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TOPIC TITLE: abandoned
Created On 11/1/12 11:36 PM
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thinkgood
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11/1/12 11:36 PM
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Abandoned
On an island
I sit alone
And lonely
Feelings of depression pulling me down

I know why they're there
It's the pain I feel
And don't want to deal with
The hurt that's inside
That breaks my heart into shreds

Is my life worth living?
A question I ponder
Repeatedly
My emotions
Are so hard to keep under control
They need constant care and scrutiny
And sometimes I just don't have the patience
Or the strength
To be there for myself

My friends
All busy with lives of their own
Their husbands and kids
My sister
Has her own life
Busy with her own happiness

My family
Continues to torment me
As it's been for the last 20 years
Nothing changed

And what am I left with?
My anxiety
My depression
To deal with it all alone
When it's as clear as day
As to what is its cause

Is there hope?
The question fills my mind
Do I have the strength
To deal with all this

No! It's too much!
I can't
I can't
I can't

The sharp edge of pain
Cuts through my being

Will I ever find happiness
Will I ever find acceptance
Will I ever find love
Will I ever have a peace of mind
Or do I surrender now?
 
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thinkgood
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11/1/12 11:52 PM
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Death
I think about it
Would it be better
Than living this life?

Sure there are some moments of relief
But it's really tough
I just can't anymore
It's too hard for me
Too much for me
Maybe there's something I can do
To end all of this

I know I shouldn't be thinking this
But when the pains unbearable
I just do

The pain of being rejected
Again
And again
And again
A million times over

A sensitive soul
I have skin as thin as paper
Tears in seconds

Help
The roaring waters
Threaten to engulf me
Save me
Before it's too late

I try so hard
I've tried so hard
And maybe
Just maybe
Perhaps
It's time to give up?
 
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thinkgood
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11/2/12 12:09 AM
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I know I'll try again
I always do
But from time to time
I ponder
The point
The end
Will I ever reach it?

Or maybe there is no end
No light at the end of the tunnel
And I am doomed forever
G-d forbid

It's been years
Years of struggle
Years of pain
Years of tears
Years of anxiety
Years of depression

Yes there's been growth
There's been achievements
There's been success
I know
I need to keep reminding myself of that
I've come a long way

But still
My emotions are too delicate
I need to baby myself
Think every little thing though
Or else I have anxiety
Cuz the emotions get overpiled
Really quickly

I know I should be thankful
Happy to where I've come
But the pain in my heart
The empty void of my soul
Is aching
Aching
Aching
And aching
Waiting to be filled

I know the answer lies in myself
I need to fill it
And not rely on others
But it's so hard
I've been working
Piling the sand
Filling the gap
But it's so big
That it remains more empty than full

Self motivation
Is what I need
But when all seems hopeless
I don't even feel like trying

The future...
I don't know what it holds
Will I ever find a guy
Who will accept me for who I am
If I know I will
I will work on myself
Perfect myself
Be prepared

But if I will be rejected
Again and again and again
For my "baggage"
Then why invest the effort
It's just a dead end

It's a catch 22
I either give up
Or work hard and then get rejected
Which do I prefer?

I prefer to close up in myself
Block out my emotions
Thereby inviting the ants of anxiety and depression
Into my mind

No!!!!!
I will not wallow in self pity
I will not blame my circumstances
I will stand up tall
I will persevere
I will weather the storm
I will be strong
I will find strength in myself
To go on
To accept myself
To love myself
To not be harsh on myself
Even if everyone else is to me

I will find happiness
In myself
And I will find love
In myself
And hopefully
One day
Soon
In someone else as well


P.S. I hope I didn't bore you with my super long post- I was just venting and expressing my emotions- thanks for reading
 
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HopefulMommy
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11/2/12 1:44 AM
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Very moving and inspiring.
 
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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
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11/5/12 2:47 PM
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Thank you for sharing.
a lynn
 
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reach4thestars
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11/14/12 7:33 PM
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Wow your writings show that you explored every option and I LOVE how you see that the hard option, that being to look at the positive is what you chose. Because it is so hard to look at the good in life when you are stuck in the fog. But it is extremely important to look at our accomplishments and all the good. Thanx for reminding me!
 
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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
Psychologist

Posts: 914
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12/3/12 1:31 PM
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reach,
I agree!
a lynn
 
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hashemrunstheworld
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1/24/14 7:58 AM
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Hi Thinkgood,

I see ur creative. Working with your creativity will probably help ease the pain!
Your poems definitely describe some of the feelings I have felt in the past. I worry that
they will continue to come up at different points in my life.

On another note, speaking of the word "abandoned" I right away think of my
dad who walked out (parents divorced etc.) He doesn't show up to any simchas within
my family. He will 99% probably not show up to my wedding. Yet, out of the blue he is sending
me letters because he found out I went to Israel and for some reason he is
sharing a lot of his anger or throwing it at me in letters and making it seem like me and my siblings are all to blame.
I feel like cursing my father out. Why is he looking to hurt me more. Hes angry that I didn't tell him I'm going yet he found
out from his parents (my grandparents) that I was going to Israel. I know that we have to respect our parents.
Any thoughts......
 
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MoMo
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1/24/14 10:38 AM
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So sorry you're going through this.

If parents are abusive it's not so certain that you have to respect them. See this article:

http://www.drsorotzkin.com/pdf/HONORING-ABUSIVE-PARENTS.pdf
 
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gad
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1/24/14 10:58 AM
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As long as you realize that he is writing out of anger, and that you are not to blame for his walking out, then you have a good sense of reality.

Still, the letters are painful.

You have an obligation to honor parents, but parents are not allowed to be abusive, and you have an obligation to safeguard your sanity.

If you feel that to write back would be toxic, then maybe just ignore the letters.
If you feel that you want to write back, then you can ignore his blaming you, and you can just write briefly that you are doing well, and that you wish him well.

Whichever route you choose, it may help to tell yourself that your father's anger (and not his essential person) is lashing out.

Hope to hear good news.
 
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MoMo
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1/24/14 1:40 PM
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If you read the article I linked you'd see that it is very possible that you have no obligation to honor an abusive parent. Also I respectfully disagree with Gad. As bad as it sounds some parents are just bad people. period.
 
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gad
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1/24/14 4:18 PM
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Every yid has a yiddishe neshomo which is essentially pure, even if the actions aren't.
Have a good Shabbos
 
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MoMo
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1/26/14 11:40 PM
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Even though deep down everyone is good and pure, people can sometimes act in mean and horribly bad ways unfortunately. We can't pretend that people doing evil are good people. Yes deep down they are good but we need to hold them accountable to not act on their bad and evil impulses.
 
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gad
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1/27/14 5:52 AM
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What do you mean by "we need to hold them accountable"?

If you mean that one needs to defend oneself, I agree.
If you mean that one needs to judge them, that's for G-d.

In general, when someone is abusive, then besides the importance of protecting oneself and keeping a certain distance, a very helpful strategy is to not even think about the person, and to transfer one's thoughts to other topics.


Edited: 1/27/14 at 5:54 AM by gad
 
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alharro
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1/27/14 4:41 PM
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hi thinkgood

what a great warming poem - puts life into a new perspective - very talented !! keep it up
 
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hashemrunstheworld
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2/16/14 10:53 PM
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I wanted to thank those that took the time to respond to my message and offer insight to my situation.
 
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gad
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2/16/14 11:07 PM
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You're welcome.

Are you still in Israel? How is it going?
 
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