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TOPIC TITLE: Don't want to get back to real life
Created On 8/8/12 1:26 PM
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HopefulMommy
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8/8/12 1:26 PM
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This week is the last week of summer camp. It's been so nice and quiet. I get to work undisturbed. I get to take a nap every day. And I don't have to go anywhere outside of my neighborhood, which, given my agoraphobia, significantly reduces my anxiety. It's been such a nice break. I don't want to get back to real life again!

Next week all the kids are going to be home, and I'll need to venture out of the house again. And then various family members are coming to visit, including my in-laws. That totally stresses me out. I don't want to deal with any of that.

So what do I want? I don't really want to spend the rest of my life stuck in my house. I'm on medication and have Xanax in my purse in case I need it. I know I need to at least attempt living a normal life again instead of hiding from it. But I really don't want to! How do I get myself motivated?
 
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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
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8/8/12 2:59 PM
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Hopefully, the summer recharged you and you will have the koach to be a true eved hashem!
a lynn
 
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HopefulMommy
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8/8/12 6:48 PM
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Thank you. Still feel exhausted, though.
 
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Aba
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8/9/12 10:13 AM
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(Warring the next statement may be highly triggering )
We are also bracing for the back to school shopping.

Kol Tuv


-------------------------
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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HopefulMommy
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8/9/12 12:37 PM
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HopefulMommy
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8/12/12 4:30 PM
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Just did a major part of back to school shopping, with all the kids. It was fun, actually . Everyone got something, including my little one, who got a box of play-doh.
 
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Aba
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8/13/12 6:00 PM
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Lots of Nachas.

Kol Tuv


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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HopefulMommy
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8/13/12 6:42 PM
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Thank you!
 
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HopefulMommy
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8/14/12 9:59 PM
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Feeling really anxious right now as real life is sinking in and the list of things I need to do is growing longer and longer.

I'm so disappointed!!! I thought the meds were working. I thought I was feeling better. I was hoping that I would never feel such intense anxiety any more. But now it's back. I just want to cry.
 
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gad
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8/14/12 11:08 PM
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maybe it would help if you tell yourself that you are shelving everything now, and you don't intend to do anything. and that you are leaving everything for Hashem to do.

tomorrow you can look at things again, and decide if you want to take on anything.
 
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HopefulMommy
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8/15/12 12:47 AM
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But the whole reason I'm on meds is so that I could live a normal life and be a functional adult. If I don't do the things on my list, which are perfectly appropriate for my age and family size, then I am still not living a normal life, despite the meds. That's why I'm so upset.

I took some Xanax, and that helped.
 
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gad
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8/15/12 2:07 AM
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i'm glad that the xanax helped.

i didn't mean that you definitely shouldn't do the things on your list. what i meant was, that at the time that it seems overwhelming, you can try to tell yourself that you are shelving everything. at that point in time, you can relax, knowing that you have the choice to not do anything.

then, the next day (or the next hour etc.) you can revisit the list and decide if you want to do some of it or even all of it.

so it's a coping mechanism that can allow you to relax for now. the list can stay on the shelf, and when you are ready you can deal with it.
 
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HopefulMommy
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8/15/12 3:58 PM
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But I need to make decisions now. I made a certain work commitment for the school year. It's not huge. When I'm feeling good, it doesn't seem overwhelming at all. I was hoping that after being on Zoloft all summer I'll be up for it once the school year starts. But if I'm feeling like this, I can't handle it. Should I pull out last minute? But then I'll feel that I'm giving in to my mental health issues and not living a normal life. I'll feel that I failed somehow, and let down the people that are depending on me. And what would people think anyway?

What's the line between hishtadlus and bitachon here? I very much want to do it. Normally, I would enjoy it. But I want to do a good job and not be constantly overwhelmed by anxiety to the point of barely making it. Do I trust that Hashem will help me and somehow, between Zoloft and Xanax, I'll manage? Or do I pull out so that somebody more reliable could do a better job?
 
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star
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8/15/12 4:02 PM
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I have the same struggle, hopefulmommy. To work or not to work. When I'm home, I can go crazy.
But when I work I'm always bashing myself that I'm not doing a good enough job.

As for the anxiety, is there another job that would cause less anxiety? I know its a bit late to look now, though.


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there is light at the end of the tunnel
 
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star
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8/15/12 4:06 PM
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sorry if the suggestion was annoying. sometimes im not looking for answers, i just want to be heard.


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there is light at the end of the tunnel
 
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HopefulMommy
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8/16/12 1:45 AM
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You don't need to apologize. All expressions of caring are gratefully accepted.

I'm feeling better now, B"H, and up for the job. But how do I know that I'll keep feeling this way? I'd be really disappointed if I had to give it up.

More than anything, I'm really disappointed that after making an effort to give myself a break over the summer I'm still finding myself at square one, still needing to adjust my meds and not sure where that would take me, and not feeling rested and ready for the school year at all.
 
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HopefulMommy
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8/16/12 9:32 PM
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Took Xanax again today. I feel like I'm a totally different person when I take it. But I'm scared that I'm taking it too often. My dr said that it might stop working if I do.
 
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ayelet_hashachar
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8/19/12 10:42 PM
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Adjustments are stressful. Maybe you just need a bit more Xanax to pull you through the adjustment, and then you'll need it less. Ha-shem knows how hard the struggle is and wants you to pull through. He gave you this nisayon because he knows you can handle it, even if you feel like you can't.

"But then I'll feel that I'm giving in to my mental health issues and not living a normal life. I'll feel that I failed somehow, and let down the people that are depending on me. And what would people think anyway?"

Try not to judge yourself. I've learnt from experience; it doesn't help. Practice self-nurturance. Think: "I'm taking care of myself so I can be the best me for myself and other who depend on me. And as for those who can't respect that- why should I care? I know I'm doing what's right."


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Let's just say G-d knew I had a sense of humor.
 
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HopefulMommy
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8/20/12 12:40 AM
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Thank you, Ayelet. I haven't taken Xanax for the past three days, so I'm hoping that it was just a temporary thing. It helps to know that Xanax is there if I need it. I don't feel as stuck as I felt when I was pregnant or nursing a newborn. Don't see myself being ready for that again any time soon, if ever.

Self-nurturance is a hard one. I'm so used to taking care of everyone else. I feel guilty taking care of myself.
 
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gad
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8/20/12 11:37 PM
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Quote

Originally posted by: HopefulMommy
What's the line between hishtadlus and bitachon here? I very much want to do it. Normally, I would enjoy it. But I want to do a good job and not be constantly overwhelmed by anxiety to the point of barely making it. Do I trust that Hashem will help me and somehow, between Zoloft and Xanax, I'll manage? Or do I pull out so that somebody more reliable could do a better job?

sounds like a question for your therapist
 
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HopefulMommy
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8/21/12 12:21 AM
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Don't have one. Got fed up with therapy at some point.

Took Xanax again today. It's so amazing. I'm falling in love with it . I feel so confident and competent when I take it. I feel capable of anything. Is that an illusion? What's the real me?
 
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gad
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8/21/12 12:56 AM
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Quote

Originally posted by: HopefulMommy
Don't have one.

can you ask your doctor?


Edited: 8/21/12 at 12:56 AM by gad
 
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wishtobehappy
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8/21/12 9:52 AM
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just be careful. xanax is highly addictive.
 
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HopefulMommy
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8/21/12 9:14 PM
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All my doctor can tell me is to up the dose of Zoloft and see how it goes.

I'll do my best to be careful. Thanks. My dr doesn't think I'm overdoing it with Xanax. I want to ask Dr. Price too.
 
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