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TOPIC TITLE: i'm home
Created On 5/31/10 5:07 PM
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killedlastyear
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5/31/10 5:07 PM
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i'm back from treatment. back to this place where my parents live where i don't feel comfortable at all.
i finaly got over my fear of my parents seeing my scars and started wearing short sleeves around them. now my mom doesn't want me to go out of the house with short sleeves because other people we know might see the scars.

so i'm stuck wearing sweatshirts in 91 degree weather because i don't want to- no; more like can't wear long sleeve tshirts due to bad body images with the weight i've recently gained.

so i'm in a really difficult situation not leaving my house until i get surgery to remove them or having to suffer with sweatshirts through the summer- which was alot easier when i was cold all the time.

i'm seriously depressed being back here. i need to go to the grocery for food so i can follow my meal plan but i feel like i'm obligated to stay in my room. part of my brain is giving this a reason for me to never go to the grocery, eat as little as i can, blame it all on my mom and then i'll be skinny and cold and wearing sweatshirts in the summer wont be a prob.


Edited: 5/31/10 at 5:07 PM by killedlastyear
 
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channafofanna
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5/31/10 5:21 PM
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what exactly about long sleeves bothers you? can you wear sleeveis under a short sleeve shirt? would that help?
also cocoa butter really helps scars- if you put tonz and tonz and tonz on all the time. (from experience!)
hang in there- good luck!
 
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su7kids
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5/31/10 5:25 PM
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Hugs to you KLY. Also, you could wear button up shirts, with long sleeves, they're not as hot as a sweatshirt.


-------------------------
Proud Mom of 7, MIL to 3, Grandmom of 4!
 
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downandout
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5/31/10 8:10 PM
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Welcome home, KLY!
It must be really hard, coming back and having to face all of that, especially after being away for so long. You really were in treatment for a while.
I feel for you. I'm sure it's difficult - having to face old issues and eating and body image issues at the same time. But you can do it....
Good luck with everything, and here's a bunch of (((((((((((hugs))))))))))))).


-------------------------
I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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6/1/10 9:27 PM
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i feel like i look fatter in long sleeves. i also feel uncomfortable in them, i don't like how they cling to me.
i'm going shopping tomorrow for new clothes and kind of nervous about that.

i'm doing horribly as far as my meal plan goes. i'm eating foods that used to freak me out, but less overall then i was eating before i went to treatment.
i'm scared to lose weight because i know i wont be able to gain it back. but i'm also just too stubborn to eat more. i get nauseated with the thought of eating more.

i've accepted partly that my body is going to have to stay this way, but part of my craves what i used to have.
it's like i went and gained all that weight and now i'm all excited for the "game" of losing it all again. it's sick and i keep having to remind myself that i can't think like that or act on those thoughts. i keep having to remind myself i have to stay the way i am....

it's so hard and i don't meet with anyone on my team until friday.
 
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downandout
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6/2/10 11:52 AM
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I can understand your anxiety about the whole clothing situation. I have a relative's wedding coming up, and I'm supposed to be wearing the same gown as I wore to a wedding earlier this year, and I'm so nervous to try it on - terrified of the way it'll fit me.
Going shopping is also really scary, because I'll have to deal with the fact that I'm just not going to be able to buy the size I used to wear. That is really brave of you to take that step though. I'm impressed.
As for your meal plan... Why don't you look at the positives you're doing? You said you're eating fear foods (or foods taht you didn't use to eat), so that's one step. No one is expecting you to be perfect right when you come home. And the other parts, hopefully with the help of your team you'll get used to as well.
Good luck!


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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6/4/10 4:41 PM
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i've just about given up and labeled myself a lost cause.
 
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downandout
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6/6/10 8:04 AM
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((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))
I'm sorry. It must be really, really rough.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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Debbi
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6/6/10 9:29 AM
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KLY i am so sorry you are suffering like this- i completely understand bc i am going thru something similar.
I do not have an eating disorder, but I have a major problem wearing tee shirts, long sleeves or otherwise, bc i feel too exposed. This all comes from being molested as a child- I cant even look at myslef in the mirror.
I too wear sweatshirts all year round, and in the summer its torture!

My therapist is trying to address this issue with a desensitisation method, where i wear a regular t shirt for 10 minutes, and each time wear it for longer periods of time.
So far its not working, bc i cant even do the minimum. When i wear it, i feel sick and nauseous and have panic attacks. Its horrible and im sick of it, and cant wait for the snow.
 
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Aba
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6/6/10 11:13 PM
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Welcome home I hope things turn around for you soon.
Kol Tuv.


-------------------------
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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killedlastyear
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6/8/10 8:22 PM
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so i've been eating my meals and snacks like a good girl (though it freaks me out so bad doing so).
i've maintained since i've gotten home so far.
my depression has gone up and through the roof though.
i'm tired all the time and have lost the interest to do ANYTHING. like even things i could at least make myself do before when i was "depressed" i'm too tired and don't want to do.

i got some job applications. need to fill them out and bring them back. i'm almost scared to get a job. i know i need something to do to keep me busy but there's so much social phobias attatched to having a job and situations and i'm worried about being to tired to do anything
 
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killedlastyear
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6/15/10 4:46 PM
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Things are a liiiiittle better for me. Still depressed and such, but it's gotten a little better. I can at least go out to Starbucks and I'm not completely tired wanting to go home to sleep the whole time!

I have a job interview tomorrow and although it's a low-paying job at a big chain store I'm still really nervous :-p

I really hope I get the job though because I'm desperate and need some money so I can move out of my parents house.

That's all really. Still maintaining my weight. Still being able to do that at least.
 
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Aba
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6/16/10 4:17 PM
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B"H,
Good Luck,
Kol Tuv,
Aba

(Short but sweet )


-------------------------
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden

Edited: 6/16/10 at 4:18 PM by Aba
 
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channafofanna
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6/18/10 3:53 PM
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thats great!!! good lcuk!!!
 
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downandout
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6/18/10 6:46 PM
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How was your interview? I hope it went well...

I'm really impressed that you're doing well with maintaining your weight, especially given the way you were feeling. It's not "at least" - it's really a big thing. You should be so proud of yourself.

Good luck with everything. I hope you get the job... I know having something to do (and making money at the same time) makes things so much easier - both depression-wise and eating-wise.



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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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6/29/10 12:04 AM
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i really want to fast tomorrow.
Why is it that once you start losing it gets so hard?
I'm down a few lbs and my dietitian wants me to add food to stop it from going down any more. But now that it's already going down a bit I'm just like what's a few pounds more?
I'm just so scared to eat now.
I really want to fast tomorrow. but for all the wrong reasons.
 
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killedlastyear
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6/29/10 8:11 PM
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OK I Just did a really stupid.
I weighed myself on the hotel scale we're staying at.
I know it muuuust be wrong because duh it's a friggin hotel scale but... it says I gained 3 pounds. In a day. And my mom made me eat so much today. Feeling like a pig.
 
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channafofanna
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6/29/10 8:51 PM
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hotels scales are NEVER right. they arent serviced ever. (maybe if its a really posh hotel but its noit likely)
also its the night so you way more. if you wait 30 min for yourself to digest more and go to the bathroom to get rid of water wieght- theres the 3 pounds right there.
g'luck!! I gota go make supper to break my fast on.YAY. I LOVE binges. NOT!!!
 
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downandout
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6/30/10 10:49 AM
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Did you fast? Did you weigh yourself after eating after you had fasted? And on a hotel scale? That's really a set-up for disaster....
Please, try not to go there. Weighing yourself - especially at a time like that and in a place like that is totally not helpful.

But, now you've done it and you need to move on. Try to forget about the number you saw. Channa is right that it could be the time of day, fluid shifts, the fact that the scale wasn't serviced in a long tiime, etc. Wait till you get back to therapy and talk about it (or to your nutritionist).



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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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7/2/10 7:36 PM
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I didn't fast.
i Know hotel scales aren't right. that's what was so stupid of me. it's true they aren't serviced.
I went to my dietitian today though and I have gained a pound. sigh.
 
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