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TOPIC TITLE: Rosh Hashana
Created On 9/18/09 2:50 PM
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downandout
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9/18/09 2:50 PM
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I'm really nervous for yom tov. I had a simcha recently, and it really didn't go well, what with all the food being served and everything. I purged a lot, even though I'd really been better. Now all the yamim tovim are coming up = tons and tons and tons of food and I get nauseous just thinking of it all. I don't know how I'll managed through it.
Also, I'll be home for most of the day, taking care of the kids, which also makes it harder. When I get out, it's obviously easier to distract myself, but being stuck at home makes it much much worse.
I honestly don't know how to deal with this one, and it's upsetting because I've been doing better for the most part (besides for the simcha, as I've mentioned).


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killedlastyear
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9/18/09 4:23 PM
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I haven't been on here recently because I haven't been doing that great and I've been really busy with school but I'm so stressed about this holiday I came on just to see if anyone else was having issues as well. I'm so anxious right now to the extreme.
I have the opposite "problem"- I WANT to stay home and not go out anywhere! I'm especially dreading going to synagogue. It's too bad we don't live closer or I could watch your kids for you and you could get out some! I'd love to have an excused to have to be home (and sounds like you'd love to be able to get out).

I'm also really stressed about the meals. My heart (and brain) is like going a million a minute and my hands are all shaky.

The worst is I fear my family thinks I'm exaggerating how I feel and just trying to use my eating disorder as an excuse to be in a crabby mood and try to get out of doing stuff. I wish there was some way for them to feel even for a second what I'm feeling right now (that sounds so much worse then how I mean it).
 
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downandout
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9/20/09 9:55 PM
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KLY, how did you do over yom tov?

I did... not so well. The meals were really hard for me. I guess I won't go into detail, but I really don't know how I'm going to manage the rest of the holidays coming up.
But I am just plain relieved to be through with this one (in the food sense. I know there is so much more to Rosh Hashana, but since this is an eating disorder forum, I'm just writing about the food part, obviously).
Mostly, though, after holidays and things like that, I feel like I have no self-control. Not with eating, and not with purging (duh). Everything just seems to have a march of its own, and just goes and goes and goes. And I know it doesn't mean that everything I've been doing to get better has gone down the drain, but it just so seems like that - especially The Night After. Now.


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killedlastyear
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9/21/09 5:26 PM
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Only on here for a second, have to get back to studying like crazy....
I was very fortunate and my Rosh Hashana ended up going fine. I was able to stick to my meal plan pretty well. This past week was actually the best one I've had all month as far as food stuff goes. I'm still very much glad it's over with. And still very much not looking forward to the holidays coming up.

Sorry to hear yours didn't go so well I totally know what you mean about the self control thing. That's mostly what I was most afraid of. You said the night after is really rough; how are you doing today?
 
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downandout
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9/22/09 10:47 AM
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I'm so glad for you that your Rosh Hashana went okay. That really feels good, especially since you were worried before.

I'm actually feeling better now also. Yesterday went much better, and today I'm back at work so things should be a little easier. Thanks for asking.


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downandout
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9/28/09 10:01 PM
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**Survived Erev Yom Kippur, Yom Kippur, and Motzaei Yom Kippur (almost).**


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.

Edited: 9/28/09 at 10:01 PM by downandout
 
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gad
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9/29/09 12:32 AM
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Excellent.

May you go from strength to strength.
 
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Aba
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Amyn
Aba


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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Holding on
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9/29/09 3:45 PM
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way to go!
 
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downandout
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Whew!
So, the yamim tovim are over. I made it through them much better than I thought I would. It was frustrating at times - obsessing about food and obsessing about food a bit more, and trying my hardest not to purge it, but I made it through. Now we're back to normal...


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gad
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10/14/09 1:18 AM
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Thanks for the good news.
 
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Aba
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Yayyyy


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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downandout
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10/15/09 10:31 PM
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I don't know what is happening with me. I think that over the yamim tovim I was very aware that it was going to be very hard for me, so I tried extra hard to be good. I wasn't perfect (duh) but I think I was pretty good.
These last few days though, have been far from. I've been slipping up pretty badly. And now... my psychiatrist is starting to wean me off of Topomax. Topomax is a mood stabilizer that has a side effect of weight loss. I ended up purging more often today than I usually do, and I'm so afraid of that becoming a pattern - just cuz I'm afraid I'll gain back the weight now that I'll no longer be on the Topomax.
Are my thoughts all jumbled? I feel like they are. I feel all jumbled and confused.


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killedlastyear
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They are all jumbled. You have an eating disorder. At least you realize it doesn't make sense.

I think I kind of know what you're talking about.

I did pretty well over the holidays and now I'm starting to freak out a bit. I'll do well and then I'll skimp on stuff to compensate.

My doc threatened to take me off some of my meds if I start losing weight again. Did your doc take you off yours because of the weight loss side effect?

I don't think you'll gain weight just because the meds were stopped. I'm sure there's some lil part in you that knows that. Just the eating disorder smothers those thoughts. Sucks. I'm constantly arguing with myself in my head.

Talk with your doc about your fears from being taken off the meds. Or have you? And if so, was she/he able to suggest anything for you to be able to cope a little better?
 
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downandout
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10/16/09 2:04 PM
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Sorry, I guess I should've given a little more background.
I'm on a different mood stabilizer besides the Topomax, and I'm only on a very low dosage of the Topomax, but I like it because of it's weight loss effects. Yes, my doc is taking me off it because of those effects. She's been planning to do it for a while, only didn't because of all the action going on between the holidays and the simcha I had. She didn't want me to start purging more because of her taking me off it.... So we've been talking about it for a while, and I knew it was coming, so it's really not a surprise to me at all. I'm really trying to be calm about it and tell myself that it's not a big deal - but to me it seems like EVERYTHING. Stupid line of thought. I'm just so desperate not to gain any weight... I HATE myself over this.

Thanks for understanding how I feel about the holidays. I know I should feel elated that I did okay, but I don't. I feel yucky instead. But I hope you have more strength than me and keep up how you were doing....


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downandout
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I guess I'll just continue on this thread, even though it's not the holidays anymore, just cuz I don't feel like starting a new one.

Things are getting much harder. I've been purging more often, and obsessing non-stop about it. It's probably tied in to other things that are going on in my life now - mainly, my unhappiness at work. Things are really not going well there - and I guess to me it seems like my weight is the only thing that is "going well" for me.
My main concern now is my obsession with it. It's been a while since it's been so bad - on my head all day and night. And I'm starting to show physical signs of it - bite marks and puffy eyes - something I never had before. It's bad. I feel so stuck - and so lonely. Nobody who I speak to (not all that many people) understands what I'm going through, being that they never went through it themselves.
I'm seeing my p.doc tomorrow, and she said she'll give me a prescription for bloodwork, and based on the results, I may need to go inpatient. I really, really don't want that (duh).
I'm really clueless as to what to do next, how to handle this.


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gad
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10/21/09 8:38 PM
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I hope things go better for you, and that you will soon have good news to post.
 
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mouse
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just wanted to say ditto to what gad said.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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Aba
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me too.
Hope things work out.
Kol Tuv.


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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
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10/23/09 9:51 AM
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Down and out,
Do you have a therapist as well as a psychiatrist? I apologize if you gave that info and i missed it, but I only noticed you mentioning meds. If you are not seeing a therapist, I think it could help regarding eating, self loathing/judgment and control issues.
a lynn
 
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downandout
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I see my psychiatrist for therapy as well as med management. We are focusing on a lot of those issues - especially the control issues - but somehow, although it helped in the past, it doesn't seem to be helping as much now.
Thank you for taking the time to respond.


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downandout
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Okay, so I got the results of my bloodwork back. B"H, everything is fine.


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channafofanna
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Thats great!
 
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downandout
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I've been binge-eating. Feeling fat, fat, fat.
Can't I just be normal? Like not too much either way - just eat without hating the food, eat without feeling guilty, eat normal sizes - not too big and not too small, and keep the food inside...


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killedlastyear
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10/31/09 11:41 PM
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Did you say b"h everything is fine because you're relieved you don't have to go IP? because I'm pretty sure bloodwork can come back fine even when everything isn't at all fine :-/
But if it's because you're relieved you don't have to go IP I understand that.

I'm feel fat fat fat too Wish I had answers to your questions. It'd help me as well
 
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downandout
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You got me there.
Yes, I said it's fine because I'm happy I don't have to go IP. I know everything is not fine.... as today's post indicates.

Thanks for your empathy.


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downandout
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Another simcha coming up. I should be happy, because simchos are supposed to be so nice. And I guess they are, but I'm just too busy worrying about the food and how much of it there will be, how I won't be able to purge because there'll be far too many people around, how I won't be able to use laxatives because I won't have the time to keep running to the bathroom (sorry for being so graphic). So what will I do? EAT EAT EAT and hate myself for it? Or restrict and nitpick about the little food that I do eat?
Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
I'm seriously at a loss. I just DON'T WANT TO GAIN WEIGHT! I hate it. Why is there such a thing as a scale? I should throw mine out, but I'm far too attached to it. But I seriously hate those numbers.
I've gone off topic, and I know it. It's all just an interconnected jumble of the thoughts in my head.
I really hope I don't trigger anybody with this, I just so had to get it out. I don't even know if I'll get a chance to read your replies before I go, but I definitely needed this in order to vent. Thanks for "listening."


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gad
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Quote

Originally posted by: downandout
but I'm just too busy worrying about the food


Maybe it will help to forget about the above, and instead to focus on the simcha.

Hope to hear good news.
 
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queechee
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Hi downandout. I'm new to these pages. You are in my prayers (and I'm in Jerusalem!). May you soon find the control that you are so eagerly searching for. I can't wait to hear when that happens.
 
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Leah Anderson
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I was just thinking about you, downandout, as I was washing dishes in the kitchen. My prayers are with you. I hope that you will soon post your successes! Have patience with yourself, you will overcome this. I hope that you have a good therapist that can help you understand that dieting and purging leads to more dieting and purging, it's a vicious cycle but one that you will G-d willing learn how to stop. You are a valuable person even if you don't like the number on the scale. G-d created you and loves you and wants you to take care of the body He gave you so you can be a good wife and a healthy mother. I hope to read that you are getting better and better. I hope this is encouraging for you!
 
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killedlastyear
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11/4/09 10:05 PM
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how did it go?
 
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downandout
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Thanks to all for your support and encouragement.

Queechee - welcome!

Leah - it's so nice to hear from you again! You've always been so supportive and caring, and still are.

KLY, so you want to know how it went....

I actually just got back - it was out of town, and I came home last night. That's really why I was so worried - because it was a week's worth of partying.
I ate non-stop, hated myself for it, purged a bit, and came home THREE pounds more than I was. So you know what I feel like now, I don't have to write it.
But actually, while I was there, I didn't have the scale, and in a way it was really good. Like, I knew I was gaining weight, but because I didn't have a number to put to it, it kind of didn't bother me as much. So I know what I should do now to help myself - get rid of the scale. But I can't. I'm being repetitive, I know I wrote this last time. Only now I realize it so much more, now that I've had a few days without it.
So now that the simcha's over with, and now that I've gained the weight, I don't know what to do. I know what I want to do - and that's continue exactly what I was doing before - but I know that's what I should not do.
I've actually been trying to help myself recently, by trying to get in touch with Magen Avraham. Has anyone ever been in touch with them? Have they been helpful? So far they haven't returned my call, but I'm hoping they will, and maybe I can get some sort of in-person support then. That's my plan for now.

Thanks for asking.


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killedlastyear
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11/9/09 3:17 PM
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not weighing myself has helped me so much.

seriously. so much.

what is Magen Avraham? What do they do?

It's great to hear that you're trying to get some help!
 
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downandout
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I'm not sure exactly what they do, but basically I think they first of all give referrals to various ED specialists - nutritionists, therapist, etc. - plus inpatient or outpatient programs. Also, they have mentors to help you out over the phone just with encouragement and support.
I still haven't managed to get in touch with them, so I'm not really sure about the details.
In case anyone wants their number, it's 718 222 4321. (Easy enough to remember.)


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killedlastyear
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11/9/09 11:44 PM
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ugh i wish there was someone to help me out when i'm liking sitting in front of the fridge for an hour debating in my head what kind of cheese to have.

i have a nutritionist and therapist but they can only do so much, i can't bother them every time i freak out about something you know?

it'd be cool if there were an eating disorder hotline that you could call to freak out to. those aren't exactly the kinds of things you can go tell family members and about... at least not mine.
 
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downandout
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I totally get you. That's why I want to get in touch with them. As of now, the only one who knows that I'm having issues right now with my eating is my husband - none of my relatives or friends (well, those are non-existent anyway) knows anything about it. And I'm not about to tell them about it either. My husband tries to be supportive, but because it obviously affects him so much, it's hard for him to look at things from my point of view and realize how hard it is for me to help myself.
My p.doc tries to help me, but like you said, there's a limit to how much I can bug her.... (She's my therapist as well as doc)
So I hope this is something that will work out and really help me. I don't know though. Does anyone know more about it?


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downandout
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11/12/09 9:40 PM
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Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
Busy skipping meals, because I'm convincing myself that I'm not supposed to eat - then feeling so starving that I eat as if I'm eating for myself and a set of quintuplets...
HATE myself. HATE feeling so fat. HATE seeing the numbers get higher and higher every day.
I know, I'm repeating myself. I keep writing the same stuff every day. It's just that that is what I feel, and this is my place to vent.
I need someone to talk to about this so badly. No one knows, no one who I know would understand.
You don't have to bother replying - it's the same boring stuff again.


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gad
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I understand that it is very difficult for you, and that you are very fustrated and worried about it. And I hope that things get better for you.

I wonder if it may help a bit, to focus on today, on things that are good for you right now; and not too worry about what will be later.

In other words, to live the moment.

Perhaps that may reduce some of the anxiety, and make it somewhat easier to cope.

Hope to hear good news with good health.
 
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Leah Anderson
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That is what is good about frum support, you can get support from others and know that you are not the only one going through this. Here is a big hug ((((( )))))). Always remember that you are never alone, you have us from frum support and of course you always have G-d who loves you. I think it is funny what you wrote about eating for quintaplets. I call it vacuming out the fridge with my mouth. Have a good shabbos!
 
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downandout
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11/18/09 7:07 PM
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Thank you.

Just ate seven BIG pancakes (there's almost nothing left for my husband). Stuffed them down, one after the other. I feel like I have a basketball in my stomach. And I'm going to weigh so much tomorrow morning.
I don't know what is with me. I have no control over myself or over my ED. They just totally take me over. Am I going from anorexia to binge-eating?

In other news, I was very brave today. I had a well-visit with my GP, and I told him about my ED. He's going to be on top of it now, with bloodwork, etc. I'm proud of myself that I told him.


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gad
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So now you can shift a lot of your worries to your doctor.

I hope that his advice is successful.


Edited: 11/19/09 at 3:19 AM by gad
 
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killedlastyear
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11/18/09 11:48 PM
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it's not unusual to go from one eating disorder to another.

what you're describing really is one of the worst feelings in the world.

the prob is that it's a huge cycle. you binge, you feel horrible about yourself. you starve to lose the weight you think you've gained by that binge (really if you stopped after just one binge your weight wouldnt change). you get SO hungry so you binge again. hate yourself more.... etc etc (i say "you" but i really just mean in general.

all i know is that the self-hatred is the worst part of binging for me. "i'm already so fat......" that was like the running self-talk in my head. kinda justified binging cuz i hated myself so much and i would be like "omg you deserve to look horrible" as i stuffed my face.

it especially is horrible when you have no one to talk to about it i'm glad you told your doc!

keep comin back here to vent. venting helps tons.
 
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be real
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11/19/09 4:32 PM
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your struggles are so similar to mine that at times when I read your posts it feels as if Im reading my mind Its scary!lol
anyway as I have written in another post I recently started seeing a nutritionist that specializes in eating disorders and find it really helpful, maybe it would be helpful for you too
wishing you all the best!
 
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downandout
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I'm so glad other people can identify with me. I mean, I'm not glad that you're dealing with these issues, but it makes it easier for me knowing that others are going through the same thing. Not as lonely.
KLY, you're right about it being the most horrible feeling. And about shifting over disorders - I'm wondering whether perhaps I suffer from EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified) rather than my diagnosis of anorexia. Because I don't really restrict, but I don't USUALLY (sometimes yes, obviously) binge and I do purge. So I have symptoms of both anorexia and bulimia, but not all of each one, so... Oh, I don't know. I guess it doesn't really make a difference.
Bereal - I'm actually in the process of looking into nutritionists - finding out who's good in my area. I really hope it works out.

Also, today I had a meeting with my p.doc and husband to try to figure out how to combat things together. We came up with some ways to try to eat healthy and then prevent my purging. I don't know if it will work out, but i guess I'll give it a try.


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downandout
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11/25/09 6:58 PM
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During the last few weeks, I've been really struggling with my ED. Confused, overwhelmed, not knowing which way I want to go. Not sure whether I have the desire and motivation to truly get better.
I have been reaching out to more people - but at the same time, I'm not sure WHY I'm reaching out - am I truly going to take their encouragement and advice and turn it into something real?
Anyway, today I had a session with my therapist, and I guess her point in the session was to try to shock me into reality. I was really mad at her at the time, but now that I thought it over, I guess she had a good point. She made me go through the steps of figuring out what will happen to me emotionally, socially, in my relationships (especially with my husband), and physically. It was all stuff I knew - but still, having to figure out the process on my own, and then verbalize it, made me kind of more aware that I'm not willing for this to go on.
Obviously, I still have a long road ahead of recovery. But I think this is the first time I realized that I truly want to get better; the first time I realized that I'm going to use the help. I'm really scared of starting, because I'm so dependent on my ED behaviors - I really don't know how I'll manage to stop. But I'm saying this now, with all certainty, that I'm willing to try.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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gad
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11/25/09 10:28 PM
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The very fact that you reached this milestone gives room for encouragement; because now you see things clearer which, as you write, gives you motivation, as well as the advantage of seeing better how to navigate.

Any new thing is frought with uncertainty. But an opitimistic attitude can help a lot.

I once read about a great Rabbi who, as a young child, climbed a tree to the top, whereas his classmates weren't able to climb that high.

When his mother asked him how he was able to climb so high, when all his classmates couldn't, the boy replied, "They all looked down and got scared. I just looked up."


Edited: 11/25/09 at 10:31 PM by gad
 
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killedlastyear
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11/28/09 9:26 PM
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ED behaviors are so hard to give up!!!!!!!!!

it's good that you're reaching out though. Even if you aren't totally sure if you want to give up those behaviors and stuff. I don't think many people really want to do that 100%. I think recovery is making yourself do alot of stuff you don't really want to do. So reaching out is great. Hopefully you'll decide to take what's being given back! You'll never know until you try so it's good you're giving yourself that opportunity.

Just remember that chances are you aren't going to WANT to do what they (the specialists, nutritionist, etc) are going to tell you. That's just usually a given. You just have to make yourself do it. I assume you want to feel better. You just might feel worse before you feel better and you just gotta see that as the reality so you don't get discouraged and give up too easily and too early. Stick it out for a bit! And hopefully something good will come out of all it
 
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killedlastyear
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11/28/09 9:27 PM
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Quote

Originally posted by: gad


When his mother asked him how he was able to climb so high, when all his classmates couldn't, the boy replied, "They all looked down and got scared. I just looked up."


Yeah, kinda like that That relates to lots of stuff and is very true. I usually hate these kinds of motivational analogy things but this one's very to the point and well... true.
 
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downandout
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11/28/09 11:23 PM
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Gad - thanks for the inspiration.

KLY - thank you for the reality check. I was feeling kind of on a high when I posted on Thursday, and now I'm feeling kind of like - what in earth was I thinking? Someone was talking to me about working towards giving up my scale.... someone else was talking to me about coming off my laxatives.... And to all these things I just thought to myself "that is not happening."
It's the idea of my eating disorder being gone that I want. The specifics of it, though... you're right, I still want them. And I guess if I want to get better, I'll just have to give them up while hating myself for doing that.
Right now, though, I've just started reaching out for help, and that's a big step in itself. Now I've got to take it slowly.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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Aba
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11/30/09 1:44 PM
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>Right now, though, I've just started reaching out for help, and that's a big step in itself. Now I've got to take it slowly.

and the fist step is usually the hardest. Good Luck.

I don't know were you plan on starting but I will tell you laxatives can potential put you in a very embarrassing situations when a rest room is close by.
(I haven't decided if this is in bad taste, I may remove it latter )

Kol Tuv,
Aba


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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