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TOPIC TITLE: fighting a losing battle
Created On 7/29/09 2:19 PM
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be real
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7/29/09 2:19 PM
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hello all

Ive been reading posts here from time to time but its the first time I took the courage to write
Ive been suffering from bulimia since I was 12 now its 9 years since then I first went for help a year ago at first I had greater strenghth to fight it and I went from bingeing and purgeing 4-5 times daily down to 4-5 times a week and about 3 months ago I even managed to do 4 weeks completely b/p free but since then I can hardly manage a day without b/p the days that I do manage to pass without symptons is only when Im with my friend whos really supportive but I cant spend everyday and all day with this friend Im having a hard time allowing myself to eat normally the minute I eat a lick more than planned I end up bingeing and purgeing I feel really stuck how do I get myself to eat normally and be ok with it I think that if Ill push myself to eat normally for a while even if my stomach will hurt and I wont purge Ill reduce the urge to want to binge and Ill get used to eating normally and learn to be ok with feeling full after eating so I guess I think I know what I need to do but I cant get myself to do it cuz every time I try to eat normally I become all tense that Ill gain weight and before I know it I cant think logically anymore and I end up purgeing how does one get beyond the fair of gaining weight my therapist once suggested that if Ill manage not to purge after a binge that will help but Ive done that already and then I end up restricting the next days cuz I end up feeling to full and to anxious that Ill gain Im reaaly desperate for advice on how to get out of this rut what kind of help has helped you or your family member how do I motivate myself how do I let go of the fair of gaining ?
 
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killedlastyear
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7/29/09 2:34 PM
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Well firstly I just want to say welcome to this site!
Secondly, just wanted to point out that if you used punctuation and broke up your writing a bit like that it'd be a little easier to read (sorry, don't mean to be annoying about that).
Now most importantly....
You're right. Restricting leads to binging.
Is it possible for you to see a nutritionist/dietitian (one who specializes in this sort of thing)? I've found that since seeing a nutritionist I'm really able to eat a lot more then I used to feel OK with eating. For me it's helpful having someone tell me that it's OK to eat X amount and she's able to explain to me how I'm not going to get huge from it.
 
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downandout
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7/29/09 2:50 PM
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Be real -
I'm so glad you got up the courage to post. I don't know if you've read my thread - starting again - but if you have, you'll see that I'm struggling through a very similar situation as you are. I don't know what to say to you, because if I did, I'd know how to advise myself, but just to telll you that you're not alone.
I'll be reading this thread, and if you get any good advice, I'll be getting it too, and I hope we both get help.
TC


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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be real
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7/29/09 3:25 PM
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thank you ! both of you so much for replying it feels good to feel like someone is listening.

I am seeing a nutritionist but how do I get myself to listen to her and trust her that by following what she tells me I wont get huge ? well actually never mind getting huge Im not even willing to gain one pound actually all I want is to lose or at least stay at the weight Im now. how does one get ok with the fact that Ill have to gain inorder to get better when I so dont want to gain
 
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killedlastyear
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7/29/09 5:46 PM
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oh yeah i can't help you with that. i'm going through that right now. she's just trying to get me to eat enough to not keep losing (i think she's relieved i'm at least willing to do that).
anyway i have more to write but i'm really not feeling well today and there's a cloud in my brain that isn't letting me think so i'll return and write more when my thoughts are working properly.
 
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bubbs96
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they say in treatment that "body image is the last to go".....meaning you (or me, or any of us) may never really be "ok" with gaining--> that's pretty much the essence of our disease, is the INTENSE desire/drive/need to control our weight/shape,etc....I think we each come to a point when we realize that we are out of control, that our lives are unmanageable, that the ED is destroying us, taking away things that are important to us.....that we come to make peace with the fact that, depending on our specific situations, we may need to gain (not everyone does, and tho there is usually a gain at first while your body holds onto everything bc it doesn't trust u to ever feed it again, if ur consistent with recovery ur wt will stabilize where its healthy for u).....being in a treatment program for support/accountability or having a psychiatrist to give you meds to cope with the anxiety/fear, in addition to therapy, can sometimes be helpful. Sometimes people are able to do it on their own, sometimes people need to go into treatment to do it. Honestly, tho, I doubt anyone "likes" or is really "ok" with the wt gain aspect of recovery.....it's just something we come to recognize we have to do, and we get all the help and support we can to get us thru it...
hope that helped????


-------------------------
"Recovery is a process, not an event."
Even when it doesn't look like it, I am trying, and I'm doing my best in the moment.
 
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be real
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8/4/09 7:44 PM
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thanks alot for replying
Im actually at a point where Im so not motivated to change , at first I had this great desire to change but now every minute of the day I have to push myself to do the right thing . It makes me feel like a realy shallow person that weight matters so much to me
 
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bubbs96
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8/26/09 12:08 AM
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it's not shallow----bc weight is just a mask/mirror/symptom of a much bigger issue.....we all know how hard the weight part is. My most recent IP, I KNEW I needed to gain XX amount of weight, and still fought and kicked and screamed, and begged to lose it, and am still fighting what my stable weight is supposed to be.....(if i'm honest, there is NO weight that i would be willing to say "ok, i'm small enough, i'll stop" for)......that's the disease.

that said, you DO need to find motivation for LIFE. EATING DISORDERS KILL, THEY KILL FAST, AND THEY KILL WITHOUT WARNING. I cannot stress this enough. I have lost 3 friends since Feb. One of my best friends went into the ER in heart and kidney failure 3 weeks ago--the docs said had she waited 2 more hours she would have died. I have had hear damage, kidney damage, endocrine damage, digestive problems, and am at high risk for 3 types of cancer bc of my ED. This is not a joke, and I'm sure you know that on some level, but it's really been hitting home for me lately, and it's soooo scary. The truth is I DON'T have motivation to give up my ED----I CRAVE my disorder worse than I ever craved any binge ever.....but I have motivation to not be in the hospital, and I have motivation to not be dead......"I don't want to be sick, but I don't want to be healthy".....sometimes we just have to work from that place of limbo for a while......

good luck!


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"Recovery is a process, not an event."
Even when it doesn't look like it, I am trying, and I'm doing my best in the moment.
 
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no-one-but-me
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9/2/09 8:11 PM
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I just want to say I'm glad you posted! That takes a lot of courage!!

I've never been bulemic.....but I know what it's like to starve myself. I'm sorry you're suffering. Have things changed at all since your original post? I'm thinking of you....


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be real
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hi! Its been a while since I last posted but I just didnt have what to write because nothing has changed. I feel pretty stuck! how do I get myself to want to change more than I want the eating disorder? I feel like I do really want to change otherwise why would I cry myself to sleep at night and plan out a better day tomorrow? But yet again if I'd really want it than why every time it comes to the urge do I give in so easily, why amn't I strong enough to fight it?why dont I reach out for support when the urge comes? does this mean that I do really want the eating disorder? Maybe I want to change but I want the eating disorder more than that [makes sence?]
so if thats the case how does one fight to change something they want to keep?
please I really need some advice because I desperately need to change because I'm really out of control and its making me really depressed and I'm scared because I know how dangerous it can be yet I keep doing it what is wrong with me why do I keep doing this to myself !?!
 
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gad
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It sounds like you have mixed feelings.
On the one hand, you want to get rid of the disorder.
On the other hand, you don't.

And you have reasons for both.
You want to get rid of it, because it's not healthy.
And you don't want to get rid of it, because it gives a certain sense of security and control.

So what to do?

Maybe a solution would be to try to rise above it all.
And to try to do what you need to do.

May you be written and sealed for a good and sweet year.
 
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Aba
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maybe you can find some inspiration or motivation over at http://www.something-fishy.org/
Hope to things get better for you.
Kol Tuv,
Aba


-------------------------
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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downandout
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Be real - nothing I can offer you but huge ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) and empathy. I'm with you all the way! I know how hard it is...


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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11/16/09 8:05 PM
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Hey, I'm not sure if you still come on here at all or not- just wanted to check in and see how things were going?
 
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hugs
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well even if he/ she doesnt still come on here, I do now and I'm not doing so well (even though I hope she is!)
I had an ed in hs and now I started again for a couple of weeks and then had to stop (cuz I was hospitalized for s/t else) and now I sometimes can't stop eating and feel HUGE and ugly and just wanna cry and bury myself so no1 can see me look this way. My problem is that I don't know how to restrict anymore. I know it's gonna sound crazy but I just don't have that self control that I did when I was in hs and I really want it back!!! I need to lose weight and feel better about myself. I guess I'll just have to try again! Take 3...
(sorry for rambling)
 
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killedlastyear
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11/17/09 10:17 PM
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It doesn't sound crazy at all. I know exactly what you're talking about.

Instead of trying to restrict do you think you could try to aim for eating regular meals? Restricting ----> overeating/binging. And if you really are overweight your weight should even out by doing that anyway. You might not get results as fast as you want, but at least you'll get there. I know it's really hard to not go into restrict mindset though...
 
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hugs
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11/17/09 10:32 PM
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I eat regular meals now but I don't want to be! I stopped for a while and then started again and now can't stop eating these regular meals (plus some but prob my some is regular to other ppl). Honestly, I'm not overweight but I hit a really big milestone in my weight which is terribly depressing to me. I want to go down atleast 10 lbs. The only way to do that is by restricting. I just hate being fat!!!
 
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be real
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11/19/09 4:22 PM
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hi you all!
thanks killedlastyear for checking in I do come on here often I didnt post anything because everytime I read everyone elses posts I ' think oh my gosh I could have written that myself"
hugs I feel so much with you I too am having trouble with eating normal I recently started seeing a nutritionist and find it really helpful ,that might help you too because I have a really hard time judging whats a normal meal so either I restrict and after a couple of days of feeling deprived I end up bingeing and purgeing like crazy so now that I have this nutritionist I'm trying too trust her that if I follow her plan I wont get huge and by following I dont get to hungry so I dont have such strong urges to binge

 
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killedlastyear
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I also find that having a nutritionist makes me accountable for what I eat (I don't know if you report everything back to yours or not) but I do and I know that she's going to be seeing what I've eaten so it's more of a reason for me to follow the plan she gives me.
 
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downandout
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11/19/09 9:14 PM
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I'm glad for both of you that seeing a nutritionist helps. Like I mentioned in my other post, I'm planning to start seeing one, and you both make it sound somewhat promising. I'm not expecting miracles and major changes, but maybe, just maybe it'll make a difference?


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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11/20/09 9:29 AM
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I've made little changes over a period of time, but they all add up!
Will you be going to a nutritionist who specializes in eating disorders?
 
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downandout
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Yes, I am looking for someone who specializes in eating disorders.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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11/21/09 10:32 PM
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good!
 
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hugs
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I tried a nutritionist at one point during my ed and I just felt like she was trying to get me to eat regular meals but I was completely not ready for that. I felt like I had to take little baby steps or I was for sure going to fall backwards and sure enough, that's what happened.
I am struggling again big time and almost don't want help since I will die from it eventually and that sounds like a good plan!
 
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killedlastyear
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11/24/09 11:01 PM
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if you don't want help you won't get any. hugs, i'm not sure exactly what you were/are expecting?
 
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hugs
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I don't know either what I was expecting but I guess I was expecting someone to say that it's ok or s/t like that. I just want to be normal again and I don't know how to be that way so if I can't be normal again, then what's the point in this all? That's what I was asking.
 
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killedlastyear
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But it's not ok to want to die.
And people on this site keep telling you that and giving advice and such.
I really think you need to seek some help from a professional at this point.
 
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downandout
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I agree with KLY, hugs.
I understand that you're really at a low point in your depression. The point of this forum is for support - but you've got to be willing to try and accept that support from others. You have to WANT it in the first place, in order to truly feel it.
Good luck in giving it a try.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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hugs
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Went to therapist. It's going to take a long long time for all this 2 end!
 
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hugs
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Btw- I don't know if ur comments were supposed to be hurtful but I guess I'm at this pretty sensitive stage in my life and find e/t hurtful cuz honestly, I started crying when I read what you wrote. Guess that's my fault though
 
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gad
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11/25/09 10:21 PM
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It was meant to be helpful, not hurtful.

Sometimes because we care so much, our heart and emotions may reach out first.

But definitely we care. And we are all happy that you went to the therapist.
And we hope that you will soon have good news to post.
 
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hugs
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11/26/09 9:42 PM
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Thank you. I'm sorry for reacting so badly to what was said to help me. Like I said before, I've been pretty sensitive lately- it's not a good thing but maybe it's a small explanation to why I reacted so rudely. Thank you all for caring about me. I realized that I'm not so used to people caring and showing love for me. It's a great feeling!!!
 
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Aba
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>Went to therapist.
Great thanks for sharing.
>It's going to take a long long time for all this 2 end!
Hazorim bedima berina yiktzoru.
May you be zoche to reap with joy soon.

Kol Tuv,
Aba


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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be real
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Hi everyone!
I havent been on here for quite some time but I just wanted to let you all know that I'm doing realy well
and to let you know that recovery IS possible. right now I'm at a point where my weight is fine and so is my eating. I'm still struggling a bit with body image and I still have a bit of a struggle on shabbos but I basically do see the "light at the end of the tunnel" . life is amazing when you are free of the grips from of the eating disorder!

P.s. anyone else out there thats up to this point in recovery I realy would love to hear from you and I realy would love your support and tips on how to overcome the body image issues and the occasional slips. also now I'm at apoint where I'm rigidly following a meal plan but I would love to hear how do you learn to eat intuitively
 
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downandout
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Good for you!!!!!!!
I'm so glad you came on here and posted to let us know that! It's always good to hear when people are doing better - because it's good news, and it's inspiring to know that it IS possible.
As far as intuitive eating goes... I'm definitely not at that stage yet, but I know from speaking to other people that it can take a long time to get there. Many people have to stay on meal plans for quite a while (it varies in length of time from person to person) until they can get comfortable enough to get to intuitive eating.
And about body image and Shabbos... Those are really, really hard, and most people say that they are among the last pieces to go.... They really take time and effort - but it sounds like you've put a lot of that in already and are willing to put more of it in... So keep working at it!


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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Aba
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Great and thanks for sharing.
Kol Tuv.


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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killedlastyear
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yes, thank you for coming and posting. so many people just abandon these kinds of forums once they're feeling/doing better so we really don't get to hear much about those who have been doing WELL and to hear it's possible so thanks

I'm doing better as well thank G-d. though i have much farther to go and it sounds like you're a bit ahead of me (though duh it isn't a race so there really is no "ahead"),
 
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be real
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11/18/10 9:28 PM
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all of you thanks so much for your responses it really feels good to have people supporting you!
kly I'm happy to hear that you are doing well
by the way anyone know of anygood books on how to overcome negative body image? I'm truely worried that if I wont work out this body image issue it will just sabotage my recovery cuz its just so long one can go around hating the way thay look witout doing anything about it
 
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I'mTrying
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I started tearing up when I read this thread. It's so nice to hear ppl caring so much for each other (really caring- I mean, it's pretty obvious that it comes from the heart).
I was about a month ago at a point in my ed where I was ok where i was. I was eating basically 3-5 small meals a day, I wasn't emaciated, and I felt ok with it!
to quote Be Real- Life is amazing when you're free of the grip of the eating disorder!
During this past month I've slipped so far down that I don't even have a glimpse of that desire to be finished w/ ed. My goal now is to die to end the pain or at least this pain. my therapist wants me in the hospital and I desperately don't want to go. I feel so lost. even if i get past this ed I have so many other issues that I despair of ever having a semblance of a 'normal' life...
what's the point of this all?
 
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downandout
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I want to reply to this message, but honestly, I don't know where to start. Yes I do actually. For starters, I want to come through cyberspace and give you a hug. A big one. You sound like you're dealing with so much, and that must be so, so difficult to manage.

I can so identify with you on so many fronts. Doing well, and being okay with where you are, and then suddenly slipping and falling way, way down. Not knowing whether you want to deal with the eating disorder altogether, because there are so many other factors to deal with that dealing with the ed will essentially solve nothing. I get you on that. Totally. I'm in therapy, and have been in therapy for a number of years, and there are times when I say "will I ever be finished with this?" It feels like dealing with one issue is pointless, because there are so many others there too.... And honestly, I don't know what to answer you about that. I really, really don't. Sometimes living through it all truly feels like hell. And I don't know what the point is. Only God can answer that one.

I'm not going to preach advice here or anything, because I still struggle with many of the same thoughts. But some things I do to help myself with those thoughts are: (a) Try to find one thing I enjoy every day, so that I know I lived that day for that. (b) Keep long term goals or motivations in mind - I will get myself out of my struggles so that I can do... (c) sometimes I have short term goals in mind too - there is a point in all of this so that I can get to do...

Whatever works for you. I don't know if I was helpful. I just reacted really strongly to your post, because it echoed so many of my own feelings, so I wrote a lot. I hope you don't mind.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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I'mTrying
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6/11/11 11:16 PM
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Thanks. Alot. I'm going to accept the hug!
I guess religion has a big part in this - like I have many quwstions about the purpose of life... and there are so many contradictions that I keep going in circles. Speaking to ppl has not helped (rabbi, frum psychiatrist, friends...) I feel stupid and helpless. I know dying is not a solution, if I believe in being religious then i believe that i'll just have to come back and do this all over again. That thought puts me in a panic bc i realize i'm truly trapped.
Sorry for going on and on an di hope i'm not triggering i just feel so lost.
 
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downandout
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6/12/11 9:28 PM
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Glad you accepted.

Yeah, I kinda got the feeling that my "only God knows" statement wouldn't go too far. It's a hard one to take in, for most people, including myself. I think that most people with mental health issues have religion concerns as well, and really, it makes sense that they/we do. But it does make it really difficult, being in that kind of situation. Because sometimes you need to have that faith to get better from the illness - but you need to get better from the illness in order to have the faith! So it's a kind of no-win situation. Tough.

I have found that finding a Rabbi - someone you really, really, really trust - helps. Even if it's not to discuss hashkafic issues with him, even if it's just for emotional support, it's helpful on the spiritual front as well. And that's because knowing that someone who really believes is helping you in a caring, concerned, totally there-for-you manner, makes a difference in the religious realm.

But you're right. It is really difficult, and in essence, I wish I had more to answer you. I'll probably join you in asking if there's anyone out there who can answer better.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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I'mTrying
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6/23/11 9:24 PM
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Anyone out there? I'm feeling really alone - it's just me and my ED...
 
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hugs
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6/23/11 9:35 PM
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And me!!! I'm here for u!! Whatsup? Hard day? Hang in there!!!
 
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I'mTrying
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Posts: 407
Joined: Dec 2008

6/23/11 10:04 PM
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Does anyone else find dealing with an eating disorder makes them feel reeeaaaalllllllllllllyyyyyyyy lonely???
 
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depressed
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6/24/11 12:34 AM
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YEAH! Nobody understands me so I just hang out here where some ppl do! We're all here for you!
 
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I'mTrying
Senior Supporter

Posts: 407
Joined: Dec 2008

6/24/11 10:39 AM
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Thanks. I "knew" that but it's always good to hear again.
Well, the night passed and I'm still here... And that means open eyes, get up and try to start doing something with myself, trying to ignore the sinking feeling that I'm still alive and the desire to stay in bed and sleep the day away.
 
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