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TOPIC TITLE: not doing well
Created On 11/22/09 8:43 PM
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killedlastyear
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11/22/09 8:43 PM
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i'm really not doing well tonight.

it's really scary. i don't know what to do with myself. i need to go down and have dinner but i'm really scared to eat.

i'm just so scared of the silence in my house and realizing how much my eating disorder helps me cope and gives me a sense of comfort and companionship.

i'm not even really so sure what i'm scared about. i just don't know what to do with myself or how to cope with these feelings that i can't even name.
 
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gad
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11/22/09 11:50 PM
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How did you manage?
 
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killedlastyear
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11/24/09 11:03 PM
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thanks for asking, gad.

i did manage in the end. still not doing so great, but i've been able to keep up relatively well with my meals.

it was just so weird having all those feelings and not being able to even figure out which feelings i was having! and also weird to realize just how much i use my eating disorder to cope in those kind of situations (and all situations really)!
 
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killedlastyear
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1/2/10 7:53 PM
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I'm struggling and it's really hard because I don't want to trigger anyone so I feel bad talking about it with other people who have eating disorders, but talking about it with people who don't doesn't help because they don't understand.

Talking to my therapist is helpful of course but I only see her an hour a week which really isn't long enough right now.

I'm looking into a facility right now but I doubt it's in-network with my insurance and my therapist says that any other places she has to suggest for me would for sure not be in-network.

It's just really frustrating because I feel so alone which I think is causing my eating to be even worse because all I really want to do is go to sleep and hibernate until I'm feeling better- not waste time and energy trying to force myself to do all the hard parts of recovery that I've begun to feel apathetic about anyway.
 
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channafofanna
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1/2/10 10:46 PM
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))))))))))))))))hugs((((((((((((((((((
i hope you feel better soon!! you deserve it the way u help everyone else here
 
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Aba
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1/4/10 9:31 PM
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I'd like to second that.
Kol Tuv


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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downandout
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1/4/10 10:07 PM
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How are you feeling now, KLY? Are you still struggling as much? How's your search for a facility going? (I'm assuming inpatient?)
I really hope you're doing somewhat okay...


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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1/5/10 3:42 PM
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Thanks everyone- channa, I actually replied and wrote thanks like yesterday or something but I see now that it didn't post! thank you though

I meet with my therapist again tomorrow so I"ll find out more about how the facility thing is going (though I reeeeeally doubt I'm going to be able to go)- it's residential yeah. or inpatient. I'm not sure lol. I think they have both.

My doc just called. My nutritionist "told on me" (lol I'm not really upset because she does have my permission to speak with my doc... I just don't remember her telling me she was going to be calling my doc) that I never got my blood work done (i was supposed to do it every month) and I have to get one of those bone scans.

So my doc just called and I have to go pick up the forms and get it done. I told her I forgot and she was like did you really forget and I was like well yeah and then I remembered but I was anxious since I'd forgotten and hadn't gotten it done. I really don't mind the bloodwork. But I don't want a bone scan.

has anyone had one of those? i'm not so scared of the test itself, just don't want to know the results so much. it won't scare me into changing stuff it'll just make me more depressed. so I personally kind of feel like it's pointless, but my doc obviously feels otherwise.
 
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downandout
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1/5/10 11:01 PM
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I doubt they're sending you for the test just to scare you. They're sending you because there is a real risk of bone density problems, so although it won't get you to change anything about your eating (which I'm totally with you on), you may be able to do things to slow it's progression (take medicines for it, supplements, whatever...).
I've never gotten one either, though. I think you're lucky though that you have a doctor who is involved enough (although it may be pretty annoying). My doctor totally does not get how serious this disorder is. He's totally not someone I count on to get me through.
Good luck! (But please don't go into hibernation because of it....)


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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1/6/10 6:53 PM
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yeah i know they aren't doing it just to scare me. thanks for telling me that there's stuff they can give me to slow stuff down. i wasn't aware of that. i guess that makes me more motivated to go get it done....

and no I wasn't complaining about my doc. she's amazing and I reeeally appreciate that and realize how lucky I am. she even called me herself instead of having her assistant do it.

well yes just like I assumed. my insurance won't cover that facility and won't do a one time coverage for me (sometimes insurances will do that).
of course I find a place that looks promising and I knew that'd happen.

I feel SOOOO discouraged now. My therapist was honest with me and told me that most of the places aren't what I'm looking for and that the few that are what I'm looking for are very small and prob wont be covered by my insurance.

I'm actually on hold right now with my insurance company to find out which centers are in-network with them.

I'm just feeling very discouraged. I don't think I'm going to find a facility that will be appropriate for me so I feel like I'll never get better.

It's also annoying that I saw that place my therapist recommended because now I feel like I have that in my mind and I'll be comparing everything else to it. I really have to not do that I know. And I keep telling myself that if that had been the right place then god would have made it work out so it obviously just wasn't the right place. It just wasn't meant to be... I need to get over it.

(don't want to bore you so I won't go into specifics. I know it's possible for people to get better without inpatient and I know it sounds like I'm being really picky about a facility. just wanted to clear that up so people don't respond telling me that hehe :-p).
 
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killedlastyear
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update: (hehe ok I've gotten over that other place. I was able to convince myself of it. now I'm just feeling hopeless that I'll find a place.) {just got off the phone with insurance people and he wasn't helpful at all and said a list of places doesn't exist. i need to call in with specific names of places and he can tell me if it's in-network or not. and i'm not wasting my time looking up places that aren't covered since there are so many places out there.
so i emailed my therapist and i'll see what she says.

does anyone have any recommendations? ever heard anything amazing about any place (anywhere in the country).
 
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downandout
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1/6/10 7:11 PM
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I'm so sorry the place you wanted does not work out with your insurance.

And, it's totally normal to be "picky." Everyone has to do what they need to do in order to get better. If you need to go residential or inpatient to get better, then that's what you gotta do. And obviously, if you need to do that, you have to find the place that is right for you. Each person has their specific needs - no two people's eating disorders are alike... Do what you have to, without feeling bad about it.

I really hope you find somewhere good that your insurance covers. Good luck!


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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1/9/10 9:22 PM
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thanks Very true what you said. That's exactly how I feel about these places.

I've found two places that look like maybes. Problem is right now we're low on money so I'm gonna have to see if it's a possibility now. I also don't know just how poorly I'm doing. Or how dedicated I am to really getting better. I'll wait to talk with my therapist. We'll see what happens. I have a feeling I won't be going anywhere anytime soon though.
 
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downandout
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1/9/10 11:01 PM
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It's tough when funds are low...

You said you don't know just how poorly you're doing. Do you have to be doing very poorly to go into one of those facilities? Can't you go even if you're not doing so terribly?

Also, you don't know how committed you are to getting better. That's right now - but keep in mind that you have had times that you were committed (I think - at least it sounded like that from your posts). So if you have to take a certain step even without the dedication, maybe it's worth it... Just to take the action without really agreeing with it (now I'm being a Jenni Schaefer fan again

Hope your decision-making goes well...


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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1/12/10 12:39 PM
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I mentioned that I don't know how poorly I'm doing because the worse I am the more willing my parents are to pay so much money for treatment. (and the less guilty I'll feel using their money).

It's true. I have been somewhat committed in the past.

I heard back from one of the places and found out they don't take my insurance in the end. The other place is supposed to be calling me back today. Eh, I'm a pessimist so I'm not really expecting anything.

This week is going a little better at least. I've planned out all my meals until Sunday and they're pretty much following my MP.

I was at the grocery today and saw these new yogurt flavors that I've been waiting for to come out and got them which made snack more fun. so yay.
 
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killedlastyear
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1/12/10 12:40 PM
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oh yeah and i got my blood work done this morning. still needa schedule the bone scan...
 
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downandout
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1/12/10 2:18 PM
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I'm so glad this week is going better. Good for you!

What a shame that the program you were looking into doesn't take your insurance. I hope something works out (but I also hope you don't think you have to do very very poorly in order to make it work out).

Yay for you that you got your bloodwork done. Did you get the results yet? Is everything okay? I hope so...



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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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1/13/10 11:19 PM
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OK i'm seriously freaking out.
The other place is in network with my insurance. They called me tonight. I have a phone assessment set up for tomorrow. I need to get an EKG done ASAP (like tomorrow) as well as have my medical records and lab work (I prob need more tests done) sent in by friday morning. Meaning I have to have that ALL done tomorrow (the thought of that exhausts me!). IFFFFF I get "accepted" she said I should come by Tuesday or Wednesday of next week.

OMG OMG OMG. I don't want to go! I thought for SUUUURE they'd have a waiting list- no WAY did I think next week was even a possibility (it's a very small program)! I hadn't even decided if I wanted to go or not. My therapist today said I really need to go. But I don't WANT to go! I'm so so scared and so freaking out.

I already made a plane ticket in case I go (it would have been over $100 more if I'd waited to make it tomorrow)

omg I just don't think I can do this.
 
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downandout
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1/14/10 2:02 PM
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Oh my gosh is really the right choice of words.... It must be really, really scary to just be propelled into this all of the sudden... I so feel for you.

I hope your day is going well, with all the testing and stuff you have to do.

Just in response to your last line... You so, so, so can do it. You are so brave for doing all the inquiries, for listening to your doctor and therapist - so you can also be brave enough and strong enough to do this. I know it's hard, especially at a time that you're not sure how comitted you are to getting better (I can totally understand that), but I know that by even looking into the possibilities, you are strong. Stronger than I am at least

Good luck! Keep us posted as to what happens. And if you go, will you have internet access there? I hope so...


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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1/17/10 10:58 AM
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thanks D&O.

sorry I just need to vent. the following is going to be long: (and alot about weight and stuff so it might be a bit triggering. but no numbers mentioned- not even possible since i don't even know the numbers :-p)

craaaaazy week and it just gets crazier!

had my phone assessment and basically i'm the next one in on the waiting list. plane ticket for this week.

had doc appointment, have dexa scan scheduled for tomorrow, got blood work done (twice), and called my rabbi to find out what to do since they don't have kosher food there!

right now it's packing, buying some stuff i need, and loooots of laundry to do.

i'm freaking out still. after speaking with the lady and getting to ask questions about the program I got a lot calmer about it.
there's moments where i'm actually excited. most of the time freaking out though. and really anxious about all i have to do before!

I'm not letting myself get too excited though because since insurances are dumb you don't find out if you're covered until you get there.
(*might be triggering*):
last time I went to a program I was underweight enough that everyone said it would for SURE be covered.
this time my mom doesn't sound as sure. she even wanted to see my labwork to see if my labs were bad enough cuz that'd add to the case.
So I'm all worried about any weight I might gain now before I go will make it less likely I'll be covered.

But like I have so much food at home I want to eat (i know it's so dumb sounding and so messed up)- I'm like trying to eat as much of it as possible but at the same time FREAKING out that maybe I'm gaining too much weight???

last time i was residential the things I missed the most were my foods at home, gum, and diet soda. So I"m like well if I don't eat XXXXX now then I'm gonna be craving it the whole time I'm gone! I'm going CRAZY just deciding what to eat my last few meals home. I feel like i'm on death row and choosing my last meal ever. I keep trying to remind myself that I'll be gone no longer than a month and it'll all still be here when I come home for me to eat.

I'm also worried about going there and gaining a lot of weight and my insurance cutting me off before I'm able to really get semi-comfortable with my body.
(insurance always cuts off too early).

i'm worrying about too much I know.

I really hope it all works out in the end. It sounds like a REALLY good match for me.
I'm just really worrying right now about gaining weight and insurance cutting me off. And my therapist is away on vacation now so I have no one to talk my fears over with.
 
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killedlastyear
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1/17/10 10:59 AM
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oh yes and btw we're allowed to bring laptops and I'm pretty sure there's internet at the house there so yay
 
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killedlastyear
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OK now I'm just creeped out. my mom just came to me and reassured me of some of the things I was worrying about in my post above. She's not one to pick up on these kinds of things- and she isn't savvy about all this either, I usually have to tell her when and why I'm upset about something. And she isn't super informed about eating disorders and the worries associated with them either. She doesn't use the internet much so I dooooubt she's ever visited this website.

The paranoid part of me is saying that someone we know has figured out who I am and informed my mom. But I shouldn't be paranoid like that. I mean that's just like not so true prob.

So then the only explanation is that... my mom actually picked up on my fears??? Now that is just a weird thing to try to comprehend.

(hi mom in case you aaaaaare actually reading this :-p).
 
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downandout
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1/17/10 1:16 PM
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KLY, you have so much going on...

About the weight and insurance - it's so true about them cutting off too early, and that's a pretty scary thing to think about. But (probably easier said than done), it's probably just worth pushing that out of your mind for now, because now you're at the beginning of a major step in recovery - and it could work out really well, despite insurance limitations. Also, although it may be true that they're less likely to pay as much if you don't weigh as little as they think you should, you probably still qualify - it's just your ED telling you that you need to weigh less - it's not for real.

As for your mom finding out about your posts here - I think it's more likely that she just figured out the obvious things you were worried about. I'm also always really worried that people I know will find out who I am on here - whenever anybody says anything even remotely connected to something I've written, I get really paranoid. So that makes two of us.

Finally, good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really hope this place works out for you. It sounds like you think it'll be good for you, and I'm glad. I'm so happy you're doing what you need to do now. You are so strong.

And I'm glad you'll have web access.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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1/20/10 4:22 AM
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I leave in a few hours.
I don't want to go.
I'm so tempted to just not.
I'm packed, but I'm not ready.
 
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toy123
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1/20/10 9:32 AM
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Good luck!!!!!
Hope it will go well.


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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downandout
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1/20/10 10:29 AM
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(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))), KLY!

I wish you tons and tons and tons of luck....
You are so amazingly strong for going.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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channafofanna
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1/20/10 10:17 PM
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good luck!!!!
 
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killedlastyear
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1/21/10 11:35 PM
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only gonna be on for a minute cuz i'm so tired and want to go to sleep (so don't be insulted that i'm not replying to anyone elses posts tonight) but...

i'm here and it's like the most amazing program ever.
like seriously. i hated the last place i was at so much and it's so weird to actually LIKE being here- i'm like woooah black and white!
seriously i could go on for hours about what makes this place so amazing but i'll spare you.
and just say that it's exactly what i was looking for (so far) and that i'm so happy (right now) that i came and i praaaaay my insurance lets me stay here at least a few more weeks!
 
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toy123
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1/22/10 6:26 AM
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Yay I'm happy that it's working out for you. Let's hope your insurance let's you stay as long as u need to. Keep up the good work.


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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Aba
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Yah

Kol Tuv.


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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downandout
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1/22/10 10:08 AM
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KLY - I'm so glad you came on to let us know how you're doing. I was thinking of you.

That's great that it's working out well. It's nice that after the anxiety you went through worrying about going there, things are good - and amazing, in your words.

(You definitely inspire me to think it might work out for me too, if I manage to find the right place.)

And, like toy said, I hope and pray your insurance doesn't run out...

Good luck!


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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1/25/10 9:39 PM
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Thanks everyone.
The people here seem to think my insurance should let me stay a bit longer, but we'll see.
I have mixed feelings because this place really is great but I'm getting to the point where eating so much is becoming uncomfortable so, while I wouldn't leave on my own, I'm not sure just hooooow upset I'd be if insurance decided to cut me off..... :-p

My doc called me on friday with results from my dexa scan. Turns out I have osteoporosis- not even osteopenia- full blown osteoporosis. How wonderful. My nutritionist here says that with the right nutrition I may be able to turn it into osteopenia at least.
I know it's like a scary thing and all but it doesn't feel real. I'm still in much denial about my health level I guess.
I just don't get it.
 
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downandout
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1/26/10 11:28 AM
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I hope your insurance doesn't cut you off yet - because of course it's uncomfortable to be eating much more than you're used to, but the longer you stay, the more comfortable you'll get with it (hopefully), and that way when you go home it won't all go down the drain...

About the osteoporosis.... That's bad. And of course you're in denial about it. Facing it head on would mean giving up everything - which is something you don't feel quite ready to do yet. (Yeah, big talker that I am - I've never gone for a dexa scan - if my family history of osteoporosis plus my eating disorder add up right, I probably have it too - and I'd probably be in denial about it too.)

Anyway, good luck with the rest. And keep on trying!


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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Aba
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I hope it continues to work out.
I kind of wonder if insurance companies would let treatment go full term how may people would not relapse and how much money they would save.

Could you tell us some of the things that stand out about this program?

Kol Tuv.


-------------------------
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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toy123
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2/2/10 3:05 PM
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Killedlastyear (if you get to go online) how's it going at the program?
Hope all is going well and that the insurance didn't cut you off early.


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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downandout
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2/2/10 3:46 PM
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Yeah, I'm also wondering how it's going...


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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2/10/10 9:33 PM
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Hey all. I've been really tired every night when I get back so I haven't really had the energy to come online to update or visit this website. LOL I guess I spend all day talking about eating disorders it's like the last thing I want to think about at the end of the day!!!!

I actually have to go down now to do some "homework" before my therapy session tomorrow and have night snack, buuuuuuut G-d willing i'll be up in like an hour and I'll update more and answer Aba's question about some specifics about this program...
 
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killedlastyear
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2/10/10 10:32 PM
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OK well I'm back from snack and now exhausted so I'm gonna have to come back tomorrow night to update you more. But I will be back....
 
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downandout
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2/10/10 11:06 PM
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Yes, please do let us know. I for one would love to hear... It would mean a lot to me to know what these programs are like - although obviously they differ from place to place.
Whenever you get a chance...


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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2/11/10 9:59 PM
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I had a not good experience at my last treatment center which makes me appreciate this one SO much more than most of the other people here and more than I would have otherwise I'm sure.
(this list could go on and on...)

~ALL of the staff members here are soooooooo nice. Like seriously. I have never met a group of people each one of them so amazing before. They're friendly and we're talked to like human beings. They sincerely want us to feel comfortable.

~This place is small so they can be more individualized.

~ The food is really good (seriously). It's served attractively. No one eats off of "trays". Each course is served to you like at a restaurant. You eat at dining room tables basically.

~You are actually allowed to talk about SPECIFICS. at other programs you can't mention specifics because people might get triggered. Here you can talk about ANYTHING during groups, talk about purging, exercising, etc. I find that SO helpful and it was something that really bothered me about other places I've been. There's no tip-toeing around stuff. You can be real and get real feedback. You can really vent. You can be honest about stuff.

~It's very set up to transfer into the "real world". cell phones and laptops are allowed. Gum is allowed (no food or drinks of course though). They have diet sodas (though you are limited to a number of them a day). They have sweeteners (though only at meal times). It the view that things are OK in moderation.

~They have a decent amount of food choices (especially as far as snacks go). The food is good; like I mentioned above. I know for a fact that they use "name brand" products (not like cheap store brand stuff that tastes stale). Haha I could go on and on about all the good things they have about the food. Like the condiment list. But I wont cuz I could seriously write on and on about the food :-p

~Pets can visit. Which I like I like when people bring their dogs.

~Staff eats with you at meals. They keep up normal conversations. There's "post" at the end of the meal where you can go around and say REALLY how you felt about the meal. you can say "it was oily and gross and i'm having urges to purge now" if that's how you really feel. then staff can offer support. You don't have to listen to the entire room's posts- only the people at your table. It's not triggering, it's helpful really. At least I've found it to be. It's not always bad stuff. I really liked dinner tonight :-p

~I feel like people are more open and honest here then at the last treatment center I was at. I feel like there isn't as much "fluff". It's more real. Dealing with the gritty and grimeyness of eating disorders.

~if you aren't able to eat your food you can supplement instead (liquid supplement). Choosing to supplement is not seen as a bad thing (sometimes people do it if they really don't like the meal). It's only seen as a bad thing if you refuse the supplement as well. Of course they'll challenge you if you supplement too often, but some other places see it as a bad thing and set you back levels if you have to supplement even once. They realize here that it isn't always easy to eat so much food and that sometimes you might not even like what's being served.

Of course different places are better for different people. I wanted a place that was small and individualized and people that would hold my hand (not literally) and tell me it's OK to eat- NOT threaten that i HAVE to eat.

OK I gotta go down for snack now (woohoo. lol i actually have always liked having a snack in the evening and this and breakfast are my easiest things to eat).
 
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downandout
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2/11/10 10:16 PM
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Wow. It sounds like you've really gotten to a good place (both literally and figuratively). I'm so glad for you that the program is really working out for you. It makes such a difference that they're not forcing the food on you - that's what I'm absolutely terrified of...
Now that I've seen all the good stuff about your place, I'm really nervous about what Princeton will be like. I hope they are good as well... I guess I can console myself knowing that you were really nervous and anxious before you went in, and it worked out well for you.
Good luck with the rest. Keep on doing well and being happy there...


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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downandout
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2/11/10 10:18 PM
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Wow. It sounds like you've really gotten to a good place (both literally and figuratively). I'm so glad for you that the program is really working out for you. It makes such a difference that they're not forcing the food on you - that's what I'm absolutely terrified of...
Now that I've seen all the good stuff about your place, I'm really nervous about what Princeton will be like. I hope they are good as well... I guess I can console myself knowing that you were really nervous and anxious before you went in, and it worked out well for you.
Good luck with the rest. Keep on doing well and being happy there...


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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2/17/10 9:35 PM
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I hope writing all the stuff I like about this place isn't bad for other people to read and then compare it to places they go to/ have been to. Because every place really is different for everyone- and everyone really does need something else from a treatment place.
This just happens to be the right fit for ME.

I hope you have a good experience at Princeton though.

And even though they aren't forcing the food on us, I'm still struggling with the food stuff. I'm eating everything given to me but I've gotten to the point where I'm really struggling with the weight I've gained and maintaining it once I get home. I meet with my therapist tomorrow and I'm going to bring it up with her.
 
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downandout
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2/17/10 9:48 PM
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Yeah, I know I shouldn't compare based on what you wrote. I just wanted to know kind of what an inpatient facility might be like - although of course I have found out from Princeton specifically what their program is like.

And of course I understand that even with it being a good program, there is still tons of struggling. That must be really hard - putting on the weight then having to maintain it on your own... I'm absolutely terrified of that. So I hope you manage to come up with a good plan with your therapist tomorrow.

Are you going to be discharged any time soon?


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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Aba
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2/24/10 5:21 PM
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Thanks for filling us in on the place, I hope you continue to grow there.

I heard good things about Princeton.

Kol Tuv.


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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toy123
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2/24/10 5:25 PM
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Killedlastyear are you home already?

How are things going?


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Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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killedlastyear
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3/1/10 9:31 PM
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still here.
they're talking about me being here a couple more months.
having trouble with the weight gain. alot of trouble with it right now. they're pushing it too far i think.
i'm still here though. we'll see. no insurance troubles as of yet, but i'm deff. expecting them soon since i've fattened up by now.
 
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killedlastyear
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3/8/10 11:35 PM
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still here.
having insane huge body issues.
they're still talking about me being her a couple more months. had to call my rabbi about what to do about passover since due to insurance i can't go home for all of passover (48 hours is even possibly pushing the limit) and keeping passover kosherness isn't possible in the facility. going to be a VERY weird passover that's all I can say.
that is, if my insurance even holds up until then.
i'm so huge now part of me just wants them to cut me off already so i can go home and get skinny again.
part of me loves being here and actually having friends and people to talk to that i wish i could stay here forever.
all parts of me are very confused and angry and anxious and upset.
 
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downandout
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3/9/10 8:49 AM
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(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

Sounds like you're really going through a hard time. I know how hard it is - I haven't been inpatient for nearly as long as you have, but I know the feeling - of wanting to leave so you can just go back to your old eating disorder ways, and of wanting to stay because you have people who understand you and support you. So I can understand your anxiety and frustration.
The passover thing is hard - I'm hoping I get discharged before, otherwise it's huge problems for me as well. I wonder what your Rabbi will say about it.
But in general, are you doing better? Are you starting to change your mindset, and move onwards? It's really, really hard.... But I hope you're able to do it, even just a little bit...


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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3/9/10 10:15 PM
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I only want to lose a couple of pounds. I can't accept the weight i'm at right now. I think I'm going to go right back to where I was at this point because I'm so uncomfortable with the weight I'm at now. Of course there are things I have gotten from the program but I am really going insane over this weight piece.

my rabbi said i could come home for the sedars and fly back to treatment the day after the second sedar and eat the food that they have at the treatment center (even though they can't change anything for me for passover). my parents have offered to come and do the sedars with me in a hotel room so that I don't have to fly back during yom tov, though I'll still have to take a van over to the treatment facility. it's going to be very very weird either way.

i don't know what to do now. i'm having the most horrible day and night and i feel like it's only getting worse. no one is giving me any real advice worth listening to about why i should stay. i feel like the pros and cons are really leaning towards going back home.
 
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