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TOPIC TITLE: Excessive sense of responsibility
Created On 9/5/12 10:53 AM
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HopefulMommy
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9/5/12 10:53 AM
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I keep catching myself feeling terribly guilty for something that went wrong. How do I know when it's appropriate and when it isn't? Is it ever appropriate?

Here's an example. Yesterday, I convinced my husband to take a little break and go to the beach. We almost never do this. He's too busy. But I wanted to get some fresh air, and spend some time with him, and by now that beach is pretty empty, no inappropriately dressed women, so I thought it would be fun for him. When we got there, we spent a few hours sitting in the sun. I put sunscreen on my face and told him to do the same thing. He did. He took off his socks and shoes. I kept mine on. Neither of us thought of putting sunscreen on his feet. He got a pretty bad sunburn and couldn't sleep at night.

I feel terribly guilty. It was all my fault. I dragged him to the beach. I didn't think of telling him to put sunscreen on his feet. How was he supposed to know? He never goes to the beach, certainly not in the summer. It's all my fault.

Another part of me feels that he is an adult, responsible for his own well being, and that I'm being overly responsible. Which one is it?
 
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star
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9/5/12 11:14 AM
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I don't know the first thing about marriage,
so my opinions not worth much
but it seems to me that your
husband is an adult and is
responsible for himself and his own health.
I think it's really nice that you made time to spend together,
that so special. Anyways, you meant well and that's what counts.

but I can def. Relate to that guilty feeling, it seems to shadow me wherever I go.


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there is light at the end of the tunnel
 
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gad
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9/5/12 12:23 PM
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everything is bashert. once something happens, you can't say that if we had acted differently, it would have been different. because once it happened, it was bashert. but we can learn from past experiences for the future.

here follows a quote from a translation of duties of the heart, gate of trust, where we see that we shouldn't blame ourselves if something unpleasant happens ch"v; and we can tell the other person (and ourselves) that we tried our best, and everything is bashert.



"But the ways of trust in G-d in dealing with those above him or below him in the classes of men is as follows. The proper way to act when one needs to ask something of someone above or below him is to trust in one's G-d, and to consider them means of obtaining it, just like one makes the working and sowing of the land means of obtaining one's food. If G-d wishes to support him through it, He will make the seeds sprout, grow, and multiply, and one does not thank the land for this, but rather, he thanks the Creator only. And if the Al-mighty will not desire to supply him through it, the land will not sprout, or it will sprout but be struck by a plague, and one does not blame the land.

Likewise, when he seeks something from one of them, it should be equal in his eyes whether the person he asked is weak or strong, and he should trust in G-d for its completion. And if it was completed through one of them, let him thank the Creator who carried out his desire, and thank the person through whom it was carried out quote from. for his good heart towards him, and that the Creator brought his benefit through him, and it is known that the Creator does not bring good except through the tzadikim (righteous), and it is rare that a loss comes through them, as the sages said "merit occurs through the meritorious and guilt through the guilty" (Bava Basra 119b), and the verse "No wrong shall be caused for the righteous, but the wicked are full of evil." (Mishlei 12:21). And if his request is not carried out through them, one should not blame them, and not consider it due to their not having done their best, rather he should thank the Al-mighty who chose what is best for him in this, and praise them according to his knowledge of their efforts to fulfill his will, even though the matter was not completed according to his and their will.

Similarly, one should act with his acquaintances and friends, his business associates, employees and partners. And similarly, if someone higher or lower than himself asks for something to do for them, one should try to do it wholeheartedly, and try honestly to do the matter, if one is capable of doing it and if the person who asked of him is someone that it is fitting for him to expend effort on his behalf, and after this, he should trust in the Al-mighty for its completion. If G-d completes it through him, and makes him the cause for benefiting another, let him be grateful for this. And if G-d blocks this from him, and he is not capable of doing it, he should not blame himself, and he should inform the person that he tried the best he could."


Edited: 9/5/12 at 12:57 PM by gad
 
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gad
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9/5/12 12:25 PM
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i took the above quote from the following link:
http://dafyomireview.com/article.php?docid=380#ch3
 
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emunahdoj
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9/5/12 3:12 PM
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Give yourself credit for thinking of going out to the beach. I don't think it's your fault...sunburns and things like that happen...it's no ones fault.
 
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HopefulMommy
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9/6/12 12:32 AM
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Thank you. That helps. My mother offered to baby-sit, so we jumped at the opportunity .

Star, you're definitely supporting me here, as well as other people, I'm sure.

Gad, thank you for the quote. It sounds like a very high level. Something to aspire to, I guess.
 
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star
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9/6/12 11:00 AM
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thanks for the compliment, hopfulmommy.it made me feel really good.


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there is light at the end of the tunnel
 
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HopefulMommy
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9/6/12 2:39 PM
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Good. I'm glad .
 
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gad
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9/6/12 5:05 PM
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Quote

Originally posted by: HopefulMommy
Gad, thank you for the quote. It sounds like a very high level. Something to aspire to, I guess.

and to daven for.

have a good and sweet year
 
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HopefulMommy
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9/7/12 1:23 AM
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You too!
 
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frumsw
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9/10/12 9:49 PM
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You can feel bad that something happened without feeling guilty-same as feeling happy that something happened and knowing you weren't responsible for it either.


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frumsw
 
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HopefulMommy
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9/11/12 1:29 AM
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Thanks, that helps.
 
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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
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9/19/12 5:51 PM
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I think it was the sun's fault. blame the sun and let yourself off the hook!
a lynn
 
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