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TOPIC TITLE: When is Enough ...enough?
Created On 6/1/15 5:23 PM
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TBear
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6/1/15 5:23 PM
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OK - Sorry guys - but I am venting.....

Today I was at work early after a rough weekend worrying about my daughter - trying not to blame myself, etc.... trying to accept ... easier said than done.

One of the students at the school where I work was rolling down the hall on a rip stick and rammed into me by accident. Now he apologized and it wasn't a bad hit.... but it sent me into a flashback. I have been thrown around and hit a great deal in my past - not now thank G-d, but the hit brought back a new memory from the past... disorienting - awful

I hate myself right now - I hate my life - I know there is much to be thankful for but right now I am feeling finished - done - over done...... It was just a year ago that all I owned when up in smoke - why couldn't I have been part of the smoke?!?!?!? Every day is a struggle even if I didn't have the past I have..... but Why G-d - Why????? My ex used to call me his property and ..... I don't see how I was able to live with it - to dissociate it away - I have forgotten so much of it - I am told by the older children that I defended my kids - just didn't defend myself and couldn't be there always ..... so my kids problems, my fault.... why did they have to have me as a parent?.... ugh, my mind was shattered by my childhood and then my husband - adds up to more than 40 years of abuse and pain... and now that they are gone - what? I still can't get away from it ..... can't take much more...... feeling awful - therapists have said it was extreme.... that I was like a prisoner.....

I left work and just drove off to a park for the afternoon. but now I have to pull myself together for my kids. I don't know how - they deserve so much better.

Why am I all they have? and where do I turn? Hashem Yerachem! Enough! Can't take much more... It isn't now.... I am safe now..... I have much to be thankful for.... so hard.

Apologize for the venting... just struggling and trying not to isolate completely - am told I need more support, but the majority of the frum world wouldn't be so understanding..... and it would hurt my children for this to be public or known...... feel like I am imploding! Really am tired of this painful existence. The flashback has left me very depressed and out of sorts..... I know - it is not now. So I wonder - Hashem, what is the plan? I give up!

 
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wishtobehappy
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6/1/15 7:25 PM
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Feel free to vent as much as you want. This is what we're all here for.

I'm sorry for the unimaginable pain you're going through. You sound like an awesome mother, and an amazing human being. I'm not in heaven and don't know the reasons for the tremendous amount of suffering and hardships you'v had to endure, but I'm sure beyond a doubt that Hashem is mighty proud of you. I, for one, would have cracked up a long time ago under this kind of pressure. The way you're dealing with all this is truly inspiring. Hold on tight and hang in there. Hope you pull through quickly and see the light at the end of the tunnel very soon.
 
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keep climbing
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6/1/15 8:09 PM
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Tbear((((HUGS))) Please remember that we're all here to support you always. You are never alone! I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better. I don't I can only say that we are with you, holding your hand, davening for you. And I truly believe that things will get better for you. Hashem should make it happen SOON!
 
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TBear
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6/1/15 9:55 PM
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Thank you so much Wish and Keepclimbing! It actually helped to vent, to sort out my feelings -and to be heard... and especially to know that there is someone who is there and knows ...and I am grounded again.

It took longer than usual to recover this time..... When flashbacks hit, I am totalled,

But now, I am back and am able to look at the loving community surrounding me and the many brachas I have. Hard to hold the good and the bad - the thoughts and the feelings- at the same time, and yes - I want circumstances to change! I also know I cannot let my circumstances dictate my happiness or trust in Hashem's ultimate wisdom in what I have been handed.....

I know what to do and think.... but what I feel is so at odds with my thoughts at these times.

Would sure like to get out of some of this. Strange though - the flashback, as awful as it was, put some puzzle pieces together for me and I understand some of my reactions better now - I will be more self-aware, so there was a bracha in the pain.... Hate that it throws me so out of sorts though. Won't I have something to discuss at therapy this week!

My daughter is still gone and I haven't heard from her.... My past hasn't changed, nor have the economic pressures , circumstances are the same - but I am not the same as I was earlier today. Your responses meant more than you know - Many thanks!


Edited: 6/1/15 at 9:58 PM by TBear
 
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wishtobehappy
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6/1/15 10:30 PM
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Wow. I hope you realize how strong and amazing you are.. I feel humbled.

Glad that venting helped. Your daughter is in my prayers. Hope things turn around for the better soon!
 
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mouse
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6/4/15 6:47 PM
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Tbear....writing this quickly because just took my meds....want to write more tomorrow....I hear you. I feel for you. I may not be in exactly your shoes, but I get it. I'm davening for you. Realize that just existing is a form of victory. Things really are hard for you -- it isn't your imagniation or all in your head. In some ways, I wish it were. Either way, we're rooting for you. Hopefully things will get better soon. HUGS


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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channafofanna
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6/6/15 10:28 PM
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I dont really have anything brilliant or helpful to say...
Im really amazed by your strength though. Even if you may not feel strong...
 
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TBear
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6/7/15 5:31 PM
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Thank you so much - all of you!!!!!

I really appreciate the support. My therapist said I need to work on shame again.... seems it rears its ugly head everytime a new traumatic memory surfaces.

You guys are great!
 
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toy123
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6/7/15 7:55 PM
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TBear you are absolutely amazing!!! I am not married and don't have any kids but I can't even imagine the pain you must be in watching your daughter go down the path she is going and having to deal with all the memories/flashbacks. Stay strong!! You can do it!!!! We are all here to support you!!!


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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wishtobehappy
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6/9/15 7:18 PM
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Well said toy.

Stay strong Tbear!
 
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keep climbing
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6/16/15 12:12 PM
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Tbear, how are you doing? How was your week?
 
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mouse
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6/19/15 5:56 AM
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Tbear, how are things???? How is your daughter??? Any progress??? I'm hoping and praying it all works out. You never know the long-term effects of your struggles. Sometiemes it lands up bringing you closer to the person giving you the most grief at the time. Hashem works in His own way. Hoping and davening for things to stabalize.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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TBear
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6/21/15 11:48 PM
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Thank you so much for asking, and for all the support.

Having a major struggle still. Haven't heard from her in about a week now.... so worried. Have to leave it in Hashem's hands - I have done all I can - more than one Rav has said so, just feels so helpless.

I am trying to focus on my other children and grandchildren.... and on hope. Taking a weekend to myself to regroup. Tend to isolate when in pain - but that is needed to grieve for the dream that is never going to be and acceptance of the present reality. The losses and effects of mental illness are tremendous. Yet it is a silent mourning and loss that cannot be spoken of because of how the frum world views family members... shidduchim for my children and what of me? Is there any hope for me to ever be loved as an equal in a marriage relationship - who would be willing to take on this baggage? Yet - I have to have hope and emunah in G-d's greater plan. There really is nowhere else to look and nowhere else to put my hope and trust. Feeling really down and alone - but feelings pass, like waves of the ocean. All that remains is love for family and friends, love for G-d and clinging to the emes of Torah. doesn't change the pain, just makes it more bearable.

Thank you all....
 
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keep climbing
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6/22/15 8:13 AM
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Tbear, when you're battling a hurricane, standing ground is also a victory. So be proud that you are coping as best as you can.
I also tend to isolate when in pain. I guess it's normal to those of us who grew up with abuse. Still, when I push myself to share ( and I can't always) I feel better.
I have seen so many miracles in my life. There is always hope. Things can turn around in ways we never dreamed. We have to trust Him, as you are doing.
I recently joined a support group and the coordinator, has written a good article about starting a conversation about mental illness in the Jewish community. Find it at denacroog, the jewish standard.
It's really up to us to open the issue, but I'm not quite sure how. One point that she mentions, which I agree with, is that if we would tell our friends....about it, it wouldn't come as a shock to them. They probably know something even if we don't talk about it.
Thanks for sharing your struggles. You cannot imagine how much this site means to me (maybe you can!)
 
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wishtobehappy
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6/22/15 11:14 AM
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Sounds like you're doing amazing under the circumstances Tbear. Stay strong!
 
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mouse
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6/22/15 6:36 PM
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Tbear,, I'm sorry. I tried hard to read your whole reply , but couldn't get past a few words . I have a ssevere headache right now and looking at a line
iof writing is nearly impossible . i'm hoping and praying you can stay as stong as you have been these past few wks. I admire your stregnth.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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TBear
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8/17/15 7:56 PM
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So - I guess Hashem didn't think it was enough ...Hashem Yerachem!

My daughter who was gone, came back.... Baruch Hashem she is alive - has had some re- traumatization while gone - two hospitalizations while gone - but came home just before TishaB'Av.. I knocked on her room door and when she opened it - I smelled smoke - she said - Oh it is the room heater (in the summer?!) So I said, " if so there is an electrical fire" - and pushed open the door to see a man - twice her age - teeth missing - sitting on her bed, smoking!!!! I threw him out (surprised i was not terrified of him - he was head and shoulders taller than I, and large...I was shaking ...) ... Furious at my daughter for sneaking him in..... my Rav said I should have thrown her out as well - so she can live on the street and be hurt more? I didn't, she has decided to stay - has gotten a job nearby and has agreed to live by house rules - or she is OUT and the police will be called on anyone I do not approve found on my property. She has somewhat settled - she still needs to go to therapy and get stabilized as far as moods and depression cycling with manic behavior.

But that isn't enough?!?!? So the next week... (two weeks ago)

- another daughter - 22 years old with severe social anxiety, PTSD, and depression - her therapist dropped her and that means the psychiatrist in that office also dropped her - on 3 different meds. They increased the anti - depressant and gave us 3 months of prescriptions - but she snapped - went into a psychotic reaction - disappeared for more than a day - we had the police with dogs out searching the nearby parks.... she showed up on her old therapist's doorstep - completely naked, cut up and totally dissociated! I am told to get her help - took her to a hospital - but they didn't admit her - once again, she is over the age that I can force anything and she is opposed to seeing anyone - her thinking has gone into psychoses in waves and into total opposition and isolation when not in her psychotic thinking mode.....

I am told I need to get tough - but that is not in me - how tough - how do I know how to handle them- I love them both but I have no control over their decisions and choices and I don't even know what the right choices are anymore, sometimes the most loving thing to do is to be tough..... I really have tried my best, then there are the other younger 3 children in the house..... I have no one to go to but my therapist and he is frustrated as well, my Rav doesn't know what to say either - What does Hashem want from me? Just wish I could give up - want to die, but that would not be fair to the younger ones - don't they deserve a chance? But if this is the result of my parenting, maybe me being gone is the best thing - but what about the command to "choose life" How?

I am told it isn't my fault that these are chemical reactions of the brain, disease.... but I can't help them if they don't choose to be helped - I am also told it is probably inherited from my extremely abusive ex-husband.... kicks in in the late teens and early twenties...

I have been working so hard not to fall into depression so deeply myself or into total decompensation into the dissociative aspects of my personality..... but i can't hold on much longer.... so much loss to mourn, feel like crying and exploding at the same time - can't even daven the rote prayers right now - just my own words from my heart - so tired, hopeless and helpless....

So I came here to rant - haven't been available with all that is going on to even come online until now..... not much good to people here either; OK - now i have gone from ranting to whining.....

Sorry






 
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MoMo
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8/18/15 4:24 PM
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I have no words
I feel for you so deeply
 
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wishtobehappy
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8/18/15 6:35 PM
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Tbear. Don't know what to say.. No clue how you handle it all. Just want to say I care and you're in my prayers.
 
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TBear
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8/19/15 9:10 PM
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Thank you guys.... appreciate being heard. I actually told someone yesterday when they were commenting - Hashem doesn't give you more than you can take - trying to encourage me, I know.... I however had a small explosion - and told them that yes Hashem gave me something to teach me I cannot do it all on my own - I have no one and the community "hush hush" stuff is isolating when I need help - Perhaps Hashem is teaching me I need to ask for help and battle the stigma!

Anyway - I found some free services that will help me to deal with what I have been handed - not Jewish - but I need help!

It is called NAMI: http://www.nami.org/

They have support groups and educational meetings and even help you find services that you need.... sick of the "hush - hush" attitude of the Jewish community and the stigma! Hashem has handed me a full plate of stuff. I am assured by therapists, psychiatrists, many rebbeim and a Gadol himself spoke with me - it isn't my fault! (yes - I was trying to blame myself and that is not helpful) So I need to do the best I can to take care of these precious hurting neshamot I have been given to parent!!

Also have to continue on my own healing path..... the depression and dissociation is hard to battle... But if I am to serve Hashem with all my heart - I need a whole heart. Please Ha Kodesh Baruch Hu, heal us. like it says in Tehillim 147....He who heals our brokenness and binds up our wounds....

Thanks for being supportive

 
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MoMo
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8/21/15 2:01 AM
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It's a myth that hashem doesn't give you things you can't handle.
There are sources in seforim that say otherwise.
It's a saying with no basis.

For reasons we don't understand hashem does give people things they can't handle it's the plain hard truth.

T bear I'm so glad you're able to see that it's not your fault!!!!!!
You're a precious neshama please take good care of yourself and yes please use every resource possible!!!!
 
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TBear
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8/26/15 8:52 AM
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Guess i am having to handle a loss that cannot be spoken.....

I realize I am feeling the loss of my daughters....I pray that they somehow come back. I watch as the little girls I knew and held - the intelligence and creativity, the laughter and wit I saw develop over the years as they began to talk, walk, dance and color, I watch it slip away - disappear and I am told it is an illness that takes it away - they are here physically in front of me..... but somehow it isn't them - and no one knows - and i still have to function - and the day to day stress feels as if I cannot handle it anymore.

Loss of a dream of the future that must now change.... have to accept the present situation and try to make the best decisions I am capable of.... I cannot even bring myself to pray except to say - Hashem Yerachem - Help!

So I am venting, so that maybe I can think and work - i know there is little anyone can do.... just hear. I am falling into depression and my DID is kicking in - feel like I am losing it!
 
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keep climbing
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8/26/15 10:58 AM
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Tbear, you are not alone. We are always here for you and feel your pain with you.
I know that the zchusim you have from always posting beautiful, encouraging words will always be with you. They are eternal. Our pain and sadness is temporary.
Things seem so black now. I know you feel that. But they CAN change for the better in ways we cannot predict.
We are Yidden and we don't give up!
 
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mouse
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8/27/15 4:14 PM
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TBear, I hear your pain and wish I could take it away. Hashem works in mysterious ways. You never know......It hurts to see what could have or should have been the life you wanted for your daughters taken away. I'm going through similar pains on a much, much smaller level. It makes me cry. It makes me sad. But you just have to take what you have been given, challenges and all, and make the best of it. Even if the best isn't perfect. I daven that things get easier for you and some form of a fix can be made for your daughters.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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TBear
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8/28/15 5:42 PM
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Thank you so much for your responses....

Keep climbing - I do appreciate your optimism - I am feeling like they are never going to come around, no matter how much I try to love them and get them the help they need - if they refuse, there is nothing I can do....

Mouse - sorry you are having similar issues - I am so bottled up though I can't even cry about it - I have totally turned off it seems.

I am still slipping deeper and deeper into isolation, hopelessness, apathy, depression and ..... really what is the purpose? - what has been good in my life? - so often I only hung on because of my children.... or I don't even know why I hung on as a child.....

Realized that this time of year is another triggered time - like Oh yeah (when my therapist asked if there was something else - because this is not like me).... anniversary of an horrific incident...dating back to very young and effecting me throughout the years.... pretty bad - sent me into flashbacks all night - have to process the source - but don't have the energy to care..... just want it to all stop!

But then again facing the storm head on is usually better than running from it (which serves to prolong the pain)... but I cannot take on too much or I will have to be hospitalized and then what hope is there for my kids. There is no one to care for the ones at home, two are barely functioning themselves, two are doing well, B"H, and one is struggling to understand.....

Shabbos - I end up staying in and just sleeping.... people are beginning to ask.... but in some ways it helps me to re-group for another week of the daily uncertainty and routine.

What does Hashem want from me? I have to keep trying.... don't I?

Makes me wonder how to go forward.... Rosh Hashannah coming..... Oy Veh

Good Shabbos - it is Elul....
 
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keep climbing
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9/9/15 10:37 AM
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How are things going, Tbear?
 
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