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TOPIC TITLE: Confused :(
Created On 9/25/11 9:37 PM
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depressed
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9/25/11 9:37 PM
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I'm so so so confused. I can't take it anymore. I don't understand anything, don't know who to listen to and I'm overwhelmed. Now with rosh hashana coming I'm for sure gonna have a horrible year cuz I'm a bad jew. I haven't davened properly or kept shabbos or kosher 100% in a long time. How will I survive? Do I even care if I die? I can't take it anymore. I'm stuck between everyone in my family talking about each other to me and I'm left to make sense out of it all. I can't!!!!!! Anyone?!
 
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LuYitzlach
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9/26/11 11:27 AM
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First of all, what’s a bad Jew? Just cuz you don’t do everything like everyone else, doesn’t mean G-d thinks you’re bad. Maybe he gave you more challenges than those who are “talking about you”. Maybe He doesn’t expect the same results from you. Maybe your one mitzvah is worth more than someone else’s 100 mitzvahs. I don’t know for sure and I don’t know what you’re going through but just the fact that your thinking about being good/better is a major step, which G-d should be pretty proud of!!

Second, even if there was such a thing as a bad Jew… who’s to say u’ll die? I know plenty of “bad” Jews who lived thru many Rosh Hashanas. And I mean really evil/mean/bad Jews… not just bad to G-d, but also bad to people… G-d gives people SOOO many chances…

Third, it’s written (Rabeinu Yona / Igeres Teshuva) that the first step for ppl like us is to forget the past and pretend like it didn’t exist and just be better from now on. Only once we’re better and stronger, then we should go back and repent for the other stuff. So it isn’t too late – you still have 2-3 days to eat your kosher and resolve/make a plan to do Shabbos… and that’s enough of a start to show G-d that you mean to do better and He should give you another chance.

And fourth, about dying… well dying won’t really make anything better. You’ll still exist in a conscious state whether your soul is in your body or not… so there’s really nothing to long for in that department….

Good luck!
 
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LuYitzlach
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9/26/11 11:29 AM
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First of all, what’s a bad Jew? Just cuz you don’t do everything like everyone else, doesn’t mean G-d thinks you’re bad. Maybe he gave you more challenges than those who are “talking about you”. Maybe He doesn’t expect the same results from you. Maybe your one mitzvah is worth more than someone else’s 100 mitzvahs. I don’t know for sure and I don’t know what you’re going through but just the fact that your thinking about being good/better is a major step, which G-d should be pretty proud of!!

Second, even if there was such a thing as a bad Jew… who’s to say u’ll die? I know plenty of “bad” Jews who lived thru many Rosh Hashanas. And I mean really evil/mean/bad Jews… not just bad to G-d, but also bad to people… G-d gives people SOOO many chances…

Third, it’s written (Rabeinu Yona / Igeres Teshuva) that the first step for ppl like us is to forget the past and pretend like it didn’t exist and just be better from now on. Only once we’re better and stronger, then we should go back and repent for the other stuff. So it isn’t too late – you still have 2-3 days to eat your kosher and resolve/make a plan to do Shabbos… and that’s enough of a start to show G-d that you mean to do better and He should give you another chance.

And fourth, about dying… well dying won’t really make anything better. You’ll still exist in a conscious state whether your soul is in your body or not… so there’s really nothing to long for in that department….

Good luck!
 
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chocnpeanutbutter
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9/26/11 1:36 PM
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I'm not sure exactly your situation, but I assume you are not keeping things 100% because you're in pain, and definitely NOT because you're a bad jew! Hashem knows your situation - he put you in it. He judges you based on the situation. If you're feeling guilty, try not to just wallow in it - maybe you could pick one thing to do that you haven't been doing in honor of R"H. Or, if you're not up to that, the thing that you pick could even be to maintain everything that you are doing now!


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Don't judge me, and I won't judge you.
 
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chocnpeanutbutter
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9/26/11 1:47 PM
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I don't know if this applies to you, depressed, but you reminded me of something I read once that really keeps me going, and I wanted to tell everyone. This person was a non-jewish psychologist, but he wrote about how people don't get that what we're going through is hell on earth. I mean, it's just in your head, how bad can it be, right? Wrong! And he tells a story about a man who went through concentration camps (I think maybe Aushcwitz) and he came out intact and ok. I mean obviously not ok, but alive and trying to rebuild his life. Then - wham. He got hit with major depression. And THIS he couldn't survive. He ended up killing himself. This is kind of validating for us going through this and having people think it's not really so bad. For this man, at least, it was even worse than the concentration camps. Not belittling concentration camps, just telling a story like it was!
depressed, don't let this be something to help along suicidal thoughts - this guy wasn't religious, he didn't realize that it doesn't get any better up there if the deed is done. Just realize how G-d views our suffering. He knows how bad it is, unlike the people in our lives who don't get it!
Hope this story can help someone like it helped me. Maybe it shouldn't be repeated to people not going through any of this, chances are they'll get mad about the comparison. It sounds crazy, but it's a true story.


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Don't judge me, and I won't judge you.
 
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Aba
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9/26/11 3:05 PM
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If I can add my 2 cents to the good advice already said...

I remember the Mashgiach in my Yeshivah telling us one of the strongest weapons the Yetzer Harah has Yiush, giving up, he gets us to think we are worthless and to change is never going to happen or it will only be too little too late.
However, the reality is Hashem never gives up on anyone and he cherishes even the smallest amount of teshuvah.

I have heard in the name of Rav Moshe Feinstein that only converts have to accept and keep all the mIzvos at one time a Bal Teshuvah can take it one at a time.

I think the above 2 ideas can be summed up as "progress not perfection".

Hashem want us to return, as the name teshuvah implies, as long as in general as we keep moving in the right directing He will keep the light on for us till we finally show up at His doorstep.

Kol Tuv and a Kasivah V'Chuasima Tovah


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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Ineedspace
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9/27/11 2:09 AM
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wow! alot's going on. no wonder you're feeling depressed and confused. it sounds like your the "container" of your family holding everyone's pain, as you shared, everyone's talking about each other to YOU. You're saying that you dont know who to listen to, i would say, listen to yourself. i think a good place for you to start this Rosh hashana is to TAKE CARE OF YOU. If there's no you, a taken care of you, how can you be available for God. Try to be nice to yourself. and btw, i dont believe that there's such an idea of a "bad jew". i would say a "suffering jew", a "jew in pain", but i dont think any jew is intentionally bad. God loves you; just for being you.
 
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depressed
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9/27/11 3:04 AM
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I just want to end it all so desperately! Any ideas of a painfree death?! HELP!
 
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LuYitzlach
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9/27/11 10:07 AM
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Sure. I have a very good method to die. It’s pain free and the stuff you need for it costs about $50. And it should make your brain shut off before you start gasping… It’s not guaranteed but it ususally works…

The only problem is, this won’t help you get away from your troubles. It will only help you get your soul out of your body, which is no big help, cuz you’ll still exist very much in the same way you are existing now. You’ll still look and feel the same… only it might be worse cuz then they might hold it against you for “doing it”… and they might send you back down and you wouldn’t want to have to redo all the years you managed to live by just to be back where you are now and to have to continue…. (did you ever see Raymond Moody’s movie called Life after Life? It explains this a bit more…)

Still interested in the recipe?
 
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Ineedspace
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9/27/11 12:34 PM
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Depressed, i wish i can find the suitable words to comfort you. It feels unfair that you should have to suffer so much pain. it only makes sense that you would wanna end it. i dont think it's your life you wanna end; its the pain. you just wanna see yourself done with all the debilitating pain and suffering, and that makes totally sense. A part of you wants to end it and a part of you wants to live. the part that chooses life is the part that's reaching out. My guess is that what you mostly need now is to vent, to discharge pent up feelings. You seem to be overwhelmed. i dont know much about you, since i'm pretty new here, but i do feel touched by the amount of pain you are forced to endure. I do care. Are you currently working with your therapist? is he/she aware of what you're going through right now? Sometimes it does feel safer to vent anonymously. Take advantage of this forum if you like and feel free to ventilate. But i do beleive that for your benefit reach out to your Therapist as well. In the meantime know that people out there care about you.
 
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depressed
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9/27/11 9:12 PM
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Yeah I spoke to my therapist but she's not a rabbi and can't explain EVERYTHIng and i'm jsut confused. Don't know anything-purspose or stuff. I just wish I wasn't created in the 1st place to have to figure it all out. If i die i won't have to figure anything out! Yeah I really want the "recipe" but how do i "somehow" know ur not gonna give it?
 
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channafofanna
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9/27/11 11:04 PM
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shabsi tzvi was a "bad jew" and he had a preety nice life, uh, lots of "evil jews" have good lives. if its hard it means ur earnign pts. and tzadik vira lo- so if ur getting bad it shows ur good.
how about the fact that ur "good" because ur still here, no matter how many times u seriously needed to end it? or the fact that u can wake up every day, and even make it out of bed, at least to a computer. you are a survivor!!! ur life stinks and u still manage to hang in there. ur whole being screams die, but you know what, ur here, alive!!!

lu yatzlach- do rly have a recipie? cud u pm me it? im not gonna use it (right now) i just wanna know it.
 
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Aba
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10/2/11 10:47 PM
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D,
How are you? I hope you are doing better.

Kol Tuv.


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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depressed
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10/2/11 11:53 PM
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I'm desperate for suicide! I really want to end it all! I can't take it! Can someone give me a valid reason to live? I mean I know it sounds crazy but with all this anxiety it makes me want to end it more cuz i can't stand this vicious cycle of stomach aches. I've been thinking a lot and trying to find an easy and effective way. I want the electric chair-its a pity I don't own one. Or an injection. Maybe I'll just get myself electrecuted or something.
 
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Aba
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10/2/11 11:58 PM
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I sorry to see it's still hasn't passed.
Did you tell your therapist about your suicidal feelings or did you just discuss your feelings about Rosh Hashana?

Kol Tuv.


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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depressed
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10/3/11 12:04 AM
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I discussed R"H but she didn't really help me. I NEED to kill myself!!! I must!!! i can't!!!
 
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Aba
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10/3/11 12:14 AM
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I think you need to call her and discuss your suicidal feelings.


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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depressed
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10/3/11 12:19 AM
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no I'm seeing her tomorrow and I dunno...how can she help anyways? there IS no purpose in this stupid world maybe I will call her.
 
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Aba
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10/3/11 12:25 AM
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>maybe I will call her.
Please do that's what she is there for.


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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toy123
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10/3/11 12:28 AM
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Depressed I agree with aba u have to discuss it with your therapist. You might need to go into the hospital for a couple of days but that's worth it rather than u killing yourself.....

Here are lots of (((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))) I totally understand what you're going through if u read my posts from a few months ago u'll see I was in the exact same position as u are in now. You'll get through it I promise I'm rooting for u!!!!!!!


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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depressed
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10/3/11 1:11 AM
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thanx i feel like I'm emotionally dead already how oh how will I go to school tom.?!
 
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gad
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10/3/11 4:53 AM
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I replied to your post at this link:

http://www.frumsupport.com/forums/messageview.cfm?catid=167&threadid=2530

I hope it helps.

Hope to hear good news.
 
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LuYitzlach
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10/3/11 7:08 PM
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chanafofanna and depressed, yes, i do have the recipe. but will i get in trouble for sharing it? like is there a moderator or something? and then it might be like i killed you cuz i helped/ had a part in it... no?
 
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LuYitzlach
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10/3/11 7:09 PM
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but i am sorry we are in this state. my feelings are so similar to yours!!! :_o(
 
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depressed
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10/3/11 9:59 PM
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honestly, please don't give it to me cuz I'll really be doing it! And don't give it to anyone! Maybe do give it to me...depending on my mood
 
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LuYitzlach
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10/3/11 10:34 PM
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i think you made a good choice there. about not wanting to know the recipe...

knowing how and having to control yourself is just that much harder.

the in-between step is gone. and you (I) keep punching yourself about y you're not doing it, yet you know it wont help but your so desperate so you don't wanna believe it...
 
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channafofanna
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10/6/11 11:23 PM
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not all of us are as good as making that choice....
 
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