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TOPIC TITLE: how can I get married and have kids?
Created On 9/7/11 11:31 AM
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chocnpeanutbutter
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9/7/11 11:31 AM
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Hi, I just joined, I'm a little nervous because of my social anxiety (I can say that, right? because no one knows who I am.) I have depression and anxiety, and about a year ago I finally started getting help (long story). Now I feel like I got sooo much better, but then I have these episodes where I feel depressed, anxious or whatever for a few days. I know people say it's something that never goes away but you learn to manage it - but I'm sooo scared- because how can I have kids if these episodes occassionally happen to me? Some of you are married with kids - let me know how it is. I am 20 years old. Also- what about getting married? Will a boy want to marry me if he knows all these problems? I haven't started dating yet but I really want to. I'm just scared how it's gonna go, you know?


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Ineedspace
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9/7/11 1:29 PM
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Welcome aboard! So you're nervous, which is okay. I'm happy for you that you're finally getting the help you needed and you're seeing progress, as you shared. It's okay to regress sometimes, we all do, we rise up and get stronger each time. About marriage, nobody's perfect. We each have our issues. As long as you're aware of them and working on them, you should be fine. And don't worry, you're "bashert" will take you the way you are, hopefully. Keep going, believe in yourself, God does!
 
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chocnpeanutbutter
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9/8/11 4:37 PM
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Thanx for the welcome. Can someone with kids now tell me how depression/anxiety affects how they deal with their kids? Also if anyone out there is a spouse of someone with depression/anxiety, I'd love to hear what it's like for you. I'm talking about someone who's got it under control but every once in a while has a relapse. Thanx!


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wishtobehappy
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9/8/11 9:02 PM
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I would love to tell you it's easy, but for me it's the pits. If you really have it under control and only relapse occsionally, then you'll probably have it much easier. hatzlacha and all the best!
 
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Aba
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9/8/11 9:19 PM
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Welcome aboard.
I think I'm the only spouse who hangs out here. B"H we are happily married and I'm sure you will one day be too.
I would love to address some of your other concerns but my brain isn't putting out anything coherent right now. The main thing to remember is keep on trying and growing.

Kol Tuv.



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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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chocnpeanutbutter
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9/11/11 2:15 PM
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Aba, that sounds good, I needed to hear that, that it's possible to be ok. Wish to be happy, I'm so sorry that it's so hard for you.


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chocnpeanutbutter
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9/11/11 2:30 PM
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Aba, that sounds good, I needed to hear that, that it's possible to be ok. Wish to be happy, I'm so sorry that it's so hard for you.


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mouse
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9/11/11 4:32 PM
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Not everyone is ready to get married at the same time....don't push the issue of marriage for yourself....When the time is right it happened for me. I was a but older (and wiser) than most of my friends and B"H I'm still married. Marriage isn't a cure to a problem. If anything it magnifies the problem even more. So don't ever think,, "if i was only married, I wouldn't be in this situation......" Being single has its advantages. You can travel to places far and near more easily without a spouse or kids. You can be more spontaneous and just pick up and decide to do something. You can concentrate more on yourself and healing from past problems more easily. Being single for a long period teaches you to be independant of your spouse and not to become a part of him (as a sole role.) Furthermore, being single for long time can provide (not always though) better financial security. And, being single for a long time can make you more confident being with most important --- YOU.


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gad
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9/11/11 11:14 PM
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chocnpeanutbutter, I have heard advice about the issues that you mentioned, so here it is:

re nervousness: when the scared thoughts come, to push them away and not think about them.

re married with kids: I know of people with the above-mentioned issues who manage nicely and are happy with their kids.

re marriage: I know of people who had these issues and are happily married.

re: will a boy want to marry you: If he likes you, and you are compatible, then he will probably want to marry you. As for the health issues, usually people wait a number of dates (maybe 5 dates) to give the other person a chance to get to know them and to like them. Then the health issue can be mentioned as part of the conversation (not as a dramatic announcement), and just a summary (without unecessary details). For example, one might say that they studied too hard in school, and overdid it, and became depressed (etc.), but now everything is fine. If the person asks for details, one can reply that part of the therapy was to forget the details. If the person asks if you are taking medication, and you are, you can answer that the doctor is being overly cautious.

Hope to hear good news.


Edited: 9/11/11 at 11:16 PM by gad
 
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mouse
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9/12/11 3:01 AM
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wb gad


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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gad
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9/12/11 11:05 PM
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Thanks

Hope to hear good news
 
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chocnpeanutbutter
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9/26/11 2:01 PM
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My father spoke to a rav who said (actually strongly suggested) that I wait till I am 100% better till I start dating. What does that even mean? does that ever happen? This rav is supposed to have a LOT of experience with people like me, so I don't get why he would say that. So now i have to wait till I am better, my father said that when I seem to have gotten to the point where I am at the best I'll get to, we can revisit the question. The only problem is, I am so lonely! I have this hole in me that i've been trying to fill with some of the women in my life. (separate story, see my post under addictions to people) I feel like I just need that someone who I am really close to and accepts me for who I am, and all that stuff. Besides, being at home totally increases my anxiety. My parents are great most of the time, but my mother has this big anxiety problem that she is kind of in denial about, and whenever she gets anxious about something, my anxiety skyrockets, like as if it's somehow my fault.
I know that you don't get married to escape problems, but I think getting married really would help me. But if people would be hesitant to marry me at this point, cuz i'm not doing as well as i could be, then i guess it's for the best if i wait. Hey - anyone know of any nice, smart guy who will accept me even with all this stuff? just kidding, or maybe not. pm me.


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Aba
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9/26/11 2:47 PM
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I relies my suggestions are going to be barely a band aid on a major wound but would a pet or volunteer work help the loneness at all?

Kol Tuv


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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gad
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10/3/11 4:42 AM
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Quote

Originally posted by: chocnpeanutbutter
My father spoke to a rav who said (actually strongly suggested) that I wait till I am 100% better till I start dating.


What does your therapist say?

 
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frumsw
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10/3/11 12:00 PM
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I hate to rain on the parade but marriage is hard enough without having to deal with mental health issues. Marriage will not always heal the loneliness and actually can make it feel worse because there is somebody there but either he is out working or in shul and you are home (with or without children) or he is with his friends, which he is entitled to do, and you have nobody to hang out with. A person has to be independent and self sufficient to a degree so they can have a healthy marriage which is about GIVING, not TAKING. Children is another whole story. I can't tell you how many times a child's problem is that their parent or their parent's marriage is problematic and untreated. No, you don't have to perfect, none of is, but a person has to have enough self awareness, self confidence, emotional regulation that their husband or children is not having to take care of them. You have a good,experienced Rav, trust him.


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chocnpeanutbutter
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10/5/11 12:48 PM
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my therapist thinks i am totally ready to get married. What the rav meant was that i have to be as healthy as possible so that guys will be willing to marry me.
frumsw - good advice, thanx. I think i'll be ok though, i have friends i can hang out with, and i'm good at enjoying my own company. It's just that i'm missing someone in my life who TOTALLY gets me, or at least is on the same plane as me, unlike my family. And yeah, i wouldn't mind the physical part, but that's just natural, no? It's not like I need him at every second.
I think i'm trying to convince myself here, because I just don't know how it will be in the future, but i'll make sure to keep in mind what you said about giving not taking. (I think of myself as a very loving person, who loves to give to and nurture others)


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Edited: 10/5/11 at 12:49 PM by chocnpeanutbutter
 
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channafofanna
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10/6/11 11:24 PM
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you sound like that kinda perso 2 me...
 
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chocnpeanutbutter
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10/9/11 2:33 PM
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thanks chan, i like that you always answer my posts.


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channafofanna
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10/9/11 4:34 PM
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np.. but i x always... 1st of aLL i usualy only have computer on weekendes...
i guess i just x want anyone to feel ignored.. also if i rply other pppl will ...
if that makes sence...i x know what myy brains doing now.... kidna feel like i ODd... but i didnt....wtvr
 
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Ineedspace
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10/10/11 12:55 AM
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Choc, how about you, do YOU feel ready to get married??
 
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chocnpeanutbutter
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10/10/11 5:20 PM
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umm, yeah i think so. but another few months wouldn't hurt. i don't know, im not thinking straight now, but usually i'm pretty sure that im ready to get married. got a HUGE test coming up tomorrow so my brain's a little occupied...


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Ineedspace
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10/11/11 10:19 AM
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okay so for now good luck on your test.
 
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chocnpeanutbutter
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10/23/11 1:48 PM
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thanx. I just realized that my test is all over the forum. wow, i guess i was pretty nervous! glad that's over. Anyway, I really appreciate the support, thanx everyone.


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