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TOPIC TITLE: Why can't I get some encouragement?
Created On 2/8/12 2:47 PM
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HopefulMommy
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2/8/12 2:47 PM
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I'm having lots of anxiety, panic attacks, and sometimes depression, on and off. I've been doing TMS for a month already, hoping to feel normal again. It's been really hard, even the treatment itself, where I have to sit in that chair for almost an hour. That itself makes me feel stuck and panicky. I am trying very hard to manage as well as I can. I'm taking care of the kids, making meals, doing laundry most of the time. But some things fall through the cracks. When my in-laws wanted to know our Pesach plans, and I wasn't yet ready to think that far when I'm barely managing with everyday stuff, my husband told them that I'm doing TMS. I feel so betrayed. I'm trying so hard to manage, and when there is something, which is not even so urgent, I don't get to, immediately they're talking about me behind my back. My in-laws never liked me much in the first place. I don't know what they think about me now. And they are coming to visit for this Shabbos. How am I supposed to face them?

I wish somebody would notice what I am doing, and say something encouraging about how well I'm managing under the circumstances, instead of pointing out what I'm not doing and making it the topic of conversation among extended family. My mother-in-law has never been good at keeping secrets. I don't know how far it's going to go. I don't want the rest of the family to dismiss me as a case and talk about how I'm not managing.

Am I overreacting? My husband told me that the reason he told them was to take the pressure off me in terms of Pesach plans. I know they'd like to spend some of Pesach with us. But isn't there a way to do it while keeping my dignity intact?
 
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star
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2/8/12 6:17 PM
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ouch.
it hurts when you feel your trust is betrayed.


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there is light at the end of the tunnel
 
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Messed up
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2/9/12 9:30 PM
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Firstly I want to compliment you on the way ur managing. You should really be proud of yourself - even thought ur going through such a hard time, ur really keeping things together. u should reward urself a little. Way to go!!!!

I understand why u feel the way u do, I would feel the same under those circumstances. I don’t think ur husband is coming from a bad place though, he probably means well, and since their his parents and not his in-laws, to him it feels ok. But that doesn’t make the fact that they know or the fact that he just went and told them any easier for you...

I would think the best way to go, would be to just act natural with them when they come. It may be hard at first, but if you act normally to them, they'll probably act that way back, and within a few weeks, it shouldn’t be so hard anymore. It will die down, and ur mother in law will find something else to talk about. If u act embarrassed and ect.... they'll pick up on it and act that way back and I think u want things normal btw u. besides if u don’t act regular, it will just make ur mother in law talk more.

Just keep reminding urself that ur a valuable person bec ur you, no matter what ur in - laws or anyone else things of u.

Also maybe u could tell your husband that in the future, if something like this comes up again, if he could ask u first, and together u'll decide if u should do it and how? Explain to him how hurt you felt.

Don’t know if any of the above helps at all... I'm no professional and I don’t know all the details. It’s just my take on things....

I really feel for you. Feeling betrayed must hurt so much.

Best of luck with shabbos! Let us know how it goes!
 
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HopefulMommy
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2/9/12 10:56 PM
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Thanks so much, star and Messed up. It really does help.

Messed up, when I read your first paragraph, I wanted to cry. That's exactly what I need to hear. I know I should be telling this to myself. But it really helps to hear it from others.

Half of my Shabbos food is ready, and I'm feeling a bit better about this Shabbos. Hope it goes OK. Wish me luck.
 
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star
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2/9/12 11:14 PM
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wow that's really great that you are already half done!
i cant even think of how i will cope with making shabbos by myself in the future imy"h.
seems like a huge accomplishment to me!

i wish you lots of hotzlacha this shabbos, in dealing with your in-laws and
maintaining your self dignity and respect.

i tried s/t new a few weeks ago when i had to be at a family event
that i was dreading, due to some ppl there that i am extremely uncomfortable around.
my t and i decided that i would take small 'breaks' every few minutes or so,
go to the bathroom, go on the comp, go outside, etc.
and even though it seems simple, it really made the event feasible for me.
maybe u can try this... and also, don't forget to
pat yourself on the back for any "small" victory over shabbos.

best of luck,hopefulmommy!



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HopefulMommy
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2/12/12 7:15 PM
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Thanks! It went OK. Everyone mostly acted normal. My father-in-law tried to bring up TMS, but I changed the subject. My husband told them that we weren't ready to discuss Pesach yet. The kids had a great time and enjoyed their gifts. My in-laws also seemed to have a good time. I felt more or less OK, just tired. Thank you for the support.

Star, making Shabbos is not so hard when you get into a routine. You can make things in advance and freeze them. If you have menus from before, you can just follow them when you feel that you can't think straight. The only challenge is having the energy to do it. But I felt better. I hope it's the TMS finally kicking in. Or it could be the time in the cycle.
 
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Messed up
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2/12/12 8:40 PM
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I'm SO happy to hear that your shabbos went well. I was thinking of you over shabbos, and was hoping that it went ok. And I'm so glad it did!

I'm also so glad that your feeling better - and I hope you'll just contiue going uphill from here!
 
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HopefulMommy
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2/12/12 11:13 PM
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Wow, you were actually thinking of me! Thank you! It means so much to me to know that I'm not alone in this.
 
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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
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2/23/12 2:12 PM
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That's the kind of support here that warms my heart!
a lynn
 
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wishtobehappy
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2/27/12 1:55 PM
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hopeful mommy, I can totally relate to you about the in-law stuff. mine are not very aware of my issues but they do suspect something and it feels horrible to be the topic of speculation for the extended family. I always hated to be spoken about, good or bad, and this makes me cringe all the time. it's also a huge pressure for me to put on an act and lead a double life. I try to limit visits but that also makes them suspicious. I'm dreading Pesach for that reason too.
 
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HopefulMommy
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3/1/12 11:19 PM
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I also feel like I'm leading a double life, not only with my in-laws, but with most of the world. I am not comfortable telling people about what I'm going through because I'm afraid of being judged or dismissed. I don't want anyone to think I'm crazy. But it does create a lot of pressure. Sometimes I wonder if I should just get over that and be open and let people think what they think. But I'm still not ready for that step.
 
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wishtobehappy
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3/2/12 12:59 PM
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same here. I used to wonder too but when I feel better I'm sure glad I didn't. Unfortunately it's a huge stigma in our society and very poorly understood. One of my main reasons for REFUSING to go the hospital was because of my in-laws and other people finding out, at the time it was murder but now I'm grateful for it. I'd never be able to face them otherwise. I'm probably a coward for it but I just can't deal with their judgements and at the same time try to be strong and work on my issues.
 
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HopefulMommy
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3/5/12 12:57 AM
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Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. Does it really matter that much what my in-laws think? Does it really matter what anyone thinks? But I still find it very hard to take that step.

It's becoming less of a stigma. More and more people are talking about it. The big rabbis understand. The less knowledgeable people don't.
 
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wishtobehappy
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3/6/12 4:19 PM
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I don't know the answer. my therapist asked me the exact same thing today. she asked me if I would need to tell my in-laws in order to get better, would I do that? what's more important? to me, both are equally important at the moment but that might change cuz I'm getting desperate.
 
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frumsw
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3/21/12 4:20 PM
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These are tough decisions to make especially when the in-laws aren't very trustworthy. It's bad enough going through a hard time but when you end up losing your privacy too....


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