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TOPIC TITLE: its a horrible horrible feeling
Created On 1/31/07 3:19 AM
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killedlastyear
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1/31/07 3:19 AM
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i realized tonight that i care about NOTHING except getting thin. i've binged for about 6 months and have gained prob around 20+ pounds. i feel like ive sunken back down to my deepest levels of depression. food is all i ever think about. i beat myself up mentaly, and cut myself up physicaly over how much i've eaten. and tonight i was sitting down and i realized. i cant do this anymore. all i want is to be skinny. so why am i working hard towards a college degree? why am i using all my energy up over stressing that the guy who claims he loves me doesnt really seem to and flirts with every other girl on the planet? why do i even waste energy on thinking or doing anything else?
when all i want.
is to be thin.
so thats all i should really focus on.
i hate everything about life. and its all because i'm fat. in therapy my sad feelings always go back to the fact that i'm too fat. im so fat i hate being alive. i feel like the grossest thing in the world. i just want to be so light that i can curl up and be forgoten about. that no one will notice me because i wont take up so much space.
i feel so sick.
i hate hating myself so much.
but the truth is i dont think i want help. at all. all i want is to be thin.
can anyone relate? all i want is someone to tell me they can relate. my friends get MAD at me when i say anything like this to them. they're like "oh please, seriously stop complaining its making me angry/feel bad about myself/pissed because i'm so much fatter than you are and YOU'Re complaining". i dont say anything to make them jealous. i just say something cuz i need to say it to someone. cuz it hurts to keep my thoughts and feelings inside and to myself all the time are they even real friends if they say that to me? do they not realize how much it hurts to hear them say something like that instead of something comforting to me?
ugh.
 
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rockybrown
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2/5/07 9:33 PM
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hey "killedlastyr" i totally understand and can relate to what you said. i also, just like, WISH i was thin! and also im obsessed about it. i hate that it clouds over my life and then i cant enjoy the good things that i do have in my life despite the fact that i weigh like 195. like even theres a good guy who wants to go on a shidduch with me but i think im to fat to feel desirable so im like postponing giving the go-between person their answer.ahhhh but, in a way life would be better if i was skinnier, id be more beautiful.no?


-------------------------
~when the game is over, the king and the pawn go back in the same box~
 
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Aba
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9/9/08 11:05 PM
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killedlastyear,
Though this post is very old my wife just read it and not only can she relate she said she could have written it. So no you are not alone suffering this way.
I hope things have gotten better since then.

Kol Tuv,
Aba of 4


-------------------------
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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killedlastyear
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9/14/08 6:23 PM
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abaof4, thank you. it hasnt but i never really expected it to :-p
 
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coach
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12/24/08 8:28 AM
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Growing up with a mother who had an ed, having one myself and a 17 yr old dtr newly diagnosed & hospitalized with bulemia, I can only say that hearing other people struggling makes me feel less isolated. We all know pain and struggling is part of life but I guess the suffering is optional. Working daily to accept this nisayon is a challenge. Maintaining focus on a goal is hard.
The feelings of inadequacy, frustration, despair and depression related to food & its intake can ONLY be understood by someone else with an ed. Thanks for being there everyone! Grasp the good days!!!!


-------------------------
Coach
 
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racheli88
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1/25/10 11:45 PM
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i so relate to every word you said.i also hate my life and i blame it all on the fact that ive been biging so much for the past month and half but in reality when i was scary thin from being anorexic i wasn't happy one bit . being thin won't make me happy even though i am sayng that i know i will still starve myself tom and the next day and then il prob binge some time down the road i'm not healthy at all but i do understand the pain and the frustration
 
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