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TOPIC TITLE: Advice on a husbands needs (*blush*)
Created On 9/22/08 11:32 AM
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Aba
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9/22/08 11:32 AM
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I feel beet red as I write this questions but I need to hear some objective advice or opinions on this so please forgive me if it doesn't come out as well as I would like it to.
Many of you, you being the married ladies in the group, struggle, as does my wife, with being touched, etc my question is; do you and your husbands have issues ... I'm sure you get the idea I just can't spit it out.
I will say that during most months right after going to the Mikva we see eye to eye on these maters but with in a few days we don't and it is a source of contention. I feel very uncared and unappreciated for and she feels guilty and an improper wife.

I started going to a T about 3 weeks ago. (B"H besides being a good T he is also a Talmud Chachum,
He moon lights as an assistant Menahel locally, so we speak the same language). He suggested we set a date once or twice a week but my wife didn't seem to interested.

Thanks for listening,
Aba (*Blush*)


-------------------------
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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molly P.
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9/22/08 10:55 PM
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Women need the emotional part too, not only the physical so if they are not getting emotional warmth it may be hard to accept the physical bec. they think you're only doing it to satisfy your needs not hers. So do you ever smile to her when you greet her? do you ask her about her day? Do you offer a helping hand? Ask her if she ate?
 
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mouse
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9/23/08 3:03 AM
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I'd love to say it's so easy. I have issues of being touched for two reasons: 1. abuse issues 2. sensory issues. My husband is awesome. He, however, doesn't know about #1 and therefore it makes things much more difficult. He doesn't really understand #2; however, I assume most people don't. Either way, he knows touching me is a mighty unpleasant experience for me and keeps it to a minimum. (I told you, he's really, really awesome.) I will very often tell him when it is ok for me to be touched and he is beginning to find a pattern now (after eight yrs of marriage) that I seem to follow -- not while eating or cooking, but ok when cleaning or something. We also discussed in detail what and how we would "do stuff." It wasn't really a verbal contract as much as an understanding. I don't know if got your question 100%, but I hope this helps. BTW, my husband says some kind of compliment to me every day. (For the longest time I'd cringe when hearing it because it made me feel "icky." But now, I realize it is him truly appreciating me.) He is there emotionally; I just have difficulty being there physically.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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Holding on
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9/24/08 12:38 AM
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*sigh*
This scares me so much...
 
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mouse
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9/24/08 3:13 AM
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Holding on, yeah in a lot of ways it is scary. HOWEVER, I have twins now and find it the most rewarding, fun, amazing experience i've ever had. It is definitely worth it -- even if you asked my husband.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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Debbi
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9/24/08 12:45 PM
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Hi abaof4,

I'm so glad u have brought up this topic.
I imagine that were my own husband to verbalise his feelings rearding this matter, he would no doubt say exactly the same as thing as you are saying.

I dont know if your wife has been se*ually abused or not. (forgive if I am jst not remembering). So I can really only tell u about my own experience as a survivor of S. abuse.

First of all, just from having corresponded with you for a while via these forums, you seem so caring towards your wife. You come across as an understanding, warm, kind, logical and smart person. I can well imagine that you do compliment your wife, alot. If this is true then it probably is not part of the problem.

For myself, I find it extremely difficult to demonstrate love and affection towards my husband. Whether physical or emotional. (emotionally I will admit that I have come a long way)

Its interesting that just this morning I understood something very important about myself.
My desire to demonstrate love and caring towards my husband, both physically and emotionally only happens when the timing is inappropiate.
For example if we wake up at 7:30 in the morning, and the kids are banging on the door, and my husband has to be out by 8:00, and kids have to be at the busstop at 8, and breakfast has to be made, and lost shoes need to be found.........etc etc......

So its at those moments when I feel an inexplicable desire to tell him how much i love him, and I will even volunteer to be intimate, b/c its what i really want., and not because it is my unfortunate duty.
Upon some reflection, i believe it happens at those moments, b/c I feel less threatened. Time", and "outside circumstances" are in control, and NOT my husband.
I feel safer at those times.
I feel that he will be more in control of himself.....which logically makes little sense, b/c he is kind man, and would never ever intentionally hurt me.

I dont know if the above has any relevence to u., but I might add, that intimacy is a great source of contention for both I and my hsband within our marriage. More so for him, b/c he genuinely suffers from a lack of connect.
(maybe u two can support each other)

As for me, I feel so sad and angry that I cannot give him what every man needs.
We have worked on it.
We have gone to a sx therapist, and it has really helped, except that every time I have started working with this therapist on these particular issues, I end up in a downward spiral of anxiety and depression, and all its sequalea.

My heart goes out to you, and all the other innocent husbands, who care enough to stay with their families, even though their needs are being frustrated.
I wish there was an easy answer.
Great that u r going to Therapy, I'm sure it lessens the burden, when u can share it with an understanding person. (wish my hsband would do that too)

This is an important topic, and if talked about on a tziniusdik level, I can't imagine administration will have a problem with it.

I must mention that at one point things were really bad, and both my husband and I approached a prominent Rov, and asked him for advice.
He turned to me and said....."look, I dont know if u will ever be "normal", but if u want to stay married, then you had better get home, and do what every normal wife needs to do!

Needless to say, I walked out of his house, with my head bowed in shame, feeling totally misunderstood. I never went to another Rov again.

Abaof 4, hope u acn resonate with some of what i have said.

take care
debi
 
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Aba
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9/25/08 11:49 AM
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Ladies,
Thank you for your input it's not an easy topic to discuss.

molly P. I would like to think I do the things you asked about, but I'm sure not enough.

Munkster you are very lucky I would love to know how your husband does it. I'm am currently a person who needs more physical contact, intimate and not so intimate, that makes my wife comfortable or that she is capable to give. I would love to know how to change that. My T only suggestion was prayer.
If I may ask was your husband always like that or he have to overcome something?

Yes, Holding On interpersonal relationships are a scary topic b/c to get the most out of them you need to put yourself in a vulnerable position. With Hashem's help may we all be Zoche to build a Bais Nemon B'Yisroel.
I am lucky in one thing it is that I know, thought I don't know how I know, that my wife is the "other half" of my nishuma. It's an uncanny feeling which is just there.

Debbi, (you covered so many areas I want to cover them a little more slowly.)
>I'm so glad u have brought up this topic.
Your welcome.

>I dont know if your wife has been se*ually abused or not.
Hers was emotional abuse

>(maybe u two can support each other)
I wish I could connect with others in my position it can be quite lonely

>We have gone to a sx therapist, and it has really helped
Did the therapy focus on your abuse or on the way the two of you relate to each other.

>My heart goes out to you, and all the other innocent husbands
Thank you.

>Great that u r going to Therapy, I'm sure it lessens the burden, when u can share it with an >understanding person. (wish my hsband would do that too)
It took me a long time to start to go

>This is an important topic, and if talked about on a tziniusdik level, I can't imagine
>administration will have a problem with it.
ditto

>Abaof 4, hope u acn resonate with some of what i have said.
yes thank you again.


-------------------------
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden

Edited: 9/25/08 at 11:55 AM by Aba
 
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unhelpable.
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9/25/08 5:01 PM
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aba, first of all i want to let you know that i really feel for you, and hope things get better real soon.
i'm not sure how much i can help, since i'm a gal, but i can tell you about me.
i also have pretty big touch issues because of various types of abuse. but for me, the kind of touch that i can't handle is the loving, caring, meaningful kind of touch. i don't mind someone tapping me on the shoulder to ask for the time, or passing someone a pen, or even a bye-i'm-gonna-miss-you hug from someone i know i'm never going to hear from again. but its the caring hand on my arm, the i-wish-i-could-make-life-better-but-i-know-i-can't hug, or the i-love-you-so-much hug thats impossible.
however, since i quit being religious awhile ago, (its loooooong story), i have had relationships with a couple of guys. yes, intimately. but if i really thought about it, i didn't care about those guys at all. it was like i was thinking that i was already violated, used and blemished so much, that it didn't matter if i just let another guy use my body to have a good time. it was kind of like a sick form of SI.
but i don't think i would ever be able to have a relationship with a guy i really cared about.
i'm not sure why i just told you all this, cuz i don't think it will do anything to help you and your wife, but it felt good to vent a little.
lastly, i admire the way your care so much about your wife. she is very lucky.
hang in there,
un.


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"everyone crys every now and then, my tears just happen to be red."
 
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molly P.
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9/25/08 10:32 PM
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It seems you are a very devoted husband, I guess I don't know much about such issues but maybe my post will benefit and apply to someone else who reads it
 
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Debbi
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9/26/08 12:52 AM
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Hi Molly P, I think your suggestions are very applicable to anyone reading these posts, including i'm sure aba.

Unhelpable, I wanted to mention, that lately as i read your posts, I think you are very much "helpable".
I am noticing how u r reaching out to others, and giving them Chizuk, as well as communicating your own need for connection/understanding/empathy.... and "help"

"unhelpable"....i get the feeling that you are very helpable

If you would just allow yourself!
 
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mouse
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9/26/08 1:39 AM
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Aba, my husband his own challenges (whether he admits it or not); however, they are not with intimacy. I think it helped that he was single for a very, very long time (20 yrs) before getting married. I guess he learned different coping mechanisms -- dunno.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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unhelpable.
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9/26/08 9:11 AM
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debbi, i try to.
sometime receiving help is much harder than giving it to someone else.
but thanks anyway.


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"everyone crys every now and then, my tears just happen to be red."
 
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Aba
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10/2/08 3:31 PM
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Thank you everyone for opening up and giving me your advice. G-d willing I'll be able to do something with it.

munkster,
I got married at 23 maybe it's better to get married earlier.
Aba


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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mouse
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10/2/08 4:26 PM
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I agree it's better to get married earlier, but if the person you are destined to marry is ten yrs younger, well...it just doesn't work until both are ready and for that matter the match is found. (Ours was a very unlikely match that only succeeded to the dating stage altogether because we were both too scared to say no to the shadchan. Complicated story, don't ask). I think my husband learned to deal with me with lots and lots of patience as he had to have the same patience when he was single. I'm not saying getting married is great; just a fact of what happened with me.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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rainbow
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10/19/08 4:25 AM
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abaof4, your letter could have been written by my husband.
Debbi, your letter could have been written by me.

I, We, need all the help we can get to go on with daily life, but I sadly cannot get too much support here, because a few people know me. I have changed my screen name, but The same nosy bodies still keep on checking for my posts.

If you suggest PM, I can only do it if there is no chance that you don't figure out who I am.
 
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Debbi
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10/19/08 10:20 PM
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u can PM me, and I really have no desire to find out who u are.
i would like to support u, and if possible offer suggestions.
debbi
 
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mouse
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10/20/08 2:43 AM
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Rainbow, I'm here if I can help you. Best wishes.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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