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TOPIC TITLE: Help! My husband is depressed!
Created On 6/14/15 6:51 AM
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Newlywed
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6/14/15 6:51 AM
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Im newly married and dealing with a depressed husband. Its 2 pm now and hes still in bed. anybody else in such a situation? how do you deal with it? im going out of my mind.
 
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keep climbing
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6/14/15 7:34 AM
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Hi! Welcome to the forum!
Wish I knew what to say to you. Maybe you should ask my husband, since I am the one who is depressed. (just kidding!)
Seriously, depression can be treated. He won't always be in bed at 2 pm. He needs therapy, maybe meds. Is he getting help?
 
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Newlywed
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6/14/15 7:38 AM
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I have a history of depression myself so I definitely know how hard it is. I was in therapy for nearly 4 years and bh am healthy now so i know there is hope! He is in therapy and was on medication but decided to stop taking which i think is a bad idea. Therapy, as i know, takes its time working and i just feel so lost.... (im also in early stages of pregnancy and sooo hormonal and emotional - thats definitely not helping...!)
thanks for your response!
 
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wishtobehappy
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6/14/15 10:42 AM
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Welcome newlywed!

Sorry about your husband. Is there anyone in his life, such as a Rosh Yeshiva, Mashgiach, Choson Rebbi, etc. that you could get involved maybe? He's lucky that you are able to understand him from personal experience. Not many depressed people have that. However, dealing with this is more than anyone newly married could or should handle on their own. Especially not when you're pregnant for the first time. Wishing you all the best!
 
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Newlywed
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6/14/15 10:48 AM
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Thanks for your response! He is pretty close to his Rosh Yeshiva but we moved to Israel and he doesnt want to discuss this over the phone with him - which I understand but still wish he would anyway..! Earlier today I started crying because I feel so overwhelmed and alone - he felt all bad and told me that he is really trying hard to get past this. I feel bad because I remember the worst feeling was making my mother cry because she didn't know how to deal with me when i was deep in my depression. instead of just focusing on climbing out of the depression, I felt buried deeper because now everyone around me was upset as well. I just feel like this is all such a mess, so exhausting, and so much bigger than me. And I wish, WISH that I had someone to talk about it with so i wouldnt feel so alone...
 
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wishtobehappy
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6/14/15 11:10 AM
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Sounds tough. Don't blame you for feeling overwhelmed, it's totally normal under the circumstances. It's okay to be human. Is there anyone in your life you'd be able to share this with? A mentor, Kallah teacher, therapist etc.? Would you call his Rosh Yeshiva and explain the situation? Sometimes getting the right party in involved can make a world of a difference.
 
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Newlywed
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6/14/15 11:17 AM
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I was in touch with my old therapist (who i love) right when all this started to blow up but i feel bad to keep nagging her since im not officially seeing her anymore. I'm thinking about maybe starting to see someone here in israel but I dont know if its worth it. I feel like i already did the therapy stunt. I sat there and worked through my garbage... and i really dont want to do that again!! does that make sense? (plus the expense...!!) Its funny cuz when i was single i was always against talking mental health with R"Y and the like - for some reason i felt more comfortable with professionals. But now, my husband is so machshiv rabanim that i'd rather talk to someone in that field! thanks for talking to me - feels so good...
 
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wishtobehappy
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6/14/15 11:39 AM
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Makes a lot of sense. It's definitely a good feeling to graduate therapy. Life presents us with many challenges, though, and if speaking to a therapist does not always mean dealing with the garbage all over again. Sometimes all you need is support to get you through the rough patches and it's not a sign of weakness or regression at all! I do agree with you about the expense... it can be a fortune..!

Are there any mentors or Rebbetzins you've been close with, whom you'd be able to share this? If not, there are organizations who help people find mentors. Maybe they have that in Israel too..
 
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Newlywed
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6/14/15 11:44 AM
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I have quite a few older friends/ mentors who are smart and would be more than happy to talk to me but i feel like its not fair to my husband if i talk to them since they know me well... what do you think? is it disloyal? If you think its okay then i am gonna go ahead and make a call.
(there's also admitting that life isnt perfect which is hard - i am good at standing behind a smile-y mask and looking like i have it all together
 
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wishtobehappy
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6/14/15 11:54 AM
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I'm not a Kallah teacher, Rebbetzin, or professional, so quite honestly I can't offer my opinion on that.. In general it's good to discuss with someone who has experience, or at least not with someone who can potentially make matters worse. I have no clue which categories your friends/mentors fall into, though. Is it an option for you to get your husbands permission to discuss with one of them, in order to get morale support? Maybe explain to him that it's not his fault, and you just need someone to talk to, so you can get your feelings out.. again, these are just suggestions... but although I do have experience with depression and how it affects marriage, I'm not a professional, and definitely not a marital counselor, so take it all with a grain of salt
 
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Newlywed
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6/14/15 11:56 AM
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okay thanks a lot! I have a close friend who has listened to me in the past - although she wasnt my kallah teacher she IS a kallah teacher. I think youre right- speaking to someone really might help. I see I already feel a little lighter thanks to you...
 
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wishtobehappy
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6/14/15 12:11 PM
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Glad it made a difference. It says a trouble shared is a trouble halved, and just the mere act of talking to the right person, can greatly improve matters. The 'right person' is important. Sometimes well meaning people can interfere and make matters a lot worse. If your friend is a kallah teacher, that's probably a good option. Always make sure to listen to your gut, though. If someone tells you something that doesn't sound right, it probably isn't. Hatzlacha!

I have to go now, but feel free to share whenever you need to. This is what this site is all about.
 
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Newlywed
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6/14/15 12:14 PM
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thanks a lot! will keep you updated!
 
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channafofanna
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6/14/15 3:19 PM
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Welcome to the forums!
Sorry you ( and your husband) are going through such a rough time
 
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ForeverYoung
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6/15/15 12:57 PM
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Hi Newlywed, I would offer that you could pm me but don't think that's possible on this site...I am pretty newly married myself and being I am the one who suffers from depression quite frequently, I often have to teach my husband how to deal with me. My husband is the most emotionally stable person I have ever met and he could not relate to depression or mental illness at all- well, now he can
 
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Newlywed
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6/15/15 1:26 PM
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Hi foreverYoung,
Im sorry that you struggle. I know it well as i myself struggled with depression for many years!! I find that my husband deals with it very differently than i did though. A) because he is a man. B) everyone is different.
its hard. good luck!
 
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wishtobehappy
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6/15/15 4:24 PM
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Foreveryoung, the site does have a PM feature. You can PM any user by clicking on the upper right hand corner of the message - on the lock symbol (next to the bulb, that lights up when the user logs on).

Newlywed, how's it going? Were you able to connect with anyone helpful?
 
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Newlywed
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6/15/15 4:28 PM
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Hi thanks for asking! I called someone older and wiser today and we spoke for a long time. She suggested that I get in touch with my old therapist and get into marriage counseling as soon as possible. I did reach out and I am waiting for her to respond. Thank you so much for encouraging me to do this - i felt so so sad and lost yesterday, but today was much better BH.
 
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wishtobehappy
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6/15/15 4:47 PM
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Sounds like great advice. Glad you're feeling better!

I've found that reaching out is one of the most effective tools to get yourself out of a dark and lonely place.
 
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mouse
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6/15/15 7:29 PM
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Wish...your advice was awesome.....so happy someone was there for Newly.
There are probably support groups in Israel for this kind of thing too. Sometimes just a major life event (such as marriage or moving to Israel) can bring on depression. Be aware of that. Maybe in addition to what wish said you should also consider making a routine in the house -- including opening the shades and letting sun in -- a natural antidepressant for some. There must be other things you can do too....serve meals with fish (think omega 3 fatty acids in salmon.) Maybe others have ideas of depression annihilating behaviors. I remember the day after I got married I cried. I didn't stop for months. Every night I cried. Every day I cried. I was SOOOOO homesick. They say Shana Rishona (the first yr. of marriage) is the hardest. It gets hard again when you enter a rut but still I don't think it's as hard as that first year. Just keep it in mind. It gets easier -- for him and YOU. HUGS and tefillos coming your way


-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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wishtobehappy
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6/15/15 8:12 PM
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Thanks, mouse.

Your shana rishona sounds pretty similar to my own. I started crying the morning after I got married, and cried a river of tears that first year. I made sure to hide it from my husband, though. During Sheva Brachos, I was afraid to speak, lest I start crying. I pinched myself many times around my in-laws, to force myself to put on a show and not ruin the party. Every time I'd be at my parents and see my bed, the tears would come again. It was really, really hard.

The funny thing is, in hindsight, I have no idea what I was homesick for. I guess I just missed being mocked, the fights, the chaos, the dysfunction. Lol. Oh well. Those were the days... I'd definitely bury the memories if I could. It might prove useful in old age, though... I'm sure my grandchildren will find it amusing...
 
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MoMo
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6/15/15 11:13 PM
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Wow wow these descriptions of Shana Rishona sound soooooo difficult!
Newly, just as Wish made it out alive I'm praying you find the solutions and strength to pull through.

His depression isn't your fault nor your responsibility but I love mouse's ideas of opening window shades etc.

Can you guys go walking together? exercise is said to help to an extent.

At the end of the day he's gonna have to figure out (perhaps with the help of a professional) what's at the root of the difficult feelings and he'll have to learn ways to address it and heal...

I've healed a lot so I know there's hope!
 
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Newlywed
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6/16/15 4:23 AM
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Mouse and MoMo, thanks for your ideas! We live in an apartment thats kinda underground so although we do have windows not all that much sunlight comes in - it happens to be that i LOVE sunlight so the windows are definitely always open! We do try and go on walks - I know from when I was depressed that is the main thing that all the professionals kept telling me - exercise and sleep are natural antidepressants.

It's funny because i was SO excited to get married. all my friends are married with a couple of kids already and because i struggled with depression, and eating disorders and all the fun stuff I only started dating later than the rest if the gang. So by the time i found my husband i was desperate to get the heck out of the house and move on with my own life. I knew that marriage would have its bumps because I'm not stupid, but i was dealing with plenty of bumps in my single life so i was more than ready to move on even if it would be difficult. turns out, its more difficult than i could have ever imagined! Even though i am truly thankful. and my husband is amazing and funny and passionate and cute and loving when he's doing well. its the times when hes not doing well that life is tougher than ever before!!

but you guys are all helping me and i appreciate that!!
 
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wishtobehappy
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6/16/15 8:50 AM
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Hang in there newlywed. Difficulties can feel overwhelming when you're going through it, but they pass. People claim that the first year is supposed to be the best, but I believe that for many, marriage gets better over time.

Momo, really happy to hear that things are looking up for you, and it's amazing that you've healed so much. Stay strong.
 
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Newlywed
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6/16/15 9:09 AM
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it's good to hear!!
 
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mouse
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6/19/15 5:58 AM
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Newlywed....how is your hubby doing now??? How are YOU doing??? I hope things get easier soon. Just remember the first year is really hard. You may be homesick, he may be homesick. Both of you are getting used to a new place with new ppl. You are redefining yourselves as a couple ratther than a single. So many changes and all almost overnight. It takes time.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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Newlywed
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6/19/15 6:04 AM
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Thanks for checking up, mouse!
He's doing pretty okay. He's working hard and I reached out to a couple of people who can help and support. Thanks for your encouraging words - it's definitely not easy but I know it will pay off in the long run!
 
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mouse
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6/21/15 7:31 AM
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Sounds like there might be a light at the end of the tunnel, Newly.....I hope so. Depressions stinks; both for the person suffering and those watching. It's painful. This may be a bump but it will pay off and only stregnthen your relationship (I hope.)


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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TBear
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6/21/15 11:57 PM
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Please G-d you will both come out stronger! Make sure you keep getting the support you need as well. Take care of yourself so you can be there for him. I get strength from davening in my own words to Hashem - constantly!

Take Care... and welcome.
 
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ForeverYoung
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6/24/15 2:47 PM
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I do not see anything next to the light bulb...
 
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wishtobehappy
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6/25/15 11:08 AM
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You have to be logged in, and there's a lock symbol on the right side of the light bulb.
 
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ForeverYoung
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6/25/15 11:20 AM
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Found it and just pmed you
 
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wishtobehappy
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6/25/15 11:57 AM
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I just answered you.
 
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