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TOPIC TITLE: Getting Over "It"
Created On 2/26/10 1:07 PM
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haunted
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3/15/10 12:19 PM
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Good idea about writing down the layers, I also sometimes write down stuff. Problem is that there are so many layers, and each layer in itself has many layers, and while I write many thoughts come up etc... it gets really frustrating. I usually dont manage to really get down my thoughts properly, especially since I think so much faster then I can ever write. Whatever...
If ppl suspect? Siblings, parents? sure, like one little sibling telling me "noones gonna wanna marry you. You're too fat..." Or another sibling telling me, "you sit and do nothing ... you're such a ****..." k? Really, sorry for being sarcastic, it just really hurts this whole thing....(cuz understand that the little pp pick up on the older ppls vibes...) Honestly, if anyone realizes? some ppl sort of know. Like they can know I have something like ocd, but they dont think I really have it. they think I'm making things worse than it is, doing to myself etc... That if I want I can be 'normal', that I'm just lazy... Whatever... Anyhow, whatever they half know, they only know as dry facts. Not what it does to me, the pain involved, how it makes me hard to do things, the scars it leaves me with, the thoughts, feelings involved.... So thats it. Ppl just live there life, and I'm shriveling into NOTHING...
And yes, ppl are blind. so blind that they dont even know it. So blind that they have no idea there is anything else to see.... You know what, I guess so am I, in a differnet way. Thats what many ppl say (or think) at least...
 
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haunted
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3/15/10 12:30 PM
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Edited: 3/15/10 at 12:39 PM by haunted
 
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great
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3/16/10 4:18 PM
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when i was a kid-and other kids would fight with me, my mother always said "kids are mean"... oh how true.
anyway, regardless of what they say, i disagree. question is, do you want to find someone??? (no answer needed here-and welcome all the layers of thoughts...)
maybe write down whatever you can, and re-read it the next day.
i often find myself clearer on stuff when i'm outta the situation...
and no, you're not blind... or you wouldn't be on this forum. for goodness sake, where were these people when Hahsem was handing brain portions??????
 
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haunted
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3/16/10 7:54 PM
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Well, I do agree...
why did you ask if I want to find someone??
And I'm never out of the situation.... I'ts a never ending saga...
Anyhow, I'm finished. Done with. Over. There is nothing worth it... My life is one big NOTHING. Internally and externally. One big bluff. The only place where I'm ever even a tiny bit myself is here on frumsupport... and yes, in my bed when I cry for hours each night. (weather with tears or without). But its not enough.
I'm not sure what to do, what I could do, but one thing I do know,
I simply cant anymore.....
I wanna go..........


Edited: 3/17/10 at 12:15 PM by haunted
 
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great
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3/17/10 5:17 PM
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please don't go...
i'll be left alone here...
i wanna tell you that you're being a real support for me...
k?
let me know if you feel better soon. i'll be davening.
 
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haunted
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3/17/10 9:10 PM
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Thanks. I can really use you teffilos, cuz my own are....whatever...
Youre a support for me too, and thanx for that. It really means a lot...
But I wish I would have even one person in real life who would be there for me, because I dont think I can hold on too much longer like this. Really not.
I wish I can go into the street and scream and scream and scream and scream.....
Until there is nothing left of me physically, cuz in all other areas there is anyhow nothing left...
What should I do???????


Edited: 3/17/10 at 9:17 PM by haunted
 
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great
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3/18/10 4:30 PM
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having a really good true friend is something that is rare. just be aware of the fact that all those that tell you they have "very close" friends probably don't even understand that the need you have calls for a lot closer than that.
yes-screaming in the street-that sounds good-wear a mask though-cuz this world is not fond of the fact that we'd like to expose what happened...
because you tried convincing me to open up to a therapist-do you have a therapist that you trust?
yes... frumsupport friends are good-but they stay stuck on the screen (that makes me feel safe-dunno about you)...
i'll keep davening.
Hahsem listens to people with broken hearts (i think you fit the category), so don't worry about how it looks-that's ok.
 
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channafofanna
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3/18/10 8:55 PM
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its good frumsupport friends are stuck on the screen- becuase then you open up more agreed? dont have to worry about shiduchim or social issues or people thinking your a nut
also the asme if you call yitti laibel hotline or those type of things, but they do help a bit
 
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haunted
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3/19/10 2:31 PM
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Youre right that ppl dont understand that my needs are more, or whatever you wanna call it... but for these ppl the friends they have can be really good true friends, even if they wouldnt be for me... And yes, in my dreams I wish I can find one. In real life? dunno.... But at least someone to talk to a bit, someone to help take me out of the abyss I am in, because I really am drowning more and more, I'm not just saying it...
I do have a therapist. If I trust her? whatever... I'm 'trying to...', but at least I go to her...and hopefully one day... I didnt say to start off trusting her, just to start off...
Yes, obviously it makes me feel safe, and I definitely am much more open then i would ever be in real life, but it goes both ways, as you put it well, frum support friends stay stuck on the screen...
And by the way, I already have to worry about shidduchim, social isuues, and ppl already think i'm a nut.
Problem is my teffilos arent real...


 
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channafofanna
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3/20/10 9:48 PM
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"my tefilos arent real" ???? ok, i get waht your saying and i feel the same way but i know how thats really a distorted thought (as do you probably but sometimes it helps to hear things
- my school, which happens to be very prestigeous, backed by important rabbanim- basicaly, its a good school where theyre saying the emesdik(truth) things and all day, all i hear is "metoch shelo lishma bah lishmah" (if ur doing somthing not for the right reasons ull come to the right reasons)
-your talking to G-d? talking is an act, sure u need kavanah , but at least ur talking to Hashem , and thats a lot better than many other people ?( i made this part up)
-also theirs a concept of "bicharbi u'bikashti" basicaly a tefilah from Anshei kinesses hagdolah, or someone like that is like an sword (i think its this way but i might of mixed it up) so it kills the enemy (thats like tehilim, the siddur etc) , u'bikashti is an arrow, it isnt really sharp and its all how far you pull it back (ur kavavanha) so a sword, the normal davenign is strong
So basicaly- keep going!!!
 
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channafofanna
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3/20/10 9:49 PM
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oh yeah and most importantly- daven for Hashem to help you daven "real" tefilos!(i cnat belive i 4got that 1)!!!!
 
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great
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3/22/10 3:13 PM
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yups. same here. love the fact that this is anonymous.
haunted, channa is right. don't worry about the tefillos... i have this strong feeling that us fellows here have a pretty big power... fake or not.
i'm in such a bad state today, that i'd beter sign off before i rub off.
g'luck everyone!
 
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haunted
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3/22/10 3:29 PM
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Whats doing with you sdk? sounds like youre really down... u know, its ok to be down and vent here... hope you feel better really fast... we're here if you wanna talk...
and abt the Davening, yes, channa is right, but for me these things dont work. its part of my ocd, like i'll never believe that its ok even if its not real... whatever...
 
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great
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3/23/10 9:57 AM
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yes. you're right, just have a problem; i don't really allow myself to vent... that's good and bad all at once.
i'm taking a really tough exam today-and i'm a little nervous about it... and i'm not doing that great-you got a point there.
how are things with you though?
and channa, any better yet?
 
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channafofanna
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3/23/10 11:11 AM
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good luck today sdk! ill be thinking about you
and im ok over here, not great but not terible- so thats great i guess
 
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haunted
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3/24/10 5:11 PM
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I know, how it is not to vent, but didnt we agree that here on frumsupport we can? and the bad i know, but whats good about it? (talking abt here, anonymously).
How was your exam? i davened for you. (maybe in ur zechus my teffilos will be acccepted...) Hope it went well.
when you said youre not doing that great did you mean just having 'one of these days', or more than that??
Things by me?? hmm... the thing is that im so busy with Pesach now, that everything is just moving along, if you no what i mean. less time ect... but realyl thigns are still crazy, and the nights arfe still the same torture....
i think we all need our own personal yetzias mitzrayim this pesach... well, i guess all jews need one, but some ppl are in deeper pits than others...





 
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great
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3/25/10 4:32 PM
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exam went ok, and bad all at once. topics were off for me... triggering.
boy do ii ever need a yetzias mitzrayim-from myself that is...
i'm having one of those weeks... or months (turning into one).
huh!!!
 
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haunted
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3/26/10 1:00 PM
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ooh.. its so hard when there are triggers all around us, but no way to escape them bc its part of the world...
hope u have a yetzias mitrayim from the chains bounding you, not letting u be urself....
i really hope ull feel better soon. wanna talk abt it?
still firm abt not going for therapy??
how ur brain these days? still jelly? or the forest? or all together...?
 
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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
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3/26/10 1:35 PM
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I sincerely hope you are each liberated from your respective mitzrayim"s!
a lynn
 
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haunted
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3/29/10 1:48 PM
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How are you sdk? How are things going? Hang in there...
Hope you have a beautiful Yom Tov, with a real Yetzias Mitzrayim....
Let us know how things are going...
 
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great
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3/29/10 2:36 PM
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have a wonderful yom tov too!
im being happy, cuz all the little guests are around.
kids are so harmless...
have a good yom tov!
youll be in my thoughts!!!
 
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haunted
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4/9/10 4:51 PM
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How are you?
How was your Yom Tov?
enjoyed it with the little kids??
Thinking if you...
 
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great
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4/27/10 6:06 PM
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uh... in the freezer... in case you know what i mean...
 
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