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TOPIC TITLE: Rosh Hashana
Created On 9/18/09 2:50 PM
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downandout
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4/18/10 3:30 PM
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Thanks for the empathy. It's good to know I'm not the only crazy one out there. (Kidding)

And about the weight.... Yeah, everyone has been telling me it's the last thing... It's just so hard not to give in to it.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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downandout
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I'm not doing so well. Back inpatient again since Friday. It sucks. It really, really does. I so am not ready for this, not ready for full recovery, not ready to really try, not ready to give up my behaviors. I know I was doing better for a period of time, but now I haven't been doing well, and it's even harder to get out of it now than it was before. I'm not sure why. All I know is that I'm feeling really ambivalent about recovery right now. It's so hard to stay motivated when the behaviors just suck me in. I wish I could tell you all that I'm still doing well... But it's really a long process - long and complicated. I hope to be able to tell you better news at some point in time, but I'm not sure how fast that's going to happen.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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ea87576n
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hey! I'm new here and i just wanted to tell you to hang in there! It sounds like you are going through a really tough time, but just hang on and you'll come out the other side.


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surviving
 
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Aba
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5/5/10 3:58 PM
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Hang in there you've done it before and I'm sure you can do it again.
Kol Tuv


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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toy123
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5/9/10 10:47 AM
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Downandout, how you doing? you still inpatient? Hope things are getting easier for you.


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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downandout
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5/9/10 11:59 AM
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Yeah, I am still inpatient. I think I'll be leaving at the end of the week. I was feeling kind of depressed and anxious last week, and not doing so well with managing my eating disorder symptoms, so they didn't want to let me leave. I hope I do better this week, and hopefully I'll go back to outpatient next week.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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5/10/10 10:54 PM
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hope things pick up with your motivation...
 
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downandout
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I'll be leaving sometime soon - I'm not sure when exactly. I won't be doing PHP here - my doctor feels it wasn't good for me last time, and I agree with her. So I'll be going straight from here to regular once a week outpatient providers.
My motivation is a little better now, and so is my mood. I guess it kind of comes and goes, but right now I'm okay. I hope it stays like this.



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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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downandout
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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.

Edited: 5/12/10 at 9:55 AM by downandout
 
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downandout
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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.

Edited: 5/12/10 at 9:55 AM by downandout
 
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toy123
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I'm happy to hear that you're leaving very soon. It must be so hard to go from a php down to only once a week. Hope that'll work out okay for you. Main thing is that your mood and motivation are somewhat better, hope it stays that way.


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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toy123
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-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.

Edited: 5/12/10 at 12:02 PM by toy123
 
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downandout
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I'm leaving inpatient on Friday. I'm terrified and really don't know if I'll be able to do it on the outside.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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toy123
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5/18/10 11:29 AM
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Downandout how's it going? How you managing?

Good Luck for Shavous. Hope it won't be to hard.


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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downandout
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5/18/10 1:17 PM
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Well, actually, as it turns out, I still haven't left inpatient. I don't know how long I'll be staying - they're not giving me a discharge date yet. They want to change things with my meds, and keep me under observation for a period of time. I also don't feel so ready to leave yet - I'm not sure I could hold back from using behaviors. So for now I'm here - and I obviously won't be home for Shavuos. I'll have to deal with being here for it.
Thanks for asking. Let me know how you're doing.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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5/18/10 3:24 PM
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I'm away for Shavuous too. Do you think maybe it's for the best that you're away for it? Or do you think you would have been able to handle the holiday outside of treatment?
 
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downandout
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5/21/10 8:52 AM
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It's probably best that I was away for Shavuos, because even with the one holiday meal I had here, I didn't do so well. I don't think I would have done well at home.
Were you at relatives for Shavuos, or at partial treatment?


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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I'm in IOP now so I was basically on my own for shavuos. The closest I came to celebrating the holiday was prob eating greek yogurt with wheat germ. My mom offered for me to go home, but I didn't think it was the best idea. Holiday meals are hard.
 
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downandout
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Got it. Yeah, I didn't come very close to celebrating Shavuos either. But I agree with you - holiday meals are hard. I'm glad in a way that I wasn't home.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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downandout
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6/1/10 9:36 PM
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Having a really hard time these days. I've been comparing myself non-stop to the other people over here, feeling like I'm too big to belong here. Then I've been feeling like I've been here forever and barely made any progress... My ED thoughts are as strong as ever.
I went out on pass on Saturday and Sunday, and did not do well. I didn't purge, but I restricted a lot. And then I came back here, and wasn't even upset at myself - in fact, I was proud of myself that I restricted. And now I feel guilty about that, because I'm here trying to recover and then I feel proud of myself for using ED behaviors? It's crazy. And then the next day I asked for my weight, and of course got upset about that, so now I'm full of conflicting feelings about knowing that I'm here and supposed to be recovering, but at the same time being really involved in all my obsessions about food and weight.
So in all, I'm not doing too great these days, and my mood leaves a lot to be desired. I'm getting really frustrated with the situation and with myself.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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sorry. i hope things get better for you. were you honest with them about your restricting?
i only know too much about what you're going through so it doesn't help much...
 
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downandout
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Yeah, I was honest with them. I always am, so I guess that's a step in the right direction. I don't hold things back from them.
Thanks for the empathy.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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downandout
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6/13/10 9:00 PM
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So for the update...
I'll be going home on Tuesday - finally. I've been here far too long, so I'm glad it's coming to an end. I had a pass at home today, and it really went well, so I'm a little more confident for when I'll really be home.
I'm going to do PHP here again, and hopefully this time it'll actually help me out with the transition.
I'm really hoping things go well for me. I'm nervous as anything, but willing to keep trying....


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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downandout
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7/5/10 6:33 PM
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I've been doing partial for the past three weeks, and I've been cutting down slowly. This week I'll only be going in twice, and then Thursday will be my last day. I'm really nervous, to say the least.
I've been doing pretty well for the last week or two, but I have had my slip-ups, and I'm afraid that not having a "place" to go back to will make things all the harder. I mean, I know I'll have regular outpatient therapy, but it won't be the same as having a solid place to go back to, one that I've been going to, both in- and out-patient for over four months.
Also, I don't have a job right now, so I don't have anything much to keep me busy at home - other than various errands and household tasks. It's hard to stay focused on getting better and do things right when there's so little to distract myself with... Today, for example, was really, really hard. I had some errands to take care of, did them, and then had nothing else to do. I took care of the kids, went a little nutty, paced around my house... And ended up using some ED behaviors for the first time in a while. And mostly because I just had nothing to do, and was going out of my mind from boredom and lack of structure. So I know I need to find a job.
The problem is, I can't get one right now. We're going away in a couple of weeks, so it would be useless to find something now... So in the meantime, I guess I kind of just have to sit it out and wait... It's just so hard - and making me really nervous about stopping partial completely.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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toy123
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I can so relate to you in term of not having what to do. I don't either have a job and go absolutely bananas from boredom. I wish I could give you a solution to the problem but I don't have one-i wish I did. As for leaving partial it'll be very hard I know but hopefully you'll have the support of your outside therapist and that'll help you get through.


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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killedlastyear
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7/6/10 3:08 PM
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Too bad we don't live closer to each other, because then maybe we could keep each-other busy. blah.
 
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downandout
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7/7/10 6:32 PM
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Thanks for relating to me, both of you. It feels good to know I'm not alone in the way I feel.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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Researcher
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9/30/11 6:13 PM
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Are any of you interested in responding to an anonymous online survey about disordered eating in the Orthodox community? As a fellow survivor of an eating disorder, I am currently examining the struggles specific to the Orthodox community regarding eating disorders. I believe the only way to heal is to educate; I am researching and writing a term paper on this topic.
 
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hugs
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researcher, I would be willing to answer questions but only if it really is anonymous.
 
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