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TOPIC TITLE: Conversation with Ed
Created On 1/3/10 1:34 PM
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downandout
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1/3/10 1:34 PM
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This is my current conversation with Ed (my eating disorder voice):
Ed: You cannot eat lunch.
D&O: Why are you tormenting me like this? I just promised someone that I would eat lunch today. Why can't you let me?!
Ed: Don't you know that you'll get fat if you eat according to your meal plan?
D&O: I know, but.... I have to eat.
Ed: So why don't you compromise? Just eat a banana and yogurt, and don't eat anything else until supper. That way you're kind of listening to her.
D&O: That's not called listening to her. I told her I'll eat according to my meal plan.
Ed: Fine, go ahead and eat. But I'm just reminding you: YOU'LL GET FAT!
D&O: You are so confusing. I don't know who to listen to. If I listen to you, I'll be lying. But if I listen to her, I'll get fat!

What do I do? For the meantime, I'm doing nothing - not eating anything. I need some help.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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1/3/10 2:55 PM
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sounds like someone's been reading some jenni shafer books.... :-p

I just had lunch. I had yogurt and I had a banana at breakfast this morning. mmmm yummy.

How bout you have the banana and yogurt AND other stuff. That way you'll follow your meal plan but you'll also be having some foods that your eating disorder feels are more safe, so you won't get too much out of your comfort zone?

and you wont get fat!!!! you'll end up eating more calories if you restrict to just eating the banana and yogurt, getting hungry later... and binging.

 
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downandout
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1/3/10 6:40 PM
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Yup, I've been rereading life without ed.

you were so right. i skipped lunch, then ate a banana and yogurt at 430, then ate some other stuff that i didnt want to eat. but i did speak to some ppl for support, and i've made some commitments for tomorrow...

one thing i know is not to push off the decision anymore. that was ed, not me.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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1/4/10 7:38 PM
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yeah I've found alot of times the anxiety just grows the longer you push it off.
which I knew would happen with dinner tonight. So I just had the eat it and get it out of the way kind of attitude. Duh, easier said then done. but still...
 
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downandout
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1/4/10 10:04 PM
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I was much better today. I also had that kind of "just do it" attitude today - push away all the thoughts....(as much as possible, obviously). But whatever it was, I did cope much better than yesterday.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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1/6/10 7:08 PM
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that's good how was today?
 
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downandout
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1/6/10 8:26 PM
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Thanks for asking.

Today was also pretty good. I just have to NOT go on the scale tomorrow, because then I'll be really depressed - I know I've put on in the past couple of days since I've been eating more according to my meal plan (and purging less...)


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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1/9/10 9:23 PM
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I think I've said this before but... scales are evil.
 
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downandout
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1/9/10 11:06 PM
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I know scales are evil...and I know scales are evil...and again, I know scales are evil, BUT....

I still went on it. And saw how much I weighed. And stopped keeping to my meal plan. And purged more. And right now, really feel like going out and buying some laxatives - even though I haven't used them in two weeks (and threw out my supply last week).

So, yeah - scales are evil. But for some reason, I insist on going on one. Maybe because I think that one day, somehow, I'll see my magic number again - even though I've gained some weight.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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downandout
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1/11/10 9:53 PM
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For the past two days, Ed's been giving me monologues - and I just can't come up with anything to answer.

I can't. It's too hard to fight. This sickness is much stronger than me. Right now, I just feel like sinking deeper and deeper into it. I've completely lost whatever commitment I may have had. It just feels so much better this way. I feel so... in control. Powerful. Like I've achieved something.
I don't want to work on making myself better. I just want to stay right where I am. And lose weight.

So don't ask me why I'm writing this. This is a place for support for getting better - nobody is going to support me in getting worse. But I guess I wrote it for some reason...

Thanks for hearing me out.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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toy123
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1/12/10 8:25 AM
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(((((((((HUGS))))))))))

I totally understand how you feel. It's much easier to give in than work hard and that feeling of control is really strong. I hope things get better quick. Try to stay strong (look who's talking...)


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Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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killedlastyear
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1/12/10 12:44 PM
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My guess is you're writing it cuz you feel the need to tell someone-anyone but you cant exactly go to your husband and family and blab all that to them?

My suggestion- keep up with the nutritionist even if you aren't feeling it today, you might feel it tomorrow. I feel like we're giving each other similar advice :-p (which relates to what "toy" said about "look who's talking" :-p)
 
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downandout
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1/12/10 2:13 PM
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Toy and KLY - thanks for your sympathy and understanding.

Unfortunately, today is so far not much better. But I did set up a phone therapy session for tonight (my therapist is quite far away from me), so maybe that'll help get me back on track, despite my lack of interest in that.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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1/17/10 11:06 AM
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good for you for making efforts like that though! the more efforts you try the less you'll slip and the less you slip now the easier it'll be to climb back up when you do start "feeling it" (recovery)- because I dooooo believe you'll start wanting it again.
 
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