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TOPIC TITLE: confused
Created On 3/12/08 12:00 AM
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Holding on
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3/12/08 12:00 AM
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I'm feeling really stupid now as I'm writing this, but I've been struggling with this for a bit now and I feel like I just have to get it out.

So I posted that I stopped seeing my T. It's hard just stopping like that and there are things I wish I could have had time to talk about, but overall I seemd to be managing. I threw away my 'favorite' knife. I haven't cut in almost 2 1/2 months.
BUT,
There's always a 'but...'
Now that I threw away my knife after stopping to see her, everyone assumes that I am doing fine. Overall, I would say so too. I've been dealing with urges/triggers that have come up without resorting to cutting. I've become somewhat more easygoing, I think. My sister keeps saying how she thinks I'm doing much better now that I have stopped seeing her.
But since I told my friends and sister about the knife, I feel alone. I feel like I can no longer talk to anyone about what is going on.
I found that I was eating more when noone understood that I still needed support. Comfort food, I suppose you can call it.
But I didn't want to gain back weight I had recently lost, so I went to the opposite way of dealing with my feelings. When I felt out of control bec. of a situation or something, I'd feel like at least I can control myself with what I ate. I did that for a bit, not crazy restricting or anything, but it was enough for me, for a bit. I lost a few more lb.'s. It felt good. Controlled my colorie intake a bit more.
It's not enough anymore. My mother is already on my case. If I don't want to cause more stress in the house, or draw any more negative attention to myself, I need another way.
I've been going crazy these last few days holding myself back from going to the pharmacy...
I want to so bad, but I know it would be 'wrong' of me.
The crazy thing is that I recognise where this is headed. I recognised it when I first started cutting also, and foolishly, I still went ahead with that.
I know that I'm asking for trouble and that trouble is the last thing I need.

Am I just an attention seeking teen, or did I just convince myself for others' sake that I had dealt with the underlying issues when in truth I'm not done with that, and am now, as a result of that, replacing one unhealthy habit with another?
I'm so confused. This probably sounds silly and I'm not sure that it even makes sense, but if anyone cares to give their opinion or comment...

I was feeling better for a while. I was relieved that I didn't 'crash' or fall apart, or slip up when I first stopped seeing my T. When I told about getting rid of my knife everyone seemed so happy, so much more... idk if carefree is the right word, but I didn't feel like ppl. were walking on eggshells when they were around me, if anyone knows what I mean.
and now I'm struggling with this.
it's only been about one month since I stopped seeing her.
help?
 
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gad
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3/12/08 1:13 AM
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It could be that you need someone in whom you can confide openly.

If you feel that speaking to a therapist will help, then it makes sense. Maybe going less often (than before) will suffice.
 
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gad
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3/12/08 1:25 AM
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Clearly people around seem to feel that you're ok now, and they don't realize that you are still working very hard to come to grips with things. I think that you feel that pressure, and that you are worried about what happens if you slip up chas vesholom, what will your friends and relatives think.

I think that you have to try to convince yourself that it doesn't matter what they think. They are not G-d, and they don't know what your pressures are.
I think that it's very important for you to realize that you are doing the best you can, and that even if chas vesholom there is a slip up, it's not your fault, and you and Hashem know that you are doing your best.

I think that this may somewhat reduce the pressure, the scared feeling of "what if," which itself adds pressure and anxiety.

Of course the best attitude is to be optimistic that, with Hashem's help, you will prevail. But at the same time to reassure yourself, that you don't need to worry about the expectation of people who don't know the situation one hundred percent.

Hope to hear good news.


Edited: 3/12/08 at 1:31 AM by gad
 
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mouse
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3/12/08 2:58 AM
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I know this isn't the thing to hear right now and perhaps not relevant to your posting , so shoot me if necessary....According to my Rabbi who is also a psychologist/therapist, an eating disorder is considered self harm too. You may want to find out the halachic ramifications of this and perhaps it will set you on track again. (For example, I was told I need to call someone if I'm going to purge on Shabbos or even Yom Kippur because it can potentially be fatal and therefore it's Pikuach Nefesh. That was enough to keep self-injurious behaviors at a minumum on shabbos. (This Rabbi falls under the umbrella of quite religious and very knowledgable about halacha.) Stop now before it becomes a full blown ED. See a new therapist if need be for only a couple days a month. You are not a failure if you need to go back to a therapist. You are courageous about doing the right thing for yourself rather than follow what everyone else thinks. So now that I've said enough you don't want to hear, let's make a date at the shooting range.


-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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Holding on
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3/13/08 10:31 PM
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The few ppl. who knew about my cutting and those who I was able to talk to about things that were bothering me... it's as if I were complaining about a cough I had last year. Noone seems to understand. I feel selfish for still needing their support, and yet, going at it alone is just too hard.

I stopped seeing my T bec. of financial reasons. She wasn't sure that she would be able to see me only every other week. I can't think about starting with someone else; it's just too hard, so T doesn't seem to be an option as of now. (and I'm sorry Munkster, I know I deffinately would [do] feel like a failure)

Gad, what you pointed out about the pressure is very true. I know I worry about it, but it's not just about what others will think of me. Of course that is sort of a big deal too, but there is more. It's hard to explain.
I hate myself for having put my parents through so much, and yet, here I am trading one form of SI for another. How can I do that?
The only difference here is that with this, they don't need to find out about it. I can keep it to myself and there wont be any telltale scars to give me away. I know if I keep it up they and others will catch on, but just for now, it can be my own pathetic secret. Give me back some control.

I seriously do not know what is going on with me. I've seen a T for about 2 1/2 yrs. I should be 'fine' by now. It sounds so immature, running away from pain instead of dealing with it. I've had time to figure this all out while I was in T.
Ppl. are happy now that I am 'much better', so why should I take that away from them? Let them continue to believe whatever they want, and I will continue with my stupid, self-destructive ways. So what? It wont go to far anyway bec. I don't want ppl. finding out or noticing, so it shouldn't be a big deal.
It shouldn't, but it is.
I don't want to live this way.

sorry for whining
 
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gad
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3/14/08 1:35 AM
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I stopped seeing my T bec. of financial reasons. She wasn't sure that she would be able to see me only every other week. .... Why not call her and ask her if she will?

I hate myself for having put my parents through so much, and yet, here I am trading one form of SI for another. How can I do that? ..... It makes sense. Since you hate yourself, the stress etc. is causing you to try to seek relief.

Give me back some control..... You can tell yourself that it's not your fault. And that everything is bashert. So there is no reason to hate yourself for what happened, because it was bashert.

I seriously do not know what is going on with me. I've seen a T for about 2 1/2 yrs. I should be 'fine' by now. It sounds so immature, running away from pain instead of dealing with it. I've had time to figure this all out while I was in T.... It's normal to want to run away from pain.

Ppl. are happy now that I am 'much better', so why should I take that away from them? Let them continue to believe whatever they want, and I will continue with my stupid, self-destructive ways. So what? .... Why think about people, and what they may think? Why not think about yourself, and how you can have a good and meaningful life?

I don't want to live this way... We also don't want you to suffer like this.

sorry for whining .... That's what we are here for. Hope to hear good news.
 
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fighter88
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3/15/08 10:46 PM
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cutting is a way to deal with pain and it founds like ur finding restricting as another way. there's a reason u feel better when ur hurting urself and i'm not so sure ur ready to stop seeing a t. i know the money thing is hard but there are a lot of cheaper options.


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"I breathe, therefore I Hope."
 
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killedlastyear
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3/16/08 9:08 PM
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it's a really big problem. people don't understand that just because someone has stopped doing a destructive behavior that they're fine. it's not true. people just assume. they back off and it can feel like they dont care anymore. that they only care when something is going wrong. when the person is hurting him/herself.
its really sad. they all need a reminder that we need them to keep checking in! and we need them to really care.
theres so many reasons why you've turned to another self destructive behavior.
could be the expectations of having to live a "normal" life?
could be that there are new things coming up that are making you scared/angry/confused?
keep talking it out here and maybe you'll come to a realization of what it is yourself! or with the help of everyone here. its free to talk here at least
sorry i really wish i could help. let me know if there's any possible way!
 
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Holding on
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3/16/08 11:17 PM
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first, thanks for the replies.

I don't care if it 'makes sense' or if there is a 'reason' I'm doing this. I feel totally selfish for causing my parents/friend/sibling to worry, but I still feel like I can't stop. It's crazy how I know exactly what I'm doing to myself, but at this point, idk... I can't even say I'm worried.

I use restricting mostly as a way of feeling some sense of control when I feel like I have none. It distracts me from what is upsetting me, (things that I can't control). Sometimes it's 'punishment'.

I would have liked to continue therapy, but had to stop bec. of the financial issues. Even if I found a therapist that is cheaper, or would offer a sliding scale, right now I just don't feel ready to start over with someone else, so what "cheaper options" are there? It's just too hard.

I think I might even be able to live a "normal life" (whatever that is) if ppl. would just try and understand me and what I am going through. One of the worst parts about this whole thing is going at it alone, where the people who are closest to me don't 'get it'. I wonder what it would take to get ppl. to open their eyes and notice that I'm still struggling. I mean, I told my sister (who knew about my T and the cutting) that I was struggling, and that I thought I was going to do something stupid. I told her exactly what I was planning to do. Her response? Chas Veshalom! I told her, 'no. I'm serious'. She just dismissed it.
I mean, I can't even blame her. It's hard for ppl. who haven't been through it to understand, but it nonetheless hurt terribly when she went on to change the topic. I don't know how much more clear I can be.

I think it's like, I was feeling a bit better bec. of work I did in therapy so I decided to give stopping cutting a serious try. I got rid of my knife. I was doing well for a few weeks, but then different things came up and it became harder to refrain from cutting, so I tryed to lean on my 'supporters' to help me through this tough spot, only to realise that i was now completely on my own. One by one, the few ppl. who had helped me in the past, they just couldn't understand. (I can't blame them bec. I must have been a pain in the neck, but now I am alone).
I feel like the only reason I didn't go back to cutting was bec. I didn't want ot let so many ppl. down, but now that they no longer think I am struggling, now that I am alone, I can only dissapoint myself. As long as I can stay invisible, I wont be a bother.

your understanding makes me feel a bit less alone w/ all this, so thank you so much.



 
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gad
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3/17/08 1:51 AM
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It's quite possible that they feel bad for you, but they don't understand, and they don't know what to do or say to help you.

So it could still be a valid idea to not want to hurt them. Because even if they don't understand or know what to do, they still feel for you, and want you to be well.

Sometimes people say things that make you think that they don't care. But it could be (and this is probably especially true with relatives and close friends) that certain thoughts scare them and they are too scared to deal with the situation. But this doesn't mean that they don't love you and care for you.

And just the opposite. Often because they love you so much, the thought which they can't cope with becomes even scarier and more traumatic for them. Because they don't want you to hurt.

Perhaps if you take this approach towards them, you'll be able to connect with them in a positive way, and your relationship with them can become more meaningful and loving.
 
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Holding on
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4/8/08 12:53 AM
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If they don't know, i wont be hurting them.
Pesach just makes everything more stressful.
Am I horrible for saying I wish it was over already?
 
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gad
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4/8/08 1:00 AM
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Quote

Originally posted by: Holding on
Am I horrible for saying I wish it was over already?


No, you're being honest with your feelings.

But I hope that the Matza and wine have a liberating effect, and that you do have a good Yom Tov.

 
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killedlastyear
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4/13/08 10:58 AM
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Quote

Originally posted by: gad
Quote

Originally posted by: Holding on
Am I horrible for saying I wish it was over already?


No, you're being honest with your feelings.

But I hope that the Matza and wine have a liberating effect, and that you do have a good Yom Tov.



the matza and the wine are the freakiest part.
 
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bubbs96
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4/14/08 8:33 AM
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i'm with you on that one, kly.......but 2 things to keep in mind: 1) the mitzva for matza is only the first 2 nites. then, if u can't handle it, ur done. (i have relied on that for YEARS). 2 nites is a lot less scary than 8 days.....
also, if you are comfortable with it, you can think about asking a rav about how much matza u must eat. years ago, i was told that i only had to eat the "sick person" shiur (not that that wasn't still scary, but at least there was a slight chance i wasn't going to purge that.....)

the most important thing is to take as good care of u as u can....if u slip, make sure u compensate with what u need to stay healthy.....bc so many things are not available to us on pesach (powerade, ensure, etc) it gets even more dangerous to engage in symptoms.....i've learned the hard way. when in doubt, speak to a rav. don't let pesach put u inthe hospital as i have many times. and keep reaching out for support. we can get each other thru this!!


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"Recovery is a process, not an event."
Even when it doesn't look like it, I am trying, and I'm doing my best in the moment.
 
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Holding on
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4/15/08 12:13 AM
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bubbs - good points.

I'm barely holding out. In the back of my mind I keep telling myself that I'm just going to wait till after Pessach so like that in case anyone does find out, I wont be the topic of discussion at the seder. Why is it so reassuring knowing that I can go ahead right after Pessach? Purim and now the stress before Pessach has left me feeling horrible about myself.
I'm struggling so much right now to keep from cutting. I'm still 'clean' but it feels like it's just a matter of time, so I don't see how I'm going to manage not to do anything self-destructive. I don't know if I can. It feels like I'm working so hard not to do it, it feels like forever and it's only been just over 3 1/2 months. 2 months since I stopped seeing my T. I feel stupid for still needing her. It feels like I've been riding the waves for so long and now I'm just too tired to keep fighting them. I want to just let go, go underwater where it's quiet.
But deep down I know it's just an illusion. right? I mean, giving up wont get me anywhere, yet on the other hand, I don't seem to be getting anywhere now either, and I'm just soo tired.
I'm sorry I can't be of any help/support to anyone right now. Sorry.
 
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gad
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4/15/08 1:08 AM
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Holding on, is the Pesach eating a stress factor for you?
 
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Holding on
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4/15/08 11:48 PM
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Gad - a bit, but it's an overall control issue where I don't feel like I have any control and my emotions are just overwhelming.
I know it sounds immature, but I can't seem to deal with it very well, so I feel like after Pesach I wont be able to continue 'holding on'. It's sad, but the feeling that I can gain back some control (in an unhealthy manner, ) after Pesach makes it a bit easier - like, just hold on until after Pesach. But I don't really want to resort to any SI behavior in order to feel some control, now or later, so I'm trying but not being very succesful atm.
 
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gad
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4/16/08 7:12 PM
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I hope Pesach goes well for you, and that the feeling of freedom on Pesach helps you after Pesach and the whole year.
 
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