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TOPIC TITLE: Surviving my engagement (adult?)
Created On 4/30/09 6:06 PM
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Holding on
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4/30/09 6:06 PM
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Hey,

First, sorry I haven't been around. Aside for being busy, my father stopped our internet service.
I finally have my own laptop now.

So I'm engaged. I'm really excited about that. I'm looking forward to being with my chosson and his family is really great too.
The problem is that I'm feeling like **** about myself.

I know I have some issues with touch, but at one point I was pretty calm about the whole issue. I know my chosson will be understanding. I'm in therapy, had the support of friends and with the help of a really good kallah teacher I thought I'd be ok.
But I'm not so ok anymore.
I'm losing it bec of the physical aspect. In addition to that, now, bec of comments my father made, I'm doubting my abilities on everything else. Everything. Logically, i know i'm not any less capable of managing everything than i was b4 my father said things, but i can't help it.
Will I be able to keep a relationship going?
Will I be able to run a house?

I hate doubting myself.

I'm in therapy. This week my assignment is to write down my good qualities, what i like about myself and what other ppl. like about me...
i can maybe write some stuff but i don't really believe it. Even on the days where i feel better about myself and i think i believe it, all i need is for my father to make a comment... idk why i still let him get to me like that. i hate that i can't just ignore it.

There's other stuff going on too, but i think i'd be coping much better with everything if not for the comments.

i don't think any of this is making sense. Sorry.
Right now I'm hurting so bad that i feel like i can't breathe. It's like a pressure in my chest.
i need to cut so bad. It would make it go away.

basically, for now all i have to do is make it to my wedding. simple.

sorry for the rant

 
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gad
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4/30/09 6:46 PM
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That's wonderful news. May you have much good mazal.

You are a good person. We on the frum forum see how many good things you've done to help people. And you show empathy and are sympathetic to their feelings. And you started the happy postings which has brought so much happiness, enabling people to express their own happiness, and to share in others' happy postings.

So in terms of being sensitive to the needs of others and to try to help them, you (and the whole crew here) have a giant head start over many people.

You father is definitely difficult to take, but hopefully you will now be able to put a healthy (physical and emotional) distance between your father and yourself. And your husband will surely offer support.

I hope that everything goes well, that the marriage will be in a good and auspicious time, and that you and your husband will build a true house in Israel, and bring much light and warmth into the world.

Mazal Tov. Hope to hear good news.


Edited: 4/30/09 at 6:48 PM by gad
 
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mouse
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First off, mazel tov. I'm really happy for you. I remember being in a similar position as you. Funny thing is (or maybe really not too funny) I can't remember how I overcame it. I still have the touch issues -- even when it is NOT related to my husband. (I lose it when people so much as tap me on the shoulder.) But the big touch issues, husband-related ones, are for the most part overcome through a lot work and communication. I think communication with my husband made things tolerable at first and then livable and now enjoyable (I guess the way it should be?) I've been married a while though and it isn't always in the last category even now. It just is getting into that category. I'm not sure if what I said makes sense or is any comfort. I hope it does something. The best thing I was ever told was that marriage is something you work on to make better. It is what you put into it that counts. You should try to look at what you put into it. Not what you can get out of it.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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frumsw
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5/1/09 9:05 AM
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About your father's comments. It really painful to hear unkind things from close family members, especially ones with authority who you would like to have approval from but nowhere does it say that you have to believe it!
You are an adult now and you know your abilities. Why your father says these things is a reflection of his issues-not yours.
A way to change these thoughts about yourself is simply repeating a positive belief like, "It doesn't matter what anybody says, I am a capable person" many times a day (I know somebody who says it 1,000 times a day and has said it for 6 months now and she's a different person. she didn't believe it in the beginning but said it anyway)
It's normal to be anxious during an engagement but I would wear earplugs (literally &/or figuratively) and stay away from unsupportive people). mazel tov and hatzlacha


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Aba
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5/1/09 1:46 PM
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Holding on,
(I have started this post about 3 times already I just can't seem to find the right words so, with Hashems help, here goes ...)
communication, communication, communication that is the secret to a successful marriage.
You need to communicate to Hashem that you want His help in creating a warm, caring and safe home, ...
you need to communicate with yourself so you really know how and what you feel, and ...
you need to communicate with your husband about your current limitations and abilities.

As an aside I don't think this means he needs to know every detail of each and every therapy session but when and if he asks it will be out of love and concern so don't get annoyed if he asks too much.
Also, I think my relationship with Ema gained by us having joint therapy sessions once-in-awhile.

I strongly suggest the two of you find a Rov you can both feel comfortable with and he must have an understanding mental health issues. If your Chussin is rules and regulation type of guy it will be invaluable b/c in since Judaism many of the mutual responsibilities spouses have toward each other have pre-standing rules and modes of conduct so you will need Das Torah to know what is Halacha and what is not.

There are some great books out there:
I found "Table for Two" was very good
http://www.feldheim.com/cgi-bin/category.cgi?item=0-944070-98-1&type=store&category=search
My therapist is reading one I think by Rabbi Lazer Brody which had some good reviews, I'll keep you posted.
If you haven't read "The Thinking Jewish Teenagers Guide to Life" by Rabbi Akiva Tatz http://www.targum.com/product.php/41/the-thinking-jewish-teenager-s-guide-to-life you still can I read it at about age 35 the book blew my mind. He has a chapter on intimacy which is unbelievable.

I once herd Rabbi Berel Wein say, contrary to popular belief, "Marriage doesn't solve any problems, it just compounds them." However, I do feel thought, it is much better tackling the challenges of life with a partner then alone.

So there you have it. I hope it's understandable and comes across caring.
I hope the two of you are blessed with a warm and caring home one built on mutual understanding where it is safe to express oneself, a real Bais Neaman B'Isroel.

Kol Tuv and Good Shaboos,

P.S. Should I be lucky enough to know your chussin and get invited your wedding I'm the one with the horns


-------------------------
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden

Edited: 5/3/09 at 1:14 PM by Aba
 
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helpplz
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5/1/09 5:19 PM
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Mazal Tov!!!! May Hashem grant you a marriage filled with kedusha, menuchas ahanefesh and hashoras hashchina!!!! May you always cal to him and may you feel his presence there w u through ur challenging moments such as engagement. engagement is a diffiuclt time for anybody so w other issues as well its only normal that it would b more difficult.. yet u'l pull through w flying colors w hashem on ur side!!! and enjoy what u can out of it!! it only comes once in a lifetime!!! Mazal tov again,
gut shabbos!
 
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Holding on
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5/4/09 1:02 AM
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Thank you everyone for your well wishes and for the responses.

Gad - thank you for saying that. I don't feel like a good person though. I don't feel like i deserve a person as amazing as my chosson.

Once I'm married iy"H, I'm hoping things will become easier between my father and i. I think they will, but for now, idk how to cope. Sometimes I hurt so much bec of things he says that I can't stop obsessing about hurting myself, which is something I haven't done in a really long time.

Munkster - it's good to hear from someone that has worked this out.

Frumsw - i know i don't have to believe it, and trust me, it's not a pleasure doubting yourself and believing the stuff my father says. But it's hard to ignore it after hearing it for 20 years. And even though logically i know i shouldn't be seeking approval from my father if he isn't capable of giving it or showing it, it's what I have been trying for all these years and now, (again, even tho in the back of my mind i know i'm probably just hurting myself more), how do i give up? How do i not need something I've been trying for all this time?
Arg! it's so frustrating bec. i know i'm doing this to myself and i need to just let go, but i can't seem to do it.
How do u make urself believe that u can do it when ur constantly hearing: 'ur a dissapointment', 'i'm worried about u', (after saying that my chosson was so talented) - 'u have a lot of catching up to do.'
How?

Aba - thanks for the tips, links... Thanks for not giving up. you made me smile ty.

Helpplz - thanks for the brochos. I'm trying to enjoy what i can.

Goodnight!
 
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gad
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5/4/09 8:46 AM
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It's very difficult to live in the same house with somone who keeps criticizing you.

Perhaps you can ask someone who your father respects, to explain to your father that it's important for parents to be very easy on a choson and kalah, so that they can be relaxed.
Maybe you can ask this person to keep it confidential, and the person can just mix it into a conversation. Such as: "Mazal Tov. How is it going? You know I just want to mention that it's very important to be easy on the kalah. I learned that myself etc..."

Hope to hear good news.
 
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Holding on
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Thanks Gad.

My therapist asked me last time if I would mind very much if she spoke to my father. I wasn't very happy about it, bec. when my last therapist tried it didn't help very much but i told her ok. And this week, I actually didn't hear any negative comments! It was really good. I only hope it can continue like this and then i can hopefully work on not feeling so horrible about myself.

I'm still very much 'losing it' bec of the mikvah. My body sort of went all numb on me when we spoke about it. Even thinking about it now is freaking me out. I don't know what I'm gonna do. My therapist was trying to tell me that if you focus on why you go... it's a really nice thing... I heard all that already, but I can't. K, can't think about this now.

I also have this feeling that I'm not really good and once my chosson get's to know me better he'll be dissapointed. I'm hoping that my friends are right in saying that i only feel like this about myself bec of stuff going on at home... and once I'm out I'll probably start feeling better. I really hope so.

Tc


 
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Aba
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Holding on,
> And this week, I actually didn't hear any negative comments!
Yah one point for the good guys

>I'm still very much 'losing it' bec of the mikvah.
I do hope you can work through the issues but you should know you are not alone one of ema's friends who is a very frum lady of high caliber has problems going.

>I also have this feeling that I'm not really good and once my chosson get's to
>know me better he'll be disappointed.
When he gets to know you he will realize how lucky he is.

BTW getting to know your spouse takes more years then you expect even after 10 or 20 years you may learn something new.

Kol Tuv,
Aba


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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gad
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5/6/09 8:55 PM
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I'm happy that things are going better for you with your father.

Re the Mikva, maybe you can visit one beforehand, things can be explained to you, and this may remove some of the fear.

Alternatively you can perhaps tell yourself that we are often scared of things beforehand, but once we do it, we are fine.
(Some of the greatest performers suffered from extreme stage fright before a show, but once they went on stage, everything was fine.)

Someone once related that before going to the Mikva, she was very frightened. But once she went, she had a beautiful uplifting experience, where she felt very holy and spiritual. And things were done in a very tzniyus way, respecting privacy.


I agree with Aba that marriage is an ongoing learning experience. Your Choson clearly sees your good points, that's why he wants to marry you. As for your perceived negative points, they may be imagined and not real; or, even if they are real, love often enables people to overlook any negatives, and often to transform the negative into positive.

Mazal tov again. Hope to hear continued good and happy news.
 
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Holding on
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5/7/09 12:12 AM
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Hi,

Thank you for responding.

About the mikvah, it's good to know that I'm not alone. Going beforehand might make it easier and it's a good idea. But I'll have to keep it in mind for when I'm more ready bec right now, even just thinking about it makes me want to cut really badly. I've also been told that it can be a very nice experience and everything... but i can't listen to that right now. It wont go into my head. So far almost every time I think about having to go, all i want to do is destroy my body. Idk why i have a such a strong reaction .

Thanks for the encouragement. I wish i can feel a little better about myself. I'm working at it in therapy, but it's hard. I guess it's sort of undoing twenty years of negativety. I just hope it doesn't take as long.

Goodnight!
 
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mouse
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Holding on, not only do I think you should go to a mikvah before you MUST go, but you should prolly make some rounds and rate em. We almost MOVED because of a bad mikvah situation until someone told me the Lubavitchers in the area try to keep a really really really nice one so the newly frum people aren't scared off. This was a pretty good peice of info since I had been so upset by a previous experience I was UNWILLING to go. I had a month and my hubby was supportive and looking around too. It was a family project. Anyhow, it worked out, I didn't move, and I lived happily ever after..... But, if you live in a place with more than one mikvah, you should know your options in case it snows or one has to close for repairs etc. You want to go where it is most pleasant -- even if going is a dreadful experience to begin with. By the way, I used to have panic attacks over going. Now I just hate it because it is an inconvenience. Who knows? Maybe you too will become either desensitized or may actually enjoy it? (I admit that after having my kids, I was RUNNING for the mikvah to get some quiet time with no screaming baby -- you bet I prepared there!!!)


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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Holding on
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5/7/09 11:11 AM
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Munkster, I'm happy it worked out for you.
I will definately go beforehand IY"H, but I still can't think about it now. Mikvah in my head just equals cut, cut, must cut. My kallah teacher gave me a list of some of the mikvahs in the neighborhood so when I'm ready I'll check some of them out. But will I ever be ready ? It's not like I have months to get over this. I don't.
 
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frumsw
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If it makes you feel any better, I didn't feel really comfortable about the mikva until I worked in one! (that happened after being married over 15 years!) but yes, you do have work on whatever it's triggering in you. Also, have your teacher help you connect with a particular sympathetic mikva lady, not just a beautiful looking place and have somebody you trust go with you, even to just hang around the waiting room. It made a big difference for my daughter that I was so chilled when I took her...to the place where I worked to one of the nicest ladies there.
Yes, it's hard to do undo 20 years of damage but you have to understand-he is damaged himself and that is why he says what he says. You can be the most perfect being to ever walk the earth and he will still say it. You have to change the tape in your head that repeats his words and makes you want to hurt yourself.


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Holding on
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5/11/09 3:58 AM
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Frumsw - thanks. I guess it feels better knowing that others have had issues with this and gotten over it (or at least survived).
I just dont know how that's going to happen for me bec. this whole week i've been freaking out about it almost nightly. (clue as to why I'm still awake at this hour). And idk how to work on it if idk what it's triggering in me. Just makes me feel vulnerable and all I want to do it destroy my body.

In regards to my father's comments, I can't say that I've stopped replaying them in my head, but so far he hasn't said anything else B"H. Crazy enough, it feels... strange. I don't know what else to say. Strange, but nice too. It's almost like something's missing.

Ok, idk if this is normal pre-marriage jitters or what (or if any of this makes sense), but I'm becoming hysterical lately that I'll IY"H be gaining a husband (and new best friend...) but I feel like I'm gonna be more alone in every other way. I know friendships take a back burner for awhile and that relationships change, but I can't help feeling like I'm drowning.
I can't expect my husband IY"H to understand everything about me, but if i wont have the friends who've helped me pull thru all the time i was struggling... ???
Am i just stressing myself out for no reason? Am i just being immature about this?

I need to sleep so badly I cant think straight. Sorry.

tc
 
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Holding on
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5/11/09 4:01 AM
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sorry - came up twice

Goodnight!


Edited: 5/11/09 at 4:10 AM by Holding on
 
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frumsw
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About the friends issue-not at all. I called my friends during sheva brochos and they were thrilled. It's just that they will wait for you to call (hopefully) and not want to intrude on your privacy. Just remember to keep your husband's stuff private-you wouldn't want him telling private things about you to his buddies! My best friend is somebody still from high school-over 20 years ago. Friends will just be waiting on the sidelines until you are ready for them.


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4702125952
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It might help to focus outward--on your chosson and HIS needs. If you think about the man you love and how you can be a giving, supportive, loving wife to him it can alleviate some anxiety. You are as worthy as any other person on this planet of a loving relationship.

Criticism at this point is toxic and dangerous. Is there a possibility of moving out of your house until your marriage? Being around nurturing friends is vital.
 
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Aba
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5/13/09 4:41 PM
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Hi Y'all
This post is a little off topic of engagements but here is a web site which seems to have some good marriage advice. http://www.ydivide.com
It is put together by Rabbi Aryeh Pamensky who, I belive, is a talmid of Rav Noach Weinberg ZT"L.
He has another site which I didn't really look at to much http://www.happywife.com

Kol Tuv,
Aba


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden

Edited: 5/13/09 at 4:43 PM by Aba
 
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Holding on
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5/14/09 9:23 PM
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Hi,

Mikva issue is still keeping me awake. This is so stupid. I'm not helping myself any by stressing out. But I can't seem to calm down. I brought it up in therapy and she tried calming me down and figuring out what part of the whole thing made me react like that. She went thru the whole thing, but idk... Then for like the rest of the day I was all out of things. Idk what I'm gonna do.
But B"H alot of the other preperations and things are working out.

Frumsw - thanks. I really hope you're right. I'm so scared of losing everyone.
I know it's also bec a good friend is going to E"Y, but...

4702 - thank you. I don't think moving out now would work, but I am trying to get out of the house at least once a week with friends.

Aba - thanks for the link. I'll check it out iy"H when i get a chance.

Tc
 
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gad
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5/15/09 12:56 AM
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The following links are personal accounts of going to the Mikvah. I wasn't sure if I should send it, because you mentioned that it was difficult for you to talk about it right now. But I decided to send it anyway, in case it might help. And if you feel that they won't help right now, then you can just ignore it and not read it.

Hope to hear good news.

http://www.chabad.org/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/752979/jewish/The-Ladies-Club.htm

http://www.chabad.org/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/724137/jewish/Letting-the-Waters-Take-You.htm

http://www.chabad.org/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/669011/jewish/Returning-to-What-We-Ran-From.htm


 
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Holding on
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Gad - thanks for the links.

Sorry for posting again about the same thing, but i still don't know how i'm going to handle this. Knowing i don't have much time to work this out is just making it worse. Idk what I'm expecting to hear, really i dont, but I'm really bugging out right now.
sorry...
Why can't I just calm down and deal with it when the time comes? Why am i stressing myself out?
Arrrggg!
 
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gad
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Sometimes we can't explain why we worry, we just worry.

Sometimes we are able to talk ourselves into being optimistic.

Sometimes we need to actually experience the unknown, and see that it wasn't as scary as we thought.

Perhaps the best way to deal with this, is to tell yourself that it's understandable that you are worried about this, and many people do worry about it. Once you accept that it's normal to worry, then you can hopefully switch your thoughts to other more productive areas. And then, once you go, you'll probably see that it's all fine.

 
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Debbi
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5/20/09 11:48 AM
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hard for me to talk right now, mikvah issue brings up alot for me, but i wanted to wish u Mazel Tov!!! Im really happy for you. This is a new begining, and i wish you much happiness and joy with your soon to be husband.

You Deserve it!!!! Dont ever forget that!
 
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Holding on
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I brought it up in therapy again today. She asked me what i think about it. Idk what i think, it's just feelings. She wants me to try to go to the mikva this week and track my thoughts, not just my feelings. What the thought was before the feeling. I said id try.
Now I have to get myself to ask a friend to come with me. I'm scared to go by myself, scared Of myself. Feeling stupid. How do i go about getting a tour of a mikva?

I can't pinpoint what i'm afraid of. idk if afraid is the right word.

Debbi - welcome back. I'm sorry for bringing stuff up for you - please stay safe. Thank you for the mazel tov and well wishes. And the reminder. I need to here that.

Thank you for the support.

 
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gad
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Quote

Originally posted by: Holding on
How do i go about getting a tour of a mikva?


You can call the person at the mikva and ask if they could please allow you to see the mikva beforehand. You can say that you are a bit nervous about the mikva, and you thought that a tour would help.
 
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su7kids
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H O, you are probably afraid of the unknown.

If yo ucan't find anyone at your local mikvah, conact www.mikvah.org and ask if someone in yoru area can give you a tour and discussion about the mikvah.

I can assure you that you are not the first nor will you be the last who is nervous about the mikvah itself.

I did a long bus ride today in a city i'm not familiar with, with transportation that i'm not familiar, picking up, dropping off in places I'm not familiar with and I was shocked when I made it.

now it doesn't seem so overwhelming anymore. I don't know that I'll ever get over the fear, but at least I know i can do it now.


-------------------------
Proud Mom of 7, MIL to 3, Grandmom of 4!
 
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Holding on
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5/25/09 5:31 PM
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Idk if it's a fear of the unknown, although that most likely does add alot. As the day comes closer and closer I'm feeling almost trapped.
A really good friend of mine agreed to come with me.
I asked my kallah teacher for some numbers. I felt really stupid bec she wanted to know why i wanted to go b4. I told her it was just for myself to make myself more comfortable, which earned me an interesting look , (probably bec i never reacted to anything she's said about it). Now I'm not really looking forward to next time bec i'm hoping she doesn't treat me any differently or anything, but I got the numbers.
Now i have to call. Except that I've been pushing it off. I'm scared of myself, of my reaction... I feel like a baby, even tho i know other ppl. have a hard time with this as well.
I hate this.
 
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mouse
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5/26/09 4:23 AM
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Wait....Kallah teacher wanted to know why you wanted to know the numbers to the mikvah before going for the first time??? Or did I not understand what you are saying? I'm not sure. I hope I am misunderstanding. I was encouraged to take a look at the mikvah before I went for the first time so I wouldn't be dreading it. I think you should go before you go for the "real thing." You can then choose the one you are most comfortable with and possibly see who the mikvah ladies are (a very, very big plus.) You don't want the first experience with a mikvah to be so-so when it can be very good or excellent. My first experience was so-so only because it was the only one in town. It was nice but the mikvah ladies were my best friends' mothers (UGH!!!!!!) However, once married, I had a variety of experiences ranging from not too good to awesome (where I've been going ever since. The Lubavitch mikvah near me is STUNNING. Couldn't be better. 5 star rating. I'm not sure if it is true but I was told most Lubavitch ones are because they don't wanna scare away people. BUT, ONCE AGAIN, not sure if that is true. I just know about mine. Also, you may need to ask your Rabbi if it is ok as I've been told the setup of a Lubavitch mikvah is slightly different. (I was told it is not a problem to use, but just ask.) Try to approach mikvah searching like a job hunt with a sense of humor. Maybe it will make it easier. Make a list of what is important to you. (Do you want young/old mikvah ladies?, Are the facilities new? Are they clean? Are they pretty? Is there an effort to make it luxurious? (Flowers, extra toothbrush if forgotten....) How many people are there on a given night (ask!!!!) Is there generally a long wait? Can you make an appointment so you DON'T have to wait? (Mine is by appt. only!) Talk to married people and ask what to ask.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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Holding on
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5/26/09 2:29 PM
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Munkster -
Yeah . I asked her for the numbers telling her i wanted to go b4. She tells me "you are gonna go b4". :/ So I told her clearly that i wanted to go b4 i HAD to go. She asked why . I just told her that i wanna go b4 to make myself more comfortable. I felt so stupid.
It would probably be better if I went to more than one beforehand, but Idk how i'm gonna do it bec i'm dreading going (even to look at it) in the first place. Thinking about it is making me feel sick.
I'm not holding my breath that it'll be very good or excellent. I'm just hoping i manage it w/o hurting myself.
It's hard to think of what is important to me or what would make me more comfortable bec i keep shutting down. Idk how i'm gonna track my thoughts for my therapist this way . Clean and not too many ppl are the only things so far.
Thanks for the advice...
 
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mouse
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5/26/09 9:47 PM
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You need some support. Your teacher isn't doing it. Therefore, time to teach teacher. Tell your kallah teacher that you need HER to bring YOU to the local mikvah digs (I call it Mickey...sounds better, plus you can put it in the phone book without your kids knowing.) She NEEDS to be a more supportive role in this given who she is. Perhaps she doesn't know it's a part of her job. Well, now she's drafted.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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Holding on
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5/27/09 2:35 AM
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I am so not coping anymore. I finally got myself to call and they dont want single ppl there if ur not a kallah. Duh, that makes sense, but i didn't think about it b4 and was planning on going with my friend and now i'm stuck. Really in trouble. Really really wanna hurt myself. My friends friend offered to come with me but i never met her (even tho we have spoken) so idk how comfortable i am with that. I feel stupid, but i can't help it. Maybe i can meet her once and go a different day. Idk. After i hung up, i totally lost it. i hate feeling this desperate. i can't do this. I need to hurt myself really badly. And plus I have therapy tomorrow - dunno how i'm going to manage that
I wouldnt feel comfortable asking my kallah teacher, especially after the look i got when i asked her for the numbers.
idk what i'm gonna do .
Help


Edited: 5/27/09 at 2:47 AM by Holding on
 
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gad
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5/27/09 3:12 AM
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Is the problem that they don't want you there when other people use it? If that's the problem, then maybe they won't mind by day.

You say that a friend's friend offered to come (but you feel uncomfortable). But if they don't let a single (that is, unmarried) person there, how would the friend's coming help? (Does "single" mean unmarried, or do they mean one person by themselves?)

Here's a link (that Su7 mentioned) with Mikvas and phone numbers, in case you want to call around.

http://mikvah.org/directory/

(I remember once reading that some places offer tours to aquaint people with the Mikva.)

You may also want to call a Rebbetzin that you know, explain that you are very nervous about the Mikva, and that you feel that seeing it will help.

As Munkster wrote, I don't understand these people. It seems like a no-brainer.

Hope to hear good news.



Edited: 5/27/09 at 3:14 AM by gad
 
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mouse
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5/27/09 4:14 AM
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Gad, thanx for the mikvah numbers. Just because one place rejects out of STUPIDITIES doesn't mean all will. Try a Chabad mikvah. They are often more open minded towards these things. (No, I PROMISE i'm NOT CHABAD.) There have got to be other places too that will allow people to take a peek before they go. I think it's asking a bit much to do otherwise. Maybe out of town kallah teachers are nicer, more understanding and stuff. Dunno. Mine got it. She told me to take a tour BEFORE!!! I thought that was accepted practice. And for my own daughter when she is the right age, she isn't going to a Mikvah before seeing it, so the mikvah's better get their act together and start being understanding. I think you may have just come accross a fluke. Keep asking around. If they don't want a person looking maybe they got something to hide??? dunno?


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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su7kids
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5/27/09 8:35 AM
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I know this is a tough suggestion to deal with, but if it were me (and I am a mikvah lady) I think I would be understanding:

If you call up the mikvah and say that you're about to get married and you've never seen a mikvah or don't know what to expect before your wedding, you would like a "dry run" (oops, that's an interesting play on words) during the day before you go, not for the purposes of Taharas mishpocha, but for the purposes of being comfortable and becoming familiar with the unknown, you may get more understanding.

Quite honestly, we are an orthodox mikvah and if someone who is single said "I am single and I want to come and use the mikvah" the answer would be a FLAT NO!! We don't use our mikvah for spiritual rejuvenation or for conversions, but if you say you're frum and you're going to be using the mikva for TH when you get married, you may find more sympathy.

If you were in California, I'd take you with no problem. I'm visiting in NY now, and if you want, I'll find a mikvah you can visit and take you!


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Proud Mom of 7, MIL to 3, Grandmom of 4!
 
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mouse
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5/27/09 11:02 AM
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Ok, big difference between visiting a mikvah and USING a mikvah. I'm talking about visiting the mikvah not USING it!!!


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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su7kids
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5/27/09 11:51 AM
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Did you tell the person you called about VISITING? Usually, due to tznius issues, they don't like people who are not actually using the mikvah to be there at the time users are there, so visiting can definitely be done during the day.


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Holding on
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6/3/09 9:07 PM
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not coping anymore as there is less and less time.
i feel like noone understands me, (even tho i know other ppl. have a hard time with this as well). even my friend that i wanted to go with originally, i dont think she gets it. i feel so alone it hurts.
now, after all this, idk if going b4 will even help. i mean, i could picture the place and have heard/read enough about it. the place dsnt scare me, it's what happens and going wont help with that. i dont think anything will.
is it worth going b4 or am i just gonna upset myself more?
btw, kallah class went pretty ok. i was afraid she'd treat me differently or something after i asked her for the numbers but it was ok. B"H for that.
and when i called the mikvah - i told her it was just to visit bec i was nervous. she sounded busy so maybe she misunderstood, idk.
anyway... still dunno how imma cope...
 
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downandout
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6/3/09 9:18 PM
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I still think you should go before. Just seeing the place for real will give you an actual setting for everything you're worried about, and might calm you down a bit. Especially since you're going to go soon anyway, I think it's just worth seeing it before the real thing.
And ((((((((hugs))))))))) to you. You must be going through a really tough time now. Just hang in there!


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4702125952
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6/4/09 8:45 AM
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Some of the 'aloneness' you are feeling are actually normal. We are meant to feel alone at certain times and this is one of them. This is a mitzvah between yourself and G-d and your beloved.

Ultimately we all stand before G-d alone, after 120 years. We need to experience some of that in this world, too. You will come out stronger and surer on the other side. There are many tefillos you can say to strengthen your bond with HaShem. Do you have the sefer "Aneini"?

Also Tehilla Abramov's books, The Secret of Jewish Femininity among them, are empowering.

May your sacrifice and courage below awaken a wellspring of love from Above.
 
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gad
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6/4/09 11:41 PM
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Quote

Originally posted by: Holding on
the place dsnt scare me, it's what happens and going wont help with that. i dont think anything will.


By taking a firm stand of determination to succeed, the optimism can propell you forward.

May Hashem help you succeed to build a true Jewish home, with true happiness and good mazel.

Hope to hear good news.


Edited: 6/4/09 at 11:42 PM by gad
 
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frumsw
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6/5/09 9:00 AM
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My friend thought the mikva looked like what you "toivel" dishes in that you find in back of the hardware store until she actually went. Not frum doctors think similarly when it's pretty much like the smallest, cleanest swimming pool you ever saw. I still think you should see the place before you go, you can go during the day-be assertive with the mikva lady, it's very possible she was very busy at that moment with the doorbell and telephone ringing at once, you know how nerve wracking that can be. hatzlacha


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Holding on
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6/7/09 4:23 PM
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Ok, I'm going to make another attempt. Had a major meltdown earlier, but I'm feeling a little better now (thanks friends!). My (not married) friend said she'd wait outside for me. I'm scared bec it's all so real now. Idk how I'm gonna do it, but *deep breath* I'm going to try.

Downandout - Thanks for the hugs.
4702... and Gad - Amein. Thank you for your brochos.
Frumsw - I'm going to try again and hope it goes better this time.

Thank you everyone for putting up with me.
 
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downandout
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6/7/09 8:40 PM
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Good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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Aba
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6/8/09 10:13 AM
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Good Luck from us too.
Aba and Ema


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Holding on
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6/12/09 9:43 AM
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thanks for the good luck

i went.
my friend who i wanted to go with cldnt make it and i was sort of in a panic about it last night so someone else suggested i go with this other person who is my friend's friend. I never spoke to her b4 but i was desperate and my friend convinced me that she's a good person to go with bec she's been there done that... so i went. Problem is, turns out, i know that person. So im at a mikva feeling stupid to begin with and then now someone i would have never told knows how crazy i am, knows too much about me. I hate this. I feel like such an idiot. i hate myself.
Idk if going helped or not. I think now i just have an actual place in mind when i freak out.
i wanna cry. i wanna hurt myself.
why is this sooo hard????
 
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Aba
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6/12/09 1:54 PM
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Hi this is Ema,
I just to relay over to you my concerns for you.
I'm unhappy it didn't work out and you are in my thoughts.
{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Good Shabbos,
Ema


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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Holding on
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6/12/09 2:08 PM
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Thank you Ema. Muchly appreciated. I feel so embarrassed...
 
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Aba
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6/14/09 3:42 PM
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Sorry if we embarrassed you that's the last thing we intended.
Kol Tuv,
Ema and Aba


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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