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TOPIC TITLE: Purging - need some help
Created On 11/18/08 5:37 PM
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downandout
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11/18/08 5:37 PM
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I've gotten myself into a huge mess. I started purging about 1 and 1/2 months ago, kind of because of my depression. I thought I'd just be able to stop whenever I want to... but obviously that hasn't happened. Most days, I can't even cut it down - I do it once or twice after every single little thing I eat - even snacks, up to 10 times a day. I've lost tons of weight - and I've always been small. But now, every drop of flesh on my body seems like FAT, and if I go on the scale and I weigh even slightly more than the day before, it makes my day even more down (which is almost impossible). You'd think I'd be happy when I lose weight - like today, one full pound less than yesterday - but that doesn't happen. And of course I have almost no energy. The worst part is that I'm expecting.... 15 weeks now. So of course everyone I speak to tells me I can't do this - it'll harm the baby... You know, if I could be logical like that about it, I wouldn't do it in the first place!
But now I'm really stuck. I feel like if I keep anything down, I'll gain everything back within days. I like the way all my clothes are too big, I like the numbers on the scale...but I know I have to stop. What do I do? I'm spending enough time at therapy for depression, and I don't want to see a nutritionist - I know perfectly well what kind of stuff I need to have in my body. Its not logic - its just what I feel I need to do.
Also, has anyone heard of a book called "Living with Ed"? Somebody suggested it to me. Is it any good?
Thanks for your help.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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11/19/08 2:19 AM
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firstly: yay a baby
of course you already know that gaining a lil weight when you're pregnant (esp if you're already skinny!) is a good thing
and losing it isn't good. and having no energy and running yourself down isnt good either.
I don't know what to tell you. I don't purge. I do have other addictions though and I know how hard it is to stop, no matter what you know and what other people tell you. BE STRONG THOUGH! you so can do this!
i think its really important to talk to a specialist (therapis, etc) about this. for your health first, but for the baby's health as well. its so so important.
good luck!
rewards are good to use for days you dont purge. or even when you have the urge but don't do it. think of rewards or something! some people put a lil money in a jar every time they resist and when they have enough money they spend it on something nice for themselves, or like a manicure or massage or spoil themselves in some way.
punishing and negative thoughts aren't helpful. it's hard to change your thoughts but its so important to try to push the negative ones away.
 
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downandout
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11/20/08 10:04 PM
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i'm fainting... my hads are shaking... everthing is blacking out. i feel like ican't move a bone in my body. then i figured if i have some food in me i'll feel better but i felt so guilty even thnking that so dragged myself to the toilt to throw up. why am i so crazy? i just want to die it will be so much easier. oh why do i keep doing this and thinking and writing these things.
but its not even depression - my t thinks itsw some kind of personality disorder so now noone can tell me that its not my fault that its just some chemicals in my brain cuz it is my fault - its who i am that is messed up
now i'm writing in the wrong section but where am i supposed to write when so many things are worng?


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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Aba
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11/21/08 1:24 PM
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Sorry for butting in but why is a personality disorder your fault I know my Wife didn't pick hers.

I"YH the birth will be Beshua Tovah U'Mizlachas.

Good Shaboos,
Aba


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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killedlastyear
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11/21/08 4:09 PM
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writing in the wrong section? totaly not!
you write wherever you feel comfortable writing and its soo relevant to eating disorders.
and i see the whole personality disorder things as proof that even more so its NOT your "fault".
awww i hope you and/or your T are able to figure something out for you to get you feeling better!
 
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downandout
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11/22/08 8:20 PM
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KLY - thanks for your help. I really appreciate it - made me feel better (at least about one thing in my life). I just have to keep reminding myself not to let myself play the guilt game - but its hard because its what I've been doing my whole life. Hopefully when I really get on my way with therapy, I'll learn how to get past that "voice" of guilt...
Actually, I was away for Shabbos, so I ended up having to keep more down than usual. (Normally I'll throw up three times during one meal - today I only did it afterwards.) I guess that's a good thing - even though I'm really scared to see the results on my scale tomorrow morning.
But thanks, thanks, thanks again. If I can't allow myself to feel good, at least there are others that do the job...
d&o


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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torah momma
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11/22/08 8:59 PM
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Honey, i am worried about you. Purging is dangerous for you and for your baby. My daughter has been purging for several months and is getting treatment. You need to speak with someone who is familiar with this problem. Please, There is an organization called Relief - 1-718431-9501 that can help you. Ask for extension 103. there is a wonderful woman who can provide you with names and places to seek help. Everything is confidential, you do not have to give your name. Please you need to do this ASAP. I know that right now purging seems everything to you, but you need to get your life back. Please follow up. Relief is open perhaps even now. Leave a message someone will call you back. I care and understand.
 
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downandout
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11/23/08 4:06 PM
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torah momma - thank you so much. I really appreciate your concern - you really sound like a "momma" - your daughter is a lucky girl! I actually have been in touch with Relief - not for this but for depression - and I am seeing a therapist they recommend. I know the purging is dangerous - maybe that's why I do it? - but I think that I'll get a hold on it (???) when my depression lifts a little bit. I know, it's not smart to keep waiting, because it can do a lot of harm in the meantime, but... I guess I feel like I just don't want to get started dealing with therapy for something else, when I know everything is really all a combination of feelings.
But thanks so much for your caring. It made me feel.. loved? (Which is not something I allow myself to feel to often.) Something filled me for a little bit.
d&o


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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Leah Anderson
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11/23/08 5:56 PM
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Hello downand out! I have been following frum support for a while now, but reading your post made me want to become a member here and give you some support. I want you to know that you are not alone, I know of many women with ED and more who are bulemic. I know the relief you feel when you purge, and the guilt and shame that follows. I also was bulemic, but I went to a therapist who was experienced with ED, he practices CT (cognitive therapy) and I have not purged for over a year and a half, which is a great feeling! You are a wonderful person and I wish you happiness and health, for you and your baby. YOU DESERVE IT! Loads of luck!
 
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torah momma
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11/23/08 7:26 PM
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Dear down and out - and remember you may be down but you are never out. I am still concerned. The depression and the purging are one in the same. If you deal with the depression then confronting the purging will be easier. I know that you are pregnant, but if you can find a medical professional who is really competent, they might know of something that you could take to help ease the depression, that is also not harmful to your baby. You really need to speak to someone. Let me know what's doing.
 
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torah momma
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11/23/08 7:27 PM
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Dear Leah Anderson, would you mind sharing the name of the therapist who helped you. My daughter is bulimic. She is starting Renfrew in Philadelphia, PA tomorrow. I'm interested in the person you did out patient therapy with. Thanks so much.
 
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Leah Anderson
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11/23/08 8:15 PM
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I am so sorry that you have to watch your daughter go through this.
When my daughter was 15 she developed anorexia, so scary! Now she is 21 and you would never know that she ever had an eating disorder. I found a great therapist that really helped her.
My therapist was Dr. Yoav Cohen, but he is in NYC so that might not be practical for you. Lots of luck!
 
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downandout
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11/23/08 9:17 PM
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Thanks, people. Really.
Leah A. - Wow! I can't believe I'm the one who made you actually post. I didn't think anyone would ever think I was worth that much. I appreciate it - and its good to hear from someone who's been there and back (and taken a daughter through it).
Torah momma - I actually am on meds now - 50mg of Prozac - its considered safe for pregnancy. (I'm seeing a reproductive psychiatrist and also checked with my OB.) I've been on it for a while now, but my doc thinks it hasn't kicked in properly b/c I've been throwing it up... But now I've started taking it at nights and then taking my sleeping pill, so I just fall asleep and don't really have a chance to bring it up. I hope it starts kicking in soon.
But like you said, it definitely is all one and the same thing - the purging only started after the onset of my pregnancy and depression, so it should still be stoppable. But also, my t did give me a limit - if I lose more than a certain amount this week, then I will have to... lets just say I'll have to be taken care of more aggressively. But I don't think I'll lose it (so far I've stayed the same for 3 days).
Thank you all so much. I will keep you posted on what happens. This really means a lot to me.
d&o


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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Leah Anderson
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11/23/08 10:02 PM
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Hi Down and out! I am glad my post helped you. I remember when my daughter was anorexic she had this obsession with the scale. She would weigh herself even on Shabbos. She and her doc agreed to get rid of the scale and get weighed once a week. Now my daughter couldn't care less what she weighs, she is happy and healthy and no sign of it. I realized very quickly what was happening, the extreme dieting and the excessive exercise, so I brought her to the pediatrition and on the second visit the doc saw she had lost ten pound so fast. She told me she was anorexic and to get help for her and I should not be in denial, like many parents are. We go help for her, it was not easy finding the right therapist, but I found a lovely woman who was so there for my daughter. Then, when my daughter was better, I started getting help for myself. I am so glad I did, that I faced up to the fact that I have a problem and I want to take care of it. G-d willing, you will also succeed!!! Let's hope and pray things go better and better for you!
 
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downandout
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11/24/08 6:19 PM
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Thanks.
It's weird - I guess I never thought about it much, but I didn't think of the weighing thing as an obsession. It's just - I want to know how much I weigh... It makes sense that it is, and if so, I guess I've been on the path to this for a long time. I've only started the purging recently, but I always was very strict about weighing myself - not every day, but once a week, on exactly the same day and the same time (in the morning after I use the bathroom, before getting dressed, before eating breakfast). Now it's surged to every day - because I just need, need, need to know if I threw up enough/ate too much the day before. A few people have suggested throwing out the scale... but I can't. I'm "attached" to it.
It's also b/c I'm dealing with so many things now, that the purging is kind of getting pushed to the side - by myself and others - and my husband has no clue about it, and I have no intention of letting him know.
Sometimes I want to get better (like yesterday) and sometimes (like today) I have no intentions of ever getting there.
But I appreciate your good wishes nonetheless - and I'm happy for you and your daughter.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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Leah Anderson
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11/24/08 6:57 PM
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Hi down and out! I had been bulemic for a long time, and then I started seeing the therapist and he told me it might be very helpful if I told my husband that I was bulemic. I was so afraid of telling him, but when I finally did it was the best thing because he was able to be supportive of me. He didn't tell me how gross and disgusting I was for doing this, but gave me his total love and support and he was so nice about it. I think I was just so embarressed but I wish I would have told him years before. The truth is that he had a feeling I was doing this, he once heard something and was wondering.....I don't know if you will have the courage to do what I did, but it really helped me. You so deserve to be well and healthy and your baby needs to be properly nourished also. Don't give up, you can really do this.
 
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coach
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12/24/08 8:34 AM
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Downandout - I'd also like to help. My daughter is bulemic and we have been in touch with Rabbi Dewick in Boro Park - his organization is Magen Avhohom and they provide mentors and give you leads for therapists and nutritionists. His number is 718-222-4321.


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Coach
 
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downandout
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12/24/08 9:09 PM
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Thank you so much.
Actually, another good thing about my inpatient stay (for depression) is that they took my purging very seriously - and really made efforts to get me to stop. At this point, I have not purged since Friday! I'm not exactly on any sort of specific ED program, but my husband has real instructions about when to watch me and when not to, and I was kind of only let out of the hospital on condition that I would allow him to help me through this - even in ways that seem to curtail my independence and that bug me sometimes...
Now that I haven't done it for a few days, even when I do get the urge: (a) most times I can't do it b/c my husband watches me after meals (b) even when I can, I tell myself not to b/c why mess up what I've been doing so well at...
I know this is how I feel now. My doctor warned me not to get too confident too fast b/c I kind of just jumped in... but I'm trying.
I'm also getting weighed once a week with serious repercussions if I don't gain weight (b/c I'm halfway through a pregnancy, and still 8 pounds lower than my normative weight).
So I guess that's kind of where I'm at now, and I hope it'll be enough to deal with this properly.
D&O


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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torah momma
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12/24/08 10:09 PM
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This is to Coach:

I have a bulemic daughter who just got out of Renfrew-Phil's inpatient program. She is now in the day program in Manhattan. I took down the number of this Rabbi Dewick. I have been trying on and off for months to find him. By the way, do you have any suggestions of good therapists here in Brooklyn. Also I am looking to switch pediatrician's for my daughter. Do you have any suggestions as well. My daughter is 15. Thanks so much.
 
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