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TOPIC TITLE: Starting again...
Created On 5/31/09 1:21 PM
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EDfriend
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8/25/09 11:31 PM
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i understand. i've been having ups and downs for the past 20 years of my life. all i can say is, after a down comes an up. so just keep moving along. accept yourself if you slide back, but know that you have the potential to succeed! all the best!


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ncbrody
 
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EDfriend
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8/25/09 11:32 PM
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i understand. i've been having ups and downs for the past 20 years of my life. all i can say is, after a down comes an up. so just keep moving along. accept yourself if you slide back, but know that you have the potential to succeed! all the best!


-------------------------
ncbrody
 
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bubbs96
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8/25/09 11:58 PM
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personally, i find that aiming for "perfect" (your use of "idealistic" reminded me of "perfect" or "easy") sets me up for failure and feeling more out of control. It took a LONG time for me to learn the balance of "moment-to-moment" doing the "next right thing".....don't tell yourself you have to be perfect in the ED or be perfect and not have any ED thoughts, feelings, behaviors, etc......it's not realistic either way, and sets urself up for extremes. Rather, in any moment, try to do what is "best" or healthiest or least harmful.....if u succeed, great, on to the next moment.....if u dont, deal with whatever medical consequences there are, but move on to the next moment and try to do the next right/healthy/least harmful thing in that new moment......(does this make ANY sense?! the concept i think comes from the book life without ed--its a great book!)

i just know for me, and for many ppl with ed's, i'm prone to "all or nothing" thinking, and that if i've "messed up" one day, i would just go crazy and keep being distructive.....also for me, thinking big/long-term makes me very overwhelmed (especially about giving up the ed)....so i just deal in days---or hours---or minutes---or seconds---and try not to get myself caught up in being "perfect" or "cured" or "relapsed" or "sick".....just doing what's the right thing for me in any moment and making sure i know why i'm doing that thing in that moment.....

just my 2 cents....and i'm sorry if this is incoherant---i'm working extra hours and getting ready to move on sunday, so my brain's a little fried:/


-------------------------
"Recovery is a process, not an event."
Even when it doesn't look like it, I am trying, and I'm doing my best in the moment.
 
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gad
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8/26/09 5:43 PM
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It's naturally very disappointing to see one's body losing a struggle (even temporarily).

Your attitude is very constructive. Because in spite of your disappointment, you are determined to keep fighting step by step.

And it gives encouragement and guidance to all of us, in our own particular struggles.

May your fight be successful and victorious.


Edited: 8/26/09 at 5:45 PM by gad
 
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downandout
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8/26/09 9:03 PM
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Thanks for the advice. I've always meant to read 'Life without Ed' and never actually gotten around to it. I've listened to the song though.

I think part of the disappointment every time I mess up - the black and white thinking - is not actually coming from me. My husband is extremely concerned about me (duh), and gets so upset every time I start again. He keeps thinking I'm finally getting better once and for all, and if I even just purge once, he goes crazy. That in turn makes me feel really guilty and really disappointed and upset with myself, and in a kind of perverse way (I don't know if you get it - I'm not sure if I get it myself - I think it's cuz of the guilt) I end up doing it more and more.
But I think the biggest thing for me is for him to also realize that there'll be slight setbacks, and it's not one straight road. It's one thing for me to realize that, but if he's going to go nuts every time I purge... well, that makes things really hard. And I totally understand that it's out of his concern for me, but it's hard for me to let go and move on like that.
So that's kind of one of the reasons I'm stuck in this black and white, all-or-nothing mindset.

P.S. Good luck with the moving, Bubbs.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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bubbs96
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8/26/09 9:39 PM
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i think you're 100% right about your husband--he is definitely "fueling" the all-or-nothing instinct....probably, like u say, the concern is with good reason (i'll just point out that it IS SO important that you do make sure to take care of any medical issues that come from a slip--ie, if u purge, make sure u get in some powerade or pedialyte to keep ur electrolytes stable, follow up with docs and labs, etc--keep urself SAFE)....have u considered couples therapy with an ED specialist (forgive me i dont even at the moment remember if U are getting therapy, but it definitely sounds like it's important for your husband to better understand how to help you....maybe if couples therapy isn't an option, you can have a calm conversation with him about it at a time when it's NOT a "hot topic" (ie, NOT right after u purged, but on a day ur doing well, so some of the fear and raw emotion is taken out of it and the conversation can be more honest and practical; ie, "it helps me when you do this, it makes me feel bad when you do that")

i really relate...when i think about it, as horribly painful as it is/was, i have been making the most progress in learning that slips are slips and dont have to mean full relapse now that everyone in my life has left and given up on me (except my treatment team, who obviously know that recovery is not linear.....and know when its a slip and when they need to be more strict with me bc i'm heading for relapse).....

i dont know that i have any advice, except to try to take the awareness u have of the reaction your husband's freak-outs have on u and use it to try to tone-down the response u have (like, next time u purge and he freaks out and u go to that place of "he's so upset i ruined everything i just want to purge more", try to recognize the thought pattern and "fight back" by telling urself that u don't want him to make u worse, that he's using all-or-nothing thinking also, etc....like give urself reality checks bc u KNOW what's going on, it's just the instinct to run with the emotion and act out with symptoms......simple to say and hard to do, but something to strive for..

hang in there, and good luck!


-------------------------
"Recovery is a process, not an event."
Even when it doesn't look like it, I am trying, and I'm doing my best in the moment.
 
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Aba
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8/27/09 9:42 AM
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Bubbs,
>now that everyone in my life has left and given up on me
I think I am speaking for everyone when I say, we haven't given up on you and in fact you were missed during your absence.

D&O,
I have to concur communication and education is the only way your husband will learn how to express his concern and love in a constructive manner. Does your husband have a Rov or Rebbi he confides in maybe the Rov can guide him or connect him with other husbands who can give him some chizuk and direction.

Kol Tuv,
Aba


-------------------------
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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downandout
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8/27/09 1:15 PM
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Bubbs, I agree with Abba - we really haven't left.

But it's interesting that you mentioned couple's therapy. We just just started yesterday - not with an ED specialist specifically, but just to better our communication skills. So hopefully this will be one of the things that we can work on together. Actually, now that I think of it, it's a REALLY good thing for us to practice our homework on. Thanks.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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downandout
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8/30/09 8:12 PM
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Is there anyone out there who I can talk to now? If yes, then please pm me.
Thanks.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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downandout
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8/31/09 9:08 PM
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Feeling a little better now. Thanks for calling me... user who did.

Basically, the story is like this. My p.doc, who I really was seeing for depression but then was trying to deal with this also but is really soft with me, is away on vacation. The doctor who is subbing for her while she is gone is TOUGH. Basically, I called her on Friday because I was going really nuts with my obsessive thoughts about purging. I didn't know how tough she would be with me. She told me that if I purged again I'd go straight to the hospital. My husband's been babysitting me since then to make sure I don't. I understand it's good for me, and that this is really tough love, but it has been SO HARD. I'm still obsessing all day, but I don't don't don't want to end up in the hospital. My life last year was totally messed up from my depression - I so need to get back on track and back into the normal world. So I'm trying, but it's hard. Every couple of hours I break down in tears, begging my husband to let me go and purge. Or I run to the bathroom only to have him follow me and physically hold me back from purging.

But it's getting a bit easier. I guess as time goes on you get more used to it. And it's not the weekend anymore - which is always much harder.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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no-one-but-me
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9/2/09 8:14 PM
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How are you doing today D&O?


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downandout
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9/3/09 8:41 PM
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Thank God I'm doing a little better. As time goes on it gets easier. My husband is not home with me all the time anymore either, so while I have cheated a little, when I don't purge, I feel more like it's me preventing myself rather than everyone else.
Thanks for asking.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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