Login
Questions or Comments!
admin@frumsupport.com

Get FrumSupport News! Join our mailing list.
Email:


Search

Navigation:

 Tehilim List  < Refresh >
TOPIC TITLE: anyone out there?
Created On 9/30/07 1:10 PM
Topic View:

View thread in raw text format


bubbs96
Supporter

Posts: 151
Joined: Aug 2007

9/30/07 1:10 PM
User is offline

hi!

i'm kind of new here.....anyone out there? it's pretty quiet on this thread.....i'm 24, struggling with BN/EDNOS, with anorexic tendencies, been hospitalized twice this past year....working for the first time in almost 2 yrs (bc of my ED).....can really use all the support i can get....
the yomim tovim are especially hard for me---pesach triggered a MAJOR relapse, trying not to let that happen now, but i'm struggling....anyone else feel the same?
how is everyone doing?


-------------------------
"Recovery is a process, not an event."
Even when it doesn't look like it, I am trying, and I'm doing my best in the moment.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



gad
Senior Supporter

Posts: 1458
Joined: Jan 2006

9/30/07 11:30 PM
User is offline

I hope things get better for you.

Have a good Succos and a good year.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



bubbs96
Supporter

Posts: 151
Joined: Aug 2007

10/16/07 3:11 PM
User is offline

how is everyone who used to post on this forum? can we get conversation started again???


-------------------------
"Recovery is a process, not an event."
Even when it doesn't look like it, I am trying, and I'm doing my best in the moment.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



killedlastyear
Senior Supporter

Posts: 628
Joined: Apr 2006

10/16/07 6:22 PM
User is offline

i know its like everyone stopped writing i come back once in a while but there's nothing new after months and months. i'm here to start up again. lets get it going.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



bubbs96
Supporter

Posts: 151
Joined: Aug 2007

10/17/07 8:43 AM
User is offline

well, how have u been doing? i'm having a rough time!!! i'm honestly starting to wonder if i'm EVER going to recover, or if, as my doctor predicted when I went inpatient in may, i'm going to spend my life going in and out of treatment.....I go through hospitalizations and partial hospitalizations, get stabilized, but can't seem to maintain recovery beyond 2 or 3 months....then its back to restricting, purging, exercising (well....when i can....my heart can't tolerate it as much as i used to....).....pills....UCH!!! I DON'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE, but i can't seem to stop myself:-( plus, my nutritionist that i've worked with for 2 years is leaving next week, and i'm scared to start with someone new....who doesnt know all my tricks, all my excuses, all the warning signs that i'm decompensating....i "crash" really fast.....WHY is this so hard?!


-------------------------
"Recovery is a process, not an event."
Even when it doesn't look like it, I am trying, and I'm doing my best in the moment.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



su7kids
Senior Supporter

Posts: 485
Joined: Nov 2006

10/17/07 12:11 PM
User is offline View users profile

Bubbs, maybe the new nutritionist who doesn't know your tricks will be just the change you need.

How do you handle those 2-3 months of recovery? Do you white knuckle it, or do you have tools and skills you can go back to?

I pray it becomes easier each time.


-------------------------
Proud Mom of 7, MIL to 3, Grandmom of 4!
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



bubbs96
Supporter

Posts: 151
Joined: Aug 2007

10/17/07 1:36 PM
User is offline

I think I spend those 2-3 months doing both--using all the tools AND white-knuckling it. It's ALWAYS white-knuckling it....I pray someday that will go away and I'll be able to just eat without going crazy inside, but I'm not holding my breath for that day to come any time soon. I'd settle for just being able to keep myself from acting on all my ED impulses....

*Sigh* It always starts out with TINY little slips...missing one little part of my meal plan one day....one extra cup of coffee (I abuse caffeine very seriously)....it's not even that for the whole 3 months I'm 100% ok....but more ok than not ok....and somewhere along the way it shifts until I'm more in trouble than ok....

and of COURSE I know better....and I can talk myself blue in the face, reminding myself that even the smallest slip leads to more...that the more i slip, the more my body gets back into starvation mode, the harder it is to get back on track and go through refeeding again....but in the moment, in my head, i'm so distressed none of this matters (I had to be sedated in the hospital at mealtimes bc i get so hysterical.....)

I think, also, that part of the problem is that my ED is a way to "self-medicate" for PTSD....every time my ED is under control, it seems, my PTSD symptoms get out of control....and as I start dealing with my past traumas in therapy, my stress level gets worse and worse, and my urges get worse and worse....until....uch, it is such a vicious cycle i just don't know how to break. i run through every "tool" in my "toolbox", even ones i'm not sure i believe in (like positive affirmations and such....), but how long can one function in such a state?! sometimes i just want to walk into the ER and be like "just keep me overnight so that I know I won't hurt myself today"....

I am starting to wonder if my doctor was right....maybe i'm never going to get better:-(


-------------------------
"Recovery is a process, not an event."
Even when it doesn't look like it, I am trying, and I'm doing my best in the moment.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



su7kids
Senior Supporter

Posts: 485
Joined: Nov 2006

10/17/07 1:54 PM
User is offline View users profile

Bubbs, have you tried focusing more on your successes and endorsing yourself for every tool that you use?

I know your post here is a small window into your thinking, but it seems that you may be focusing on the struggle and the failures.

On other forums here, it has worked when people have a success and they come and post a success, however small it is, and they get endorsement, and eventually they feel the encouragement.

I get what you're saying about the PTSD coming up when the eating disorder is under control. Apparently, the ED attention takes away from you having to deal with the PTSD. It almost seems as if the PTSD needs to be dealt with FIRST, but I'm not a therapist, so I can't decide that.

With regard to caffeine, I nkow you do it for the buzz, but can you start diluting the caffeinated coffee with some decaf so you keep the flavor, but have less of a buzz?

Good luck -- your cheering team!!


-------------------------
Proud Mom of 7, MIL to 3, Grandmom of 4!
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



bubbs96
Supporter

Posts: 151
Joined: Aug 2007

10/18/07 1:11 PM
User is offline

i don't know that i'm ignoring my successes....for example, in the past i've only lasted 2 months before full relapse, now i made it 3 months.....in the past i was never motivated to get better, now i am....i am keeping up with my fluids better than i usually do, and i was able yesterday to "use" my frustration to get myself to do my snack in the afternoon....i also know that i'm getting further into the issues that will ultimately lead me to TRUE and lasting recovery, and that that is why i am struggling so much now....BUT i just NEED to vent sometimes about how hard it is to keep fighting this demon, to ppl who might understand....i have lost most of my friends bc of this stupid disease, and i'm losing my nutritionist bc i'm not stable enough to go with her to her private practice....yea, sometimes i just need to scream and vent. fighting every minute of every day is EXHAUSTING and lonely....


-------------------------
"Recovery is a process, not an event."
Even when it doesn't look like it, I am trying, and I'm doing my best in the moment.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



fighter88
Supporter

Posts: 78
Joined: Jan 2007

10/18/07 3:48 PM
User is offline

Hey,
i've had bulimia since i was 11 and im now 19. i also went in and out of hospitals until a year ago i went inpatient and came out and really started working to recovery. the first two or three months was insanely hard. every second of every day was a struggle. but it got easier and for the first time in my life i felt free and amazing. i relapsed this septmeber(i think yom kippur and sukkos along with tons of stress triggered it) but now i'm on day 4 and im gonna get back to where i was.
i promise its possible to recover. i've seen the other side...


-------------------------
"I breathe, therefore I Hope."
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



bubbs96
Supporter

Posts: 151
Joined: Aug 2007

10/22/07 3:15 PM
User is offline

It's just getting to a point that I'm humiliated to think I might need to go back into treatment again....As it is, all my friends gave up on me and ran away after my last relapse in april....i spent may/june in inpt, july and august in iop, and was doing the best ever until...dunno, maybe a few weeks ago.....WHY CAN'T I MAINTAIN RECOVERY ON MY OWN?! WHY ISN'T MOTIVATION ENOUGH????

Since Dec 2005, which was the first time ever I sought treatment for my ED (even tho i've had an ED since I was 14ish, long story), I have not been able to stay outpatient more than 8-10 weeks.....
what am i missing?!


-------------------------
"Recovery is a process, not an event."
Even when it doesn't look like it, I am trying, and I'm doing my best in the moment.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



fighter88
Supporter

Posts: 78
Joined: Jan 2007

10/22/07 7:15 PM
User is offline

u should NOT feel ashamed that u need more intensive help. I was also IP 4 times and and in day program 4 times beside all the other therapy i was getting. i have other friends that live in and out of hospitals their whole life for their ed. i know its easy to feel discouraged and hopeless, like when is this going to end???
its really hard in the beginning but if u push past it u can get through it.
medication helped a little although its hard for me to admit it.
i hope u dont mind me saying this, but is there a part of u that wants to stay sick? because the hospital is safe, people are always there for u whenever u need it, does a part of u miss that when u leave? i know i did.
also ur ed obvious serves a huge purpose. for me it numbed me from any and all painful feelings, helped me deal w stress, calmed me down, gave me a sense of control(when in reality it really took control over me...) the point is ur ed does give u things otherwise u wouldnt have it.
so u might be ambivolent about recovery?


-------------------------
"I breathe, therefore I Hope."
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



bubbs96
Supporter

Posts: 151
Joined: Aug 2007

10/23/07 2:48 PM
User is offline

have u ever read "life without ed?"....tho its not something i've ever fully been able to integrate for myself, the whole premise of the book is a girl whose therapist worked with her by having her treat her eating disorder like an abusive boyfriend/husband that she had to divorce......the past few weeks, this analogy is ringing truer and truer for me.

i have no idea how to exist in the world without my ED. I have no memory of life before my ED....and memory is tricky for me, anyway, bc a lot of my ED behaviors (especially purging) are directly compensatory for past traumas....

its just like when i ran away from my abusive parents---no matter how close they came to killing me, i just didn't know how to be in the world without them...and the process of actually getting away from them for real took soo long and soo much outside help. this is what recovery is for me. no matter how close i've come to dying, i just don't know how to be without the ED....even tho i HATE it and what it does to me, and what it has taken away from me--all my friends (who have given up and run away), all my accomplishments.....instead of lawyers and restraining orders, i have treatment programs and doctors and hospitals....but i'm frustrated. i want to be able to do it on my own.

am i ambivilant about recovery? i hope not anymore.....i like to think, for the most part, most days, i've gotten past that. I was, for a long time, out to destroy myself, to use my ED for slow suicide....but in the past 6 months or so i have FINALLY latched on to some motivation to recover, to the FIRM knowledge that i DONT want to spend the rest of my life in and out of treatment or making myself sick like this....i am FINALLY sick and tired of being sick and tired. i think everyone has their moments when the ED tempts them, but i KNOW i can't live like this, and i KNOW i dont want to.....i think part of what frustrates me so much is that this doesn't seem to be enough to keep me "recovered" like i thought it would.

I think i'm just scared....of life with ED....and this unknown world of life without.....but i still want to get there....somehow.....


-------------------------
"Recovery is a process, not an event."
Even when it doesn't look like it, I am trying, and I'm doing my best in the moment.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



mouse
Senior Supporter

Posts: 1931
Joined: Oct 2007

10/23/07 6:34 PM
User is offline View users profile

has anyone heard of using seroquel for ED? not ready to give up ED and doc just prescribed it for insomnia. Is he trying to be sneaky about treating ED or am I really paranoid? I am bulimic


-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



bubbs96
Supporter

Posts: 151
Joined: Aug 2007

10/23/07 7:11 PM
User is offline

there really arent any meds that treat EDs specifically.....just the underlying depression, anxiety, etc......the closest might b topamax which is given sometimes to bulimics or binge eaters.....i think seroquel is for anxiety???? maybe but i def know it is used for sleep......

i have to be honest, and i am sorry if this comes out sounding harsh, but i had a hard time reading your blunt statement about "not ready to give up ED" and being so scared that a med might actually help u w/ that, when i have been struggling so much and reaching out for encouragement and support as i am trying DESPERATELY to recover from my ed....just my feelings


-------------------------
"Recovery is a process, not an event."
Even when it doesn't look like it, I am trying, and I'm doing my best in the moment.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



fighter88
Supporter

Posts: 78
Joined: Jan 2007

10/23/07 10:49 PM
User is offline

hey i totally understand that ur scared of giving it up. i mean, its been there for u for so long. but at the same time u know u dont want this in ur life...
its scary how ed's are so powerful and controlling...
i did read life without ed. i thought it was pretty good but for some reason my family therapist is against the book. but maybe its cuz she never read the whole thing. i think its cool to look at it as something seperate. when i was ip i wrote a letter to the ed like it was someone else and it def felt good.
im sorry ur struggling so much. i know the going in and out of treatment all to well...im here if u need to vent or anything...


-------------------------
"I breathe, therefore I Hope."
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



killedlastyear
Senior Supporter

Posts: 628
Joined: Apr 2006

10/25/07 1:00 PM
User is offline

hey I'm on my way to school now and am gonna be late if i dont hurry so i was only able to skim the last few posts on this topic, the one that popped out was the one about seroquel so sorry for not responding to anyone else, i'll be back later to read more i promise!
but my doc also gave me a script for seroquel to help with my insomnia. i dont think it has anything to do with the ED. i dont feel like it did anything to me as far as that goes at all. but it deff helped me fall asleep at night. how man milligrams are you on?
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



racheli88
Junior Supporter

Posts: 4
Joined: Jan 2010

1/25/10 11:40 PM
User is offline

i dont know how to exsist either without an ed its what i can hold onto the only thing in my life i can say i am in control of. people will notice me that i am so thin and look so good. i am nothing , i don't deserve to eat real food cuz then i just binge all day these are the thouhts that go thru my mind on a daily basis i am a nothing. i am so alone in this i am embarressed of my therapist i can't even face her . i can't face anyone this is too much for me.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     

View thread in raw text format
FORUMS > Eating Disorder < Refresh >

Navigation:

The information in this site is not intended to replace the advice of a doctor. FrumSupport disclaims any liability for the decisions you, the User, makes based on information on this site. By using this site, reading, viewing, posting or otherwise, you signify your assent to the Terms and Conditions of Use. If you do not agree to all these Terms and Conditions of Use, please do not use this site. FrumSupport may revise and update these Terms and Conditions of Use at anytime. Your continued usage of FrumSupport will mean you accept those changes.

If you think you or someone you know has a medical emergency, call your doctor, Hatzolah or 911 immediately. FrumSupport cannot and does not monitor forums and postings and cannot and will not pro-actively obtain help for users in need as FrumSupport does not have the funds or people power to accomplish such tasks and it will infringe on the anonymity of each user. Therefore, FrumSupport’s liability is limited by this paragraph and as further set forth in the Terms and Conditions of Use.