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TOPIC TITLE: I am feeling this :(
Created On 7/14/12 11:34 PM
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HopefulMommy
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7/20/12 12:07 AM
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Star, who says you're a total failure? I can relate to your feelings. I've also felt this way. But you're making an assumption. You're assuming that Hashem expects you to be X, Y, and Z -- fill in the blanks. But maybe He expects nothing more of you than to just be the way you are and accept yourself the way you are and see that as a success rather than a failure.

For myself, I'm coming to the conclusion that Hashem doesn't expect me to be fully functional, at least at the moment. And my task, and my test, is to accept that, as oppose to blame myself, label myself as a failure, or being angry at Hashem. That's my direction of personal growth. Work in progress.

So maybe if a person feels that they're not able to handle their nisayon they are making a mistake as to what the nisayon actually is.
 
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HopefulMommy
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7/20/12 12:10 AM
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Don't laugh -- I know somebody who has bipolar and who told me that she had amazing spiritual experiences during her manic states. She said that it would take an hour to make a beracha because she felt so inspired. Of course, she can't function normally in that state and is taking steps to avoid it.
 
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gad
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7/20/12 2:30 AM
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Quote

Originally posted by: star
im just trying to figure out what He expects from me, i guess.

i agree with hopeful mommy, that G-d just wants you to be yourself.

like the story with reb zushe, that he said that he wasn't worried if Hashem asks him why he wasn't like moshe, because he's not moshe.
but he's worried if Hashem will ask him why he wasn't zushe.


Edited: 7/22/12 at 2:52 AM by gad
 
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wishtobehappy
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7/20/12 2:22 PM
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In "darkness before dawn," Rabbi E. Tauber claims that G-d wants us to search for him from the depths of darkness and pain. When we find him through our intense efforts, that connection will be so much more powerful and deep because of all the suffering and hardship we needed to endure to get there. We'll never take it for granted. He uses the mashal of a marriage to explain the concept. He has other explanations for suffering too and he explains it very well. It's one of the few times I was able to digest a logical response to an emotional question.
 
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wishtobehappy
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7/20/12 2:34 PM
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star, if you love cynicism, here's some more: it's the nine days now, my favorite time of the year. No need to fight the blues. No need to feel guilty. We get a free pass to mope. Unlimited. ad naseum. We'll even get s'char for doing it.
I never get an opportunity to reach such a level of hiddur mitzvah. What could be better?

cynicism aside, I hope we all meet up in Yerushalayim soon!
 
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wishtobehappy
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7/20/12 3:06 PM
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hopeful, that friend you mentioned makes me go back to my original question about spiritual connection and feeling G-d's love. Is feeling connected real or just from an altered state (or in my case, imagination, desire etc.)? Gad claims both, but if someone is bipolar I doubt that spiritual state is real. Otherwise, I'd start thinking along the lines of our prophets being bipolar. I don't mean to sound heretical, I just need to understand it.
 
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star
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7/21/12 10:10 PM
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your words mean a lot to me, hopefulmommy.
on shabbos i was feeling pretty down and of course, blaming myself and labeling myself as a failure for falling again.
but i did remember what you wrote about my job being to accept myself, and that helped for a moment.
so thanks for your kind words- they made a tangible difference to me.
thank you gad and wishtobehappy for your support as well.


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there is light at the end of the tunnel
 
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HopefulMommy
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7/22/12 12:38 AM
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Star, I'm so glad it was helpful. Believe me, I'm working on this myself, and it's not easy. I still catch myself thinking that I'm a failure. Why is it that when I feel good and do something that is recognized as good, say, cook a meal for somebody who needs it, I feel good about myself. But when I feel miserable, and nevertheless, do something small, like ask my husband how his day was, I feel bad about myself and blame myself for not being more interested and more caring? The latter is much harder to do than the former. It's a bigger victory. So why doesn't it make me feel better about myself than the former?


Edited: 7/22/12 at 12:39 AM by HopefulMommy
 
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HopefulMommy
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7/22/12 12:44 AM
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Wishtobehappy, that's my point, that her spiritual experiences were real. She's a very spiritual person. The way she explains it is that her body wasn't ready to contain her powerful neshama, and she had to work on becoming a proper container, so that she could still have spiritual experiences without going into manic states.
 
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wishtobehappy
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7/22/12 11:24 AM
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is it related to olam hatohu where the vessels couldn't contain the light? how does one work on correcting the vessel so it can contain this level of spirituality? meds just dull it and don't really correct anythig. And does this mean that people with mental inllness have loftier neshomos? I find the whole concept fascinating. Will we ever know the real answers?
 
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channafofanna
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7/22/12 10:41 PM
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hey, this is the internet Star- you can say whatever you feel!!!
Star- you got out of bed this morning- that takes strength- and I dont know about you but without a Godly power there is no way I could get out of my bed..
 
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star
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7/22/12 11:04 PM
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thnaks, channa. im so insecure that im even dependent of peoples opinions of me , even "internet people."
i agree- its a miracle i get out of bed each morning. but its so hard not to compare, when i see other peoples
accomplishments. i feel like im lagging way behind in a race that i will never catch up with. oh right, im the only one in the race.
but still, i have eyes, even my family is way more capable then me. To them , getting out of bed being an accomplishment is a joke.
they drive without anxiety, they have families and jobs, they have friends.....i feel so incapable and helpless next to them.


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there is light at the end of the tunnel
 
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