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TOPIC TITLE: Starting again...
Created On 5/31/09 1:21 PM
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downandout
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5/31/09 1:21 PM
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I'm six weeks after my baby. I'm used to being thin, and now I just can't seem to lose the weight. Maybe it's because I'm not breastfeeding, since I have to take my meds, and maybe its also because of the meds I'm taking. I don't know why, but whatever it is, it's just not coming off. It's really, really frustrating and depressing. I want to wear the clothes that are hanging in my closet. I want to be thin. I want to look good.
Last week I purged a bunch of times. I know I can't because I feel so weak when I do - I have no energy to take care of my kids. But it's the only way I know to lose this weight. After I did it for one day after everything I ate, I weighed three pounds less.
So now I'm struggling. I know rationally that I shouldn't go there again. I know it will be hard for me to stop once I start - I'll have no control over doing it anymore. I know I can't function as a good wife and mother - and person - like that. But I so, so badly want to. Want to just get skinny again quickly, want to look good, want to be the person (at least in looks) that I once was.
And I'm angry. Angry at the risperdal. Because if it weren't for that, I'd be nursing and losing weight - and that's also the medicine that makes me gain. Angry at my psychiatrist who convinced me to stop nursing and take the risperdal. Angry at God that this is happening. Can't I just get back to normal? I'm trying so hard in the depression area - why does this have to happen now and make me upset?
So... to purge, or not to purge? And I know that's not really a question, because not one of you are going to tell me to purge. But I just need some encouragement I guess, and maybe other ways to really help myself lose the weight.
Thanks.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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Aba
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5/31/09 5:59 PM
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Your post hit a cord by me b/c I know in 5 mo Ema will be in the same place you are in now. Her T is trying very hard for her to be ready for the challenge when it comes I know but it wont be easy. I hope people give you some good advice b/c I know I'll be back reading it then.

As far as your request for advice here is an article I read a while back how a BT was able to beat her eating disorder when she "learned about tznius and the philosophy behind it"
http://www.beyondbt.com/?p=295

Good luck and Kol Tuv,
Aba


-------------------------
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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bubbs96
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5/31/09 11:58 PM
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habe you seen a nutritionist and talked about an exercise plan? I've never been pregnant, but I would imagine that most people dont lose all the weight right away...Since you are not nursing and not directly responsible for your baby's food, I would imagine that a meal and exercise plan would be ok to help you lose the weight in a healthy way (as long as ur not prone to exercise addiction, like I happen to be).....it must be VERY frustrating.....


-------------------------
"Recovery is a process, not an event."
Even when it doesn't look like it, I am trying, and I'm doing my best in the moment.
 
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Debbi
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6/1/09 1:27 AM
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(((((((bubbs))))))!!!!!!!!!!

so glad 2 see u back.
ive been worried about u, hoping u were okay.
u sound alive.....and are u well? i dearly hope so.
welcome back, bubbs
 
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downandout
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6/1/09 8:10 PM
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Aba, thanks for the link. When I get hooked up to regular internet (now I'm on yeshivanet), I'll take a look at it. Good luck to your wife when she's in this situation. She should know that she has my full empathy... It's hard, and I hope she has it easier.
Bubbs - I can't see a nutritionist now, because I really can't afford it - I'm spending enough on therapy as it is. I've been trying to eat well and excercise, but I'm used to pounds just dropping off, so it's so hard to keep motivated. It's just that I feel that if I'd be losing the weight, I'd have started to already. At this point, I still haven't lost at all since the baby - and in fact I've probably gained. I'm trying.... And my p. doc is helping me - planning to have me switch medications to one that does not stop weight loss.
Thanks for your advice.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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downandout
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6/9/09 4:15 PM
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Getting really frustrated. I've been excercising every day for a week and a half and eating really healthy, and no junk at all and the STUPID weight is just not coming off. Every time I go on the scale it says exactly the same thing. I try on my clothing and I can't even get it up my legs, forget about closing it.
HATE the risperdal, HATE the fact that I'm not nursing....
Need some way to actually lose the weight. I'm starting to lean towards purging again....


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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Aba
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6/9/09 5:25 PM
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I feel your frustration but please hold on, purging as you already know is so detrimental to your health. Proper weight loss is a slow prosses.
Kol Tuv,
Aba


-------------------------
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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downandout
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6/16/09 1:11 PM
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I've stopped eating. Lost 3 pounds in 4 days. This is the way I'm going to do things.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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bubbs96
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6/16/09 4:45 PM
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i don't know what kind of response you expect to get to this. honestly, it makes me angry. do you honestly think starving is a great diet, or a wonderful alternative to purging? it all gets you the same place....weak, sick, with medical problems, and not able to care for your child. sure,you'll lose weight fast, but at what cost? as someone who has struggled with both anorexia and bulimia, i really don't see a difference....it's all harmful behavior. So, you announce to us you've chosen your eating disorder over health. are we supposed to support that? I don't. but you know the risks--you list them very clearly in your first post.....so what point is there of arguing them to you? If you change your mind and decide you want to be healthy, I'm happy to support you.....this is a daily battle I'm fighting, and I don't pretend to win it every day. Most of us don't. But giving up isn't a choice I'm willing to make....


-------------------------
"Recovery is a process, not an event."
Even when it doesn't look like it, I am trying, and I'm doing my best in the moment.
 
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downandout
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6/17/09 12:28 PM
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I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you angry. But that's definitely not the response I wanted to get. That doesn't make me feel good, or want to stop.
Maybe I expected encouragement to continue eating. Not anger. You are not the only one who's struggling. What makes you think this is the first time in my life I'm dealing with this? I know pain too, and I think I deserve encouragement over anger.
I'm crying. It hurts.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.

Edited: 6/17/09 at 12:28 PM by downandout
 
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gad
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6/17/09 9:32 PM
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To me it seems clear that Bubbs is angry because she cares.

And d&o is clearly saying: I need encouragement now, not anger.


Sometimes anger can help. But very often a soft yet firm approach helps.


D&o, perhaps by realizing that Bubbs does care, this will help you feel better about her.

And bubbs, although I know that you care, and that's why you're angry, but perhaps it will help to let d&o know that you care about her, and that's why you got upset, but that you do wish her well and want her to be well, that this may help give her more constructive encouragement in helping her to deal with things.

 
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Aba
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6/17/09 10:44 PM
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Hi It's Ema,
I want to let you know I know how you feel b/c I know I will be in the same place in a few months. Please be strong and try to eat.

Ema


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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downandout
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6/18/09 12:13 PM
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Gad - thanks for explaining.

Ema - I really appreciate your caring.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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bubbs96
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6/18/09 3:10 PM
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perhaps because this is written word, it's easy to take things in a way that is different than they are intended. my tone as i wrote what i did was mostly sad, somewhat pleading. those of us (you, d&o, included) who have suffered from ED's for a decent amount of time know what we are doing when we pick up a symptom....I was just trying to point out to you that that was what you were doing, and that as "good" as it felt (b/c I know as well as anyone how WONDERFUL being symptomatic feels), the consequences are all the same. It was my way of trying to remind you that you have motivations and reasons not to go back down that path, even though it feels so good and so easy. If I came across as yelling or uncaring, I apologize. Blame it on the fact that you couldn't hear the voice and tone I was using as I wrote.

That being said, I do admit to some anger--not at your struggles, but at the way you expressed them. As someone who is slipping and trying very very hard not to full-on relapse, such a blunt statement as you made (with NO indication that you cared about what you were doing or knew it was a problem) was VERY hard for me to see....when I come to this message board, I don't expect to see things that "trigger" my eating disorder by applauding its results....I'm glad to hear that you were not, in fact doing that (tho sorry that you are struggling), but---again, probably because this is written word--what you wrote was very jarring to me and hard to handle. I just needed to explain that.

I do encourage you to try very hard not to succomb to the ED. It is such a dangerous, TRULY DEADLY disease, and not worth anything.....I have lost 2 friends in the past year....I have almost died twice myself.....another friend had a heart attack...do you want your baby to grow up without a mother? Is losing the weight worth that? I know for me, I struggle sooo hard to be motivated to try....I like to think if I had a family to live for maybe it would be an extra reason.....nothing with this illness is ever that simple (otherwise we wouldnt have it to begin with), but I urge you to really think about all the consequences and all you could lose if you give in to this monster....best of luck. Keep fighting.


-------------------------
"Recovery is a process, not an event."
Even when it doesn't look like it, I am trying, and I'm doing my best in the moment.
 
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downandout
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6/18/09 9:04 PM
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Thanks Bubbs. I appreciate your explaining what you wrote, and I appreciate the fact that you really do care. The responses of everyone on this forum really mean a lot to me and I do take them very personally - despite the fact that I don't know a single one of you (or maybe because of that fact).

That being said, I'm really sorry I triggered you. I guess I don't always think of how other people are going to take what I wrote. And, like you said, it's true that we don't know the tone with which something was written. When I wrote my message, I was banging the keys in frustration at myself for giving in, just wanting to yell to the world desperately how I'm giving up and giving in to my symptoms once again. I guess you took it differently, just like I did yours.
Thanks so much for your encouragement. I really will try.

D&O


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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downandout
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6/22/09 8:56 PM
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Hating myself. I didn't listen to all of you; just let myself get caught up in it. Now I'm stuck in an endless cycle of starve myself, eat a little bit, then purge and start the cycle all over again. And I can't get myself to stop. I feel guilty even thinking about food, let alone eating it. I feel so alone in this - like, everyone else is normal and just eats food without thinking twice about it, but I just obsess about it all day.
My husband is really upset with me for starting again. He feels like I've just gotten over my depression and things were starting to be normal again... and now I'm messing things up again. I don't blame him. I feel like that's what I always do - mess up my life and other people's lives. But it's so hard to get myself out of this...


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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bubbs96
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6/22/09 10:12 PM
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Can you look into treatment options? some nutritionists (especially in clinics) will do a sliding scale? Do you have insurance? Once you start, it is hard to stop without help.....I'm in that place myself....trying to ward-off full blown relapse, trying not to need another hospitalization.....is your therapist an ED specialist? Maybe you could see a nutritionist for a one-time consult? Or is there anyone who can help financially for a little bit to help you get to a little bit of a stronger place? Keep fighting.....what I try to remind myself is, if I let this go and go and get worse and worse, if it doesn't actually kill me, I'm still eventually going to have to take all the steps that I'm avoiding to get better.....and (in theory), it's a lot shorter a distance to go from a "slip" than from a near-death relapse....*shrugs* don't know if that makes sense or helps.....just keep trying a little bit more each day....that's what I'm trying to do....


-------------------------
"Recovery is a process, not an event."
Even when it doesn't look like it, I am trying, and I'm doing my best in the moment.
 
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downandout
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6/23/09 1:45 PM
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Thanks so much for your encouragement. It makes me feel better to know that somebody really understands what I'm feeling.

Actually, I met with my psychiatrist today. Before I got there I was sure that nothing she would say would convince me to stop. But, she does also deal with eating disorders. We came up with a diet and excercise plan and a minimum calorie intake per day. We're also going to check my thyroid to make sure that isn't off from giving birth and from the meds I've been taking. Also, I'm going to try coming down off one of the meds I've been taking to see if that helps. Then, if I keep to my side of the deal, by next week she'll give me a prescription for a very low dose of Topomax (a mood stabilizer that can help with weight loss). So I'm a little more motivated to try now. I'm GOING to try. I just hope it works well, b/c I'll be very disappointed and possibly in the same place if it doesn't.

Bubbs, ((((((((((((((hugs to you)))))))))))))))))))). I hope you don't relapse fully. I'll be rooting for you.

Hope you feel better soon.

D&O


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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Aba
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6/23/09 2:35 PM
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Good luck I hope it works out for both of you.
Kol Tuv,
Aba


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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killedlastyear
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6/23/09 8:01 PM
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Hi downandout. i haven't been online much recently because my computer broke and all this stuff. it's sad to read all of this though
i'm sitting here trying to think of what to say. but everything i come up with i know is so dumb cuz if someone said it to be i'd just be like blah blah blah.... heard it all before. man, it's so hard.

grrrrr. i think i just typed and deleted like 4 paragraphs worth of stuff. basically it all boils down to: i really don't know what to say, i don't want to say the wrong thing but i feel wrong saying nothing at all. i care. please i hope you stay ok. i hope you get the courage to eat. and not purge. i hope even if you don't get the courage that you do it anyway. most of all i hope you feel better. and i hope you stay safe.
 
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downandout
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6/23/09 9:24 PM
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Thanks KLY.

I don't know what you wrote and deleted, but I can just say that what you did write was worth a lot to me. It means a lot to know that people care, and are rooting for me to stay well. Honestly, when I don't have the motivation to try, I just try to think of all you people out there who want me to keep holding on and doing it right.

Thank you for telling me you care. I appreciate it a lot.

D&O

P.S. Is your computer back in working order? I hope so... It's good to see you one here again.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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downandout
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6/29/09 11:39 AM
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Okay. I'm really proud of myself. I've been good for almost a week now. Eating pretty well and not purging (for the most part). I hope I can continue.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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su7kids
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6/29/09 11:44 AM
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Good going D & O!!!!!!!!!!


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Proud Mom of 7, MIL to 3, Grandmom of 4!
 
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bubbs96
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6/29/09 10:18 PM
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good for you!! I also did fairly well this week....let's both try to keep it up....it's been REALLY hard, but maybe knowing we both are trying (ie, having a "buddy") will help us both?


-------------------------
"Recovery is a process, not an event."
Even when it doesn't look like it, I am trying, and I'm doing my best in the moment.
 
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Fragile
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6/29/09 11:31 PM
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Yay! I'm so proud of both of you! Really. I know how hard this is.

I'm doing pretty well this week too

Keep on fighting!
 
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downandout
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6/30/09 5:50 PM
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I'm so glad that both of you also did well.

You're right about buddies, Bubbs - it does make it easier when I know that someone else is struggling and doing well just like me. So keep me updated, okay?

Good going, both!


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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Fragile
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7/8/09 1:03 AM
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D&O, How are you doing?

U haven't updated in a while.

Hope you're ok...
 
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downandout
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7/8/09 1:31 PM
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Thanks for asking.

I'm doing pretty okay. I'm really trying hard to stick to my minimum amount of calories per day, and I'm being pretty successful, with tons of encouragement from a couple of people in whom I've confided about this. About the purging... I do get some urges sometimes, and I can't say I'm always so good at controlling them, but I'm trying really hard, and I don't do it too often. So I really hope I'm getting over this, and it was just a brief relapse.

How are you doing? Hope you're also okay.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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downandout
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7/12/09 8:46 PM
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I'm going really crazy. For the past two days, I've been battling crazy, overwhelming urges to purge. I'm obsessing day and night, I'm tense and coiled up inside, and getting triggered every time I see the toilet. I'm trying really hard, but I feel like I'm going to give in soon....
Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why does this have to be so hard. God knows I'm trying...


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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7/12/09 10:23 PM
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while I don't purge, I know the insanity of those voices in the head telling you you need to do something.
i'm really struggling right now too.
i wish i knew what to say.
but i don't.
all i can say is i'm there with you. and i don't know about you but i'm so insanely tired.
 
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Fragile
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7/12/09 10:57 PM
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Gosh, I don't know what to say.
I'm struggling like crazy too... The urges are so overwhelming at times.

Just know, i totally understand and you're NOT alone in this.

Keep holding on.
 
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downandout
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7/25/09 10:51 PM
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I'm not sure why I'm writing... I guess it's cuz I've been trying really hard and now I feel like I'm regressing somewhat and need some support.
I was doing pretty well, but now I've been restricting, then binging and purging. It feels BETTER and BETTER each time I do it, and I feel like I'm getting more and more stuck in it all over again...
I was in the hospital (psych ward) and was doing it a couple of times a day there, just to help me cope. Now I'm home, but I feel like I still need that to cope...
That's it, really. I'm sorry for bothering you all again. Just needed to vent and know somebody's listening. (I know, I know, God is listening.)


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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channafofanna
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7/26/09 11:11 AM
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Downandout-
you are not bothering anyone by expressing how you feel, your actually helping us becuase we feel less alone
i know its really hardto, but i really think you should tell someone and call them, cry to them everytime you want to binge, pure, not eat etc. people care about you and want you to be well again . they arent judging you, just being your friend
or maybe just tell someone AFTER you do it, if before is to hard
You CAN make it
 
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bubbs96
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7/27/09 12:34 AM
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d&o, when were u in the hospital? and u were able to be that symptomatic there??? what kind of hospitalization was this??? i'm pretty shocked.
i'm also struggling a lot myself---there's been a lot of trauma/drama with my team and treatment recently and its definitely affected me, so dont take what i say as criticism, only well-intentioned suggestions..
i think you really need to reach out to ur team (therapist, nutritionist, doctors) and be as honest as possible about your behaviors...it SUCKS, but (as i often say), this is when you need a "kick in the tush" to keep "slipping" from becoming an out-of-control relapse nightmare.....maybe you can do an outpatient program, maybe a shorter hospital stay (APPROPRIATE hospital of course)...something to break this cycle.....
wishing u luck and keep us posted...


-------------------------
"Recovery is a process, not an event."
Even when it doesn't look like it, I am trying, and I'm doing my best in the moment.
 
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downandout
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7/27/09 10:26 AM
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Bubbs, I was in a psych ward for a week and a half. They knew I was purging, and officially I was supposed to stay out of my room for an hour after meals. They were too busy to enforce it, though, so I managed to run back to my room before they noticed. I knew I shouldn't, but felt physically nauseous if I didn't... My room-mate got really mad at me, because we kept getting locked out of our room...
My therapist knows I'm doing it
I guess no one's really getting majorly worried, cuz I've never gotten "dangerous" enough in the past - i.e. lost enough weight. I've gone down to about 85% of my BMI, but never lower, so I guess they think I'm okay. I hope this is really not a full-blown relapse - I'm really trying to get a handle on it. Mainly, I'm trying my best not to binge, because that in turn prevents me from purging. The restricting is a bit easier for me to deal with.
Thanks for your "kick in the tush." I appreciate it.
How are you doing? I'm sorry your having a tough time. What kind of trauma is your team going through right now? How are you dealing with it?
Feel good.
Lots of (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))).


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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7/29/09 2:37 PM
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That's ridiculous about the whole "dangerous" enough bit. It's still horrible damage on your body no matter what your weight does or doesn't get down to.
 
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downandout
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7/29/09 2:58 PM
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I know it's terrible damage on my system, that's why I'm really trying my best not to do it. I'm at a stage right now that I'm not doing it nearly as badly as I was in the past, and really trying to prevent myself from getting there - as you've seen on my posts. I was talking about the past when I posted.
But I don't have a very good team right now for my eating, and I know it. It's just that.... I can't afford it - not with all my other therapy.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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be real
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7/29/09 3:40 PM
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Just letting you know that I feel for you and wishing you all the best from the bottom of my heart

Even the darkest hour only has 60 minutes

I guess as long as we dont give up hope we are sure to get through this

hang in there I need your support!
 
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killedlastyear
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7/29/09 5:41 PM
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no no i KNOW you know it's terrible damage on your system. i was saying that it's a ridiculous reason for them to not be "majorly worried" as you said.
god, i was NOT trying to lecture you.
 
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bubbs96
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7/29/09 10:07 PM
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ESPECIALLY with purging symptoms, u never know when "dangerous enough" is.....ur electrolytes could be out of whack (esp ur potassium) and u could never know until it's too late. it happened to me (luckily i happened to have a cardio appt and he decided to run bloodwork and they cought it as i was on the verge of cardiac arrest).....i know of girls who have died in their sleep from electrolyte embalances affecting their hearts......its soooo dangerous......dont let anyone tell u different.....if u cant have a therapy/nutrition team, at least have an MD monitor your EKG and labwork (and weight, if thats an issue)

there was a lot of upheaval in my treatment--my group wasn't working out, had to switch (it was a very volatile switch, tho), my psych left and the person i was supposed to see never came so i went too long without a psych, just overall feeling really unsteady/unsure about my team and the clinic i go to (and have been at for almost 4 years)....too much change (plus there's rumors my nutritionist is preggers, which would mean she would take time off, also).....things are settling down now--new group, saw a psych, etc, but my symptoms nosedived and my nutritionist is very worried and i'm having a really hard time picking myself back up from this slip.....trying.....or trying to try, anyway.....i HATE this disease!!!


-------------------------
"Recovery is a process, not an event."
Even when it doesn't look like it, I am trying, and I'm doing my best in the moment.
 
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EDfriend
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7/30/09 11:43 PM
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hello, i' m new here. don't have much time to write now. just to tell d/o that you are not alone. i have three children, ka"h, and i can tell you that in my experience , the ed gets much worse after having a baby. it's been a huge struggle for me on a daily basis. may hashem help you to be good to yourself, for your sake and for your family who loves and needs you. you are everything to them. Take it one day at a time. i always tell myself, tomorrow is a new day. a new opportunity to do better than the day before. even if today hasn't been so good, tomorrow will be better. keep trying. everyone has ups and downs. just dont let that get you down! keep moving ahead! hope to write again soon, all the best to all of you here at the forum.


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ncbrody
 
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gad
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8/3/09 1:38 AM
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It's very kind of you to write in order to encourage others.

May you have much Yiddishe nachas from your whole family.

Hope to hear good news.
 
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downandout
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8/5/09 2:28 PM
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Thanks guys for all your support.

Bubbs - I'm glad things are settling down, and I hope you don't slip too far.... Please keep trying, or trying to try as you wrote.

Actually, I'm doing a bit better. I was in the psych ward again - somewhere else this time - and they were very on top of my eating and purging. I was also very open with them about it - something I've never done before, and really sought help over there. I had fellow patients make sure I stayed in the dining room for a while after meals, and I told nurses when I was feeling really triggered. Obviously, I did do it some, but much less than I'd been doing before. I hope I can keep it up now that I'm back home and don't have that constant support.

EDfriend - welcome. Thank you for your support, and it feels good that someone understands exactly what I'm going through, being after birth and everything.

D&O


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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downandout
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8/10/09 8:18 PM
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I will not purge I will not purge I will not purge. I haven't purged since Thursday and I WILL NOT PURGE NOW!!! So there.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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bubbs96
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8/10/09 8:57 PM
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Good!!!

A very dear friend of mine (who suffers from purging anorexia) has been in ICU since last Thursday fighting for her life.....this can REALLY kill you

Glad to hear your determination!!


-------------------------
"Recovery is a process, not an event."
Even when it doesn't look like it, I am trying, and I'm doing my best in the moment.
 
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EDfriend
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8/19/09 12:07 AM
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hi d/o good to hear about your determination. i've been thinking about you. there will always be ups and downs. its a constant struggle. keep moving ahead with strength, i'm proud of you! i'm also struggling on a daily basis. i'm moving along, pound by torturous pound. i want to live, to be there for my little girls. this is what you and I need to do. be strong, you will discover that you do have the strength for this within you. the more you do it, the easier it gets. good luck! and thanx everyone for your nice comments. this forum is really great.


-------------------------
ncbrody
 
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downandout
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8/19/09 5:10 PM
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Thanks both of you for your encouragement. It feels really good to have the support out there.
EDfriend - it really means a lot to know that there is someone there in nearly the same situation as mine. I feel so guilty sometimes about doing it to my little girls, but then I say I will recover for them - I will NOT feel guilty, I will use the downs to fuel my determination to succeed.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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EDfriend
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8/19/09 10:05 PM
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d/o i couldn't have said it better. i salute you! and yes, it's great to know there's others out there in this situation.......as well as all the rest of you. be well! and keep it up.


-------------------------
ncbrody
 
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EDfriend
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8/19/09 10:46 PM
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another thought for you, d/o- as you were saying, realize what a responsibility you have to your girls- they will model what they see. so be a good role model for them! you want them to grow up normal and well adjusted! this thought helps me sometimes. and other times, despite all this, i do feel helplessly stuck. you wrote about that earlier and i can definitely relate to this. but for now i can celebrate your success along with my own. i'm steadily gaining weight and feeling alot better. that alone is a big incentive to keep going as hard as it is- even though i feel like i hate myself this way, etc- i have to admit that i am feeling alot better overall, physically and emotionally. i have to accept that if i am to be healthy and well, i will have to be at a certain weight even if i don't like it. that's life, to accept things we may not like. its hard to accept but the rewards definitely come with it. good luck and thanx for the feedback.
thanx also to gad for your kind wishes!


-------------------------
ncbrody
 
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downandout
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8/22/09 10:24 PM
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Roller-coaster ride....

I'm reading the posts trying to still be idealistic.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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