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TOPIC TITLE: recovered but still struggling
Created On 4/27/05 9:36 AM
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ash
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4/27/05 9:36 AM
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im looking for others who have officially recovered from anorexia, are at a normal weight, but don't feel 'normal' and 'functional' and still struggle..in many ways.... anyone??
 
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StrongerEveryDay
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4/27/05 11:05 AM
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yea, i'm with you on that. i don't think i'll ever feel comfortable saying i'm completely recovered but i've been in recovery (been clean of ED) for about a year now.

i'm at a normal weight and i definately don't feel *normal*

what keeps me going is remembering the misery of being completely consumed by the anorexia/bulimia.

good luck with everything.

you can email me, i'd love to talk


-------------------------
Everything that happens is for the best, even if it may never seem that way.

StrongerEveryDay
 
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ernie55B
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4/27/05 11:08 AM
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Thank you for your reply!
In my case, the anorexia began with a deep depression and then took on a life of its own so that I am now diagnosed with anorexia nervosa and even if the depression were to lift I would still have this irrational fear of gaining weight (I am not looking to be a model).
May I ask how long it took you to "officially" recover and how you did so?
Thank you,
Ernie
 
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ash
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4/28/05 12:02 AM
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hey ernie
once it takes a life of its own, i guess the only way of getting well is treating anorexia. i tried to get well at home and i was seeing doctors and ppl, but i wasn't strong enough on my own as i guess i was pretty unwell. i had to be hospitalised as it was pretty severe. after being an inpatient, it was being an outpatient and slowly i needed less and less support. I think u sound like u are aware of what is going on, which is a really good start. u should be seeing a psychiatrist i think, and also a dietician who has experience with eating disorders. They will likely give u an eating plan and ask to see you regularly and monitor your weight. i know u are afraid of putting on weight, but don't be. its all a trick of your mind. you don't need to struggle so hard. It isn't meant to be like that. and you don't want a life where u are obsessed with what u eat and what u weigh. a psychiatrist can help u deal with the thought processes that are stopping you from getting well. u can do it, and totally get over it. i help im some help. let me know.
 
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ash
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4/28/05 12:08 AM
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strongereveryday, this one is for you
im glad u replied. i don't ever want to go back to being so unwell. the torment and life while being in the midst of anorexia is something noone except for ppl who have going though it can understand. i don't even relate to that person that i was. i mean, i wasn't a person. but i don't like thinking about that time. all i know now is that i struggle to cope with normal life. my eating is still not right and balanced, im still putting on weight and i don't know why...and ive been putting on weight for about 2 years straight. i def DO NOT need to be putting any more on, but i can't seem to change anything. i don't cope well with family, work etc etc. i know there are anxiety issues....but im kind of sick of diagnoses....i don't know. i just believe these issues are residual maybe, or im hoping im in a stage of recovery...near the end but not quite. i dunno...im a bit lost these days....
 
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ernie55B
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4/29/05 9:41 AM
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Ash-
I am sorry to hear you are still struggling. Yes, I am seeing a psychiatrist and a nutritionist who specializes in eating disorders. You are so right that only someone who is in the midst of of can understand how awful it can be. I know I need to gain weight or else I will be hospitalized. At the same time, I am scared stiff of my weight spiraling out of control. Yes, I know it is a control issue. There are so many things in my life I cannot control, so my weight is the one thing I feel I can.
Are you still working with any therapists? I don't want to make you nervous, but I read that once you are anorexic there is a lifelong risk of relapse.
I wish you a refuas hanefesh and enjoy the rest of Yom Tov!
 
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ernie55B
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5/5/05 3:15 PM
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Hi Ash!

How was Pesach for you? I hope you are OK.

Ernie
 
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ernie55B
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5/11/05 11:30 AM
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Hi Ash!

I'm in trouble with my anorexia. I lost 2 lbs. over Pesach; my doc. says if I lose 1 more lb. I am going into a hospital. I am working with an ED specialist and a pdoc. But I cannot get this craziness out of my head. I am so scared of gaining weight even though I am fully aware of the consequences of not doing so. It is driving me nuts! I am going to do ECT very soon ; maybe if my underlying dep. is improved, my eating will improve.
How are you doing?

 
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ash
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5/12/05 7:58 PM
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hi ernie
i have just gotten back from being away for a couple weeks. i had to go away, i wasn't coping to well.
u know what i think u need to do, u need to just DO IT. u need to just do what u have to do. the first time u eat whatever u need to eat, u will feel like junk, really really anxious and guilty. the second time u do it though, it won't feel as bad, and each time u do it it gets easier. really! JUST DO IT. if u want to avoid hospital and start to really beat the anorexia on your own, the only way to start it happening is to just eat. the anorexic voice inside your head will fight back at first, but each time u continue to eat (what your dietician has told u to do) YOU, ERNIE, ARE BEATING IT. u just have to sit with the anxiety or watch TV or go to a movie to get your mind off it, but it just gets eaiser and easier. and the anorexia is slowly defeated. hospital can be good, but u have so many other issues to deal with.....
u can do it. and im telling u all this from experience. the more u avoid something, the harder it becomes to do. the other issue is that at a low weight, your thinking is really distorted and it is hard to differentiate all your thoughts, what YOU want, what ANOREXIA wants etc...and they get crazy purely because you are malnourished.
you are allowed to eat and the food will prob go straight to repair the parts it has been using to sustain you wuch as your muscles, and u might not even put on weight initially. but u need to put on weight, so it is okay. you are ALLOWED to eat the same way your wife and kids are.
i give u a blessing that u 'snap out of it'. some ppl do that, and they are very lucky.
 
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ernie55B
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5/13/05 11:05 AM
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Hi Ash!

Thanks for responding. I am really sorry to hear you are not doing that well. You're encouragement helped last night; I took out chocolate pudding and whipped cream and watched baseball. It wasn't sooo bad.. like you said.
I am pretty sure I can do the 2 lbs. by Tuesday... but what happens after that? It is so unbelievable how this THING can control your life. I really do not want to be in a hospital-
so I will keep trying to get over this.
I hope you can overcome your struggle with this as well.

Feel Good!
Ernie
 
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ash
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5/15/05 7:39 PM
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ernie, well done. good on u. is the choc pudding/cream what your dietician wanted u to eat?? sometimes, with anorexia, u get into this mode of earning/deserving food, and u choose food that u have been wanting for ages. the prob is that isn't how life is. u gotta eat normal food throughout the day....ull get there, im sure of it, but it just changes your mind around. u gotta keep eating what u have to eat, and watch TV after or something else and it GETS EASIER!! once your weight is 'normal' and you are eating better, u will have the brain power to deal with depression. also, when u are malnourished and stuck in an eating disorder, the depression is worse physiologically. keep going.
 
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ernie55B
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5/17/05 3:37 PM
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Thank you , ASH!

Truth is, my dietician and doc. would rather I eat more proteins because my muscle enzymes are elevated meaning my muscles are breaking down. But at this point they are happy if I eat anything with calories. I got the 2 lbs. that I needed by eating a pint of ice cream last night and drinking a bunch of 'Ensure's today.
I know the idea is to eat a healthy diet all the time, not just before I get weighed. But this is so much like an addiction- I feel like I can't stop myself.
The dietician said exactly what you said- you can't think clearly when your brain is starved.
Thanks again for your encouragement- I will keep trying.

How are you doing?

Ernie
 
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ash
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5/18/05 3:26 AM
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good on you for making it. i do doubt how productive it was that u ate only icecream and ensures but its better than nothing. i remember having ensures/resources but in between small meals. the small meals slowly built up to normal but it wasn't the food that put on the weight so much. that was to normalise the eating. the ensures helped get to a normal weight without having to eat SO much food. When u are at such a low weight, its actually harder to put on weight i think, bc your body uses it straight away to repair your muscles. but keep it up. hopefully when u are at a less dangerous weight, things will start to click for you with your body and food. keep going.
im ok...apparently my problems are now anxiety rather than eating disorder...but its a long call to say that because i never really got the eating thing happening. and it was going on for so so many years, so it all participates in making it really really hard to function. but im on the way. im just getting more help at the moment as i now i can't do this on my own.
looking after the body hashem gave us is so hard, in all respects...overwieght, underweight etc etc.
 
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ernie55B
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5/20/05 10:26 AM
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Thanks again Ash!

You are so right. It is really hard to take care of your body especially when your mind gets in the way.
I hope you feel better too and have a good Shabbos.

Ernie
 
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ash
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6/22/05 2:30 AM
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hey ernie
how have u been? just touching base......
ive taken some time off to work things out.....
ok.
 
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ernie55B
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6/29/05 9:14 AM
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Hello Ash!

Sorry for taking so long to respond. Thanks for asking about me. I am basically treading water; doing just enough to stay out of a hospital, but not enough to satisfy my doctor.
I still need to get this depression stuff under control so that I will want to care enough about eating properly. Right now I could care less.

How are you holding up? I hope you are OK- are you doing any therapy at the moment?
Please keep in touch; I appreciate it!

Ernie
 
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lilly
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7/18/05 9:13 PM
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I totally understand
people think that if your not a walking
skeleton then you dont have an eating disorder.
even family members think I'm fine and
dont give me any positive attention/affection (anything!)
sometimes I wish I was "down there" so someone
would notice the raging storm beneath the "smooth" ice
all the best
lillac lilly


-------------------------
lilac lilly
 
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ernie55B
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7/29/05 12:32 PM
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Hi Lilly!

Really sorry it took so long to respond. How are you doing? Are you getting any treatment for your ED? You are right. If you look fine people assume you are fine. That is what is so horrible about emotional illness.
The truth about frum people though, is that these problems ARE starting to be addressed. I read many articles in Frum publications about ED and other mental illnesses. As a matter of fact the school my daughters go to had a speaker about the dangers of ED.
I still do not have this under control; I was diagnosed with anorexia 4 years ago, but I am working on it. In my case, the key is to get the depression under control and if and when that happens, I believe I will be able to eat more healthfully.
(By the way, I gave up 'natural foods'. Know why? Because most people die of 'natural causes'!)
Anyway, sorry again, if you want to talk more I am ready to listen and try to offer some support.
Refuah Shelayma and have a good Shabbos!

Ernie
 
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Torsalicious613
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1/3/06 10:25 PM
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hi guys. i am really rather zafig right now, but that is kind of to and not to my credit. i'll explain. being bipolar. among many other things, i have the "fat" and "skinny" side of my brain. wierd, right? anyway, i know secretly that i have the ability to be annorexic and or bullemic (as i have had little brushes with both in the past) but i also have the ability to be healthy, as well as gain weight. we all must remember that we can do either of the three, and it is very easy for me to say "uch, if i can't be skinny, why don't i just be fat?" but that is the bipolar disorder speaking. i can also say "why can't i just be healthy?" this is the best. in some ways the hardest, in some ways, the easiest, but the best, nonetheless. live. eat. balance. be happy.

atara


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what the hecka is a signiature?
 
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ab6
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1/24/06 9:19 AM
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Hi, was just browsing for the first time, for all those who have struggled with this battle or are currently struggling, i can give you the strength by saying i'm a RECOVERED anorexic now for 11 years. At the time i was hopitalized for a lengthy amount of time. today I work, am married with a beautiful daughter and am able to relflect on the past in a complete healthy and seperate way. it is POSSIBLE for anyone!!
 
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ernie55B
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1/24/06 10:15 PM
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Hi Ab6!

Welcome to the site. Mind if I ask you a few things? How old were you when you developed the ED? How long did you struggle with it?
I am a 40+ male who is trying to get past this thing for 5 years now. It is like an addiction. I am told it is a very hard condition to
treat in adults.

I appreciate anything you could add, and hope you continue to do well!

Ernie
 
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Torsalicious613
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1/25/06 9:27 AM
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good for you guys! i'm happy for you! an ed is a difficult thing to conquer, even though i once had a brush with it at 13, i still struggle today from eating too much. this can be just as detrimental and unhealthy. here's to getting better...

atara


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what the hecka is a signiature?
 
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emptysmile
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5/5/06 7:16 PM
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ok..im 15 been struggling from the begining of this year.
I dont even know how it started b/c i never was fat.
ive always had a great figure. and i still do but i loose weight.
I know some ppl say they look great and you might think i am lieing but the honest truth is i have a great body. I really dont understand where the disorder came from!
I dont know i guess im just wierd,
Shabbat Shalom


-------------------------
"life is like a box of chocolates always too many nuts and never enough caramels."
 
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gad
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5/6/06 11:59 PM
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Stress and other factors makes alot of people have a distorted perception of reality. So in that sense, almost everyone is wierd.

An understanding friend to talk to can help alot. Also medical advice can help.

Have a Gut Voch.
 
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emptysmile
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5/9/06 3:32 PM
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thats so...annoying.


-------------------------
"life is like a box of chocolates always too many nuts and never enough caramels."
 
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gad
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5/9/06 11:15 PM
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Sorry.

Hope things work out good for you.
 
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milah2211
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12/12/06 9:20 AM
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good morning all , i am new to this forum, i have been battling "the battle of the bulge" for most of my childhood and adulthood, i am a "out of closet" as one would say , i have been bulimic on and off for around 20 or so years . bh i havent needed to vomit in a while because i have been watching what i eat and dont allow myself to engorge. i am also glad there are such kinds of groups where one can "talk" about their situations without being judged. bh i feel a whole lot better than i have been feeling towards myself in a long time..i take day by day..hatzlacha to all those who are suffering and hope hashem guides you to the right help.
 
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ernie55B
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12/12/06 4:35 PM
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Welcome aboard and much hatzlacha to you as well!

Ernie
 
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rockybrown
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2/5/07 9:40 PM
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wow, just reading through this forum, all you guys are gr8, you all sound like youre really working on youreselves and "moving"in life. i feel like my weight issues have just swallowed me tho... like im in a swamp that ill never get out of in a way.its a kinda scary realisation, any one have any ideas how after 8 yrs of battling my weight i can be inspired to believe that one day i will be normal and wont be afraid around food?


-------------------------
~when the game is over, the king and the pawn go back in the same box~
 
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kivunulo
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2/9/07 1:07 AM
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hashem's salvation is like the blinking of an eye trust in him he can help anyone and everyone in every situation
good luck


Edited: 3/9/07 at 3:09 PM by kivunulo
 
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