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TOPIC TITLE: Deciding to have another baby
Created On 1/13/08 7:33 PM
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HopefulMommy
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1/13/08 7:33 PM
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My youngest is 2.5, and I want to have another baby. Of course, I'm scared. I am doing much better as far as depression. I've made some progress on anxiety and panic disorder, although it's still there. I've gained weight. I am feeling better physically, although not always great. I get stomache symptoms a lot and often feel tired. But I am not getting any younger, and don't know if I'll be feeling any better in the near future.

Has anyone been there? How did you make this decision? Should I just close my eyes and jump in?
 
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frumsw
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If you often feel tired now, how will you feel while pregnant and parenting a 2.5 yr old and then with a newborn and a 3.5 yr old? How about your stomach symptoms now combined with "normal" pregnancy stomach symptoms. My friends had healthy babies in their middle 40s. I'm a little biased-I'm a school guidance counselor and work with the children born to mothers who in some cases have too many of their own problems to raise healthy children. The ones who have depression, have depressed children. The ones who are anxious, have anxious children. The school staff look at some dysfunctional families and wonder, did they have to have so many children? Better fewer healthier children then many troubled ones I say.


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gad
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Originally posted by: HopefulMommy
I want to have another baby. Should I just close my eyes and jump in?


Have you asked your therapist? Perhaps consulting with your therapist will enable you to jump in with open eyes.

I have heard that, in general, a new baby brings blessing to the whole family.

Hope to hear good news.







 
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HopefulMommy
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Originally posted by: frumsw
If you often feel tired now, how will you feel while pregnant and parenting a 2.5 yr old and then with a newborn and a 3.5 yr old? How about your stomach symptoms now combined with "normal" pregnancy stomach symptoms.


Well, I have done this before. Even though I get tired now, I am not nearly as exhausted as I was last year, and two years ago was even worse than last year. Yet somehow we survived last year, and the year before. I had stomache symptoms with both 2nd and 3rd pregnancies. I didn't gain much weight, but the babies were healthy, B"H. My second pregnancy I was so exhausted I could barely get off the couch, and I had an active toddler too, and somehow I managed. Don't know how. But no regrets.

My children are the best thing about my life. They keep me smiling every day. I feel that through raising them I can somehow fix all the wrongs from my own childhood, and maybe bring some light to the rest of the world too. Right now, I really miss having a baby. I feel like crying when I see other people's babies or my own kids' baby pictures. It might not be easy to go through another pregnancy and postpartum again, but it's only a matter of a number of months. And a child is forever, G-d willing. My older children are also asking for a baby. And I know my husband would love to have one, although he doesn't want to push me.

My children are, B"H, reasonably well adjusted. Much more so than I was at that age. My most anxious child is my oldest, and back then I actually had much less anxiety issues. I think it's just hereditary. I am hoping that by creating a loving, peaceful, stable home we'll be able to prevent, or at least minimize, the influence of their heredity on their emotional health. Sure, I have times when I am not as excited about life as I would like. But then there are other times too. I can never be a perfect mother, but no one can.

The other side of the issue is that I am tired of indecision, of having to call my Rav every 6 months begging for another heter, of being a second class citizen, of people looking at my stomache and wondering, to themselves or even out loud, why I am not pregnant yet. I know that's not a good reason to have a baby, but I am sure that it motivates me too.
 
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HopefulMommy
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Originally posted by: gad
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Originally posted by: HopefulMommy
I want to have another baby. Should I just close my eyes and jump in?


Have you asked your therapist? Perhaps consulting with your therapist will enable you to jump in with open eyes.

I have heard that, in general, a new baby brings blessing to the whole family.

Hope to hear good news.


Thank you. My therapist is supportive. She doesn't think it's too dangerous. I am the one who is nervous.

There is not enough information out there to have open eyes. My therapist says that it is very possible that I would not have a recurrence of post-partum depression. Then again, it is also possible that I would.

 
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su7kids
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HopefulMommy, do you have help around the house? A babysitter who can be there if you're not feeling good, or a housekeeper who can pick up the slack during the day?

If your therapist thinks you can, that's major endorsement. Just make sure you have plans for when you don't feel great.

Is your husband a supportive husband and father?

All of that helps.


-------------------------
Proud Mom of 7, MIL to 3, Grandmom of 4!
 
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HopefulMommy
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I have some help. My husband is supportive, but busy. He tries to help as much as he can.
 
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HopefulMommy
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It's possible that my desire to have a baby is largely motivated by my desire to not be "dysfunctional." I think that as long as I am using birth control, I will continue to think of myself as dysfunctional. Having in a baby is a way to prove to myself that I can do anything I want. I don't want my emotional problems to control my life. I want to be in control. How do I sort this out?

My rabbi doesn't think I am dysfunctional enough to justify an unlimited heter. Every time I call him about it, he wants to know when I am going to be ready and what exactly is going to change in the next few months. I have no idea if anything is going to change, or if there is anything I am waiting for.
 
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su7kids
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HopefulMommy, as important as it is to pru u'ruvu, my feeling is very strong that you have to be a good quality mother to your children. My husband asked for a heter after 5 kids and I honestly felt as if my purpose for being was gone. I have to say, I totally forgot about the 5 wonderful neshoma'lach that I already had and could have been a really good quality mom to.

So, until things sort out, remember that you have tremendous value as a mother to your already existing chldren.


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gad
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Originally posted by: HopefulMommy
How do I sort this out?


You want to.
Your therapist says it's Ok.
So why not?

You may want to pursue su7's suggestion of getting more help.
 
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HopefulMommy
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Originally posted by: gad
You want to.
Your therapist says it's Ok.
So why not?



You're right. A mitzvah doesn't have to be done lishma, right?

I've also thought about quality vs. quantity. My rabbi doesn't seem to be concerned with my parenting. He is only concerned with whether I could handle another pregnancy, physically and emotionally. Is quality even a consideration in halacha?

 
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gad
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There are different quality levels in a mitzva. But even at the simplest level, a mitzva is still a mitzva. And in some ways, because of its simplicity and strong faith, it can accomplish even more, and reach even higher.

I don't know if quality is a consideration in this halacha. But it says that in general, once a Jew decides to do a Mitzva, Hashem helps us. So we can begin to do the Mitzva the best way we know how, and we can be optimistic that G-d will help us do it even better than we could have imagined.

Hope to hear good news.
 
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frumsw
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Reb. Twerski said in a speech many years ago that even if you think you will have a hard time with raising your kids, marrying them off etc. you should ask for a heter. Maybe find another Rav who takes the whole picture into account. The real fun starts when they are born and doesn't end at least until they are out of the house.
I live in a community where everybody, and I mean everybody, has at least 7,8 kids. The ones with 1-4 kids are either ones who are with fertility problems or are so dysfunctional that the entire town knows about them. The big families have 12 and up. When I had my 4th when my youngest was 4, people were sure it was a fertility issue-they certainly celebrated like it was. Guess what, my 4th came along with all the postpartum issues I had with my others plus medical/learning issues. He's now 9, thank g-d I'm hitting my 40s, some of my friends are not having babies every 18 months, some still are but now we are busy with bar mitzvahs and weddings. It hurt and still hurts but my life is my life and I can't pretend I'm somebody else and I can't do this again.
My friend had a postpartum depression with her last child worse than with others, needed meds, got all kinds of help lined up for the next one, baby is now 3 months old, she's back on meds. The community pressure is strong but it's your life. It's so funny because in my mother's days, the families were smaller, and she sees what's going on and says, "What is this, are women like cows?" and we look at it like wow, she has one more than me, I gotta have another baby, and oh no, what are people thinking? I think this generation went a little nuts.


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gad
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She wants very much to have another child. Her therapist allows it. It sounds like a very straightforward matter.

And although Dr. Twersky's point is, in general, something to think about; but in particular, each person needs to consult with their own doctor or therapist and Rav.

As for jealousy, sometimes people just want to have a child for the mitzva, and the joy etc. Not necessarily for the jealousy.

And even jealousy can sometimes be a positive thing, as when someone is jealous of someone else's learning, or good deeds, and strives to do the same. I understand that this was not the jealousy you meant, you had in mind jealousy of another person's physical possessions. But I'm just pointing out that, with regard to having a child, sometimes the good type of jealousy can be involved.

This is also seen in the story of Rochel and Leah, where Rochel wanted children, and was jealous of her sister's mitzvos.
 
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HopefulMommy
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I do very much want to have another child. If I could find one in the cabbage, I would go get one.

But what scares me is having to go through another pregnancy and postpartum, and only Hashem knows what that would be like. That's what I am not sure I'm ready for. And like frumsw said, I do feel pressure from my rabbi and my community to have another child. But how can I be sure that I'm really ready? I don't want to become pregnant and then later regret it, G-d forbid.
 
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su7kids
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HopefulMommy, don't you think your family will help you keep a closer tab on yourself with the knowledge gained from your previous experiences?

Can you trust your OB, your husband and your therapist to help if you can't help yourself?

I'm sure they'll be more vigilent this time.


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mouse
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I too am ambivalent about having another child for similar reasons. However, at the same time I would not want to regret not having another child either. (My situation though is also a little dfferent, as I need medical and Divine intervention before having another child or two. I already have twins from fertility drugs and am unwilling to risk that or triplets again -- same risk.) I am pushing my husband to consider adoption in a few years since I have discovered I really don't like babies but two year olds are ok. (I am aware that the older the child is, the more likely an adjustment issue or other issues may occur.) I guess whatever decision you make in the end, don't regret it. As once said by Dr. Phil, "Either make the right decision, or make it right." (I know he isn't the best source of info. but this one got me through some tough spots.) I'm not sure if that helps, but I hope it does.


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HopefulMommy
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Thanks munkster. It helps to know that there are other people dealing with the same issue. I like your quote about making it right.
 
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HopefulMommy
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Originally posted by: su7kids
HopefulMommy, don't you think your family will help you keep a closer tab on yourself with the knowledge gained from your previous experiences?

Can you trust your OB, your husband and your therapist to help if you can't help yourself?

I'm sure they'll be more vigilent this time.



How can they help me? They can't prevent post-partum depression. And no matter how supportive they are, in the end I would be the one miserable and ... I don't think I want to finish that sentence. Doesn't matter.

People who've never experienced depression just don't know what it feels like. My husband doesn't really understand what I am going through, even though he loves me and wants to help. Whenever I try to talk about it, he gets uncomfortable and doesn't know what to say. I feel like I have to be the one supporting him -- he has such a big problem that his wife is depressed.


Edited: 1/18/08 at 12:29 AM by HopefulMommy
 
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HopefulMommy
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Another fear that I have - maybe frumsw can help me with that -- is that I would get so dysfunctional that the Child Protection Services would take my children away. Tell me it can't really happen.
 
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su7kids
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Hopeful, I can't promise you anything, but do you really think your therapist, your husband and your Rav would let that happen? You can speak to them directly about this fear and ask them to promise to get you help if it comes to that, even if it is against your will at the time, which, if G-d forbid, things every got bad, you may not want to cooperate.

What I'm saying is, lets take each one of your fears and deal with them before they happen and then you will have all these safety nets in place, so you can be free to be the best You you can be, and the best mom to your children, present and future.


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mouse
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Hopeful, you sound like me. My hubby has a difficult time with accepting my depression too. I overdosed and we haven't really discussed it, I was in a day hospital from October till about a week ago and we didn't discuss it (except at the insurance company-mandated meeting.) Even at the meeting we didn't really discuss it. It's like living in denial that there is a problem right in front of our faces. The only good thing for me though is that by not discussing it, it's like it doesn't exist.

As for being afraid of becoming so dyfunctional CPS is involved (or DYFS, here in NJ) , it takes talent to get that dysfunctional. Generally if hubby is functional they leave you alone, so long as the kids are being cared for. I would hope hubby would step in if necessary at all costs if you were doing that poorly. I was afraid DYFS would be called at one point because I attempted suicide while the kids were sleeping but my husband wasn't home. (He was going to be home within half an hour.) That was not reported. If that doesn't get reported, what does? I"d hate to find out. I admit though, I was given a warning not to do it again though by the day hospital and I was hospitalized for a few days. (I was so out of it, it didn't occur to me the kids could wake up before hubby came home, or hubby could have been delayed, etc...)

As a teacher, I can tell you of kids with flea bites, no lunches, and filthy living conditions (far worse than my house) who have been reported to DYFS, and DYFS decided it wasn't so bad as to remove or take charge of the children. Of course, I probably should not use DYFS as a role model agency due to it's current reputation; however, it seems CPS is not doing a whole lot better.

I hope that the above either makes you feel more secure or at least makes you realize you aren't the only one out there with these concerns.


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mouse
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I'm not sure if you mentioned this above (I scrolled up and couldn't find it anywhere), but if your youngest is 2.5, how many kids do you have? Have you fulfilled the mitzvah? Also, if you are over 40 or even 35, the chances of having a disabled child rises dramatically. I'm between those two ages and am thinking seriously about the increased risk of a baby born with a major disability. I figure if I'm depressed now, what will I be like later? Currently once of my twins has minor "issues," and that is stessing me out -- a relatively minor problem. What would it be like for me to have a disabled child with major issues such as Down's syndrome?

I only have my twins, partly due to fertility problems and partly due to depression (and partly because my hubby was traumatized by newborn twins). Many of my friends have a ton of kids (more than four in my definition of a ton). Having more kids should be a personal decision, not one done by peer pressure. And I must admit to you, right about now I"m glad I have fertility problems. No need for birth control heter from a Rabbi. But, I'm still a wee bit jealous of people like you who can opt to have kids at any time. The fact is, it ultimately is a choice for you (as opposed to me.)


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gad
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Actually, instead of scaring someone into not having a child, that statistic (of possible problems when one is older) may encourage people to have a child right away, because the sooner the better.

(Unfortunately, although the statistics may be higher in older people, many younger couples are, these days, encountering these problems. It seems that the best approach is to do what you feel you are able to, and then to trust that Hashem will make it successful.)


A possible solution is the retreat for mother and child after birth. I am posting the following info that I was able to find. I don't know too much about it, so whoever is interested can call them for more info.

Aim B'Yisroel 728 N. Main St. Spring Valley NY 10977 845 354 8600

Ame Vyeled 93 Malappan Ave. Freehold NJ 07728 732-252-1200


 
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mouse
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Perhaps my experiences are different, but a postpartum retreat wouldn't have solved the severity of the depression that I had. It's a nice thought, but no. I had all the help in the world and I still had a tough time with the postpartum depression, perhaps because I already had depression while pregnant so it was twice as bad after. Perhaps not. Too hard to tell.

Either way, the statistics are there. If one is in a high-risk category for age and has fulfilled the mitzvah, the obligation to have more children should be weighed more seriously. I'm not trying to "scare" someone out of having kids. I'm a special ed teacher and have seen many kids born to parents late in life. It isn't pretty. If younger than 35, I really feel that that shouldn't be an issue; however, if above 35-40, it's a thought. Yes, I know of many people who are younger that have kids with disabilities, but the numbers increase dramatically with age.

I must admit that the whole idea of having as many kids as you can cram into your home, plus some, is a healthy one. You need to know if you can handle another child. If you aren't sure, you probably need more time to think it over. Another child isn't like another cat or dog -- it's a living thing you are responsible to raise as a functioning member of society. If you are unable to function, how can you expect the child to?

Sorry, Gad, you seem to be pro-baby at all costs and I just can't agree. It seems to me that the wife is the one who has to deal mostly with the pregnancy and after, not the husband (at least not in this case); thus, the wife needs to know when she is ready on her own timeline -- not the Rabbi's, the therapist's, or the husband's.


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gad
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People generally rely on the opinion of their own doctors and experts who are close to the situation.
 
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gad
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Originally posted by: munkster
I'm not trying to "scare" someone out of having kids.


Sorry for the inference. I didn't mean that you were trying to scare someone. I was referring to the statistic, that it could possibly scare someone.

I know that you care, and I hope that we hear good news from you and from Hopeful Mommy.



Edited: 1/20/08 at 12:10 PM by gad
 
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HopefulMommy
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I am under 35, so that's not my issue. I have, KA"H, 3 children of the same gender, so we haven't fulfilled the mitzvah. My Rav told me that once we have both it would be possible to get an unlimited heter.

I can handle another child (or children) if I am not depressed and not too anxious. When I am depressed, I can barely handle cooking dinner, if you know what I mean. I know that depression is temporary, that it's due to hormonal changes. But I am still scared.

I need to get to the point where I feel that having another child is a responsible decision and where I would not regret it no matter what happens. I don't think I am there yet.
 
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HopefulMommy
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Originally posted by: munkster
Hopeful, you sound like me. My hubby has a difficult time with accepting my depression too. I overdosed and we haven't really discussed it, I was in a day hospital from October till about a week ago and we didn't discuss it (except at the insurance company-mandated meeting.) Even at the meeting we didn't really discuss it. It's like living in denial that there is a problem right in front of our faces. The only good thing for me though is that by not discussing it, it's like it doesn't exist.


I know what you mean. I also try to pretend that the problem doesn't exist.

I did have a long conversation with my husband about this a few days ago. I told him that I need more support from him. He said he would try.

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As for being afraid of becoming so dyfunctional CPS is involved (or DYFS, here in NJ) , it takes talent to get that dysfunctional.
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Thank you. This is very helpful.
 
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HopefulMommy
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Originally posted by: munkster I only have my twins, partly due to fertility problems and partly due to depression (and partly because my hubby was traumatized by newborn twins). Many of my friends have a ton of kids (more than four in my definition of a ton). Having more kids should be a personal decision, not one done by peer pressure. And I must admit to you, right about now I"m glad I have fertility problems. No need for birth control heter from a Rabbi. But, I'm still a wee bit jealous of people like you who can opt to have kids at any time. The fact is, it ultimately is a choice for you (as opposed to me.)


I'm sorry. It must be very hard.

Did you have depression before you had your twins, or did it start then?

 
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frumsw
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About DYFS, in the frum community there are organizations and askanim who can help take care of problems so DYFS doesn't get involved. For example, help for postpartum mothers-A.I.M. in Brooklyn, Aim HaBonim in Lakewood. I agree that if the husband is functional and handling everything, it's highly unlikely an agency would be called in especially if he seeks help when needed. I find then it's hard to get the help but then it's unlikely anybody would intervene!
I also found that the respite for new mothers was very nice but has nothing to do with depression that kicks in at 6 weeks or 6 months postpartum.
I see there are mothers with large families who are very busy and can get stressed but they are happy with their lives. I then see mothers with large families who are on a whole unhappy and totally stressed. I hate to say it, but it's not a mitzvah to be unhappy until your kids are out of the house and then try to figure out how to take care of yourself. I need to work some and to play some and still take care of the house and children. This was not possible when my children were young. If I was still managing to have young children in the house that means that I would be miserable for over 20 years!
I am making peace with the fact that this is how Hashem made me and it looks like my job on this earth is not to have more than 4 children but to raise the difficult ones I already have and make my marriage the best it could be.


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mouse
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I had depression (and for that matter a few other diagnoses) before having my twins. I knew it would get worse after they were born due to postpartum depression, but no one warned me how difficult pregnancy can be with depression. However, I was not going to skip out entirely from parenthood because of that and I do not usually regret my decisions. I had a difficulty pregnancy both physically and mentally and had many complications. At the end of the first trimester when brain development slows down, I went to a prenatal or perinatal? psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital to get an opinion whether the meds I was taking were ok during pregnancy. I could not take the usual antidepressants so it was hard to come up with a safe cocktail for babies and me. In the end though, we found the right combo. and babies were delivered very healthy (albeit one month early) and did not even need to go to the NICU! I guess it all worked out in the end for me. God was watching out for me and the babies.


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HopefulMommy
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Originally posted by: frumsw I see there are mothers with large families who are very busy and can get stressed but they are happy with their lives. I then see mothers with large families who are on a whole unhappy and totally stressed. I hate to say it, but it's not a mitzvah to be unhappy until your kids are out of the house and then try to figure out how to take care of yourself. I need to work some and to play some and still take care of the house and children. This was not possible when my children were young. If I was still managing to have young children in the house that means that I would be miserable for over 20 years!
I am making peace with the fact that this is how Hashem made me and it looks like my job on this earth is not to have more than 4 children but to raise the difficult ones I already have and make my marriage the best it could be.


Makes sense. Everyone is different, and every person has a different job in this world.

I happen to like babies and toddlers. My issues are not with my children, but mostly with myself - guilt, lack of self-esteem, etc. It's the hormonal changes that trigger my emotional problems. Taking care of babies doesn't have much to do with it.

I always wonder -- if I didn't have my emotional problems, would I be happy having one baby after another? I really don't know. "Happy" is a concept that often eludes me.

 
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mouse
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1/30/08 4:42 AM
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My sister has 8 kids and loves every single one and glad she had every single one. I think I'd shoot myself if I had 8. I guess it all does depend on who you are and how kids make you happy. I love kids, but I hate the noise (and I'm a teacher.) I actually throw students out of class if they make too much noise cuz I can't tolerate constant noise level (loud or quiet noise). I just wish I could go through fertility drugs again with a promise of only one more (not two or three.) Maybe it will happen naturally. Miracles do happen.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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frumsw
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1/30/08 3:05 PM
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I just came back from a shaitel macher, age 37, no overt emotional problems and extremely distraught to find herself pregnant again with child #7 or 8 not due to any particular reason. Nursing just didn't work for her this time. Couldn't say I had tons of pity. I'd love to have 7 or 8 kids and still function, especially through the pregnancy. So 1 has nothing to do with the other. I find people who are not doing too well with their marriage in particular love to have babies because they it makes them feel competent and loved. Look at your typical unwed teenager for example.


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HopefulMommy
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2/15/08 11:28 AM
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I thought I was ready to start trying for a baby, but I felt like I needed some more encouragement. So I had this idea to ask Rabbi Dovid Cohen, the Rav of Ohel and Nefesh, who is the posek for mental health issues, at least in this country. (He has phone hours when he is available to answer shailos.) I heard him speak once and was very impressed by him. I thought that if such a person would tell me to go for it, I would feel much more comfortable with the decision.

So I called him last night, told him the situation, and he said to push it off! He didn't think I was ready. I asked him how would I know when I am ready. He said he couldn't tell me, he doesn't have ruach hakodesh, but I should wait until I feel that I am completely ready to go through it again. I guess he felt that if I still had doubts, it was too early.

I was so disappointed! Now I am even more confused than before. I just want to cry. Will I ever be ready? How will I know if I'm ready?
 
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su7kids
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2/15/08 12:13 PM
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Hopeful, I'm not so sure a Rav who doesn't nkow you that well personally is the right person to make the decision for you. I thikn y ou should take his opinion, your feelings, your husband's feelings, your Therapists feelings, or OB/GYN's, and maybe a good friend who saw what you went through before, and weigh all their opinions and thoughts and then make your own decision.

I think if you set up support and precautions JUST IN CASE, it could be a whole lot better than it has in the past. Don't let one phone call make the decision.


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Proud Mom of 7, MIL to 3, Grandmom of 4!
 
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gad
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2/17/08 12:46 AM
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You can get the opinion of two doctors who are experts in this (post partem depression).

And may the true Healer, Hashem, make your efforts successful.
 
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molly P.
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9/15/08 1:12 PM
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In reply to hopeful Mommy "Deciding to have another baby" .I've been there, I am on meds for anxiety and mood disorder for 4 1/2 years. That's how old my youngest is, I was on other ones too but I won't go into detail...I'm working on my self confidence,self esteem, and happiness by trying not to let unsupportive, critical people around me ruin my life. It's not easy but I would really like to go off meds.
My doctor approved of me getting pregnant since my youngest is 2 1/2 and I would've but my husband didn't want, he really didn't have any valid reasons. I'm a very loving, capable mother. People wouldn't dream there's anything wrong with me except for that I'm not pregnant which gives people a reason to think... But I don't care, try not to anyway even though it's not easy. I tell myself all the time, this is what Hashem wants from me, by the way, being close to Hashem helps me a lot. And I look at the positive aspects of it.
Well now I am trying to get pregant IY"H, with my husbands haskamah so I'll talk about it in past tense. I really enjoyed the break. I have 3 kids 6 1/2, 5 1/2 and 4 1/2 so it's not like I was bored, there's alway what to do, with laundry,cooking and shopping. Also I daven Shachris, go to the gym and do some office work from home. If I'm ever bored, in the afternoon (if the kids are leaving me alone) I do needlepoint and hook rugs, say my daily Tehilim and if I remember, daven Mincha.
I'm taking it easy, enjoying life. Also 2 out of my 3 kids are home by 3 so my day is really very short if I want to do everything before they come home.
I can't really help you out with your decision bec. you're doing it the right, frum way, with a rav and a husband who'd also like. Hashem put me in different circumstances, my husband never asked a rav ( I wish he would've) so I'm just being an Isha Kesheira Oseh Ratzon Bahla. It's challenging but rewarding. I hope I'll get real Nachas from them in the future... And you never know, maybe after this one, if I don't have any recurring episodes, he'll let me have the next one closer in age.
It's funny, you'd probably rather be in my situation, with your husband not wanting another one & not asking and I'd want to be in yours (a frummer husband) but we have to be strong in our situation. Don't think it comes so easy, some times I think, if I would've divorced my husband, I suffered a lot in the beginning of our marriage from him, I wouldn' be on meds and not be in this messy situtaion of such a long break but then again I'll give myself chizuk & tell myself how lucky I am, I have freedom...convince myself of the good parts. And I do have a lot going for me now, since I had that episode my husband became much more supportive and kinder ( with the help of some marriage counseling) so Baruch Hashem.
The next thing on my agenda is learning how to knit...or get a license. I'll still have 9 months once I'm pregnant. I'm using the free time to learn new things and get my mind off... By the way my mother never taught me needlpoint, after my long break started, I asked the store to show me how to do my first one. It's never too late to learn new things.
 
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molly P.
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3/8/09 12:02 PM
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I'm posting again even though its hard for me because there are probably many people in my situation (who had/have post partum depression) and if I helped even one person its worth the stigma even though I don't look at it as a stigma. I know it's hard in this society to think that way but I'm always working on myself and trying to grow from my situation. Don't worry it took me a long time to get to this stage.
Baruch Hashem I'm pregnant and I feel pretty good. But I am pretty tired sometimes and I still have a household to take care of, its not easy but we have to manage to the best of our ability. If we start comparing ourselves to others who manage to have their houses spic and span even when they're pregnant or nursing....My three priorities are meals (simples ones such as fish sticks, pita and salad, chichen & potatoes etc will do if I'm not up to it. For some people simple means tuna fish/cold cut sandwhiches or buying), clean laundry, and cleanliness-bath/showers. Cleaning help once a week is a must for folding laundry, bathroom, changing linen etc.
Also a message to those of us with challenges, just remember Hashem loves us. We have to compliment ourselves for doing the best we can because no one else will. Don't blame, criticize, put yourself down. You're special and normal yes normal.

 
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