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Created On 7/8/15 2:40 PM
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MoMo
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7/8/15 2:40 PM
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Feeling down. No willpower to keep fighting. What for? Nothing seems to change. I'm unworthy of belonging I'm a weirdo and socially awkward person I'm worthy of being hated and despised.

I don't even want a job anymore I'll fail so why should I keep on trying.
Why get it off bed? To gave a world full of misery and pain?

A world full of hatred and exclusion.

I'm angry. Angry at the religious world for manipulating me for betraying me for neglecting me.

I have no hope and I'm sick of living dead. I'm sick of hiding I'm sick of being afraid. I'm sick of people.

Even my therapist is cold and uncaring.

I have no one.
No one wants me I'm damaged goods.

Where is there comfort and security?
Will I ever be ok?
Will I ever be successful?
Will I ever feel normal?
Will I ever belong and feel love?
Will I ever be respectable?

With a broken Spirit,
MoMo
 
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keep climbing
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7/8/15 3:09 PM
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(((HUGS)It sounds like you're feeling awful. We're with you, we have faith in you and love you.
Write and tell us how you're feeling soon.
 
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mouse
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7/8/15 5:40 PM
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I don't totally buy that you are socially awkward. Either way though, it's irrelevant. You are a human and by that you deserve to be loved and to be able to connect to others. You are respectable. You never know who finds you respectable -- sometimes the anwers are surprising. It's the quiet ones that get the glory for not talking in shul! I hope you come out of your funk soon. I need you to be optimistic for me -- after all, two pessimists don't make an optimist.


-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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MoMo
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7/8/15 6:19 PM
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Thanks for the love it helps a little
still in a funk want to meet my old therapist once for a boost but I feel funny contacting him
 
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MoMo
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7/8/15 6:33 PM
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I just texted my old therapist we'll see what he says hopefully he'll agree to meet me.

I'm gonna try to go to a 12 step meeting tonight and then take it from there.

I haven't eaten anything all day just been in bed the entire time. Basically been in this position the entire week.

I have job leads but no drive to follow up on them maybe my old therapist can help me through this.

Either way I'll survive somehow no?
 
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I'mTrying
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7/8/15 6:49 PM
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So sorry you're feeling so down, Momo. Sending lots of caring your way.
 
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TBear
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7/8/15 7:21 PM
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MoMo.... so sorry you are having such a tough time.

Sending good wishes and love. You have impressed me with how you can come out of the understandable funk and still make good choices from within the apathy and depths. Good for you reaching out and going to a group. May you find ways to continue to motivate yourself.

When others have abandoned us - all those feelings are so valid - just please don't abandon yourself! You don't see, perhaps the amazing help you have been to me and others. Hang on - please G-d this will pass.
 
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MoMo
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7/8/15 8:57 PM
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Thanks I'm trying and T bear it's nice that you guys care!!
I went to a 12 step meeting which was good.

Gotta try to put one foot in front of the next and trust that things will ultimately work out the way it's meant to.

I'm having a hard time accepting myself I feel so flawed socially and not deserving of connection. I'm so embarrassed of myself so I hide in my room I avoid all the people in my apartment cause I am afraid of them seeing how defective and disgusting I am.

I know it sounds strange but that's how I feel I don't know how to change those thoughts at least not immediately I guess I need to continue therapy....
 
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keep climbing
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7/9/15 9:29 AM
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I feel the same way when I'm down. I avoid people as much as I can. I know that when I feel better this feeing gets better. Still, it doesn't help me break thru the wall while I'm going thru the funk (which I am right now)
I know it's shame that I feel. Somehow I'm just not good enough. It's tempting to blame this completely on my abusive background, but I'm old enough to know better, right? Exceppt that knowledge doesn't help here. I need other ways to help me snap out of it-a lot of support from people, actions-keep moving, G-d knows what else. Eventually it snaps, but it's murder to keep going thru this over and over.
 
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MoMo
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7/9/15 9:47 AM
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You really feel the same way?
It's good to know that I'm not alone here.
Can you describe what you feel?

Anything we can do to help you through this?
I'm so sorry you're in a funk now let's be funked out together :-)
 
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MoMo
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7/14/15 12:05 AM
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The last two sessions my therapist had me re-live my childhood. Since then I've been angry at the world and severely depressed my anxiety level has also spiked.

I met her today, I was so angry I couldn't talk and I ended the session halfway through and then emailed her that I don't want to continue with her, I'm just so so angry at her I hate her (I'm not fully certain why).
I've been having severe anxiety the whole day today and took tons of klonopin but it hasn't seemed to help much.

I want to run away from everyone and everything I'm just so so so angry and sick of society.
I'm trying to decide if I should get in my car and just drive away for a week myself through the United States do you think that will help me?
How do relieve so much anger???

I became snappy towards the few friends that I have and everyone seems to be getting on my nerves.
I don't know where to run and where to hide. I have no peace.

Would extreme sports help relieve the tention? Like skydiving, Jet skiing, Scuba diving?

What do you guys think?
 
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keep climbing
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7/14/15 12:35 PM
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(((HUGS))) I think it's normal to have crazy reactions when opening the past (at least I did.)
Is the t good otherwise? What does she say about all this?
I can definitely relate to the anger and wanting to run and hide. That comes from us being helpless when we were abused as children.
Taking brisk walks in nature sometimes helps me. Talking about it with someone may help-discuss and distract-those are my go-to tools when this happens.
PM me.
 
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whatheheck
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7/15/15 12:21 PM
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Re your question about extreme sports, here's my 2 cents. It's just one of many possible escapes. I tell myself that it's OK to escape sometimes as long as
a. I know it's an escape
b. It's not (too) unhealthy
c. It doesn't become a habit

The importance of the first point is to have another longer term plan in addition to the short term escape plan.

Can you tell your therapist that she's making you angry? I had that issue for a while and finally I told my therapist that something he was doing was making me feel uncomfortable. It doesn't make me love my therapist now that I told him but at least he stopped doing it. Maybe your therapist will help you cope with the ancillary anger.

Good luck!
 
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MoMo
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7/15/15 9:01 PM
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Keep Climbing, thanks for your response I need to do that more often. I find the Private messaging on this site very cumbersome you should have my email address that works much better for me...

What the heck, Everything you said is spot on! I'm meeting again with the therapist to be open abd honest with what's really bothering me - apparently I find it hard to express any dissatisfaction to anyone and instead it builds up inside until it erupts apparently that's part of what occurred with the therapist so I'll see if I am able to discuss it.

I'm afraid that everyone is so fragile and that I'll break them by being honest :-/

How are y'all doing?
 
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wishtobehappy
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7/16/15 10:33 AM
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keep climbing and whattheheck's advice is really good. I don't have much to add, just to say that I care. Momo, in the bigger scheme of things, you're doing great. Keep it up. We're all proud of you!
 
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MoMo
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7/16/15 5:31 PM
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Thank you for caring!!
 
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MoMo
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7/22/15 10:35 PM
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Been in bed pretty much all week.
I am too damaged to succeed at anything I'm too damaged to ever be accepted I'm too damaged to live
I have no hope.
What's the point in life.

I wish I could afford more therapy I'm still with the same therapist who isn't helping.

I don't know what to do
 
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keep climbing
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7/23/15 6:37 AM
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(((HUGS))))Momo, we all know you as a bright, caring and helpful guy. And you know that about yourself too. It's the depression talking-making you feel so worthless and down. Go outside-it's a beautiful day. Better yet, come to Bklyn and we can meet!
 
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Shver
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7/23/15 11:39 AM
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MoMo,

I am sure your heard it previously but staying in bed is very detrimental to
your depression. You need to be out of the house and with other people if possible.

Last week, I went to a business conference with my wife and had a great time.
I had many fears but went anyway. The constant interaction with people was very therapeutic.
Unfortunately, I am back at work and spending many hours alone in my office.

Everyone is rooting for you, MoMo. You are one of the key contributors on this site.
 
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mouse
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7/23/15 1:38 PM
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I'm thinking about the whole thing of extreme sports to make the tension go away. I can't help but wonder why you aren't wondering more about such an angry response to the therapist. I get you didn't want to relive your childhood (goodness knows I get that) but why you get angry at her??? SHE didn't do the trauma that you relived. SOMEONE ELSE DID. It isn't her fault. I think you're avoiding stuff but who knows??? I'm a mouse, not a therapist. I also think you are not damaged. Even diamonds need the occasional buffing. You are special in your own way. If you could realize that, I think some stuff wouldn't bug you so much. When I stopped caring all the time what others thought, I began living MY life -- not some life SOMEONE ELSE tried to think up as perfect. If everyone was all sociallly the same (we're all awkward in our own ways) then this world would be boring because we'd all be uniform. Perhaps your quirkiness makes you WONDERFUL, not shameful. Try to just think about that for a few. I know the frum world values conformity (one of my kids' prinicpals said it outright) but at what price??? One should lose individuality??? Sounds nightmarish to me and something of scary Cold War era books. Please consiider your individuality a blessing, not a curse. Many people don't even KNOW how to be individuals because they conform so much. It scares me you want to be like that....I hope you don't -- because that's like losing a soul.


-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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little engine
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7/23/15 11:56 PM
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I remember thinking that there was no point to my life, during an episode of clinical depression that I went through a few years ago. It was a really hard time for me. I don't know how you feel about a new user offering support, and I'm not sure what I could say that would help, but let me know if there's anything I could do.
 
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MoMo
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7/24/15 12:37 AM
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I read all of your responses and appreciate it!

For now I think it'll be good for me to accept that I'm in a depression and instead of being scared of it and fighting it I can manage it from getting worse and stick to the minimum otherwise it'll spiral....

Mouse, you are right that I am transferring anger into my therapist I wanted to meet her but she's not available till Monday evening.
 
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shtarkebachur
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7/25/15 11:33 PM
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MoMo, sorry you have to experience this painful stuff. Hope you find a way to make it better, one little step at a time.


-------------------------
Enjoying life while fighting anxiety!
 
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keep climbing
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8/2/15 7:27 PM
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Momo, how are you doing?
 
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MoMo
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8/4/15 5:30 PM
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So So
Today was a bit better than previous days...
I took a job interview a part of me is hoping I don't get the job since I feel pain I don't want to work but I think I did well on he interview and might get the job...
 
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Shver
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8/10/15 8:13 AM
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MoMo,

Did you get the job ? Some structure in your day might
be beneficial.
 
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MoMo
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8/10/15 5:38 PM
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No didn't get the job but I'm happy I didn't really want it
As of now I'm enjoying my freedom
 
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mouse
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8/11/15 10:02 AM
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MoMo....sorry you didn't get the job. Glad it didn't get you down. Keep trying though as having a job really can take your mind off other stuff.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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TBear
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8/17/15 7:21 PM
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Thinking about you MoMo.....
 
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MoMo
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8/18/15 4:17 PM
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Thanks T bear!!!
 
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wishtobehappy
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8/18/15 6:36 PM
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Momo, how's the freedom been treating you?
 
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MoMo
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8/19/15 1:51 AM
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Hehe
Going out of my mind...
Also I accumulated debt
Gonna have to find work at some point

It's just hard for me i have no will for it right now and I'm anticipating failure based on past working experience.

I know it's childish and wrong but all i want to do is roll up in bed and sleep all day which I've been doing this entire week.

It's good in a way -I'm avoiding pain but it's not much of a life and I'm embarrassed of myself and others who see me like this.

How's your life wish?
 
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Shver
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8/19/15 12:49 PM
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Maybe you can find a chavrusa and get a chance to get out of the house.
Whenever I leave work and roll up in bed, it always makes things much worse.

Today, I am working from home. I actually accomplished a lot but I started
worrying that from now on I will suffer from anxiety every time I go back to office.
 
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wishtobehappy
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8/19/15 4:48 PM
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Momo it doesn't sound like the vacation from pain so pain free after all... In any case, it's not 'wrong' to roll up in bed and sleep, but as Shver pointed out, is probably counterproductive. I hope you find your way out of the muck easily and speedily.

My life is still overwhelming at the moment, thanks for asking. Was dealing with mood swings all summer as well as trying to get my daughter accepted into a different school, but to no avail. The process was really stressful. I'm also in the middle of switching jobs (yet again...). I've lost track of the amount of jobs I've had... The one I'm giving up bored me to tears, but I miraculously lasted for ten months. I then got an offer which sounds more promising. I'm also taking a course in something I'm interested in and will see how that turns out.

Shver, working from home sounds nice for the moment. Try to take one day at a time. Feelings change all the time and you may feel much better tomorrow or next week, so it's not worth getting worked up over it now.

Hope everyone feels better and finds relief from their pain very soon.
 
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TBear
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8/19/15 8:53 PM
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I am not sure what to say about the curling up in the bed stuff - I feel like doing that so often....It has helped menot to give it a derogatory label like childish or wrong.... For me I can say - this is helpful to isolate - and re-group with all that is stressing me or causing anxiety but not for an extended time. Staying there - although somewhat peaceful is also lonely and doesn't get me to the goals I want in life. ...and we all need interaction...

I guess I am saying to be kind to yourself and gentle encoself encouragement might go much farther than speaking to yourself with such harshness. Being harsh with myself only makes me more lifeless....

So sorry you are going through this - be compassionate with yourself and also remind yourself of where you want to be - take one step towards is a day.....

Just my two cents worth....

Sending care to all....
 
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MoMo
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8/21/15 2:11 AM
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Been in bed all week almost nonstop and regressed.
Praying for the motivation and siata dishmaya to move forward and get unstuck.

I was spending most my day on whatsapp so i deleted it for now.

I wanna go to a rehab to recover. I'm thinking of approaching some people for funds for it but i need the motivation for that.

I'm not well and i don't know how to heal I'm lost.
Dad please give us strength
 
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keep climbing
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8/21/15 6:05 PM
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I'm feeling pretty much the same as you, Momo. Do you think summer makes it worse?
 
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MoMo
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8/22/15 10:51 PM
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For me i don't think it has to do with summer
Wish i had words of wisdom i feel for you.

I took ritalin on Friday it helped. Over Shabbos i had a lot of social exposure which is good for me but it wears me out gonna spend some alone time to regroup
 
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Shver
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8/31/15 10:17 AM
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I find the end of the summer the most difficult time of year.
Part of it is the the yomim noraim season.
Also, it is the short nights and droughts that always occur in Aug.
 
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