, I hate movement too) or garden (even if you live in an apartment you can plant things on a balcony or near a window. I plant primarily food plants. I enjoy that. Maybe you'd like planting flowers...don't know...but you should give it a try. For me it has gone from being a failed experiment to a full fledged hobby my kids even participate in! (I used to always get tomato plants and kill them.) You can even listen to music (as gad suggested) while doing any of the above activities.

How was your date? Haven't heard anything from you in a bit. I'm hoping that means you have your hands full with dating .


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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channafofanna
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How are you doing Momo?
 
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mouse
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Inquiring minds want to know....


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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MoMo
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6/9/14 3:30 AM
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Hey everyone,
Thanks so much for remembering me!!

I went to one of these Shevuos hotel programs and b"h I was pretty much comfortable with myself which is a huge deal for me!

I dated someone 3 times but she wasn't for me. It was my first bad dating experience. She gave the shadchan a list of complaints about me most of which were inaccurate or otherwise insignificant. Like that I came 15 min late to one of the dates (I actually let them know ahead of time that I was coming late). Does she never come late to anything?

Another complaint was that I took a call during the date (I told her when I picked her up that someone needs a ride and he has no phone so I can't call him and that I might need to take a call for a minute. I apologized at the time and kept the call very brief...). A more positive person might have looked at the positive - that I care enough about others to offer a ride and be there for someone.

Another complaint was that I brought her home too late (I asked her more than once whether it was late and whether she wanted to return home. She even said that she would've told me if she thought it was getting late - she lied to either me or the shadchan..)

She was anyways a very negative person do I'm glad it's over.

The good news is that I have a first date tonight with an out of town girl. I'm excited because I heard amazing things about her.. Wish me luck.

As far as college I'm taking an online difficult chemistry class which I still haven't figured out how to enjoy but I'm getting more used to it.

Overall I'm doing b"h ok.
How are you guys doing?
For a while this place was deserted I miss everyone.
 
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gad
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Hope to hear good news
 
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mouse
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MoMo -- I hope it works out well with the girl you heard amazing things about.

I'm really, really happy though that you saw the other person for who she was -- negative and not entirely honest with you (or the shadchan.) In another life (many years ago perhaps) I could see you thinking it was YOU -- which it isn't. Sometimes people don't know what to complain about so they complain about the nonexistant. Sad, but true. Either way, you deserve the very best, and clearly she wasn't.

I'm sorrry this place was dead for a while (at least for my part in its dead-ness.) I really needed time away to get priorities in order. They aren't in order now either but at least I'm not feeling the way I was when I left.


-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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I'mTrying
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Wow hatzlacha with the date! I second what munkster said about your new viewpoint. kudos to you for seeing the truth.
 
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channafofanna
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How did it go?
How is college for you now? Are you almost done? Is chemistry hard online ? Or did you do most of your college online?
Yeah. Let's get this place alive again.
 
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MoMo
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Thanks Munkster and I'mtrying for pointing that out.

The date went smoothly b"h! We are going out again Sunday Iy"h.
For some reason I'm not so excited about her.. I'm going to try to keep an open mind and we'll see what happens.

For me Chemistry is hard in general but it's 10 times harder online. I'm getting a little sick of college but I'm gonna work on making it more tolerable and bring back the joy of learning.. This is my first time ever taking an online class. I still have another while to complete my degree.

What's going on in your lives Channa, I'mTrying, Munkster, and everyone else?
 
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mouse
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Awesome you had a good date. I'm glad you enjoyed her company, as that means a lot. I hope it works out for the best.

MoMo -- I think Chemistry is one of those courses that is hard no matter how its done. Doing it online in some ways may be the easiest way to get it done with. As long as your not a chem major, don't worry about it beiing boring. Not everything iin life is interesting (how I wish it though.) Try to keep a the broad view of college and where you want to go and what you want to be. If you're aiming to be a chemist, start worrying .

My life stinks...i wrote about it in the other posts so I'm not gonna drag on some more. Way I see it, it can't get a whole lot worse -- or it could -- I have the kids the whole summer with practically no budget. And then comes next school year when I homeschool....ewwwwwwwwwww. I hope everyone else's lives are just a tad (or even more) better than mine right now. Truth is though, I got a lot of nachas from an email I recieved from one of my children's teachers. My daughter finally shined in the spotlight and learned for the sake of learning witha teacher during recess. So, even for me something good happened.


-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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channafofanna
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Glad both of you are even a bit positive...
Im kinda at the same point as you, trying to get through college....
 
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MoMo
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I think I'm making progress in my life but I'm still frustrated about the things that aren't good.

I am frustrated that I am not doing well with my online class. I'm considering dropping it. I keep on thinking that perhaps I should get a good job but I don't want extra stress in my life. The job I'm thinking about is objectively a good opportunity but it's an hour and a half travel each way and it's an intense job. If I do that it will be my entire life. I'm not ready for that. Unless I relocate? But I don't want to relocate.

I guess the question is whether I can find a job closer to where I am now. Maybe I need to try harder to find a job. I'm not happy anymore in college :-(

Or maybe I need to become more disciplined in general and maybe then I'll be better at college? Or maybe I need to become less perfectionist. Like if I am willing to accept a bad grade and not focus on grades bit rather on the joy of learning maybe I'll do better and find it more satisfactory.

All I know is that right now I HATE COLLEGE. And in my situation I can't afford to hate what I do I'll burn out.
 
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TBear
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Today - I heard a country song which had me burst into laughter.... I was in the car and I don't usually turn on the radio - but listen to CD's - but I was so upset I just turned it on loudly - I think Hashem has a sense of humor and sent it to me just to get me to laugh..... The words were:

"...if you are going through hell, just keep moving , don't give up, keep on going, you might get out before the devil even knows you are there...." OK so the theology isn't so correct - but I liked the message - keep moving - keep trying - our only choice is in the present moment - and trying to do our best - not someone else's best - today......

So I put the CD back in - more uplifting Jewish music I could sing to - and decided I just had to keep trying and quit judging myself so severely, life is never going to be perfect - neither am I

We are still houseless from the fire - still so unsettled - still fighting overwhelming pain and the dissociation became much worse with the fire trauma.... ugh -

If it helps - MoMo I think you are doing great - it is a rut being in college - and I hated it - and I got through by reminding myself of the end goal - trying not to dwell on the difficulties of the present moment - the keep moving approach that it seems you are already doing! Hang in there you and channa - just get through...

Hope all goes well with the upcoming date MoMo.... will keep you in my prayers.
 
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MoMo
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Needed to hear that! I can accept the keep moving part but I'm having a hard time not judging myself I waste so much time and get so little done and I'm so undisciplined how can I like myself like this?
 
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TBear
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Because MoMo - you are likable whether or not you "waste" time - and by the way - relaxing time is not wasted time - but if you beat yourself up over it - give yourself a harsh judgement - then it drags you down and drains your energy so that a little time relaxing becomes a major struggle - everyone needs both efficient time at work - and some relaxing "down" time.... both -

(the only reason I see this - is because I do the same to myself) I was told to stop the thought - the judgement when I notice it and try to reframe it.....

 
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gad
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Quote

Originally posted by: MoMo
All I know is that right now I HATE COLLEGE.

Do you hate what you are learning, or do you hate the general experience?
What exactly do you hate? (You mentioned you aren't happy with the lower grades. Is that the only thing you hate about college, or is there more?)
 
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mouse
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MoMo, college isn't for everyone. Maybe step back and reevaluate what is important to you and what you'd like to do. I don't think you're supposed to HATE college . (My opinion I guess.) There are perfectly good jobs for non college educated people. Just a thought....and yes, I went to college and got my Master's degree and still feel that way. Also, another thought that may be contradictory....You don't have to LIKE college, you just gotta get THRU college. How many more years do you have and how many years invested??? It makes a difference when tallying the pros and cons of staying in college.


-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.

Edited: 6/22/14 at 7:03 AM by mouse
 
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wishtobehappy
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How's it going Momo? Any news?

For what it's worth, I also started HATING college after liking it for a while, but decided to push through to the end, because I was more than halfway through. For me, depression and moodiness tend to suck the enjoyment out of everything at some point.
 
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MoMo
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Hi everyone,

So I decided to take a break from College at least for the summer -I started an internship with a good firm. I am currently one day into it. I don't know if I can actually hack it or not. It's scary. People are telling me to just push through it I can try but I'm worried that I"ll fail.. I am dying to just be normal and be able to handle life and a full time job.

There is b"h a lot going on in my life right now. I am doing terribly financially -I currently have zero dollars in my bank account but a close relative who is very generous with me said she'd send me money -I hope it comes soon.

For some reason on Friday and Shabbos I felt withdrawal symptoms (headache restlessness etc.). I wish I knew why I am feeling this way. The only thing I can think of is that I used to take the generic medication Concerta and for some reason my pharmacy gave me the brand name this time. Could that be causing withdrawal symptoms? I emailed my doctor but it will take him a few days to get back to me and in the meantime I have to work! Any ideas what I should do?

I said yes to a shidduch suggestion but the shadchan said that it will take the other side a while to get back to me with an answer so in the meantime I gave a yes to another suggestion -this was Friday. Tonight another shadchan got back to me that a third person said yes to me! Which one should I meet?

Wish, how are things going regarding a job? How are things in general? Are things getting easier with your children?

Mouse, how are things by you? How was Shabbos?
 
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mouse
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MoMo, I'd take the first girl ready to go out unless there is some reason you'd want to wait. (For example, if one girl is better qualified in middos, or whatnot.) Having no money in bank account is scary. Been there. I hope the money gets to you soon. And, btw, you ARE normal. You just happen to have some quirks (called personlity) that although you don't like, others do.

I did horribly over Shabbos. I spent the entire time trying to figure out if I should overdose. I'm so tired . I'm frozen. And I can hardly think straight because I keep dissociaing.


-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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keep climbing
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M, we're with you. You are not alone in this mess.
 
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wishtobehappy
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I second that. May you feel better soon.
 
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wishtobehappy
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Congrats on the new job Momo! That's a big step. Sure sounds like there's a lot going on in your life. Hatzlacha on whatever you decide in the shidduchim department.

I'm doing okay. Thanks for asking. Having ups and downs as usual, but less downs and more ups b"H. Having a job is extremely stressful for me, but staying home drives me mad and is not an option. I've been on the verge of giving up my job many times, but so far have managed to hold it down for a few months, one day at a time. I did switch departments, which made it easier. I also make sure to get lots of support, without which, I would have crashed a long time ago.

My kids are doing good b"H. Getting older and begging for a baby. I'm kinda torn.

Financial stress is a real bummer. Hope things improve for you soon.
 
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MoMo
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Thanks guys!
Wish, that sounds difficult!
Mouse, do you have family/friends to reach out to who might be able to help?

Is there any way to get some help ttherapy-wise?

I really feel for you I wish I knew how to take all the pain away

KC thanks!
 
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mouse
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MoMo...I hope the job is going well for you. Thinking of you.

No real way to get help therapy-wise at moment without putting my situation more at risk. My family doesn't know about my difficulties (or they do and make pretned they don't.) My best friend likes to make pretend I'm as happy as I sound to her (I'm usually cheerful sounding around her.) When I hint about the depression and other stuff, she gets too worried and in general says she doesn't want to know. She's a good friend. But she has her own issues in her own way and doesn't know how to deal with my reality. I'm thinking about going back into the hospital or going to a day hospital part-time and leaving the kids on their own with during the day. I can't figure out what is better.....a summer with having me home twice a week OR a week with me being away all the time (inpatient.) I don't know what to do. . I don't want to kill their vacation.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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