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TOPIC TITLE: Bar Mitzvah coming and not excited
Created On 5/11/15 6:28 PM
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mouse
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5/11/15 6:28 PM
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My son's Bar Mitzvah is coming up really soon and I'm not excited. I am trying to get it togethr but I can't. I know the problem behind it is that my own parents cannot come as they each died of differeent causes in my 30's. It is making me depressed ad down. I don't want to do anything related to bar mitvah.......Any suggestions o make it easier???? I really wan to run away from home now


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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keep climbing
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5/12/15 6:33 AM
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When is the bar mitzvah?
In my experience, simchas can be really tough when you have a mi.
 
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channafofanna
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5/12/15 7:12 PM
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First of all, mazel tov.
Secondly, sounds really hard. Is this the first time youve faced a challenge like this? Does a similar situation occur around yom tov? Are there ways you have delt with it before?
Im not sure what exact emotion is feeding the depression, like what thoughts about your parents deaths are making it hard for you, but perhaps you can make it towards their memory? Like with the intention of them looking down with pride at you after you got the whole bar mitzvah together for their grandson?
Im not sure if thats helpful but maybe you can tell us a little bit more of your thoughts and feelings so we can make better suggestions.
Regardless of the emotions though, what is always helpful is chunking big tasks into little ones so that they feel more managable. And of course trying to eat and sleep well ( and maybe some excercise?) always make things a little more bearable, in additon to having some " me time" if you can manage that.
 
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MoMo
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5/13/15 10:19 AM
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Oy that's so hard!

Do it for him. You're parents will be so proud!
I wouldn't focus on doing it perfectly.. just one step at a time.

I would think that it all comes down to being able to grieve for your loss while still being there for your son NOT AN EASY TASK!

Are you in therapy?
 
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mouse
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5/13/15 4:15 PM
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First, thanks for the support folks. I guess I'll answer the questions in order. The bar mitzvah is this summer. I dread it. I dread the summer. I dread the simcha. I dread seeing people. The WHOLE DEAL. I miss my parents....mostly my dad but my mom too. I don't feel like the simcha would be complete without them. Even worse, the words of my mother in law haunt me. She died over the course of three weeks from cancer. She told me crying when she finally came to terms that she was dying that she was so sad because she'd miss the bar and bas mitzvah of my kids. For my daughter we spent time with my father in law who is still alive. But this is different. People expect SOMETHING!!! I just don't feel like I can or want to. Furthermore, I'm not sure my son is ready for it emotionally. (We had a rough day today but that's a whole nother post.) I'm in therapy but really don't want to touch this issue. It's too hard. Not sure I can.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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MoMo
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5/13/15 4:25 PM
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Do you trust your therapist?
Is he/she good?
 
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MoMo
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5/13/15 4:28 PM
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I'm so sorry for all those losses I can tell that it's so painful I wish I knew how to comfort you
 
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wishtobehappy
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5/13/15 6:35 PM
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Simchos can be really rough, when you're not doing well. Wish I had the right words to make you feel better about it, but all I can say is that I understand.

I still have a while (2+ years) until my own son's Bar Mitzvah, but I've been bugging my husband about doing it in Israel - at the Kosel, (as a cop out.) My parents are alive b"H, but the family situation is volatile, and I don't feel like dealing with all that stress on top of my own moods. Maybe I'll still change my mind until then.

Keep us posted on how the preparations are going, mouse. G'luck!!
 
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mouse
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5/14/15 2:58 PM
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MoMo...to answer your question....she is a good therapist. Not great like the last one, but good enough I guess...either way considering the other choices, she'll have to do.

Wish, I begged my hubby to let us do it in Israel. He says it's too expensive. (Meaning he doesn't see why we should and he doesn't feel like it, I think.) . My family situation isn't great. I really feel like my sibs are pains and too much friction with some. We have some solutions....like meals at the Rabbi's house/shul and stuff but it doessn't calm my sense of uneasiness.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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wishtobehappy
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5/14/15 9:37 PM
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The expense is a bummer. I seriously need to start saving up for it.

Feeling uneasy about it is totally understandable. Family can get under your skin like nothing else in the world. Eating the meals at the Rabbi's, even if an imperfect solution, sounds like good plan.

Hope you are able to enjoy some parts of it, even if just a teeny bit. Good luck! Stay strong!
 
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keep climbing
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5/15/15 7:20 AM
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This helped me when I made simchas:
Ask for help.
Get rid of as many "shoulds" as you can. It's your simcha and you deserve to enjoy it. So if you want s/ting small and simple, do it that way. Don't worry about what other people think.
Set aside certain times to work on it. Don't let it overtake your whole life.
If you can, remember that this too shall pass, and you may actually miss having kids at home.
Hope this helps.
 
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mouse
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5/15/15 2:37 PM
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Thanks KC for the advice....I'll try to listen to it as much as possible.

The good thing about the Rabbi's house is that he insists on separate seating for men and women even if it is our family. This works out well as I have only one female siblling . Antisocial, maybe, but sane, that too.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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channafofanna
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5/17/15 12:22 PM
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The meal at the Rabbis house seems like a good solution to some of the stress ( sorry it dosent make you fel infinitley better though =( )
Any other things that are realistic for you to do to make it a little less stressful and more tolerable?
 
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TBear
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5/17/15 7:32 PM
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Sending support Mouse for the Bar Mitzvah! I had to try to do one without money, a husband or any grandparents or Aunts and Uncles. We did it as simply as we could and it turned out beautifully. The dinner at your Rabbi's is great - we did ours as a "pot-luck" at the Yeshiva ( only approved cooks)... The community came together to help - maybe you can find that kind of support.... we even had someone volunteer to do music and we had dancing! It is amazing how much can be done without the excess money being spent. We hand delivered the local invitations to save postage, the invitations were designed by an artist in the community and the wording by my son's Rebbe.... I won't say don't be nervous, because that is impossible - I will say accept the non-acceptance and anxiety as the normal reaction it is and that will help, be kind with yourself and your circumstances..... The simcha in the Simcha is the most important part and will last in your son's heart and memory far longer than any amount of money or fancy preparation will ever do. Wishing you the best: a Simcha with simcha!
 
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wishtobehappy
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5/17/15 10:05 PM
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Thanks for the advice Keep Climbing and Tbear. Although it was meant for mouse, I'm taking notes. I've been worrying for years about how I'll manage the Simchos, never mind, marrying my kids off. It freaks me out. I have no clue how everyone else does it.
 
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MoMo
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5/17/15 11:59 PM
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Tbear that's amazing!
 
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mouse
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5/20/15 5:40 AM
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TBear, you have me inspired. That was amazing.
Channa...aside from what I have so far, no clue what I can do to make it easier. Just davening for a miracle....like my kid turns 14 instead .


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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channafofanna
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5/26/15 7:30 PM
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Lol. While I do hope you get a miracle, it may help for you to prepare in advance such as asking the Rebitizen if theres a room you can hide in for a few minutes if things get tough, arranging the seating in a favorable way, planning on taking walks after meals with your husband to decompress, "helping" in the kitchen. getting your nails and shaitel done so you feel pretty etc, Obviously it will still be a challenge, but planning " In case of emergency" strategies can help not only when the bar mitzvah comes but alleviate some of the dread and anxiety beforehand.
 
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