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TOPIC TITLE: Another one -- Angry with G-d
Created On 7/30/12 1:34 PM
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HopefulMommy
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7/30/12 1:34 PM
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star
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7/30/12 11:44 PM
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wow that's really beautiful. thanks for sharing.


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there is light at the end of the tunnel
 
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wishtobehappy
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8/20/12 10:57 PM
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Thanks hopeful, I just reread the article. It's really inspiring.

I used to never feel angry with G-d because for years I was holding on to Him for dear life. I used to envision him literally holding onto my hand and walking me through unbearable situations. It was my only coping mechanism and saved me from going over the edge, but it was not a healthy relationship and caused me to have lots of guilt and anxiety. At some point when I was so flat out dead and cynical that I started doubting his existence and didn't believe in anything anymore I started rebelling and feeling angry. Deep down I still felt guilty about it and it caused me to feel even more enstranged, disconnected and dead. It was the worst time of my life. I felt totally on my own, out of control, and in terrible pain. I was a hairsbreadth away from going off the deep end. When I finally woke up, I felt a deep connection and was really relieved that he was still there for me. I never doubt His love anymore and I was able to form a healthier relationship than in the past. I do, however, still struggle with resentment and anger these days and it's reassuring to know that He's still there no matter what.
 
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8/20/12 11:09 PM
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You expressed that so beautifully, wish. I'm also trying to find that elusive balance of a healthy relationship with Hashem.
What part about feeling Hashem holding your hand is unhealthy? The utter dependence on Him?
Sometimes I think He wants me to feel that dependence so strongly, that's why He tests me.

The resentment towards Yiddishkeit I'm giving up working on till I work through core emotional issues. I can't do too many things at one time.


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wishtobehappy
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8/21/12 9:59 AM
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I didn't mean that the dependence itself wasn't healthy, but being so dependent as I was, I was always obsessing over whether I was doing the right thing or not, if Hashem's upset with me or not, because if he was upset than he won't support me any more and then I really won't survive. Or if I hurt anyone, or anybody was upset at me, I felt like he wasn't listening to me anymore etc. It caused me untold anxiety and guilt. Probably OCD related.

I also never got to develop my own beliefs and philosophy about life due to those fears. For me, personally, it wasn't from a healthy place and I think that's why I went to the opposite extreme.
 
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HopefulMommy
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8/21/12 9:18 PM
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A sign of a healthy relationship is unconditional love. Even if you do something that the other party disapproves they would still love you. That's the case with healthy parent/child relationships, and also with Hashem.

A lot of people grow up with unhealthy ideas about Hashem, even people without mental health issues. I hear this all the time. As adults, we have to put in time and effort to learn about Hashem and how He runs the world. The Rambam says that acquiring knowledge of Hashem is the main purpose of life in this world.
 
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wishtobehappy
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8/21/12 9:26 PM
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you're 100% right
 
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8/21/12 11:18 PM
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Originally posted by: HopefulMommy
A sign of a healthy relationship is unconditional love. Even if you do something that the other party disapproves they would still love you. That's the case with healthy parent/child relationships, and also with Hashem.

That's a really beautiful way to look at it. Thanks for sharing that.


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