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TOPIC TITLE: Anyone depressed but not THAT depressed?
Created On 6/3/15 10:58 AM
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ForeverYoung
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6/3/15 10:58 AM
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I am new to this site and this is my first post. I guess it is obvious but I am still working on admitting that "I suffer from Depression." I am extremely embarrassed about it and would never be bold enough to share this with anyone in real life. It is a secret I have kept from the world my entire life. I have finally begun to realize that I need help since the pain I experience everyday is eating me up inside. I realize that I cannot deal with this alone anymore and that I need a support group. I am not on meds and I do not see a therapist. I have a very difficulty time trusting a therapist who is getting paid to listen to me. If you met me on the street you would never know how much I struggle. Only my husband really knows. Typing this is extremely difficulty because I have kept this secret hidden for so long. My story is not the typical one. I did not suffer from any abuse, have never tried cutting or to commit suicide, have a loving family and amazing friends, a wonderful husband, a great job, an outgoing and bubbly personality. But deep down I know that I am suffering from a mental illness. When I was little, I used to think that everyone was hiding the same secret and that everyone was secretly depressed and that it was not just me. I also used to think that I was being video taped and would some day be a famous singer or actress but thats a different story. As I got older, I learned that I am suffering from a mental illness that not everyone can have or relate to. I wish I was strong enough to scream it to the world "I suffer from depression!!!". I wish I was bold enough to start a support group in my area for women who suffer like me. But I am not. All I know is I cannot continue to deal with this by myself and I need help.
 
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keep climbing
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6/3/15 11:50 AM
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Welcome! You've come to the right place.
I also spent years fighting the idea that I was depressed. There was a lot of mental illness in my family, and I refused to be part of the party. So I minimized my suffering and nobody knew except my husband...So, I get where you're coming from.
 
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TBear
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6/3/15 1:21 PM
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Welcome -

Sending support, you are not alone.

It is a stigma in our communities which serves to isolate.... so sorry you are suffering.

TBear
 
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wishtobehappy
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6/3/15 2:08 PM
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Welcome to the site! All of us understand what you're going through to some extent. I hope you find some support here.
 
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mouse
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6/4/15 6:51 PM
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Welcome. You're not alone. Just as you wouldn't be embarassed if it were diabetes or a broken arm, you shouldn't be embarrassed if it is mental illess...in this case depression. It isn't easy to see that depression isn't a negative personality trait but it is an illness - and if you are doing the best you can. Don't compare yourself to someone else - it is useless. Just be grateful you are yourslef.


-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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channafofanna
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6/6/15 10:31 PM
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Hey! Welcome!
I just want to commend you fo taking a big step towards healing, cuz your post shows that you are doing that. So kudos to you and hope to see you post more so we can get to know you
 
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ForeverYoung
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6/8/15 1:49 PM
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Thanks everyone for the warm welcomes and replies. I forgot to mention that I often have pretty severe anxiety as well. My husband is extremely supportive but cannot understand how even the littlest things stress me out- a messy room, getting up in the morning and arriving to work on time (I start really early), making a decision, driving somewhere I have never driven before, taking baby to doctor myself, cooking, cleaning etc. Again, people who met me would never know. BH my husband helps me out a ton or I would not be able to function. When I am dressed up and out at a social event, I often enjoy myself and feel happy. But before any events I am really just a ball of nerves and upset at myself for agreeing to go. Can anyone relate? Does anyone have any specific questions they want me to answer to try and get to know me better. Would love to hear from people who have similar struggles as me.
 
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keep climbing
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6/8/15 2:16 PM
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I can share a lot of the anxiety stuff. It's no fun, and I need help from my husband as well. Therapy can help. Why wouldn't you trust a therapist?
 
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ForeverYoung
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6/8/15 2:28 PM
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Hi Keep Climbing, I agree that anxiety is no fun and I'm sorry you have to deal with it. In terms of therapy- unless my insurance was covering the session completely (or paying for majority of it) paying a therapist is just out of the question for me. I grew up with such supportive teachers, mentors etc. who were always there for me FOR FREE and speaking to someone who is just doing it because they are getting paid and not because they truly care about me is not something I want. It actually causes me to be stressed out just thinking about it! How do I know that they really want whats best for me and that they are offering me the best advice? How do I know they are not going home and mocking me when therapy is over? Or pretending to want to help me but really just pitying me. I know that is crazy to think when I know people benefit from therapy tremendously but for my specific issues I just really do not see how I could ever trust someone. BTW- I tried therapy twice and both times did not get past the 2nd session and felt like it was a waste of money and a waste of my time. I prefer support groups where it is more of a give and take. I want to help others who are dealing with similar issues as me. Not someone who thinks they are better than me.


Edited: 6/8/15 at 2:29 PM by ForeverYoung
 
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mouse
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6/9/15 8:16 AM
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Not all therapists think they are "better" than you. Some have different life experiences that they bring to the table. Furthermore, they are trained to help. As long as you are paying them, they should want to help you as much as possible. (If someone else pays the bills, it's possibly a different story.) But basically they are EMPLOYED by you to make your life a better quality. They don't go home and make fun of you. First of all, they could lose their lisence. Second of all, they have better things to discuss with their loved ones. They have way too much to lose by sharing info and more to gain by keeping their mouths shut. (Think lawsuits vs. more business.) Maybe you just didn't find the right match for a therapist or maybe you truly are the sort that does better with a support group. Only you can measure the progress. (I think.) But you need first to give therapy a try. Two sessions is nowhere near enough to see if progress is being made. The therapist is still just learning about you. However, you can tell during those sessions whether it is a good match. If you don't feel comfortable, it's not a good match. Either way if insurance isn't paying, it's gonna be expensive so maybe a support group at the moment is the way to go. Best of luck on your journey and I hope you stay within this community and take advantage of different people's experiences and knowledge. I know I have.


-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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ForeverYoung
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6/9/15 12:42 PM
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You are right- maybe I am just over thinking it like I do with everything else!
 
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wishtobehappy
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6/9/15 7:10 PM
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Don't have much in the way of advice, just wanted to say that I can relate to a lot of what you shared.
 
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ForeverYoung
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6/10/15 8:05 AM
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Thanks wishtobehappy. Are you comfortable sharing which parts you can relate to?
 
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keep climbing
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6/10/15 11:32 AM
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When I'm among people who don't know about my MI (pretty much everybody except my family) I get hurt when everybody is discussing all the simchas they go to and things they're busy with. It seems dizzying to me, and I s/times end up feeling down about myself and my inability to do the things normal people can. Then I isolate myself more, and that makes the depression worse. So round and round we go, with no end I sight.....
 
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wishtobehappy
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6/10/15 12:45 PM
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Sure. I strongly relate to the anxiety, and getting stressed out over the smallest things. It's really frustrating.

I've also had issues with therapists and trust. It always felt like they had no patience for me, didn't care, or just listened because they had too. I think it was the result of my own parents never having patience for me, and often telling me that I was boring, dull, talking nonsense etc. I would also feel it's a waste of money while I was there, because I would just come home feeling worse than before.

I do have to say, though, that finding the right one has made the world of a difference to me.
 
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ForeverYoung
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6/10/15 1:01 PM
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I am so happy for you that you have found the right one. That definitely makes all the difference!
 
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channafofanna
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6/11/15 5:25 PM
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I think most of can relate to at least some of the aspects of what you are saying.
Are you still going to suport groups?
 
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ForeverYoung
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6/11/15 5:41 PM
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This is the only support group I'm in!
 
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channafofanna
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6/14/15 3:14 PM
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Oh, my bad! I just got confused cuz u said you like them...
 
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