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TOPIC TITLE: Current child abuse? possibly triggering
Created On 9/7/08 3:49 AM
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mouse
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9/7/08 3:49 AM
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I'm not even sure how to begin this winner and if it belongs here or somewhere else. My kids (twins) are at the age that I was when abuse began. I find myself growing more and more concerned that someone will hurt my children. I'm not sure what reality is anymore. My kids are at a babysitter they hate. They say she doesn't feed them enough. (It's true to the point that I suspect it may qualify as neglect -- babysitting a full day and not giving lunch....that kinda thing.) They have also more recently told me that the babysitter's son, a teenager with MAJOR psychiatric issues (due to traumatic brain injury, not bad parenting,) chases them around the house and tries to hurt them. Now my daughter has complained at least four or five times that her bottom hurts her. This is at odd times like 2 am and such....except once where it lasted almost 9 exits on the NJ turnpike... about 1.5 hrs of screaming and crying (what I did on Labor Day wkend). I asked her if anyone has hurt her there, and she denies it. I tried bringing her to the doctor to confirm that I'm nuts and she's ok, but she won't let the doctor examine her. She wouldn't even let the doctor touch her stomach. She just sat there and cried and wouldn't talk. The doctor basically said he couldn't do anything without examining her, so we left with no solution to her pain. I told her the next time she complains of pain, I would bring her to the ER so she better think twice before crying and screaming about it. (I'm not sure that was the best way to handle it, but I said what I meant and WILL bring her to the ER if necessary at any time of the day or night.)

This is also where I must admit I'm a really bad parent. I have basically discontinued any babysitting that is for an extended period of time (one that goes into a mealtime, for example) and will not allow the babysitting to continue while the son is home. (It's not at my house, it's the babysitter's house.) HOWEVER, once a week at the moment I do have to leave the children there for about 1.5 hours so I can see my therapist. I don't know what to do. During that time I am almost postive the son is not there. I can't easily switch babysitters right now as they need to remain on their bus route for babysitting since there is no room on any other buses. I am now searching for another babysitter after consulting with my Rabbi and being told discontinuing services is advised. (It wasn't such a clear cut decision for me since I can't prove abuse or neglect except the one time when there was no lunch provided and that was a complicated issue in and of itself.) Also, I didn't tell the Rabbi about the remote possibility of abuse since I don't want to say what is hopefully not true about someone else. Am I rat for allowing my children to go to her in the morning for half an hr. to wait for the bus and at most two times a week for 1.5 to 2 hrs. for doctor or therapy appts.? I feel, think and on some level, know, that I'm being selfish and putting my children at risk for even that short period of time. Now that I'm writing this, I'm begining to see in writing that perhaps, until I have found a new babysitting situation for even those brief periods of time, I am allowing possible abuse to occur due to my own selfishness and that it's time to stop therapy until a new babysitter has been found since it is at my children's expense (and since it puts them in danger.) My husband knows about the neglect issues and agrees that the kids shouldn't be watched by the babysitter anymore when I need babysitting for full days (for example, Chol Hamoed) and we have decided if no babysitter is found for that time, we will stay home on alternate days to take care of the kids. I have NOT told him of my thoughts that the son may be hurting my daughter. This is partly because I'm not sure -- part of me knows I'm just over-reacting and paranoid due to my experiences growing up. I feel like I'm failing my kids right now. They don't even want to go to the babysitter for the half hour in the morning (when I know that the abuse isn't happening.) I feel like I'm failing my children since I've let this issue go for so long. (They hated her for almost half a year now if not longer and my daughter's bottom has been hurting on and off about five times since halfway through the summer. (Though, there doesn't seem to be a link to her bottom hurting incidents and times that the son is home with her which is why I truly doubt that is occuring. For example, she wasn't with the babysitter Labor Day wkend. so part me knows there must be another explanation. I just need something to confirm there is no abuse.) I don't want to traumatize my daughter by having her examined (which happened to me as a kid) but to some extent, I need to have it done just to put my fears to rest. She's not that happy kid she used to be and I can't tell why. (Or perhaps I'm seeing her differently because my own abuse issues????) It's like behind the smiling and laughing there is a very dark side to her and I'm scared of it. (I'm just not sure what is real and what may be imagined.) I'm very confused. I KNOW to discontinue babysitting from current babysitter, something I'm working on, but I'm not sure what else to do. In some ways I feel like a vulture. I'm just waiting for the opportunity to bring my daughter to the ER so she has no choices but I guess even there she can refuse to be examined. I don't know if waiting is the right approach. I don't know what to do. I'm confused, scared, angry who knows???? Also, if abuse is indeed going on, I am almost positive my daughter would not say who is doing it. Thus, my husband and I would be investigated which could ultimately mean loss of my teacher's lisence (unless it is found to be untrue entirely against me and not inconclusive, if I understand the law correctly.) Right now, I'm not as concerned about loss of my job as I am of my daughter's safety. I'm rambling and it is insane time of morning. Maybe someone will read this and make sense of my craziness (or lack thereof.)


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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su7kids
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9/7/08 4:05 AM
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Ok, Munkster, I hear your thoughts going on and on and on, and I think.... I am sure you have spoken to your children about appropriate touch and inappropriate touch and that its totally safe to tell you if someone touches them in any way that makes them uncomfortable. I would have that conversation with them if you haven't already.

Have the kids been swimming during the summer? Is it possible she may have a yeast infection? Lots of real possibilities of things that make bottoms hurt besides abuse. Maybe even worms, which would come out at night and itch like crazy.

I can't remember how old your children are, but it seems that they are quite capable of expressing themselves.

Regardless of what you have been through, you can keep reassuring them that you love them and that you don't want anyone to hurt them, and will protect them if they say someone is, but that they must be honest.

It does sound like a good idea for them not to be with this babysitter, if at all possible, but don't extrapolate into losing your license, etc. Just get into solution and find the babysitter.

I think you are a very good and vigilant mother and if you think there is even the slightest hint of something inappropriate you would stop it right away, maybe faster than your own parents did with you. You can use the fears and sensitivities you gained from your own experience to protect your children.

And if G-d forbid something is happening to your child, its NOT because of something you did, any more than your own abuse was caused by you. The victim is NEVER to blame.

Hugs to you, and kudos for being a good mom!


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Proud Mom of 7, MIL to 3, Grandmom of 4!
 
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mouse
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Posts: 1931
Joined: Oct 2007

9/7/08 5:41 AM
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ok, su, re-reading waht I wrote...i agree about the "on and on and on." sorry...look what time i wrote it though!!!!!! this has been bugging me for a bit. thanx for reminding me it could be other stuff too. just dunno what do? kid can't be examined. i talked with her about being touched and stuff in past. i just need this fear layed to rest. maybe just nto thinking rationally.


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