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TOPIC TITLE: maelstrom
Created On 9/1/08 11:18 PM
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iWish
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9/1/08 11:18 PM
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i just can't handle this anymore.

since i've started allowing myself to start thinking and to be really honest with myself - i'm experiencing such a cacophony of all types of emotions. so intense. so overwhelming. so confusing. it comes and goes in strong waves, but when it hits...it's so strong and debilitating (emotionally).

the mix includes:

anger
frustration
jealousy
axiety
sadness
fear
disgust
dissapointment
rage
shame
hate
terror
despair
hurt
alone
used
locked in
defeated
resentful
and the all-time-ever-favorite GUILT. for everything. including that i'm experiencing all the above-mentioned 'illegal' feelings.

and then, i also get these waves where i really feel:

understanding
sympathetic
hopeful
supportive
optimistic
acceptance
pity?
(allusion of) closeness
calmness

toward the very same people and the very same situations!

and then i wonder how much of what i'm experiencing is real - since it makes no sense to me.
and whether i've gone crazy or not.
and if there's ANYTHING i can do to stop this already.

the intensity. the contradictions. the confusion. the trying to make sense of it when i know there's no sense. the tryin to fix myself (and everyone else). the trying to figure out what to do with all that i'm experiencing - it's wearing me down.

i feel like i'm on my last straw. like a deflated baloon. i have no courage left to fight. i just wish it could all end already.
 
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Holding on
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9/1/08 11:39 PM
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iWish,

I just wanted to let you know that I understand how you are feeling. I've also been struggling with 'feeling' since I've stopped cutting, and that's why I feel like I'm going to slip up any day.
Stay strong!

(at least you can identify and list the emotions you're feeling! )

We are here to support you in any way we can.
 
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HopefulMommy
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9/3/08 9:34 PM
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iWish, you are much further along than many of us because you are able to identify your emotions so well. I remember not being able to do that and denying them. Let yourself feel them. They are very real. It's normal to have contradictory emotions, especially in your situation. You can be upset with your parents for not giving you what you need, but at the same time, you can feel sorry for them because they are incapable of meeting your needs. I remember the first time a therapist told me that my father was abusive. My first reaction was, "But it's not his fault!!!" She told me it really didn't matter. My reality was that something went wrong. Blame and faults were in Hashem's hands, not mine. My job was to deal with my reality.
 
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It's all good...
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9/5/08 4:43 PM
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It's really great that you can identify so many of your feelings! (Teach me how!!!)
The first step is always identifying what is happening. Then the next step is usually sorting things out, thru talking about how you're feeling and discussing it with people who can give you a clearer picture since they're not stuck in it with you. Do you have anyone IRL who you can talk with?

And, like HelpfulMommy said, your feelings are very real, and no, you're *not* crazy. I also used to think I was crazy for feeling so overwhelmed with intense emotions (still do, sometimes), but you are not crazy. You're just going thru a very hard time and your feelings are sweeping you away. You may not believe it now, but there will be a time when you will feel better. It may not be today or tomorrow or in a month...but you'll get there...

From my own experience, I learned that if you don't work out a feeling, it will fester in your head and stay there and perhaps even get worse. The best thing to do is to talk it out--get it out of your mouth and into someone else's ears, and then the two of you can hash it out. It's hard, it hurts a lot, but it works...and it makes you feel so much better...

We're here for you... just let us know what you need. I'm here to listen if you want.

Take care... Have a meaningful, calm, happy, relaxing, uplifting Shabbos... :-)


-------------------------
Hodu laShem ki tov...
 
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iWish
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9/7/08 9:05 PM
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thanks everyone for your replys.

my question is, though, how do u guys manage to go about your daily lives and do what u havta do while all this is going on?

there's the september school stuff (me and the kids)...holidays comin up...and even more so, the day to day stuff that just has to happen regardless of how i'm feeling...i'm finding it so hard to juggle all that PLUS the fact that an emotional hurricane katrina seems to have hit.

any suggestions?
 
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It's all good...
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9/7/08 10:12 PM
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That's a hard call, especially since all of us are so different and have different coping abilities and lifestyle needs.

If it helps at all, what I do is keep a mask at hand (seriously...you should ask my friends) that I quickly slip on whenever I need to interact with people. It's scary, but my family has no clue what I'm going thru now, cuz I cover up in a split second if I need to. It's murderous, and for the first hours or so that I work my head off to keep that smiling face on it's really hard and hurts...but then as it sorta gets molded into place, the feelings sorta get numbed. Y'know the phrase "fake it till ya make it"? Well, they had some truth in there....

G'luck, friend. Be strong!

Itsy


-------------------------
Hodu laShem ki tov...
 
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Aba
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9/9/08 11:39 AM
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iWish,
I'm really getting worried about you when you first posted back in June you expressed how you didn't have any friends or any access to a therapist now you are feeling the full brunt of the emotional storm that seems to have been brewing for a while. Is there anyone you can go to, your family Rov a high school teacher or principal you were close with, who can help get you some help.
My wife, thought she doesn't post does read the goings on here, and asked me to IM you her cell number.

Be strong,
Aba of 4


-------------------------
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden

Edited: 9/9/08 at 11:40 AM by Aba
 
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4702125952
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9/9/08 7:17 PM
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How about humor? I see you're witty: Hurricane Katrina. Call it Hurricane ______________(your name) and talk to your 'maelstrom'. (In Miracle Ride by Tzipi Katon, she names her headaches and nausea Louis and something while undergoing chemo). Humor helps! There is 'Jewlarious" on Aish.com with many jokes. Also funny movies and videos, DVDs.
 
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iWish
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9/11/08 1:42 AM
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something's wrong. real wrong.

these past two days i've done almost nothing. haven't gone to class at all. haven't touched school work at all. barely scrached by the dinner n stuff. it's awful

no one knows cuz i 'go' to school in the morn as usual. then at the rite time i come home and do the minimal so no one should realize. but during the day - school hours - i either go to a park or the library and just sit there.
me n my crazy thoughts.
going around and around in circles.
each worse than the last.
and end the day feeling like a jerk for having wasted it.
but feeling like i can't help it.

it's scary.
i keep asking myself why i'm doing this.
and i keep seeing a 'kid me' just shrugging her shoulders inside my head.
she doesn't care what the 'big me' says.
or asks or accuses.
she doesn' care that she's making the 'big me' do something irresponsible. (even tho i know it's not her fault and i'm really doing it)
she doesn't want to think.
she's just hurting SO MUCH.
she's never had a chance to be seen and recognized and cared for.
she's never had an opportunity to act irresponsibly.
so she's 'acting up'.
but she won't talk! she won't say what's wrong! all she can do is shrug her shoulders.

i tried su7's advice from the child abuse forum to talk to my 'kid me'. i do it in my head. i tell her that i understand where she's coming from. i know she's BEGGING to be noticed and cared for. for someone to rub her on the back and say, "honey, i'm sorry u're feeling so yucky. it's okay to feel that now. you'll be alright. here, let me give u a big hug...i know it hurts so much now. let's go get a nice strawberry shake and then spend the day together. don't worry - i'll take care of u and make sure u're all right. u don't hafta do anything now but relax and calm down. we can talk if u want or just be together. i promise i won't leave u until u're feeling better. and i'll be here for u whenever u need me"

but the big me can't get passed the i understand where she's coming from part because i can't say the rest of it to myself. CUZ I DON'T BELIEVE IT! MAYBE TO SOMEONE ELSE IT CAN HAPPEN. BUT NOT TO ME. NOT TO THE 'BIG ME' NOR TO THE 'KID ME'.

sorry guys for throwing all this mush out to u. i don't know if it makes sense or not. but i'm crying too hard now to read it over and see if it makes sense.


Edited: 9/11/08 at 1:52 AM by iWish
 
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su7kids
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9/11/08 2:15 AM
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say it even if you don't believe it. It will change your mind set eventually.,


-------------------------
Proud Mom of 7, MIL to 3, Grandmom of 4!
 
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HopefulMommy
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9/11/08 8:52 PM
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I know what you mean. Been there. You have to like that younger you. Really like her. You have to feel that she deserves that love and attention that she is craving. Don't think of her as yourself. Think of her as a little girl, just like your siblings. Think of what you would do for your siblings if they were in this situation. Then take care of her in a loving way, because you care about her. Ask her what she needs, and do it for her.

I find that when I am feeling down, or apathetic, doing routine things, like laundry, actually helps me. When I feel that I can't do anything worthwhile, and then fold a pile of laundry, it makes me feel a lot better about my life. It does help to have a routine, so you won't have to decide what to do, you just look at your schedule.
 
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iWish
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9/12/08 12:51 AM
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just wanna let u guys know that i'm feeling a tiny bit better

i didn't talk to 'little me' at all today. but i spent some time with her. just being with her. she really liked it. and then i took her out for an ice cream. that was awesome. she always wished for a 'big sister' (not a real one - she's got those. she wanted those who come once a week to be supportive) to do this with. she's starting to calm down.

but she's worried. if the 'big me' goes back to doing what i hafta do within the next couple of days, how will the 'big me' find time to take care of her? now our time together is happening during the 'big me's' school time (my only private time) so no one knows.

also, i think i need some reassurance that i'm gonna be okay. and that u cyber-people here will always be here for me whenever i need. and never get tired of hearing my kveching. kind of what i wrote my little me needed to hear in my last post. d'u think u can supply it?
su7 - will it only work if *i* tell it to my little me? something tells me yes, but i'm still wishing to hear it from someone else. another being.

i know the struggle's not over. but i feel like katrina's starting to lift.

iWish



Edited: 9/12/08 at 12:55 AM by iWish
 
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HopefulMommy
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9/12/08 10:51 AM
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iWish, you are amazing!!! I am really truly amazed at how far you are getting, all on your own. It took me years to get to this point of identifying my feelings and needs, taking them seriously, and taking care of the younger me.

Yes, we'll always be there for you! We will always listen whenever you need to talk. We'll appreciate you and admire you for who you are and how much you've grown.

And yes, you're gonna be okay. If you can do what you've done, you're gonna be more than okay. You'll keep growing, learning from your experience, inspiring other people, and fulfilling Hashem's plan for you.

Now you need to figure out how to find time for the younger you, and give her what she needs. Can you go to school for less than full time, so you'll have some time left? Or can you tell your parents that you have a lot of homework that you need to do in the library, and spend several hours outside of home after school?
 
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su7kids
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9/12/08 6:27 PM
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Wow, IWish, you really are doing great.

I think soon "little me" will feel confident to grow up, and probably take a leap to where you are now, but indulge her a bit.

Have a great Shabbos


-------------------------
Proud Mom of 7, MIL to 3, Grandmom of 4!
 
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It's all good...
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9/14/08 2:12 AM
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iWish--

You are gonna be ok! You are gonna be ok!! (reassurance enough? :-P) We can be here for you cuz that's what this site is for. I'm still in awe of the amazing place this is. I'm shocked to realize that I've only been a member for less than two weeks and I already feel like I've been here ages! I feel so comfortable here cuz everyone is so warm and caring and supportive. But argh! enough about me here. This is for you, iWish. Sorry! :-P

You are heard and understood, iWish. Hang in there. Life is good, and you'll see the extent of it iy"H very very soon

gut voch!
--Itsy
:-)



-------------------------
Hodu laShem ki tov...
 
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Debbi
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9/14/08 8:43 AM
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iwish,

i'm really glad to hear u r feeling even a tiny bit better.
You are doing such good work! I'm really amazed at how determined u r to get thru this....and u will, of course u will....b/c u are strong and u want it so much.

thinking of u
d.
 
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Aba
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9/14/08 9:52 PM
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iWish,
Ditto.
Aba of 4


-------------------------
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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