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TOPIC TITLE: Recovery
Created On 8/7/10 11:17 PM
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downandout
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8/7/10 11:17 PM
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Okay, so I think I have been posting under the Rosh Hashana thread for long enough (I guess it's been almost a year). Time to start a new one.

So, officially I am now in the process of recovery from an eating disorder. Do I HAVE an eating disorder? I don't know. I am in recovery from one. It's really confusing though.

Anyways, there are so many ups and downs. I thought things were going pretty smoothly, but then.... since Thursday, I really haven't been doing well. I was away on vacation for a week and a half, and didn't do so perfectly there, but did kind of okay. Anyways, on Thursday I found out that I lost weight (obviously because of that), and that kind of triggered me to really not do well.... I've had a really rough weekend, on a really downward slope. At this point, I feel totally caught up in my eating disorder. I don't want to use any specific terms for fear of triggering anyone, but the behaviors I use are so addictive, that as soon as I use them twice or three times, I'm hooked. So now I feel like I'm back at square one.

So I said there are so many ups and downs. This was a down. Where does the up come in?


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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8/8/10 10:47 PM
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Oh I can so relate to the recovery process. The in-between of having an eating disorder and being recovered from one I guess. The pulls back and forth between the two and treatment teams/family/whoever trying to shove you forward.

the up comes in when you're following your meal plan, stop the behaviors no matter how addictive, and continue to be honest with those who are there to help you.

I dunno. honestly, I meet with my nutritionist tomorrow and am scared that the opposite has happened to me over the past week. I dunno about you, but I'm never satisfied and anything can be a trigger for me. We just have to keep pushing ourselves forward I guess.

 
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toy123
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8/18/10 9:36 AM
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D&O how are things going? Hope things got better.


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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downandout
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8/18/10 12:45 PM
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Not that great. I mean, I've had some good days here and there, but in general, things haven't really been going so well. And to top it all off, my nutritionist had a family emergency, so I haven't seen her in two weeks, and I'm not sure when I'm seeing her next, so that hasn't helped things at all. I'm not sure how to get out of the rut I'm in now.
Thanks for asking.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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downandout
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8/26/10 12:35 PM
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Just wanted to update. I hate leaving off on a negative note.

I ended up seeing my nutritionist last Friday - she had a limited amount of time in the office and said she could see me. We came up with a plan to slowly get me back on track. It took me a few days to really implement it, but the past couple of days have been going pretty well. Not exactly according to plan, but much better than they were in the weeks before. I'm not at the place in recovery I was originally, but I'm working towards that goal, and I think I'm getting there. And now my nutritionist has more space in her schedule for regualr weekly appointments, so i'll be continuing to work with her, so things look a little more promising. It's hard, becuase I'm really pulled in two directions. I want to get better, but at the same time I really don't. It's so hard to give up my obsessions with thinness and losing weight and control over food and all that (and other things), but I guess at this point I've been through too much to go back there.

So things are looking up.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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Bi-related
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8/26/10 1:28 PM
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Great!!! I'm so happy, if there's a will there's a way!! Keep Going!!!!!! ((((((HUGS))))))
 
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downandout
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11/19/10 12:08 AM
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I feel like I've been in this for far too long. "Recovery" seems like completely the wrong word to use for what I'm in right now.
For the past two months or so, I've been struggling a lot, and really not doing very well at all. Every time I think I'm ready to move forward and get my recovery process moving once again, I fall backward, slip up, lose motivation (that was barely there in the first place), and just grab on tight to my eating disorder.
But I know that I WAS once in a better place in recovery! A few months ago, I WAS doing much better, and things were going much more smoothly. Now, though, that seems so far off to me, so remote. I identify so much more with my eating disorder than with normal life. "Normal life" has been the minority of the past few years, while eating disorder (and depression) have taken over the overwhelming majority of that time, so it's so much easier to identify with the eating disorder.
Do relapses ever end? And HOW LONG can this go on for? I can't spend my whole life fighting! I mean, forget about my whole life for now - I can't spend my whole day fighting. Every day is spent struggling - how much of my meal plan will I follow? Can I hold back from purging just this once - or not? My nights are hell itself when it comes to eating disorder symptoms.
I hate the struggling. But at the same time, it's so hard to give it up, because of the twisted thoughts and logic that my mind comes up with to support it.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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toy123
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11/19/10 4:03 PM
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Just wanted to send you some (((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

Sorry your feeling so low. I can identify with your feelings. I sometimes also wonder do the relapses ever end!!!!!! Hope things get better real soon for you. Hang in there!!!


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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hugs
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11/20/10 7:47 PM
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This might be TRIGGERING although I don't mean for it to be!!!
My dr and nutritionist are trying to convince me to eat in a healthy way again. For some reason I can not agree to it. I am struggling like crazy right now. Sometimes I'm eating well and sometimes I'm eating horribly but I'm still gaining weight. The Dr put me on topamax (a really high dosage right now) so I should lose, I should be losing my appetite but I'm not. I'm trying to starve myself again but I'm struggling again with that too. Why can't I just understand and listen to what my therapist and nutritionist are saying? Why cant I "hear" what they're saying? And why am I having a hard time starving myself again???? Please help me please?!?!?!?!
 
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downandout
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11/20/10 7:59 PM
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Thank you so much Toy. I really appreciate it.

And Hugs, I can identify with you. That struggling is really hard, and why it goes on for such a long time... I wish I knew.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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hugs
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11/21/10 7:10 PM
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Someone please help me. I am struggling so much right now!! I feel like curling up in my bed and just crying there until I die. I can't manage like this anymore and I just feel like none of my friends care so what's the point. I have no control whatsoever and it's disgusting!!! I'm obese!
 
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toy123
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11/21/10 8:32 PM
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Sorry your feeling so down i don't really have much to say but I could send you some ((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))). Hope you feel better real soon.


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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killedlastyear
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12/2/10 8:15 PM
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aw, hugs, is there anything we can do to help?
 
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hugs
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12/6/10 10:09 AM
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Doing much much better. I mean my therapists and drs dont agree since I'm not doing the right thing according to them but I feel like I'm right on track according to my plan with my ed I feel much healthier this way and so much stronger, b''H.
I'm gonna stop now saying much else for fear of triggering someone. Thanks for all the support everyone. You're all the best.
Hatzlacha to you all with ur struggles!!
 
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