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TOPIC TITLE: Exploding...
Created On 9/12/08 12:51 PM
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It's all good...
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9/12/08 12:51 PM
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...
So I'm sitting here in my room...and nothing's really wrong, cuz hey, I have a great life (okay, a few glitches here and there, but everyone has 'em), but I'm shaking and freezing and my body is coursing with this adrenalin coming from I don't even know where...and the feelings are so sharp and strong and heavy and throbbing......and I need to let it out!! I have to get this stuff and rip it out and throw it somewhere, cuz I've been feeling like I need to explode for weeks and it's only getting worse.

I feel like I need to rip...tear...smash...fling...slice...shatter...anything...myself....it doesn't matter. I want to run and run and run and run until I have no more energy left and I just stumble and fall down somewhere where I can lay there and regain some strength. I have to scream...yell...cry and cry and sob until I have no more tears............
But nothing is happening. I don't know what to do. I need to let this all out of me. I don't want to hold this all in anymore. But I don't know what to do about it.

Talking doesn't work properly for me...cuz I can't seem to let out what hurts, and some things are too hard to talk about, or impossible to put into words.....stress balls are a joke....I furiously ripped up a corregated box last week until my room was covered in tiny bits of it but I smashed my thumb in the process and it didn't even work like it was supposed to--not the pain and not the ripping. I so desperately want be able to rage this all out of me and then be allowed to just be...to be close to someone who will listen and care and support and not judge and just hold me and validate me and ground me. But that's not going to happen...cuz I do have wonderful friends, both here and IRL...but they can't hold me cuz I won't let them...and I cant let it out cuz I don't know how................

Anybody here relate?
What do you do when (or if--maybe I'm just going mad) you ever feel this way....?



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Hodu laShem ki tov...
 
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Aba
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9/12/08 2:51 PM
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Itsy,
I don't really feel qualified to comment on how you are feeling being I have only had the displeasure of observing it but never experienced it myself. But I know being it is erev shaboos our other friends may not log on and I don't want you to go in to shaboos thinking no one has heard your cry and pain.

I wont be insulted if you ignore the rest of my post till you are in more of a listening mode so when you are ready here 2 ideas that may help. Should you have a computer in your room do a search on google video for some exercise videos. A good workout will A). be distracting and B) will help release endorphins.
Another idea which is more for the long run is to look into EFT, I know you will think I just went off the deep end but both I and my wife use it on ourselves and one of our sons and it does help.
The basics are free.

I want to comment on what you said over at http://www.frumsupport.com/forums/messageview.cfm?catid=195&threadid=810
>I can't hurt them, and them finding out I need to go see a trauma therapist will hurt them so so badly
You seem to be in a proverbial race, will I get out of the house and be on my own before it gets so bad I am "forced" to see a trauma specialist before that. I also pray you will win this race along with all the other races and battles you will be in. However, the longer you wait the harder it will be and the more pain both you and your parents will be in. Besides you have been to therapists before just don't make a big deal that this one specializes in trauma.
I'm sure your parents are not much different from myself and my wife so trust me we want whats best for our kids even if we don't understand how or why it is so.

Have a good Shaboos,
Aba of 4


-------------------------
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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It's all good...
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9/12/08 3:15 PM
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Aba--

Thank you for replying...

It's not a race--it's not that if I don't get out quickly, I'll have to go get help. I need the help anyway, cuz I don't know if I can get married at all without it. I'm in the process of finding someone now, and bez"H it will work out okay...I just don't know how I'm gonna work the dynamics of my parents knowing I'm going to yet another person, yet me not telling them any info.

Ach, I feel stupid for making a big fuss. Things are ok.


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Hodu laShem ki tov...
 
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Aba
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9/14/08 10:06 PM
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Itsy,
>I don't know if I can get married at all without it.
I would tend to agree it is a good idea.

>I'm in the process of finding someone now, and bez"H it will work out okay
B"H good luck.

>...I just don't know how I'm gonna work the dynamics of my parents knowing
>I'm going to yet another person, yet me not telling them any info.
When you find the therapist s/he should be able to guide how to navigate your parents don't worry about it now.

>Ach, I feel stupid for making a big fuss. Things are ok.
I didn't notice any fuss.

P.S. my wife found this site for exercise videoshttp://pilatesonfifth.com/video
Aba


-------------------------
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden

Edited: 9/14/08 at 10:11 PM by Aba
 
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It's all good...
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9/15/08 8:35 AM
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I went to a bris today and when the baby was crying I silently reached out to G-d
But I can barely pray anymore...


What's gonna be with me........

I can't sleep. Laid in bed last night for 3 hours just trying to fall into oblivion. I'm exhausted--physically and mentally and emotionally and spiritually... I just want to be okay.....all I want is to make Him proud.....and I think I'm failing........I don't want to fail...I don't want to fall.....but I'm falling......

And yet, the mask may not falter. Gotta smile.
Want so badly to smile inside...


Oh, please, G-d...please.........


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Hodu laShem ki tov...
 
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HopefulMommy
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9/17/08 11:16 PM
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Sometimes you fall, and then get up and rise higher than before. It's part of life. So don't think of it as falling. Think of it as growing, searching, exploring, and deepening your relationship with Hashem.

Hope you feel better soon!
 
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It's all good...
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9/21/08 1:13 AM
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I know........
I know...

But it sure feels like falling. And I feel like each mess-up is bigger and worse...


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Hodu laShem ki tov...
 
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Holding on
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9/22/08 12:19 AM
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it's all good...
I'm sorry you are struggling so.
I feel with you...
Sorry i'm no help.

Hang in there,
Holding on
 
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It's all good...
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9/22/08 9:03 AM
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Just being there is some help.

Thank you...

I'm hanging. And smiling (am i crazy??),
itsy


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Hodu laShem ki tov...
 
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little sheep
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9/22/08 9:43 AM
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falling, falling...i can get this, cuz i'm falling too...hard. can't gain a foothold...


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"I'm getting better and better every day, in every way, with the help of Yud-Kay-Vav-Kay"~Rabbi Label Lam
 
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