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TOPIC TITLE: Empty Life
Created On 1/28/07 3:05 AM
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NeedSupport
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1/28/07 3:05 AM
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Hmmm. I'm not in the mood of creating long megillas, but basically I have a very empty life.

I'm divorced (I'm happy with that fact, and don't want to get married again, not yet anyways), I like living alone, but I'm boored most of the time.. I'm fed up with everything in life, all the things that I used to enjoy, I don't enjoy anymore, I used to like making puzzles, painting, drawing, baking, now I don't enjoy any of these things.
I have 2 full time jobs and even if I come home 11 pm, I'm still bored bec. I'm not tired till 3 am and I don't like to sleep.
sometimes I'm even bored of the computer, no patience to watch a movie, not in the mood of playing games, and not in the mood of reading up on things online, from which I might benefit.

I have multiple problems, a few of them professionaly diagnosed, and a few of them self diagnosed.

ADHD ( Dr.diagnosed)
Depression (Dr. diagnosed)
Social Anxiety (self diagnosed)
Bipolar (self diagnosed) Im confused about this one bec. it has lots of similar symptoms then depression.
OCD (self diagnosed)
Sensory Intergration Disorder (self diagnosed) but becoming more positive by the minute that I suffer from this.
Boooord syndrome (self diagnosed)
Diabetes (dr diagnosed)
Sleep Apnea (Dr diagnosed)
PCOS (Dr diagnosed)

ok, now more about each of them.

for my ADHD I don't take anything, I used to take ritalin when I was younger, but I didn't want to take it so my parents said that if I started behaving and stop having outbursts, then I wont have to take it, for a couple of years I tried to control it, I didn't do anything wild, but I was depressed alot (I read up a long time ago that ADHD can be given out in 2 diff. ways, 1. is wild, throwing things, hitting self and ppl, and 2. is where I see myself more, looking up at the ceiling, more in a quiet way, but short attn span, fidgeting in seat, mind racing.. that I still have.
lately I see that Im getting worse (I never hit others, but I hit myself on occasion, when I get really angry. I don't like to hit the wall bec. I dont feel like I gave out the anger, but when I hit myself I feel like I gave it out.. before I hit myself I think about what IM going to do, it's impulsive but I know that Im going to do it. yet I still do it, bec. I'm looking for a reason to cry.

Depression is a loooong story. I've been depressed for most of my teenage life and adult life (I'm 25) for a bunch of different reasons.
My parents are very chassidish (I still look chassidish) and I was always the outcast of the family, since I was a girl, I liked how the non chasidish (litvish, yeshivish) go dressed, I was not rebellios to a point where I ran away, all I did was dream.. I didn't dare try to run away, I had no resources, wouldnt know where to go, how to go, and I was (still am) afraid of hurting my parents.
Because I was always afraid of my opinions being rejected, I never said much, and because of that I'm still scared to hurt them, this is s/thing that I've been struggling with for years.. I want to be different but I know that I wont be happy bec. my parents wont be happy and Ill be living with guilt all my life, knowing that I hurt them.. it's bec. IM still emotionally attached to them and scared to let go..
I tried explaining myself to my parents but they don't get me.
I wish I can live elsewhere, I really don't feel like I fit in here, it's too sheltered for me here (I live in monroe) I want to drive and go dressed differently, so IM not happy now, but I wont be happy with a change either. bec. the guilt will stand in the way..
I kind of gave up on that dream, bec. I know that as long as my parents are alive (till 120) I wont have the guts to change. I also have 2 full time jobs here and my whole family. so moving is not much of an option.

OCD, I don't have on a very high level, I dont wash my hands countless times, but I do check my lock a bunch of times even if I remember locking it and checking it, Im scared of burgulars and kidnapers and killers.
I cannot repeat a story or a/thing that happened to me, in short. when I tell a story its with every single detail, and ppl prob. get bored of hearing that.

I'm very sensitive, which is good and bad, it's good bec. Im sensitive to others, and I understand others suffering, but Im also very sensitive myself, I always feel like ppl are talking about me behind my back, I get hurt by the drop of a pin, but my problem is that I wont tell a person that he/she hurt me, even if he/she asks, are u sure I didnt hurt you? I can't say yes.. I can't make s/one else feel bad bec. then I feel like Im the most horrible person in the world.
bec. Im so sensitive, I have a very hard time refusing s/one.. and I s/times get into trouble bec. of that.
if I sit on a city bus and s/one asks me if they can use my cellphone, I don't dare say no, and they ask, are u sure it's free, and I'm like: yes, go ahead use it.. even if it's not free.. I just cant say no, if s/one asks me if they can recline their seat, I dont dare say no either, even if it would bother me.. but I wouldn't dare to ask s/one to borrow their phone, and I wouldnt dare to recline my seat, just in case it might bother them.

I was also depressed alot when I was married, bec. I hated e/thing about marriage, I couldn't stand my ex husband, I hate being touched, hate being loved or cared for, hate when others are concerned about me.
I was married for 5 years and 4 months and it was pure misery. it just got worse with time.
first it took me over a year until I started telling s/one that Im not happy ( I dont like to complain, out of fear that ppl will think I'm bad, so I bottle things up until they burst).
then it took a long time for the rabanim to agree to the get, I was being forced to try to like being with him, try to enjoy being together.. but I dont think it's possible to force s/one to like s/thing they dont want to.
I was stubborn, until they finally said that there's nothing to do.. it will happen anyways..
I was not seperated at all, went straight through with divorce, got an appt with the rav, and got over with it..
after the divorce, I didn't know how to be happy, I wasnt happy in so many years that I simply didnt know how to.

unfortunately I have an ammmazing memory, I say unfortunately bec. I only remember the bad things that happened to me throughout the years, the bad/stupid things I did and what others did to me..
I was always different, didnt like spending time with friends (didnt have much back then) but I never let my voice be heard, I'm extremely shy and I still do very poorly when it comes to social situations.
I hate going to weddings, parties, events, I enjoy the first 1/2 hour and then I get booored, and completely shut off, I dont enjoy ppls jokes anymore, I space out and want to run away. the problem with weddings is also that I'd have to touch and kiss ppl.. which I cant do.
I still remember which girl took away the ice cream puzzle every single time I wanted it (that goes as far back as pre 1 A, 20 years ago).
the photogenic memory is good in some ways, I remember phone numbers that I dial once, ppls license plates and adresses and what not.. but I dont have a single good memory of all the years, only the bad stuff.

Now, my latest self diagnoses, is Sensory Intergration Disorder..
I hate absolutely every kind of human touch, I hate being kissed, rubbed, massaged, hugged, or whatever else you can think of.. IM so uncomfortable with it that I freak out even when I see other ppl touching. like if 2 friends meet for the first time, or they havent seen each other for a long time, they hug each other.. I freak out, if I sit in a car and I see the husbands hand on his wifes hand, or her hands on his (not portraying love or a/thing, just happens to hold it on top) I freak out.. bec. Im so uncomforable with it, I don't understand how other ppl can do it and it freaks me out.
if s/one touches me on the shoulder, I jump up, if s/one touches my back, I jump up and cry..
most other things I like touching, I like the feel of rice, shaving cream, but I would not touch lotion w/out gloves, even if I rub a kid (which I try not to do).

there are certain noises which drive me nuts, and lately I see that it's getting worse, like a baby crying, a phone ringing and a car beeping.. especially in the morning, (not bec. Im tired) I hear a car beeping and I'm like: OK I HEARD YA.. SHHH. BE QUIET... it especially drives me nuts when Im trying to put a kid to sleep and a car beeps, even if it's only 9 pm and not very late, and I dont expect the driver to know that IM trying to put a kid to sleep.. I get angry. and s/times hit myself.

ok, the big question is.. why don't I get help?
the big answer is.. Im not sure I want to be helped. you see, Im soo used to being in my depressed world, that this is where I feel safe. Im afraid to live normally, Im afraid Ill be too normal and afraid that noone will notice me and I wont have a reason to be pitied. I like being different and special, and beloing to a select group of ppl who are divorced, ppl who don't have kids, or ppl who have ADHD, or PCOS.

so this is me..
I feel hopeless, I feel unwanted, I want to get helped but I dont want to get helped, I feel like a lost case,

is there any hope for me to become normal??

 
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RNRebbitzin
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1/28/07 12:07 PM
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Dear NeedSupport,

It sounds to me like you are going through a lot of suffering right now. Decisions are difficult, everything at the moment seems dark and bleak to you. There is hope, there is always hope. Being aware of the fact that you are sad and lonely and not enjoying anything right now is indeed signs of depression. But self diagnosing yourself is very dangerous. Why not get the help for the things that you have been diagnosed with? What do you have to loose, you only have to gain.
You are young............these should be the happiest times in your life!! You deserve to feel some happiness. Every yiddisha neshama deserves to feel connected.
You sound like a lovely sensitive person. You are an adult, and you shouldn't feel guilty if you are not comfortable living in the Chassidisha Velt. You have to do what makes YOU happy. Your parents are already living their lives. If they love you and see how miserable you are ,they should be more supportive of YOUR choices. Being Litvish, or Yeshivish doesnt chas'v shalom mean you are not frum and have gone of the derech. Its just different chumras and minhagim. We all follow the same Torah and the same Shulach Arech.
Please get professional help.............There are many wonderful Frum therapists that work within the Monroe system..........or you say you travel. In Monsey their many wonderful therapists as well. The deal with issues like yours all the time, and they are very understanding and supportive.
Give it a try, it couldn't hurt?? I wish you much Hatzlacha in your quest for happiness. It's a difficult journey ,but one worth taking.


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RNRebbitzin
 
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NeedSupport
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1/28/07 2:19 PM
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RNRebetzin, thanx for taking the time to read my "short megillah" (this was the short version)
Hmm. this is not a feeling just now, it's been going on for a long time and it's just getting worse. just took me a while to write it.
regarding a therapist, I see a social worker once a week, havent seen her in about 3-4 weeks, one time I was out one time she was out, etc. but I notice that I don't miss her that much. I like going to her but I dont like it. I like talking but she wants me to sit with my feelings and try to explore myself (which I hate and is very hard for me to do).
I like her also bec. I dont pay money (she works in the special ed school where I work, and I used to see a therapist from there years ago, so I dont have to pay) I wouldnt have the money or time to travel to monsey.
my pcp tells me to see a psychiatrist, but it'll prob. take forever till I decide to do that, I saw one a couple of years back and all he did was test my memory and confirmed that I have multiple disorders (gee thanx.. as if I didnt know that) oh and of course he charged me 300 bucks.. total waste of time and money.

and regarding being different, it's very hard to do that in the community I live and especially with my parents.
in monroe e/one is strictly chassidish, Satmar. and in satmar, every move that you do different is a very big deal, and very looked down upon, it's as if I'm becoming not frum, or goyish for that matter. it's really a big deal, and as I said before, I tried explaiing to them (also s/thing which took me a few years to muster up the courage to go speak to them) but they don't get me.

so that's the sitch IM in.
 
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RNRebbitzin
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1/28/07 3:59 PM
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NS

I'm very glad to here that you do have a therapist. Perhaps you can see her twice a week for a short while, until you feel stronger. As far a a Psychiatrist, there must be one that comes up to the clinic once in a while. It's worth looking into.
I'm sure that getting in touch with your feelings is extremely difficult, that means it's working. Being in your therapists office is a safe place for you to explore these intense feelings.
I also do realize the stigma of being a bit different in Satmar, but they view divorce and therapy in the same way. What is important here is YOUR wellbeing. You are the one that is go through everyday looking into the fog. Do one deserves to have an empty life. Maybe when ever you make enough money you could move to a more open-minded community.
Wishing you hazlacha rabba!! Stay strong..............and know that there are people here that care about you!! We will try to support you emotionally.
Kol Tuv,


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RNRebbitzin
 
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Panda613
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1/28/07 5:56 PM
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Ns
Maybe you should post on the Ask the Psychiatrist site.....
Good luck to you


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Panda613
 
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NeedSupport
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1/29/07 3:29 PM
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RNRebbitzin, she has a very full schedule, and can't see me more then once a week. the part that I dont like is when she makes me sit with my feelings and think why I feel a certain feeling, or what the feeling is, and I hate that bec. I get very anxious and nervous when were just 2 ppl in a room and noones is talking, so she wants me to think why that is, I tried last time but couldnt come up with a/thing, I also tried thinking at home about it bec. I thought that mabye it's just bec. Im nervous in her office to do it, but I still couldnt come up with an answer, so the next time I went to her I told her that if I couldnt come up with an answer all week, I wont come up with an answer in her room in that 3/4 hour we have together... I hate that part.. I can't stand the quiet, she wants to know why I can't stand it.. it's tough.
I don't think I have the option of moving to a different community, whatever I do I wont be happy bec. I'll be living with guilt knowing that I hurt my parents. and I like my 2 jobs here.

I guess I'm just a lost case.


Edited: 1/29/07 at 3:29 PM by NeedSupport
 
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su7kids
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1/29/07 5:27 PM
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I don't think anyone is a lost cause.

I'm wondering if you could talk to her about dealing with it and that maybe while you're dealing with it, it may become clearer to you as to why you feel that way.

Its probably very tough that you've already told her that you don't like those quiet times, and she isn't doing anything to change it.

Is it the quiet? Or just the fact that no-one's talking? Maybe you could ask her to play a CD of your choice, quietly or something like that?

Hang in there, it will happen.


-------------------------
Proud Mom of 7, MIL to 3, Grandmom of 4!
 
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killedlastyear
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1/29/07 11:13 PM
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Quote

Originally posted by: NeedSupport
Hmmm. I'm not in the mood of creating long megillas, but basically I have a very empty life.

I'm divorced (I'm happy with that fact, and don't want to get married again, not yet anyways), I like living alone, but I'm boored most of the time.. I'm fed up with everything in life, all the things that I used to enjoy, I don't enjoy anymore, I used to like making puzzles, painting, drawing, baking, now I don't enjoy any of these things.
I have 2 full time jobs and even if I come home 11 pm, I'm still bored bec. I'm not tired till 3 am and I don't like to sleep.
sometimes I'm even bored of the computer, no patience to watch a movie, not in the mood of playing games, and not in the mood of reading up on things online, from which I might benefit.

wow all of that sounds so much like me. except for the 2 full time jobs.

"ok, the big question is.. why don't I get help?
the big answer is.. Im not sure I want to be helped. you see, Im soo used to being in my depressed world, that this is where I feel safe. Im afraid to live normally,"

i can also really relate to that.

sounds like you're going through alot.
why'd you stop taking your ADHD medication?
 
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NeedSupport
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1/30/07 12:02 AM
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I had stopped taking it as a girl bec. I didnt want to take it, but a few years ago I had started again but it didnt seem to do much, now however I think that it's getting worse. but now Ill have to go to a psychiatrist, just to get the prescription. maybe my pcp can give me a prescription.
 
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killedlastyear
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1/30/07 11:05 PM
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when i was first prescribed mine in like 8th grade i refused to take it. my mom would buy it for me and i'd throw it out without her knowing. i thought it'd make me not me. like i wouldnt be myself. but then in 11th grade i started taking it again and then stopped for a bit but now im taking it again and it seriously helps me so much. like it helps my mood alot also. like when im taking it i feel like all energized and i wanna go and do stuff and get stuff done. i dunno. maybe give it another try? and if you feel liek its not doing anything then maybe you need a different type or a higher dosage. talk to a doc about it. but its seriously worth looking into. at least i think.
 
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frumsw
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2/1/07 10:43 PM
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Therapy is hard work. Give yourself credit for sticking with it. The "touching thing" may or may not be sensory disintegration. It's something you can discuss with your SW and with an OT. You have a lot of insight to realize that a part of you wants to be "special" by having these diagnoses and that's preventing you from seeking help. Perhaps the time has come for you to find another way to be "special" through one of your talents. You seem to have a lot of interests but the depression is making you uninterested in them. Nobody is a lost case. You just need some support to keep you motivated. Hatzlacha. P.S. Just by having a computer esp. with internet you already different than your community so you see there are ways you can do your "own thing" even while living there.


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frumsw
 
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kivunulo
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2/9/07 2:24 AM
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ns i fully understand your situation here is my suggestion "nem arois a tehillim in zug a pur kappitlech mit heise treren di bashefer zol dir helfen" (you think i'm crazy well what have you got to lose give it a try, it works wonders with me to get me out of deppresion).
hatzlacha, and paste a smile on your face because everything will be fine hashem will help.
i will pray for you too



Edited: 3/9/07 at 3:09 PM by kivunulo
 
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