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TOPIC TITLE: Next book idea: dysfunctional families
Created On 9/1/13 5:36 PM
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HopefulMommy
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9/1/13 5:36 PM
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So now that my book is almost finished I'm starting to think about what to do next. I'm thinking that the frum world needs a book for children of dysfunctional families. Here are some questions that I would like to research and shed some light on: is it possible to overcome a dysfunctional background to the point of no longer being triggered by an abusive parent? What happens as abusive parents age and need help? Is it possible to give to and take care of an abusive parent without sacrificing one's own sanity and well-being? Is it possible for abusers to change? What goes into the making of an abuser, and what can we do as a community to make sure that our children don't become abusive parents when they grow up?

Any thoughts, suggestions, questions to explore, relevant sources to look at, people to talk to? Would you be interested in reading a book like that?
 
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Mimi1022
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9/1/13 7:11 PM
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Those are some very good and thought-provoking questions.

Besides for family members themselves, have you ever thought of getting expert opinions on the matter (ie mental health professionals)? I would also be very interested in what they have to say on the interplay between various problems and an abusive past.

Best of luck by the way, it sounds like a great topic
 
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MoMo
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9/2/13 12:20 AM
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All I can say is that people simply don't believe me that my mother is a cold hearted heartless person who cares only about herself. She will deliberately crush me to make herself feel better than me. She is a manipulator. I don't know anyone as hurtful as she is. People simply don't believe that such a thing is possible!!

It is possible!!!!!!!!

Dr Sorotzkin has a website with great articles about this -check out out.
 
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HopefulMommy
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9/3/13 1:05 AM
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Thanks for the feedback! I've read Dr. Sorotzkin's articles several times. Definitely a good resource. Miriam Adahan also has some good stuff on her website.
 
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keep climbing
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9/3/13 5:11 AM
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Just show me one person who emerged from that kind of background in one piece.
For that alone, your book will be worthwhile.
 
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MoMo
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9/3/13 8:15 AM
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Make sure to read "the Drama of the gifted child" it's a classic on this topic.

Some other resources:
"Toxic parents"
John Brashaw's books
For a book about emotional neglect (as opposed to abuse) get the book "running on empty".
 
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keep climbing
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9/3/13 10:40 AM
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Thanx, Momo.
You know, when I read thes books, I feel validated. But I also go thru gehennim of pain.
So I only touch them when things are very quiet (like summer, for me.)
Maybe you can give me an inspiring summary, without the pain.....
 
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MoMo
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9/4/13 7:10 AM
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Yeah I know what you mean these books can be gut wrenching...
 
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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
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9/9/13 3:31 PM
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Yeah!
Momo- considering you are the "product" of such a sadist, I consider it such a victory that you are so compassionate and supportive to others. I hope you are equally loving to yourself!
a lynn
 
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Holding on
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11/9/13 9:46 PM
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My father was verbally/emotionally abusive. While I was living at home, knowing a large part of the reason he was acting that way (with therapist's help) didn't help bec I was younger, still living at home (hearing it constantly) and it hurt like hell.
Now that I am B"H married, however, and the abuse has basically stopped (lost his control/grip on me), now is when the knowing the reason can help a bit bec I now have a pretty good relationship w him b"H and the anger that I felt towards him dsnt continue to eat at me.
Looking back at my life b4 I was married and living at home, it just makes me more sad than anything - the years I suffered, the effect it had on my self esteem/self image, the wasted years of having a better relationship...

idk if any of this was helpful or if it even made sense to an outsider who dsnt know my story... but this is just part of it.
 
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star
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11/10/13 7:37 PM
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this thread makes me scared of ever having kids....what if c"v i turn into an abusive parent?nobody wants to be abusive, right??


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there is light at the end of the tunnel
 
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channafofanna
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11/11/13 6:15 AM
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i know.. i feel the same way (but not cuz this thread) im so scared my kids might possibly have to go through a quarter of the pain i have...
 
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keep climbing
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11/11/13 9:47 AM
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I'm sure that you won't be abusive parents. Having been thru so much yourselves, you will be supersensitive to your kids, I think.
Anyway, yes, kids do have pain. Pain is part of life. We can't totally protect them.
 
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frumsw
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11/14/13 8:39 PM
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The difference between an abusive parent and one who isn't, is not that the one who isn't, never yells or loses control but they get help to do it better next time. I think by virtue of somebody being aware that this isn't the way to be, they'll be alert to spot a problem and find a solution.


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frumsw
 
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keep climbing
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11/15/13 5:13 AM
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Hopeful, how are you doing? We miss you.
 
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channafofanna
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11/17/13 10:00 AM
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I like that FrumSW. thanks... im gonna save that... it didnt register till now...


Edited: 11/17/13 at 10:01 AM by channafofanna
 
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mentch
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11/28/13 12:32 PM
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Hi everybody
I really enjoyed your posts
My parents also weren't easy people to get alone with when I was gr
owing up
but I can tell you this It doesn't pay to blame your parents for anything
This is an example of a nisayon and Rabbi Nachman explains that one should not kick back if Hashem gives him a nisayon
According to Mesilas yesharim that is the whole pointf one's life is to be omed benisayon which essentially will give Hashem ability to do good to this person's neshama So let's remember that the good is coming either way The question is just what kind of attitude we take while we are on the road there
I also saw a strategy on this subject from the Satmer Rebbe z'l who explains pshat in Rashi that Yaakov Avinu didn't learn while he lived in Lavan's house refers to Lavan's mideeds of ramaus and Yaakov said that he couldn't learn from Lavan's actions to turn them over into mitsvos, to use the same strategy for good instead of bad. From here we see the attitude to have during the nisayon is to try to use it for avodas Hashem.
I hope this helps
Thanks
Good luck
BD


-------------------------
Mentch
 
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HopefulMommy
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12/17/13 2:00 AM
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It's not about blame. It's about recognizing what went wrong, and making appropriate changes as adults, in the present.
 
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Lasthope
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12/17/13 6:07 AM
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Such a great idea for a book like that. Yes, we need it so badly. Hopeful, when is your book "from the depths" coming out? is it out yet?
 
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HopefulMommy
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12/17/13 12:06 PM
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Not out yet. IY"H will keep you posted. Apparently, it takes a year for a book to come out. At the moment, it's waiting its turn to be edited, and I was told that it would take several months.
 
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Lasthope
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12/17/13 12:11 PM
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wow, hatzlacha
 
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HopefulMommy
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12/17/13 12:14 PM
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There was an article in Binah magazine recently, an interview with a rebbetzin, a daughter of a gadol. She talked about growing up in Gan Eden. Apparently, that's what her childhood home felt like. And then she said that she finds it strange when people analyze their parents and that in her circles it's unacceptable. Well, if you grow up in Gan Eden then you don't have to undo any damage. But for the rest of us, the first step in undoing the damage is recognizing it. And part of healing trauma is admitting trauma. Can a person who was, say, in a car accident, heal from the trauma if everyone around him claims that the car accident never happened? Same with growing up in dysfunctional families.
 
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Lasthope
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12/18/13 10:46 AM
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What is unacceptable in her circles?
Of course, that's why this book would be so helpful. Those of us who didn't grow up in Gan Eden (and some of us actually grew up in Gehenom) need to face the past and then heal. The biggest problem in the frum community is lack of awareness, of closing ones eyes to what is going on in many homes, of not supporting therapy enough.
 
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keep climbing
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12/18/13 12:24 PM
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Agreed. But things ARE beginning to change.
 
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keep climbing
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5/18/14 10:16 AM
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Hopeful, I'm looking out for your book....When is it coming?
Lasthope=any support groups in the NY area that you know of?
Not expensive, because I'm already spending a fortune on my mental health.
 
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