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TOPIC TITLE: Getting Over "It"
Created On 2/26/10 1:07 PM
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great
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2/26/10 1:07 PM
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is it always a must to work through past traumas or is it ok to just deal with the issues that resulted from it?
i have never been in therapy, but this sounds so daunting-therapy or not.
why can't i just leave the trauma behind, and work on the negative outcomes of it?
 
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channafofanna
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2/26/10 3:42 PM
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i think, that if you were able to "just get over it" you would, but you cant becuase of how big it is, if you were able to leave it behind, you wouldnt be here , on this website, right?
 
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great
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3/1/10 12:46 PM
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but what's the point in bringing it all up again?
 
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channafofanna
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3/1/10 1:12 PM
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idk why,maybe to help you "get over it" for real, not just push it to the back of your mind but eal with it and really get over it (as in on top of it) ?
anywy, i think Dr. Lynn and or Dr. Price would probably be able to answer that better, and wit hmore than a guess, more experience (hey training AND are older than me (unless theyre under 16 but i doubt that..) and its their job to answer those type of things
anyway- sorry this is a weird post- im just in a weird mood
 
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great
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3/1/10 1:36 PM
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no prob that you're in a weird mood. i don't think the post is so weird though.
is your opinion based on experience or personal speculation?
 
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channafofanna
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3/1/10 3:30 PM
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im sorry, i dont really unerstand your question but...

i think everything that you say is a result of your experiences. no, i wouldnt know if that is true, i am just assuming, judging what people here say,
i dont really remember the last time i told somthing honestly and got over it was a long time a go, but about two months ago i told my therapist im off the derech , and i think it made me feel better
 
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great
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3/1/10 10:50 PM
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wow. lucky you.
when i say something, i kill myself for saying it.
closed type, y'know?
so, if i'd have to go back, relive AND say it to someone else, i'd be double dead...


Edited: 3/1/10 at 10:51 PM by great
 
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frumsw
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3/3/10 11:37 PM
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Yeah but the advantage of working things out in therapy is 1. getting to the point where you do feel comfortable opening up and 2. then you can examine issues, get support and get a different perspective. First you need the trust otherwise you can't get to step 2. Step 2 without step 1 would retraumatizing all over again.


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great
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3/4/10 3:51 PM
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anyone else out there doesn't consider therapy an option due to social stigma?
this is too hard for me
 
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Debbi
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3/4/10 9:50 PM
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sorry this is so hard for u.

my experience of trauma is that if one tries to "forget" it, it will come back to haunt you.
The trauma i suffered was over a long period of time, so it may be different. You need to get the advice of a professional about how much processing a single traumatic episode may need.

You can chek my other posts from over the years, and u will see how terribly the trauma i suffered has affected my entire being.

Ive jst come thru a difficult period, so its hard for me to write, but i will try to support u as much as i can.

i wish u much hatzlocho.

debbi. (my earlier posts were under the name Bubbles)
 
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great
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thanks loads debbi.
i did read your other posts, and i think you're so strong.
this must be way premature for you; but i'm terrified to even hear the answer of how much processing it'll take.
i'm terrified of therapy in general; stigma, bringing it back, and opening up (HARD for me...very!)
thanks for the support!
 
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Debbi
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of course u r terrified to open things up.
Who in their right mind would run to open up an old wound.
It seems though that this is the way our brains were created, so much so, everything has to be processed including the ugly things.
i am truly truly sorry that u r going thru this. pls believe me (and dr Price) wen i tell u that the only way beyond this is thru it.

Stigma? i dont know how to answer that, except that why shud anyone find out if that u r having a few therapy sessions?? I doubt its something u wud need to bring up when giving information to a shadchan. I mean anyone can go to a therapist for advice, no?
 
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great
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3/5/10 12:48 PM
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you're so encouraging. thanks.
"the only way past it is through it"
that's really my question; cuz i heard from a very prominent marriage counselor (my friend went to that it's a matter of treating the outcome (if any), not what happened in the past.
 
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frumsw
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3/6/10 10:04 PM
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that really depends on how you're doing now and what "it" was. sometimes you deal with both-you do things that my your life better now and go back and try to clean up old stuff.


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Debbi
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i believe that currently, most mental health professionals agree that "re-living" the past is not necesary in order to get beyond the pain.

However, i think that what you need to look at, is whats happeneing for u NOW.
there are questions u need to ask:
What are u feeling right now?
Why is this coming up right now?
What is the anxiety about?
Prob loads more questions which perhaps a therapist can help u with.
Its a begining, and then you can see where it leads.
I dont believe you have to re-hash every sordid, painful detail.
You jst want to understand it, and move on with your life.

So wen i sed the only way beyond is thru, i didnt necasarily mean 'relive every detail"- rather dont ignore whats happening to u now, u cant skip this step, u need to get thru this and then u can go further.

i dont know if im right, its jst my own experience
 
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great
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3/7/10 4:37 PM
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i can't really think of therapy at all; let alone everything that goes with it. but it sure makes it sound better that it's not a must to go over it.
alos, how do you come to trust some professional out there? am i the only one that doesn't trust a soul, or are any of you struggling with that as well?
 
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Debbi
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3/7/10 9:21 PM
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omg, i trust no one, not even my husband.
Abuse tends to do that- makes u lose trust in humanity.
If the therapist earns youre trust, then u might begin to trust again. Not only her/him but the ppl in your real life.
Its worth going to therapy just to learn how to trust again.
 
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great
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3/8/10 12:47 AM
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how long does it take to get to the point where you trust your therapist, and what happens to all the sessions until then?
this sounds like such torture to me, i'm doubting if it's worth it...
 
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great
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3/8/10 12:53 AM
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thanks for all your wonderful support, by the way!


Edited: 3/8/10 at 12:54 AM by great
 
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Debbi
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im sure its different for each individual client and therapist combination.

Sounds to me as though you are being tortured now, before u even see a therapist!
 
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great
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3/8/10 9:56 AM
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you're right.
i am.
i'm just wondering which one of the two is worse.
after reading all of the posts here, i just feel so... behind in this world.
like... up to nowhere in taking the first step to anything.
thanks for your support, everyone!
 
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Debbi
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why r u comparing yourself?
To whom? and about what?
give urself a break, u sound way too hard on urself!
In the end it is a relief to have someone like a therapist to listen to u, and give u their full attention whenever u r with them.
Take some of the burden u carry on ure shoulders, rest it on someone else's jst for a bit.
 
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great
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can't!
just can't!
can't ruin the image i portray (even to myself-i admit)...
if i would only be a little stronger (harder on myself???), i would have gotten over it on my own!
it just sounds like everyone's so comfortably settled into therapy, getting help, getting over things (hopefully)while i can't think of anything more dangerous... even if i should really deal with the outcomes of my past!
 
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frumsw
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In terms of image-think of the Hollywood stars....they all have a shrink! lol


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great
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lol!
you actually had me smile ( a real smile-cuz i smile all the time...)
talking about hollywood stars... well, i guess it's normal to have a shrink if you;re a hollywood star... not where i am... no one would be fond of that in my circles...
and talking about stars... yeah! that's how everyone out there views me... miss perfect. if only they would know how messed up the word perfect is!
i'm so confused!
 
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haunted
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You should just know that even in the most sheltered, frum communities, or whatever you wanna call it... there are so many ppl going to therapy, you would never believe it... They dont wanna go cuz what are you gonna think, and you don't wanna go cuz what are they gonna think... get it? Like who am I to talk, I myself have such a long way to go in this.
Also, when you read what ppl post about their going to therapy, meds etc., and they sound so matter of fact about it, you can never know what they went through until they started, how long it talk them to gather up their courage, etc. (Like if s/o would read your posts in 6 months from now and think, "hey this girl is so good and brave for going to therapy, I wish I can be like her... Yea, IY"H.) So don't be so harsh on yourself, you're human, and entitled to be...
And no, I don't think you should wait to "get over it...". The results for waiting can b e devastating, and I am an example of that. although by me I didn't go for therapy when I needed it b/c of a diff. reason, it's the same idea...
 
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great
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3/9/10 12:16 PM
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you know what? i'm not even so afraid of what other people think, cu technically, i can keep it top secret (like i do with half the things in my life); i think i'm more afraid of ruining my self-image.
and, 6 months???
i wish!
it takes me ages to think of dreaming that someone is eligible to being trusted... and eligibility doesn't mean they can really be trusted... by me.
OUCH!
can't believe i just wrote that!
thanks loads though... i do try to internalize what i read... if my brain still has the ability to do so...
 
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haunted
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Ouch... that hurt. I feel your pain, because I so know how you feel (in this aspect). and I really know how you feel about wondering if your brain can still internalize stuff...
I didn't mean 6 months to trusting someone, I go to someone for about 6 months now and you wish I completely (or halfways, or less...) trust her. I don't. what i meant to say is that after going 6 months to therapy you can write it on this board matter of factly (sort of). Yea, only cuz it's anonymous...
And about your self image, look, you know that you've got things to take care of (Not your fault), as if your self image now is what you're trying to tell yourself it is... i think if you go take care of things your self image will go up, instead of down. No, you don't think so now, and it wont happen right away, but eventually, with the right help, it will IY"H. I know it's easy to say (it's not), and so so hard to do, but I feel your pain, and for your own good pleeaase do something.
 
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great
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i have this little hope that i can still do things on my own...
dunno. don't fel like sitting down with some person and spilling my life before i trust them (if ever...).
so if there's no trust, how will i ever get through it (in order to get past it)???
so what's the point?
i could totally see myself sitting there and saying absolutely nothing.
i'm starting to feel kinda helpless...
you're very understanding. thanks for that.
 
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Achdus
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3/9/10 8:15 PM
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A very good therapist can help you learn to trust them even if you have no confidence in your ability to do so.
 
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great
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3/9/10 8:41 PM
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i wish i can... and even when i do (cuz i have 1 friend that i trust-not completely but quite a bit) i have such a hard time saying things. that's just my closed nature-not much to do with what i went through.
also, i can't seem to gather the courage to actually go ahead and find someone.
huh! i'm tired from thinking all night that i should or shouldn't and all that.
frustrating!!!!!
thanks for the advice.
i'll try to try.
 
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haunted
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You know what trying to try is also something...
You're talking about being closed... yes, closed means exactly that, sitting by the therapist the first few times and being absolutely quiet. Yes. Talking from experience. But, it DOES get easier, because somewhere deep in there there is so much pain desperate to get out, there is this desperate feeling to get everything off your chest... And if you'll get a caring, good, trustworthy (I know the word doesn't exist in your vocabulary... eventually. with good experience, it will IY"H...) therapist, you'll find yourself hopefully, yes, probably painfully slowly, opening up bit by bit. Go for it! I can see from your posts that you're really begging to go, but there are just too many things to consider... Do it, do it for yourself and for all those who care for you - here and in real life.
Yes, I know it's difficult. Extremely difficult...
 
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great
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3/10/10 12:44 PM
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no strength...
this is so far from my line (everyone around me would freak out...) that i just feel like letting it go... and cross the bridge when i get to it...
problem is, i'll feel like i'm tricking someone when i get engaged... and that's precisely whats' going on in my life now... shidduchim!
otherwise, i'd say-leave it...
my mind's silly putty!
you're really really understanding. i appreciate.


Edited: 3/10/10 at 12:48 PM by great
 
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great
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also, i actually never considered so major of an issue.
one of my friends made me aware...
i was so hurt, i knew it must be true.


Edited: 3/10/10 at 12:49 PM by great
 
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haunted
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Keep strong cuz YOU ARE!!
K, I hate saying this, but um, how do you plan on trusting a man if you can't trust anyone? Just wondering, cuz I have this question for myself... Do you think its magic, you get married and start trusting, or what? Also, are you excited to be in shidduchim, are you looking forward to get married?
 
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haunted
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Also, you wrote that you would feel bad tricking someone when you get engaged. How about doing it for yourself???
 
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great
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for myself?
i can live like this.
problem arises when i decide to share my life with someone else... (my parents would die!!!)
i don't think i'll trust anyone right away... but logic is still there telling me "this is the person you're spending the rest of your life with, may as well say something..."
if i'm excited to be in shidduchim?
i keep switching from
excitement-cuz i want to join the rest of the world (most of my friends are married)
apprehensive-find the right guy
nervous-how in the world???
anyway, i don't feel strong at all...


Edited: 3/10/10 at 1:08 PM by great
 
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haunted
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3/10/10 1:09 PM
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But you are in a lot of pain, no? sounds like you're suffering greatly...
 
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great
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3/10/10 1:22 PM
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i'm everything...
i'm nervous and spprehensive and afraid...
and jealous... why did this have to happen to me? everyone around me is oh so fine...
i guess all those sentiments amount to some pain.


Edited: 3/10/10 at 1:23 PM by great
 
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haunted
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And you know what, everyone else is probably jealous of you... And everyone else is not oh so fine... granted, some ppl do have it easier, but many many don't, even if we think they do, just the way they think you do... (Talking to myself too...) I totally know how you feel about marriage.... mixed emotions....
Also, I'm still not sure that when you get married you start trusting... Especially if you're a closed nature...
And yes, you are strong. For if you wouldn't be you wouldn't be where you are now, and how you are now, in the positive way... And you have so much hidden strength which you have no idea of... So keep strong... Even if you dont feel so...
 
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great
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3/10/10 3:41 PM
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gosh! you're good.
change your screen name to powergiver! lol!
i know people envy me... and you can't even imagine how many times my friends tell me straight in the face that they think i have a "perfect life". i sure do look like it though, and i play it well...
but, don't kid yourself... this doesn't happen to everyone.
 
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haunted
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3/11/10 10:41 AM
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You know what, you're right. Not everyone is going through this. But imagine for a minute, imagine I'm the girl sitting next to you in class, the girl you were with in seminary, the girl you work with now, etc... And you might think I'm the perfect girl with the perfect life, and look, here I am suffering greatly cuz of different issues I have... Know what I mean? You can never know who I am, or who the girl sitting next to you really is, and so can I never know who the sitting next to me is really, or who you are for that matter, for you might be the girl sitting next to me who I think has the perfect life... (dont worry, I have know idea who you are...) Anyhow, whatever... I'm writing this for myself too because this is also something I dont understand... In a way I dont think that my friends etc. are going through such stuff, but on the other hand I see so much pain by so many ppl that I just cant think that ppl have it all good...
And by the way... I also was once a girl ppl were jealous of... But unfortunately, by now, there is nothing to be jealous of anymore. (Not that there was ever... but even superficially...) Due to help that I needed but never got, and some other stuff...
Sorry for rambling... I'm in a bit of a mood...
 
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great
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3/11/10 12:29 PM
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i'm glad you're venting if you're in a mood...
that's what this formum is for... (all of us who won't vent to a person-only anonymously)
i know that "adam l'omol yolod" (a person was born to work)... so i doubt anyone in the world has it easy... some do have it harder though...
i know i'm not alone in this... unfortunately in a way... but it's still a pain-especially when the next step in life is the most daunting thing i can imagine!
i'm sure there are those who are still jealous of you... when i feel extremely messed up, i also think that no one is jealous of me anymore... but i was proven wrong time and again...
i think you're an amazing person, by the way (as per your posts...lol!)
 
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haunted
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Thanx. though by now There are no more ppl jealous of me, not that I'm looking for ppl to be jealous of me, not at all, I'ts just reflecting of the situation I am in now, if you get what I mean... Yes, it's good to vent, although I wish I can vent in real life, and have someone in the world care for me, and help me. Like last night when I spoke on the phone to a really good friend, being all jolly when really I felt like.....whatever....
And in no way was I trying to say your pain should be less because other ppl are also going through things. Not at all. Especially if as far as you know these ppls lives can be pure bliss... And the feelings of loneliness still cuts through every fiber of my being even if I know other ppl are going through things. NOT that this site doesn't help or give support, it does, very much so, and it does make it easier, but the pain and lonliness are still there... I was just saying it as a fact...
 
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great
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3/11/10 2:28 PM
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yikes. you're in a lot of pain.
wish i can help, care, and be there for u in real life...
loneliness is a huge issue for all of "us people" (y'know what i mean...)
i can be sitting in really good company and think i'm dying of loneliness... it's that feeling you can't shake!
anyway, jolly on the phone-ma'am i wouldn't call that a really good friend-just a friend.
really good friends (who are rarely existent) would probably accept your bad mood, with or without an explanation... there would be no need to act jolly (don't worry-i do that too!)
hope things get better really soon-for both of us!
 
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haunted
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3/12/10 2:06 PM
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Thanks. I too wish that someone can help me and me there for me in real life... But this does make me feel a bit better...
Yes, your right. Loneliness is an issue with 'us ppl'... I could sit in a room with 100 girls, 'good friends' included, and feel like I'm dying from loneliness..
Um, she could be a good friend, and even a really good friend. I dont think it's her fault that I'm so closed. She had no idea in what mood I was in. Not yesterday, and not in the past few months. She is not a mind reader, although sometimes I wish some of my friends were... (to a certain extent...) Anyhow, she wouldn't really understand...
Anyhow, hope you have a beautiful Shabbos!
 
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channafofanna
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3/12/10 2:45 PM
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hey, sorry i havet been on in a while, but just my 2 cence- its a lot worse when your "friend" is a mind reader but dosent try to help you - it feels much worse than when everyone thinks your ok
 
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great
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yeah, sometimes i feel like screaming really loudly "CAN'T YOU TELL I'M IN PAIN?" and then i realize that i haven't even shown it a drop.
but, most people don't have really close, trustworthy friends. it's just not the norm. if someone does have a true friend (again, that's almost inexistent) there's usually an understanding that doesn't call for pretending… or a reason for the foul mood…
get it?
and no need to wish your friends were mind readers… just a true friend who will understand without having to go through all the pain of recounting "it" all… a friend who will accept you and agree that whatever your reason is, it's valid-no matter what…
 
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haunted
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3/14/10 7:01 PM
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Hi channafofanna, glad to see u back! U have a point aboit it being worse when ppl know but dont try to help. But when it's really bad is when ppl see the results of the problem but not the problem itself...
sdk, sometimes I do wish someone would like read my mind because its the only way anyone would ever know even a bit of whats going on there... And I maybe that would alleviate the loneliness a bit... I basically live ina a world of my own, and sometimes I wish someone can know a bit of it. Even a good trustworhty friend wouldnt have an inkling of whats going on in there, if I wouldn't say, and I wouldnt be able to...
Also because every thought has a few layers... and I cant believe myself, so I would want someone to read my thoughts to tell me if what I'm saying is true... Like when I tell someone that this is what I feel, want, think etc... I'm not sure if its true, so I'd want someone to tell me if it is. Sounds weird, I know. And in real life I wouldnt want to go around having ppl read my mind, but...


Edited: 3/14/10 at 9:58 PM by haunted
 
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great
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Posts: 63
Joined: Feb 2010

3/14/10 10:26 PM
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sometimes, when my thoughts are in layers, i write them out-layer by layer (c'be more than a page...), and then try ro figure things out-try and see if that helps...
and i'm so in a greement with you about the results... why does everything have to have results?
doesn't anyone around you suspect though? your good friends? a parent or a sibling maybe (sorry if that hurt!)?
doesn't anyone think that there's SOMETHING???
oh my... you must be in soooo much pain.
people are blind... agreed?
thanks Hahsem for frumsupport-people with eyes do still exist after all...
 
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