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TOPIC TITLE: rosh hashana/yom kippur (post 2 i guess since D&O posted one last year)
Created On 9/7/10 10:24 PM
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killedlastyear
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9/7/10 10:24 PM
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Holiday coming up. So triggering for so many reasons. I feel myself falling and am actually trying to embrace it as much as possible, because it makes me feel safer and less stressed and anxious.
I have no idea what will end up happening or what the repercussions will be. I do not have sufficient time to plan out food, and am going out for too many meals for it to really matter much anyway.
I just have no idea what's to be, or how it will all go down. I guess it's just wait and see.
And then yom kippur next week... oh, sigh. I don't think I should even bother asking my rabbi about fasting, though I feel wrong and gross for not fasting since my weight is basically restored (at least according to me).

i guess just venting. had a long tiring day. no nutrition or therapy appointments this week so had/have no one to talk to...
 
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downandout
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9/8/10 3:43 PM
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I wish I had seen this last night. Now I feel like it's so close to the holiday - I don't know if you'll even see this.
I know you've been doing pretty well recently. I feel like it would be such a shame for a three day holiday to mess things up. (Let's concentrate on Rosh Hashana now - I'll post about Yom Kippur afterwards). I know it's really hard, especially when you're out for most of the meals. But again, try to take your recent successes into it, instead of looking at it as a fail before you've even tried.
That's not to take away the fact that three day holidays are hard. One day holidays are hard. And given the fact that you've had no appts recently, that makes it all the harder. So I really, really feel for you. I'm terrified for the holiday, and I've had therapy and nutrition therapy before to prepare myself. So I really wish you all the best. Try your hardest to do well, to use spontaneity to do well during the time you're eating out, and to just make it through the holiday so you can get back onto a routine immediately afterwards.
Have a happy and healthy new year, and may Hashem answer all your prayers. May the coming year bring only good.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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9/8/10 5:25 PM
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aw thanks.
going through my closet has been very upsetting and triggering. Almost everything is either too small or too big and the few things I feel semi-comfortable wearing I've worn already over and over again on shabbos.
I really wish I could get some new things, but don't have the money right now. Clothing shopping is triggering anyway of course. Sigh.
Really worried about the meal tonight especially. Doubt there will be anything there I'll be OK with eating (isn't everything on rosh hashana supposed to be like really sweet? I mean like even challah which freaks me out alone is like soaked with honey!). I hope the family I'm going to isn't insulted when I eat like nothing.
I don't know if they're having other guests over and I don't know them very well so the social anxiety is going to be strong.

I hope everyone else has a good holiday.
 
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downandout
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9/11/10 10:11 PM
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How did your holiday turn out? Did you manage to do alright? I hope so...
I know how triggering the clothing situation can be - I hope you got through that okay.
Let us know how it went.

Mine went okay. I'm feeling a little bit gross about myself - feeling like I ate too much, but I guess that's probably a feeling that most people have after a three day holiday. I'm very nervous about going to the nutritionist this week - what will my weight be like???? The whole thing is nervewracking, but I'm glad I didn't let the holiday set me back. I think I'll just try to get back to normal tomorrow.



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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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channafofanna
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9/11/10 11:08 PM
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when you go out for a meal your not supposed to eat. its weird if you do. as long as you say everything was great, ur fine.... and being shy is normal to...
wouldnt life be so much easier ifall we had to wear was a sweatshirt and junee/biz on shabbos? or every day?
 
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killedlastyear
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9/11/10 11:59 PM
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um.... you aren't not to supposed to eat when you go out? what kind of advice are you trying to give exactly chana?? I'm a bit confused....

thanks for asking d&O, my holiday went ok. I tried to eat and at the meals I wasn't able to I made up for it by eating when I got home. My bf was VERY supportive (we had every meal together) which helped a ton. Over all 3 days I had every meal out except one. I also feel like I've eaten a TON. I haven't been counting calories lately, which really freaks me out. I think I'm going to start doing that again starting tomorrow, for it's the only way I feel "safe".

I hope your appointment with your nutritionist goes well. I have one on Monday, and haven't seen her in over a week so I'm nervous too!!!!

Tomorrow's a fast day as we all know and I have work (at a kosher restaurant where everyone is frum) so it's going to be super awkward.... my hours are such that I can get by without eating until the fast is over but I know I'll get faint if I don't drink. I guess I have to tell people I'm not supposed to fast, but it's going to be really awkward. I was going to ask for the day off but was too shy/scared to cuz of my social anxiety. And it was a mad-rush before rosh hashana so my boss was so busy. Sigh.
 
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downandout
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9/12/10 1:27 PM
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Chana, I think what you were trying to say is that it considered totally normal to not eat when you are at someone else's house. However, it doesn't mean that that is the correct thing to do. When you are eating out, consider that people have prepared extra for you... And it is still a meal you are supposed to eat... So it is worth making the effort to eat the meal. It may be socially "normal", but personally I think it's not really normal.
For people with eating disorders eating out is really, really difficult (especially huge holiday meals). But it's still not normal.

Kly, I'm really impressed that you made up for not eating when you were out by eating when you came home. That's great!

I hope today is going okay. I know fast days can be really awkward when you're not fasting. I'm in the same boat, and probably will be for Yom Kippur too (I still have to finish talking about it with my Rabbi). Even today, my mom was talking about how tired she is, and I was was just like "um, uh huh, yeah, me too..." (She doesn't know too much about my disorder.) So I hope you're getting through it okay, and are emotionally strong enough to NOT fast, even though the pressure is on to fast. Good luck!



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downandout
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9/13/10 8:30 PM
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Okay, just wanted to post now about Yom Kippur, since you did bring it up in your first post.

You said you'll feel wrong and gross for not fasting since your weight is basically restored.
(a) Best thing to do is to ask a Rabbi - even if you know what the answer will be - because that will help take away some the feelings of wrongness and grossness
(b) You know that not fasting has almost nothing to do with weight restoration - it has a lot more to do with your emotional health and attitude toward food.
(c) You'll probably be in great company if you don't fast, since I have this funny feeling that's what my Rabbi will be telling me, too!

Seriously, I'm really nervous about the whole thing, too. I'm going to finish talking to my Rabbi about it tomorrow, and he'll come to a conclusion about what I should do then. But if I don't fast, I think I might feel so guilty about it - I mean, like you said, my weight is fine now... Things are fine... I guess we just both have to keep in mind what this is really all about.

Let us know what you decide to do.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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9/16/10 6:37 PM
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i don't know what communities you guys live in but mine must be different because you kind of are expected to eat when you accept a meal invitation over to someones house.

this past fast day was fine. i was only at work 5 minutes before he sent me home because i really wasn't needed there.

i haven't talked to my rabbi about yom kippur because i'm too scared. i'm not planning on fasting. i don't think god will send me to hell for it. i just can't fast.

my urges to restrict are really high right now. i'm in a low mood. though oddly i'm turning to comfort foods instead. with the plan on restricting tomorrow... i worry this will lead to me getting fat. my mind is racing right now and i'm extremely tired.

i feel like everything is going wrong right now. i know getting skinny won't solve any problems i have, but it will make me feel better.

*trigger warning*
i just miss the way i used to feel in my clothes. i miss the way things felt. i guess i wont go into any more details then that. but yeah.

*(end of trigger stuff).*
there's nothing really stropping me right now from getting thin again. i have no more insurance benefits left to get threatened with any treatment programing at all. my life is sucky now. i don't see it getting any better in the near future. sigh. i guess i just want to self-sabotage before it all falls apart anyway. and at least get something out of it this way.
 
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downandout
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9/16/10 8:41 PM
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(((((((((hugs))))))))))))

I'm sorry you're feeling so low about yourself right now. It really sucks to feel that way.

I don't know what to say about the self-sabotaging ideas and lack of insurance benefits. You know it won't get you anywhere good. It'll help for now, yes, but not in the long run.

Please, try to stay strong and keep up the good work you've done in your recovery. The holidays are a really hard time, but they're not worth messing up your hard work and perseverance until now! Just think: in a few weeks from now, they'll be over, and you can get back on routine...

Good luck with Yom Kippur. I admire your decision.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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9/17/10 4:38 PM
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i've continued to do pretty well with my meals and snacks.

i never asked my rabbi about yom kippur and don't really feel guilty about it except for the fact that i'm worried others might thing it was "wrong" of my not to ask. but really i shouldn't care so much what others think. i know i wouldn't be able to fast anyway. i get scared even eating a meal a few hours late, it sends me into anxiety panic and i can't imagine fasting for over 24 hours. both my nutritionist and therapist have said no way.

i'm gonna try to be good during the holiday otherwise though. go to shul (part of the day at least), daven, read jewish-study related books... stuff in the spirit of it all.

i hope everyone else does ok with whatever they decide/their rabbis decide for you all to do!
 
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downandout
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10/6/10 10:02 PM
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This one's really about Sukkos, but I figured I'd just continue in what seems to be a holiday thread.

I did okay over Sukkos. Pretty well, actually. I managed to eat most of the meals. Used some behavious here and there, but not too many times. It is now though, that I'm having a hard time. I didn't plan on this, and I didn't think at all that I'd have a hard time at this point. I kind of thought everything would be easy by now. But it's not. I feel like I'm kind of compensating for the whole Yom Tov of eating big meals, by restricting a lot. And once I've gotten into this mindset, it's hard to get out of it. It's like "I ate so much over the holiday, nothing will happen if I eat only a little bit now, for the next little while." And every day that little bit gets to be a little bit less.

I hate how every time I think I'm doing so well, something happens and I just trip up.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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