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TOPIC TITLE: not doing well
Created On 11/22/09 8:43 PM
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killedlastyear
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insurance has dropped me from residential as of yesterday but will now cover PHP. the program i'm at says they wont let me do PHP yet because they feel i'm not ready so basically my parents are having to pay out of pocket ALOT of money each day for the next week or two until my program will approve me for PHP.

i'm really upset about this because i don't see how much progress they're expecting me to make in the next two weeks, plus i've been here over a month and have yet to commit to full recovery.

does that even ever really happen? I"m thinking maybe I should request to switch to a different therapist? is that normal? i seem to not have gotten very far with mine so far.
 
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downandout
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3/11/10 7:43 AM
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I don't know your situation or anything, but if you've been there over a month and you feel like you haven't made much progress with your therapist, then it might be the right thing to do to switch. But, before you do that, you have to think about whether the reason you haven't made much progress might be because you have been resistant. I know that sometimes happens with me - I say that nothing's happening, nothing's moving - but it's only because I've lacked the motivation to try to make things move. I'm not saying that is what's going on with you, just something to think about.

About the insurance business... Isn't it crazy how insurance can sort of control our recovery? I'm glad you're working around that, and staying even though you aren't covered. Partial is really good too - you just have to be ready for it. Stick it out the next two weeks, and trust your treatment team - it really might make all the difference.

Good luck!


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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channafofanna
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3/12/10 2:32 PM
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do you not like the therapist or is it just you arent in the mood to work with her (for ex. i like my therapist, but i dont want to get better so i dont talk and when i diddnt like a dif therapist i told her so i could do the oposite or argue with her)
 
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killedlastyear
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3/14/10 9:37 PM
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I feel like the therapist needs me to tell her what I need when I don't know what I need. which is why i need a therapist.
Whatever, it's not that big of a deal. I basically have just made all of the "realizations" and stuff on my own through journaling and find that our sessions aren't extremely helpful.

I'm eating out for breakfast on my own tomorrow for the first time! I've done restaurant outings with nutritionists and other girls before and i've done snack out on my own but this will be my first meal outing on my own. I really don't want to do it but kind of have to to prove to them that I'm ready to start doing breakfast on my own (which is so dumb because on my own I'll be having cereal and milk and fruit not going out to eat at stupid restaurants every morning!). but whatever. i'll just do it to prove to them i can do it.

i have no idea how much of this stuff i'll really be able to do when i get home though. breakfast, yes. but not eating out at restaurants.
 
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hugs
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3/14/10 9:50 PM
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killedlastyear- are all places like yours? I've never been to an ed place but it sounds interesting what they make you do there. I think you're really strong for being able to do it. I would never be able to and never would agree to it!!
Good luck
 
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killedlastyear
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3/16/10 9:19 PM
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no all places are very different. VERY different. i strongly suggest doing intensive research before going to any eating disorder treatment center and also being honest with yourself about what you need from a facility.
 
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killedlastyear
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3/17/10 11:34 PM
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I'm considering going home this weekend.
Since my insurance stopped covering me for residential I've had to do PHP and so now I have to move into a house with 4 other PHP girls.
They're very cliquey and it's going to be very uncomfortable living with them.
I still have not come to terms with my weight.
I thought the "step down" program would be alot more independent then it actually is. So I don't think there's really much else I can get out of this program.
Going home will be hell.
I know I am leaving here with my eating disorder still strong. I know I am going to relapse. I just can't stay here any longer now that insurance has cut me from residential. I just don't see the point in the PHP program and have not been able to come to terms with the weight part.
I was planning on waiting it out at least until after pesach but now I don't even think I'll be able to do that.

It just sucks having to go home after all this. I just wish I could be going someplace fresh and new at least. I feel like I'm just going to go back into the same cycle of depression and such.
 
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downandout
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3/18/10 7:43 AM
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((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

You must be feeling really bad. It's hard to know that you've gone through a while of treatment, and still feel that things are basically the same.
Is there anything at all you feel you've gotten from the program? Anything that you feel may have changed, any way that you have changed? The weight is the hardest - I know that - but in other ways, have things gotten at all easier?
I know you wrote that you will relapse when you go home - but is there anything you have gotten that will make that relapse only partial, and easier to climb out of than it has been in the past?

I really, really feel for you. I'm so sorry you're feeling the way you are. Keep going though. I think you're stronger than you imagine you are.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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downandout
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3/21/10 1:58 PM
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Kly, what's happening with you? Did you go home yet? Or are you still sticking it out? Just wondering how you're doing.... And thinking of you.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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3/21/10 9:47 PM
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still here. about to go down and have my evening snack actually. to the awkwardness downstairs with all the clique girls sitting around watching tv and me alone at the kitchen table a few feet away. blah. awkward.
my mom has pre-paid for 14 days so i at least have to be here two weeks.
my plan now is to leave sometime shortly after pesach.
 
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downandout
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3/22/10 8:39 AM
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It must be hard to feel left out. Have you felt like that since you've gotten there? Or have you had a chance to make any friends to hang out with over there? It sounds like you're really having a hard time, in more than one way. I wish, wish, wish there was something I could do to fix it. I guess all I can do is tell you that I really and truly care, and I hope your next two weeks are an improvement in many ways.
Is the weight business getting any easier? Or is it just getting harder?
Please keep holding on... You can do it. It may take long, and it's not easy by any stretch of the imagination, but believe in yourself.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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3/28/10 1:10 PM
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The weight piece is getting harder not easier, as I am sure I'm continuing to gain (though they claim my weight isn't really going up).

My insurance told me I need to take a day off I guess to see how well i do so I'm "off" today.
I'm going to do pretty well I know. I've already had breakfast, am snack, and about to go down to have lunch soon. My parents are arriving this afternoon so I'll do dinner with them.
I have no idea what this means as far as insurance goes. It may mean that they may stop covering treatment. It may mean they might push me down from 10hr to 6hr PHP or only cover some days of the week, not all 7.
It's just dumb though, because although I'm doing fine here on my day off it means nothing about how I'd do at home. And I still have NOT figured out the weight part yet so whatever.
I'm just really anxious because I hate not knowing what insurance will say or whatever. Some days I hope they don't cut me off, other days I'm worried they might.
 
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downandout
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4/10/10 10:36 PM
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Kly, how are you doing? How did you do over Pesach? And what's going on with your treatment? Are you in partial hospitalization, or are you on your own - or are you still inpatient? Just wondering... And thinking of you.
Lots of luck with whatever you're doing.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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4/11/10 9:15 PM
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Pesach was fine. I'm still here, though they've been letting me take days off. I'm in PHP now. 10 hour. I took 2 days off this past week and will be taking 3 days off the coming up week. After that I don't know. I'm so over-ready to go home and get on with stuff. I'm really tired of being here. I don't think I'm getting anything else out of the program at this point.
I'm still not happy with my weight. I don't know what's going to happen when I go home. I know I won't loose as much as last time because I have reasons to stay at least close to what I am now.
I can't stand it though. I'm so tired of being here. I want to leave already but my therapist back home said she won't see me if I leave before my team here tells me I can leave. So I guess I'm just gonna have to spend this week convincing them of that.
 
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downandout
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4/13/10 7:04 AM
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I'm in PHP too, now - 10 hours also.

Sounds really hard. A lot of people who've been in program for a while feel like they're over-ready to go. I haven't experienced the feeling yet, but it must be really tough to have to be in a treatment environment when you feel more than ready to leave.
It's interesting that you talk about the weight piece. I was out of program over Pesach, and I really did pretty well - but the weight piece is really getting to me, too. It bothers me so much. I feel like I'm doing alll the actions right, but the obsessions are still there. So I totally get you. I've learned though to do what needs to be done, kind of ignoring my mindset. It gets easier after doing it again and again - which is the point of going to a treatment place for the ED. It really can be done.
Good luck in convincing your team. Let us know what happens.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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4/18/10 10:07 AM
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so far they're trying for 2 weeks of 6 hour and then 2 weeks of IOP, with me going home for a couple of days in a week to see how it goes. I'm all for that plan right now- let's just see how insurance takes it!
 
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downandout
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4/18/10 3:28 PM
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I'm glad you're in agreement with them about a plan, so I really hope insurance will cover it.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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5/10/10 10:52 PM
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in IOP for 3 weeks. Then all my insurance days are used up. for the year. so if i relapse (which i already think i'm going to) that's just too bad.

My weight's gone down a little bit- not on purpose, but i don't have motivation to get it back up since it was higher then what i'd agreed on anyway. it's still within the healthy range so whatever.

i have motivators to keep it at least in a healthyish range when i get home. i just don't know how long I can keep it like this for. We'll see I guess.
 
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downandout
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5/11/10 7:35 AM
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I'm glad you're still in IOP.
And I can totally identify with insurance days being used up, because mine are used up already and right now I'm on self-pay. It's rough.
But please, don't think already now that you're going to relapse - that's kind of setting yourself up for it. Keep your motivators in mind... I know I should be telling these things to myself as well, because I'm also so unsure of how I'm going to manage once I'm out there. I still have a while to go here, but pre-meditated relapse is just not worth it. Try your hardest - even if you hate the weight piece like I do.
Oh, gosh, I'm preaching... and it's something I need to start practicing.
Good luck.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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Aba
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5/11/10 1:12 PM
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What type of health coverage do you have b/c in many cases limiting the number of days has been outlawed by the Mental Health Parity Act http://www.businessinsurance.com/article/20100131/ISSUE01/301319976. This isn't part of Obama's health plan but was passed in the last days of Bush and went into affect Jan 2010.

Kol Tuv and Good Luck.


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden

Edited: 5/11/10 at 1:13 PM by Aba
 
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killedlastyear
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i think it only covers you if you're medically unstable, which i'm not according to their terms (them being the people who decide what's considered stable).
 
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killedlastyear
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5/18/10 3:22 PM
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Less than 2 weeks to go....
 
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downandout
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5/21/10 8:54 AM
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You must be feeling really apprehensive... Hold on to every moment you've got. It's worth it.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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5/26/10 8:27 PM
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I had a really bad day today. It's too bad to write about I just want to cry. It's all about weight and having to go home and expectations. They want me to gain more, it's almost unbearable for me to even stay where I am. If they consider this unhealthy and are giving me this much hell about it then there's no reason not to go back to where I was. I feel hopeless and have wanted to start cutting again recently. I haven't but the urges are so strong. I have no way to vent or cope and I feel so trapped.
 
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channafofanna
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5/27/10 9:56 AM
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))))))))))))))hugs(((((((((((((((((((
 
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downandout
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5/27/10 5:31 PM
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I'll give some ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) too.
KLY, I'm so sorry you're feeling like that. I'm sorry I didn't reply last night - I didn't see your post until now.
How did your day turn out to be?
And I'm sorry you're feeling that way about the expectations. I know what that feels like - the feeling that it is already unbearable, and then they want even more of you.
But please, please, keep strong and don't resort to cutting. You know - and that's why you haven't done it - that it isn't worth it. Keep working at it....

Good luck.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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hugs
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7/21/11 10:22 PM
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Struggling a lot right now! Not doing too well!
And my friend keeps telling me that I'm crazy because of this. I finally said I'm not crazy, so they said fine- psychotic. My gosh. How do I make someone understand this illness instead of thinking I'm completely nuts? How do I help them understand so they can stand by my side and support me?
Hope others are doing well right now!!
 
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depressed
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7/22/11 12:45 AM
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They simply don't understand. They can't. Don't listen to a word they say. We're here for you-you're NOT crazy. You are totally NORMAL! Its normal to fall back and go forward. Tell them that they can't understand and so they should stop bothering you. Hang in there!
 
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hugs
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Here's the thing. I want to help him understand so he can support me and be there for me. I don't think he's bothering me. He just sees that I'm going in a bad direction and is scared/nervous for me. I know it's normal for me to struggle sometimes, for there to be ups and downs but I am scared that I am more down than up right now.
I know I'm messing myself up by doing this though so it's stupid of me but I just can't help it!
Life is so messed up!!!
 
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depressed
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7/22/11 2:41 PM
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sorry I misunderstood you. I really feel for you-try to stay strong even though its SO SO SO hard! Hang in there!
 
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channafofanna
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7/22/11 5:28 PM
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cud you msaybe like find him a first person article abt it, thats good? but, thats tuff. hang in there!
 
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