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TOPIC TITLE: I want to cry and I feel anxious all the time
Created On 5/13/06 11:40 PM
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OCD Anxiety Sufferer
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Posts: 3
Joined: May 2006

5/13/06 11:40 PM
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:brokenheart; Where do I begin? Does anyone have a problem with being ambivalent? Like wishy-washy or just unable to make up their mind? I ask this because I am going through a really particularly stressful period right now and I am praying (saying 10 Tehillim every day) and imploring HaShem for divine assistance, but I am also trying to be patient but my anxiety just keeps building and my depression and obsessing just gets worse. Like "Why does HaShem hate me so?" keeps running around in my brain.

And here is my problem, I am a 100% Service Connected Disabled Veteran who developed OCD while on active duty back in November of 1978 in the Navy.

And I became suicidal from that day on and the only that saved me and prevented me from doing anything bad was the Torah.

HaShem saved me for a purpose but all I feel now some 30 years later, and with a college degree in Philosophy is cursed, and useless, no one will give me a job, not even WalMart, not that I would work there, I do have ethics.

I want to live a Frum life and a life totally centered on the Torah and HaShem and I can do that, I have all the time in the world. But how do I start?

I am 47 years old now and I am a really good traditional bookbinder, and I can see myself repairing Siddurim and Chumashim for Shuls and Beit Midrashim and Yeshsivatim but I don't know where to start who to talk to or how to get me foot in the door.

See one of my problems is that mental illness and all this failure has robbed me of my self esteem, and that is why I feel so ambivalent and useless and like crying and anxious all the time.

I know HaShem has given me a great gift, but no matter who I try to tell no one wants to listen or trust me becasue of this scarlet letter I've been branded with, called Mental Illness and OCD.

I wish someone would advocate for us, I wish HaShem would just reach down with some true Ahavath Chesed and Refuah and heal and grant succor where it is most needed for once.

I mean I am worse than Job, becasue I kvetch and moan, but I am tired of all the suffering, 30 years isn't that enough? I am a little tired of it, especially if this is all there is to look forward to for the rest of my life.

Thanks for listening, sorry for kvetching.

You can e-mail me directly at "rjmiller at bcpl dot net" if you'd like to reply privately.

Shalom,


-------------------------
Shalom,

Just call me

Raffi
 
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11 Adar
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5/14/06 1:02 PM
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bs"d Dear Raffi, You are not alone. I, too, have been having an unusually difficult time since Pesach and several others have found this to be a challenging time. I'm even having trouble typing but I wanted to let you know we are here. I have had some help from meds and recovery-inc.org and their phrases (from Torah, Talmud, Tanya, Rabbi Nachman). Anxiety is very hard to battle; our yeser hora and our animal souls get us but HShem provides a greater Divine Soul. Yours must be huge ! We wish we had only Revealed Good, but please remember that He is with you and sending you concealed good for growth and cleansing. These thoughts comfort me sometimes, I hope you can think about them. Can't type much more, but I'll come back to visit if you'd like me to. May we have only Revealed Good. Let's try to do chesed for others always; it is a great help to us. Love from Nechama
 
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OCD Anxiety Sufferer
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5/14/06 1:14 PM
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I love what Reb Nachman wrote! His words reach in an touch the heart in places and ways that few have. Try www.breslov.com for more on Reb Nachman and the Agudath movement!


-------------------------
Shalom,

Just call me

Raffi
 
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Torsalicious613
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Posts: 461
Joined: Mar 2005

5/14/06 2:24 PM
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i have ocd too. i'm wondering, is it more prevelent in the detail oriented population? (i'm an artist too like you) ocd anxiety sufferer.

atara


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what the hecka is a signiature?
 
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Torsalicious613
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5/14/06 2:27 PM
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p.s. i have a great respect for veterans, not only because i could never ever do it but because it just takes so much courage to put down everything you love to go and serve your country, whole heartedly, not knowing what will happen. hashem was with you then, ocd, and he is with you now, and he will always be. just look at your talents and what hashem has blessed you with (bookbinding among them..) and go from there. good luck ocd, and all the best 2 u.

keep your head up

atara


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what the hecka is a signiature?
 
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11 Adar
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5/16/06 12:01 AM
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dear Raffi, Thank you for Breslov website. IY"H I'll look into it tomorrow (Lag B'Omer) to celebrate. Please be aware that you have already helped me. I pray that you can feel that good feeling and thank H-Shem. While I'm looking at Breslov IY"H you might be trying recovery-inc.org. it may seem secular at first but it's values and methods are as I described. The founder, Abraham Low, M D went to cheder. Ditto to what Atara wrote about veterans. Modeh Ani all the time. Hang on. Endorse yourself for bearing discomfort (a recovery-inc.org phrase. Soon, Nechama
 
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OCD Anxiety Sufferer
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5/16/06 12:12 AM
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THanks to everyone out there in cyberspace like Adar 11 and everyone for their support this is helping me too! Oh yea, its Lag B'Omer! Another site I'd like to clue readers in on is the one dedicated to the Rashbi, Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai, it is said that Rashbi burial site in Meron has been known to help others, and it is all centered on saying Tehillim!

Check out www.rashbisite.com for more info.


-------------------------
Shalom,

Just call me

Raffi
 
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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
Psychologist

Posts: 914
Joined: Feb 2005

6/21/06 12:59 AM
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Welcome to the board. How do you know you have OCD? Perhaps what happened to you in the Navy caused PTSD? Did you get evaluated at the VA?
a lynn
 
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