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TOPIC TITLE: Wife is restricting calorie intake, any advice?
Created On 11/10/08 10:30 PM
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Aba
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11/10/08 10:30 PM
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Ema of 4 has been cutting down her calorie intake, again, to I guess under 200 calories.
She is starting to show signs of it, she is more cold then before and her face brakes out when she eats spicy food, otherwise she is still in very good health.

Any advice what I should or shouldn't say?
Thanks,
Aba


-------------------------
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden

Edited: 11/10/08 at 10:31 PM by Aba
 
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killedlastyear
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11/11/08 4:09 AM
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Wow I have no idea.
I dont know if there is a right thing to say?
Prob everything's wrong but still the same it might be just as wrong to say nothing at all.
Good luck though... to you and her.
 
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bubbs96
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11/11/08 10:36 AM
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Does your wife have a history of an eating disorder? Is she being seen by a team familiar with ED's? (Specifically, MD and/or nutritionist who will keep tabs on her weight and medical health)?? If she is being monitored by professionals, it makes your role less "police" and more supportive, which is a good thing! IMHO, anyone with a history of ED should be monitored by a nutritionist or MD, so that family doesn't have to take on that role.....

Assuming she is seeing a professional regularly, let THEM be the ones to get tough on her about her behaviors. Instead, ask your wife what's going on and how you can help. Statements like "I notice you're having trouble eating/taking care of yourself" and such, ask what's bothering her, and if there;s any way you can help/be supportive to her to allow her to take in more. ED's are not about food, really, and acting out on symptoms, as your wife is doing, is not really about the calories or weight.....its about something bigger thats making it hard for her to eat, give up this coping mechanism. (For example, I'm struggling a lot right now, but it's really about feeling alone, unable to control what's happening to my body medically, etc) Support from family is best when it's support for the underlying issues, and not being the "food pollice" (that's why u get the professionals involved)....ask what she needs from you.....

hope that helped a little..... (as someone trying to figure out how to GET support and ASK for what i need....)


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"Recovery is a process, not an event."
Even when it doesn't look like it, I am trying, and I'm doing my best in the moment.
 
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mouse
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11/13/08 2:28 AM
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I know this is a totally different situation but in some ways it boils down to the same thing. My husband sees bandaids all over my arms but refuses to acknowledge something is wrong. (Both the ED and the SI are self destructive behaviors.) He has not said a single thing to me and that is hurtful in some ways and makes me even more destructive. I think you need at least to acknowledge to her that you see there is a problem and that you are willing to be part of the solution. I'm not sure if I'm clear in what I'm saying but I hope it helps even a little. Bubbs has some very good advice.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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Aba
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11/13/08 10:37 AM
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Thanks every one it helps a lot to hear things from your side. I need to digest (bad pun ) the information I will respond better when I have the head.
Kol Tuv,
Aba


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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unhelpable.
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11/15/08 6:39 PM
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yeah munkster. i hear you.
sometimes my dad drives me in to the hospital to get stiches when i do a really bad job.
we'll drive the whole way in absolute silence. and even when i get back home, he'll just pretend nothing happened. i think that part hurts the most.

aba, (that just felt so weird), at least tell your wife that you care, you realise shes hurting, and you'll do whatever you can to make that hurt stop.

take care,
un.


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"everyone crys every now and then, my tears just happen to be red."
 
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Aba
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My wife and I had a joint meeting with her therapist which it was agreed that I will lay low as far as eating goes. Just if my Ema's physical health starts to deteriorate I will call the therapist.
Over Shaboos Ema asked if I thought she lost weight/looked skinner but I refused (I tried to be polite about it) to answer saying I am staying out of anything to do with her eating.

She does have a small history of ED thought it hasn't played a major roll in her illnesses. I'm of the opinion this is a result or reaction of the progress she and the therapist are having.

I am trying to be supportive, however I'm also trying to be upbeat about life in general so I am afraid that sometimes I may come across as apathetic. It hard to do both with G-ds help I hope to pull it off.

munkster & (h)un (it sounds less negative if you move the "h" before the "un"),
I too am guilty of sometimes ignoring SI behavior sometimes it's so over whelming seeing your loved one in pain you just can't find the words or know the words to react so one just ignores it. If you can, bring up the subject and teach him what you need during those times.

Thanks everyone for caring and sharing with me and my wife.

I want to give a shout-out to Itsy; Your up beat posts of focusing that Hashem has my well being in mind and in the end "It is for the good" helps keep the sun shining and me functioning.

Along theses lines my Therapist suggested I read Man's Search For Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl he discuses a higher level, the ability to find fulfillment during the actual suffering. I'll let every one know how it is as I get into the book.

Kol Tuv,
Aba


-------------------------
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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su7kids
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Viktor Frankel's book is amazing. I read it many years ago, and the main lesson from it is that when you can't change your circumstances, you can change your attitude. He did research based on his Concentration Camp experiences, and who survived and who didn't, and basically said those who went in their KNOWING they woudl die, did, and those who went in KNOWING that they would survive, did!

That's the whole book in a summary, but its a very deep and profound lesson, which we can all use.



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Proud Mom of 7, MIL to 3, Grandmom of 4!
 
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It's all good...
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Aba and everyone--

I'm sorry I haven't been posting anything of late. To be honest...don't really have much to say.
Still in the same place as before, I guess, just with new things cropping up, new battles to fight, new opportunities to grow and fall and break and climb and crash and build muscle...

But as hard as things get, I don't forget my membername here---cuz it's good to remember and remind myself (or be reminded) that it's really all good.

IT IS ALL GOOD!! However crazy and messed-up and insane things seem to me now, I have to remember---G-D IS GOOD AND HIS WAYS ARE GOOD, and somehow this craziness and messed-up-ness and insanity is for our good. It may not be in this world, but it's good for us and our neshamos and our eternities...

And y'know what? When I'm walking outside and find myself under one of those brilliant sunshine-yellow-leaved trees, looking upward into the expanse of golden vibrance against blue sky...or when I stop to think for a minute and realize that I have trillions of things that could go wrong in my body *every second*--and are not!...and when I think of how many amazing and supportive and loving and caring people I have in my life, giving me support and love and attention when I need it most...and when I walk outside my house unafraid of my non-Jewish neighbors looting my house and beating me up and burning my shul down...and when I'm driving in my car and I miss the light and then right in front of me I see two cars narrowly miss eachother with their tires squeaking and I imagine what could have happened to me had I been impulsive and ran the yellow last minute....and when I stand in my kitchen and smell the tantalizing aromas of food that He gave us to eat and be nourished from and enjoy...or taste the first peaches of the season...or hear a child laughing his heart out on the swings............how could I *not* be happy with my lot..?? G-d is so good to me! Yes, I have struggles, I'm in a very confusing time, I'm in pain.....but my life has such wonderful things in it, *and I will be happy!!!*

I will be happy. And I will thank Him.
And noting He gives me--no pain, no suffering, no agony--can take away that piece of me.



I really apologize if this post offends anyone. I really don't want any of you to read this and be angry at me for saying anything I said. If it offends you, or makes you upset, then I am really sorry. Just wanted to get all this out.

And if it helps you, then you can tell me and I'll be happy to say it over and over as many times as you need me to...

Hope everyone is okay....

Take care, all. And remember...there's so much to be thankful for, even amidst the blinding, excruciating pain....

Itsy
:-)


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Hodu laShem ki tov...
 
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Aba
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11/21/08 3:02 PM
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Please pray for Ema bas Surah (Hashem will know who you mean) if she doesn't start to eat she will end up in the hospital. I hope she doesn't faint over Shaboos.
Shboos He Meluzak U'Refuah Krovah Lavoa

Thanks and good Sahboos,
Aba


-------------------------
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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killedlastyear
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11/21/08 4:05 PM
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awwww. i duno the right jewish words to respond but you guys are in my thoughts! i hope everything is ok and turns for the better soon!
 
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downandout
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11/23/08 4:08 PM
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Aba - how's your wife? I don't do much davening these days, but I thought about her...


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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Aba
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11/24/08 9:01 PM
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It really helps that you gals have us on your mind, with all that is going on in your own lives I'm quite touched.

B"H she made it through Shabbos and her T didn't put her into the hospital today. She has been able to get a little food in, but I don't know how long it will last.

BTW When I mean pray I don't mean sit down with a sidder or tehillim I'm of the opinion a simple "G-d help Ema of 4" goes along way (I hope this didn't sound rude I just needed to clarify myself)

Thanks again,
Aba



-------------------------
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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torah momma
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11/24/08 9:47 PM
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Please know that your wife, you and your children are in my prayers as well. As the mother of a anorexic/bulimic, I understand what you are going through. My daughter was in a day treatment program and did okay during the day. The nights and Shabbos were unbearable for her. Just today, we put her in an inpatient program in Philadelphia, and you know, she was excited and hopeful about recovery. Lets hope for the best.
 
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Aba
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11/25/08 8:49 AM
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t-mom,
Thanks. I would love to send my wife to renfrew but my insurance wont cover it and the cost is prohibitive.
Kol Tuv,
Aba


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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Aba
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11/26/08 4:55 PM
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Beli Yin Hurah Ema is drinking more and is eating vegy soup.
She had a "good" session with her T.
They went a little over time and believe me when I say I started to flip , I envisioned her speaking with the medical director discussing hospital in-take.

Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers.
Kol Tuv,
Aba


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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su7kids
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Baruch Hashem!


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Proud Mom of 7, MIL to 3, Grandmom of 4!
 
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killedlastyear
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11/27/08 1:42 PM
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thats great! i hope things continue improving!
 
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Aba
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I hope She is too. I however am not, I "crashed" yesterday this is so stressful
Aba


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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unhelpable.
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i don't know what to say aba.
i'm just very very sad (for lack of better word) for you guys.
i hope things get alot better real soon.


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"everyone crys every now and then, my tears just happen to be red."
 
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Aba
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B"H things are getting a little better.
Thanks for asking
Aba


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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unhelpable.
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"everyone crys every now and then, my tears just happen to be red."
 
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Aba
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T is very nervous ... Internist is not so much ... today's blood test due back 10:30ish am.
Hashem please make it end ...
Aba


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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Aba
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B"H blood work came back fine.
Aba


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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su7kids
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Aba, that's good news.


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Proud Mom of 7, MIL to 3, Grandmom of 4!
 
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Aba
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I know it's good but if will she be able to keep it up will way on my mind for a while longer.
P.S. We are still excepting Tephilos.
Aba


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden

Edited: 12/7/08 at 11:40 PM by Aba
 
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mouse
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Aba, how is Ema doing?


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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Aba
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B"H I think we are out of any immediate health danger. Every day she has an internal battle to eat enough to keep herself functioning but B"H I think and I hope she is winning.
Thanks for asking.
Kol Tuv,


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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Aba
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Munkster,
Ema says thank you for asking she appreciates it very much.
She also asked me to relate that she is concerned about you and is thinking of you too.
Some (((((HUGS))))) from her.
Kol Tuv,
Aba


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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surrender
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I am new to this forum but not to eating disorders. I have just discovered after 4 years of intense therapy that my ed is not going anywhere b/c it is so intertwined with being borderline. The borderline is a new awareness and I'm wondering if any of you have heard that before. Any insights as to what approach can be helpful?


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rochelle
 
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mouse
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In the General area of the Mental health section here there is a very LONNNNNNGGGGGGGGG thread about borderline personalities. Titled borderline personalities in fact i think. DBT is the therapy of choice for such a disorder. It is typically very expensive and usually requires a commitment of at least a year with the places I've heard of. But with the little exposure I've had (through a day hospital setting that was not strictly DBT but offereed DBT help,) it was very applicable and helpful in a short period of time. (Though I do not have BPD I do have a dissociative disorder which it seems to apply to also.)


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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surrender
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Thanks for your message, I did do a group of dbt through bikur cholim of rockland it runs for 16 weeks and it was very helpful. They accept most insurances. I learned or rather realized about my bpd through this group.


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rochelle
 
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I'mTrying
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Aba-
just read through this thread. I know it's a few years old and I don't know if you even come on-line anymore, but I was wondering how Ema is doing?
I'm praying as I write this that it is a positive answer...
 
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channafofanna
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or no answer at all cuz everything is so well, aba wouldnt even think of going on frumsupport for support....
 
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mouse
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I think Aba took a break from the site....but maybenot....who knows.....i'll start a thread with his name .


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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Aba
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wishicouldbenormal,
Sorry it took so long to respond. B"H Ema is progressing in her recovery. (And we all know how recovery can be hell sometimes.)

Over the years her eating disorder symptoms has fluctuated between restricting and mindfulness-less (the opposite mindfulness)/emotional eating. B"H her eating never hit the level of the binges associated with Bulimia.

Right now her issue isn't restriction but on the mindfulness-less side.

I thought I noticed on a different thread that you are also are dealing with BPD. I assume you have read Ema too has been dealing with both. For many years the BPD was the main focus of the her therapy and the eating was left on the back burner, however, recently the main focus has been the ED. I think, just a hunch, as eating disorder therapy deals with the "personality" also it is a better angle.

So unfortunately it isn't as wonderful as Channa hoped but she is as I said progressing and I and her "team" are really proud of her.

Glad to have made your acquittance.
Kol Tuv,
Aba


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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I'mTrying
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Aba.
Thank you for responding. It's good to hear that Ema has reached some level of progress. I hope it will continue and she will acheive true peace of mind and body.
I actually was not aware that Ema was suffering from bpd. Her pain must be immense.
I am on the verge of trying to get treatment directed to my ED and have been wavering about it (it's not really so bad, when I decide to I will stop these behaviours, I didn;t have a problem eating today so I must be cured, I don't have a REAL eating disorder etc etc. ). If I understood correctly, you wrote that the tratment for ED helped, too, with the bpd? Can you please clarify? Just as background info I've been in therapy for a few (4ish) years, and in DBT therapy for over a year.
 
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