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TOPIC TITLE: open letter to mother
Created On 2/2/06 2:05 PM
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bubbles
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2/2/06 2:05 PM
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Dear mommy,
I write this letter knowing you will never read it. I will not send this to you because I know how much pain it would cause.
I dont want you to suffer any more than you have already.

You see:
I care about your pain.
I care about your suffering.
I care about you.
You are my mother,
and I care.

The reason I choose to write to you now is to ask you a question.
I know I will not get a response, but perhaps just the asking might serve to relieve some of my pain.

Mommy, why have you chosen to stop speaking to me?
Why?
You are my mother.
Do you remember that at all?
It does not seem to have any impact on you.
Okay I know I am not your only daughter, you have plenty more...but... do I mean so little to you that you can wipe me out of your life so easily?

Lately I have been wondering.
Questioning myself.
Is it not I who should have stopped talking to you?
Is it not I who should be angry with you?
After all you are my mother. You were meant to protect me. Defend me. Shouldnt you have been there to stop daddy from creeping into my room at night? And if you chose not to stop him shouldnt you have been there to comfort me?

To hold me?
To dry my tears?
To tell me that you will save me from the horrors of the night?
To wipe up the mess in the bed afterwards?
To give me a warm bath?
Scrub away the dirt on my skin?
Make me feel clean.
Soothe away the pain?
The fears?
The sadness?
The sorrow?

Don't you think thats' what mothers should do?
Why can you not face reality?
Why are you hiding?
burying.

It hurts mommy, to know that you do not care enough.
It hurts so much to know that you doubt my experience and that you fail to realise the terrible consequences I have suffered at the hands of your husband.....daddy.

I know that he has caused you to suffer too.
I saw your pain.
I still see your pain.
Even as a child growing up I remember trying to protect you from daddys narcisism. His self absorbed behaviour, only caring about his own needs, his own feelings.

How did you cope mommy?
How did you raise all those children on your own?
We were always so well dressed and well behaved. The perfect family wern't we?
Living in the perfect house. which was always spotlessly clean and well decorated.
We were the show piece of the community.
A beautiful house.
Gorgeous children.
Wonderfully caring parents.
We had it all.
Except for our little secrets we just really had it all. We probably should have been on the front cover of PARENTS magazine. People believed that we were this beautiful family with no problems.
I guess they couldn't see daddy's footprints on my bedroom floor.
Nor could they see the imprint he left on my bed, or my sheets.
They never noticed the terrible imprint he left in my brain.

You really were alone wern't you? He was never there emotionally, neither for you or for us. And then he even crossed the line and came into my bed instead of yours.
As I write I am begining to understand a little, about how it must feel to be betrayed by your husband. Probably not as bad as a father, but still right up there on the scale.

How do you feel mommy?
How can you feel knowing that you could not protect your own child from being sxually abused in her own bed whilst you slept peacefully in yours?

How could you feel?
How should you feel?
How do you bear living with this knowledge?

I know how you bear it. I will answer my own question. I know how you cope.
By pretending it never happened.
By allowing yourself to bury your head in the sand.
By pushing away the truth.

And the only way you can do it, is if you say that I am lying.
You see if I am a liar, then you can continue to live with an abuser. Continue to sleep beside him, take care of his every whim and pretend and pretend and pretend.
And if you choose that way of life, then you cannot talk to me, because then the truth will knock you on the head and cause you pain and emotional suffering.

Your strategy is to say that I am crazy and that daddy is a wonderful loving father. Every one else believes he is a Ben Torah, steeped in learning and Maasim Tovim. The rest of the community sees him in shul every morning, watches him give Tzedoko, daven before the Omud, learn with a Chavrusa, and smile and shake everyones hand, and say a hearty good Shabbos.
If the whole community distorts the truth why should you mommy not distort it too?
Ignore me thats the best attitude.

Ignore me and perhaps your reality might eventually dissapear.
Ignore me so that you can continue to distort the truth.
So that very soon the truth will become lies and the lies become truth.
Pretty confusing I must admit.

I write to you and tears fall freely from my eyes.
My heart aches.
My soul yearns.
For your touch.
For your compassion.
For your gentle voice in my ear.

I love you mommy.
I wish things could have been different.
I wish you could love me the way I love you.

Even though I am married with a family of my own, I still need a mother once in awhile.
I still need a hug.
A kind word.
A phone call.

I need you mommy.
I say it, but I am angry at myself for the mindless need.
Why do I need what I cannot have?
Why do I want what can never be?
Why?

Hashem I turn to you and ask: Why?
Why?
Why?

Mommy dear, I will not send this letter.
The words are here on this paper.
The words move around in my brain, until they become a part of my being.
I will continue to live, and breathe without you knowing of the pain I suffer.

And when the pain becomes too much to bear, I will take out my siddur and turn to my real father in heaven.

And I will ask Him for the compassion and kindness I seek to help me through the day.
 
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ernie55B
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2/2/06 2:55 PM
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B, one of the most moving letters I have ever read.
Why don't you send it to your mother?
I bet that deep down she knows the truth.
There is no way she cannot.

Let her know how you feel even though she chooses not to
acknowledge it.

There is a justifiable rage inside you towards the mother who
failed you.
You have a right to let her know about it.

E
 
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silent
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2/2/06 9:43 PM
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Dear Bubbles,

Your pain speaks to me and reaches a very deep chord.

Bubbles, I am speaking from a point of pain myself, and from my own experience of pain. Please don't take my response as an aswer or explanation to your questions and confusions. I'm sure any therapist would tell you that your mother may be wrong for sitting on the sidelines and watching her daughter's life stripped from her through the hands of her own protector.

I am a mother who was miraculously given the strength to save her children from this very real danger. I say miraculously, because the process of blindness and confusion and my groping in the dark happened so quickly, that it was difficult for me to fully recognize the real risk my children were facing every moment of their lives. It took me some shaking to realize that what was happening in my own home was actually what goyim go to jail for - (through the help of therapists, appropriate action was taken by 'the authorities'). Eventually, I somehow found the inner 'permission' it took to save my children (and myself) from the actions of their confused protector. Indeed, at the time, I did not even realize what a lifesaving act my difficult action was.

I am not trying to excuse your mother for her mistakes and for her greatest mistake of choosing to lose you, but I am trying to put a humane face to the continued added suffering which your mother is so sadly a part of.

I wish for you that your mother should gain the great strength that it will take her to embrace you and embrace you together with all of her mistakes which are living inside of you. By embracing you she will embrace her past, her role, and perhaps begin her own path to healing. Oh how I wish that you can have back the mother which you long for. How how I wish that your mother can find herself so that she can find you.

Bubbles, may Hashem grant you menuchas hanefesh with all that it takes and whom it takes to get you there.

Love,
Silent


Edited: 2/3/06 at 2:15 PM by silent
 
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bubbles
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2/3/06 1:45 PM
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Thank you Ernie,
As usual I can count on your unbiased support.
I appreciate your suggestion about sending the letter to my mother. I can't though. She is not capable of reading and responding appropiately.
It is the sad truth.
Probably something I need to accept.
I dont want to though.
I dont want to face the truth. Much like my mother arent I? Not willing or capable of facing the ugliness of reality.
i am a survivor, and survivors are stubborn.
I stubbornly refuse to face and accept the truth about my mothers limits.
I refuse at my own expense.
At the expense of becoming depressed and suicidal.
You see I know all this. I can see myself outside of myself. I see myself from the view point of a therapist. Logical. Analytical. Understanding.
But my feelings?
Oh my horrible feelings.
My feelings betray me time and again.
If I could but get rid of those feelings which drive me to destruction, i would be okay.

I dont know where I go from here.
How I deal with this...my life?
Where?
How?
Who?

I wish someone could help me.
 
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ernie55B
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2/5/06 12:05 AM
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Hi B,

I have been sitting here thinking for a long time for some sort of response that will make a difference in how you feel.
But so far nothing.
No great insights into what you are supposed to do with those awful feelings.
Just this. You are human. Humans have awful feelings that sometimes don't go away.
But sometimes you have good feelings too, I'm sure.
There must be times when your kids make you smile and happy to be alive.
All you can do is accept the fact that there will be days that the lousy feelings will overpower the good feelings.
Maybe don't FIGHT the feelings so much. Is this making any sense?
Just have hope that as time goes on, the better days will outnumber the lousy days.

I'm sorry,B, this is the best I can think of. Maybe it's dumb, but it is sort of what my T is trying to teach me
to get over some of my lousy feelings.

I think after 18 years I should be over (not forget, but get over) the loss of our baby. But today is 7 Shevat, the day she was born and died.
I have yet to get over it. I still mourn for her.
So instead of chastising myself for not being able to get over something that happened so long ago, I have to accept it as
part of being human. A human who is very sensitive and has very deep feelings.
So my T wants me to accept the fact that it is OKAY to feel awful sometimes.
But at the same time to remember that there is hope for the better days (which I define as a day that I didn't think about dying even once) to become more frequent.

I did not bring up my sad story to match yours. It's no match.
What you went through is way more awful than what I did.

But maybe, maybe, you can get a sense of what I am trying to say here. I am probably not expressing
it correctly, and when I figure out how to say it better, I will.

In the meantime, I hope I haven't made you feel worse.

Keep the faith Bubbles, keep the faith.
 
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bubbles
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2/7/06 9:54 PM
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Hi Ernie,
sorry for the delayed reply, Just got your msg now.
Thank you very much for your well thought out reply. No you have not made me feel worse. Only better.
alot going on, so I'll keep this short.
Hope all is turning out well.
B.
 
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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
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2/8/06 12:20 AM
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Seeing our parents for who they really are sounds very easy, but it is often one of the hardest things.
A Lynn
 
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ernie55B
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2/8/06 7:49 AM
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Hi B!

I will be out of town a few days, so I can now go away feeling a bit more at ease.

Thanks,
E
 
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Torsalicious613
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2/8/06 11:28 AM
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hi guys, it's me. bubbles, my father is very similar to yours in the fact that he did not abuse me in the way your father abused you: he used his hands to hit and push and shove with a lot of pent up rage and anger exploding on to a young child: a young girl, who was me, who was not mature enough to handle the blows he delivered to my body and my self esteem. he denies, denies denies denies. he started a school with his father's money, so the community thinks he's perfect: i'm the one with the disease: i'm crazy. crazy old atara living in her father's pefect home. how he's doing her such a favor: paying all her doctor bills from her trust and custodian accounts that her grandfather set up for her before she was born. how you treat this poor misguided girl so well. yell, forget. push, forget, shove, forget. my mother is in denial as well. they have learned good things from one another after all these years after my break, but they have also learned to share a bond: the hatred of their first born daughter atara. atara must go on every day, and be her family's perennial mother. atara never matters. atara doesn't matter. the world matters. atara must be the world's mother before she even knows (or knew) how to take care of herself. somehow i don't see why this is fair. do you? will my father realize what he's done before he dies? i don't think so. he denies, he denies, he denies, and i believe he will take his secret to the grave. use his finnesse, his charm, his chasrisma to weasel out of tough situations, as he's always done and has learned to doso well from a young age in a family of six where his father was never there, and his mother hit him to discipline him, as her parents did to her, and so on and so on, probably as far back as it goes. european way of life? maybe. but we live in AMERICA right now not EUROPE. and guess what? it's 2006, not 666 a.d.

sad and confused and bewildered and used to the idea that some things do not have hope and never will, or should,

atara

p.s. bubbles i feel your pain. i was not abused in the way you were, but i believe it's just as bad, if not worse. you have a family and are away from your poisonous house. i still live here and am subjected to it every day. poor me, right? no, i am serious. every day i go home from school i dread it, dreading the odorless tasteless invisible poison that permiates my lungs body and being as i go home, vapors that seep through the streets and find me, and use their incredible powers to seek and find and bring and trap me into my home. my mother wants to send me away: i want to live on my own, but she's getting almost as sick of me as i am, of her. and my seemingly "good" relationship with my dad is crumbling. my mom wants to send me to a nut house, so i can learn responsability: not a jewish one though (since there are none in my area..) i believe though that my moim just wants me out of her hair, so she doesn't have to deal with the harsh reality she's created: the creation and demise of her firstborn daughter atara.

a.s.


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what the hecka is a signiature?
 
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Torsalicious613
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2/8/06 11:29 AM
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bubbles, i do not wish to belittle your pain. i just wish to express mine as well, better, worse, or neutral.

atara


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what the hecka is a signiature?
 
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Torsalicious613
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2/8/06 11:30 AM
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(in comparison to yours)

a.s.


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Torsalicious613
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the abuse i had does not have a name. i wish it did. then i could label it, get used to it, and move on. bubbles, be greatful, i'm not saying you're any better off than me, but at least you have a name for what it was that your father did to you. and now you can grieve and move on. i'm not even sure with me the abuse has stopped yet. or if it even has a name. emotional manipulation 101. that's the story of my life. maybe now i have labeled it i can realize it, call it for what it is and move on as you have done. as long as i'm living at home, though, i'm not quite sure it will ever stop. i just turned 23 on sunday. no birthday cake. just a superbowl party for my brother. criticism for who i choose to date and socialize with from frumster and jdate. never a kind word, always harsh, cruel, mean criticism. from my mother. indifference. from my father. do i matter? do i count? does anyone ever care what happens toi me? NO! and as long as i'm living under my father's roof, it will stay that way. i need to move out, but i'm still in school and i don't have the money. bubbles, what on earth should i do? ernie? ima? these kind of things mak me want to end my life: OUTSIDE circumstances. NOT INNER ONES. if i lived on my own NOT with my parents and NOT in a loonie house where my mother wants to send me so i can "learn to live on my OWN", i would be much better off, and i believe, happier. my trainer agrees. i cut my hair recently to look nice for a shabbaton i'm going to myself. my mom had a cow (i just angled it in the front and cut my bangs straight: they were getting in my eyes, i want bangs, my parents do not want me to have them..) so the color i was going to get for my roots and a hair cut and blending the cut and color and or curls with the 100% human hair extensions i bought myself with my OWN money, will have to come out of my own pocket: not hers (well, really it's my fathers', my mother's flat out broke without him-- but loves spending his money). it will cost $130 dollars. i have the money, but it's about all the money i've been saving up from my one day of work a week at aish. we are definitely nopt poor: but my friends seem to have more money than they can even dream of or deal with and their famillies are not half as wealthy k''h or well off as we are (or as, well, my grandfatrher left us before he died..) why do my friends havew more money than me. they don't even work! they go to SCHOOL like me! they're more responsible? PISH POSH. i can beat them in a responsability contest any day. but that's not the issue. i'm a 23 year old female looking to leave home who needs money to survive. that's it. is that soo horrible? i don't think so. but i think living at home at this point is. well, guys, you've had a glimpse into my life, what do you think? gtg to class, bye

atara


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Torsalicious613
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2/8/06 11:50 AM
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p.s. i never knew being a 23 year old girl could hurt so much.

atara


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Debbi
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2/11/06 10:35 PM
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Atara,
you sound as though you are in a tough situation.
I dont have any answers, although I imagine that moving into your own palce would be a great idea.

Doesnt your mother realise that you are 23 and not 3???
Color your hair for goodness sakes, whats it her business anyway? Just b/c u live in her house doesnt mean she can tell you how to wear your hair or what kind of toothpaste to use for that matter!!

good luck atara,
and let us know how the hair comes out.

Debbi
 
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Torsalicious613
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2/12/06 5:10 PM
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thanks, guys. (specificallly, debbi!) my hair color came out good, although the cut's not so great. hey, it's hair. it'll grow, right?

atara


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Debbi
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2/12/06 8:20 PM
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if its not a sheital which costs $3,000, then yes youre right...hey it'll grow!!

glad the colour came out good.

Good for you atara for sticking up for yourself and doing what "you" wanted.

debbi
 
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Torsalicious613
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thank you!

atara


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Stronger
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2/19/06 1:44 AM
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Dear atara,
I grew up very similar to you. I had an abusive father and mother who tore me down emotionally and physically. When I was about 18 the physical abuse stopped but I think emotional abuse is so much worse. I thought I could bring myself out of unhappiness and filled my life helping others and looking to get married to someone who didn't resemble any of my family members. To make my own new family filled with love and respect and wonderful and spiritual Shabbatot. My husband turned out to be just like my parents and there was physical abuse as well as the worse emotional abuse I can explain. All the work I had done to fix myself from my parents came undone very quickly. But I stuck with it and we went from therapist to therapist. after 8 years, I was no longer a person. He had (has) more emotional problems then books on my bookcase. We divorced. Much like my parents. Hashem heard my cries and sent me the most caring fabulous therapist through a friend I didn't see since I had gotten married. What I learned from her is what I want to whisper in your ear, atara. The only way to become a healthy person is with much guidance from a very capable therapist or social worker. I realize how muc you want to get out on your own and that is very important. Right now, from where I'm standing, It is much more important for you to find the help you need to become a healthy, emotionaly OK , strong Jewish woman. Or God forif you'll find yourself substituting one source of abuse for another. one of the things I learned for my T is that Abusers can sniff out people to hurt, to latch on to , to take advantage of, EVEN if they have never done so before. My ex was a wonderful loving caring person who had been abused also and sometimes these things only come out after the wedding. I do not hate anymore. I feel tremendous sadness for my parents because just as you said, they suffered at the hands of their parents. As for my ex, He is a sick man who does not realise the depth of his illness. I can not heal my parents, and yes they are still whacked. Whay I'm trying to say is don't just "get out" Get better. Be able to see anything remotely "off" in a future mate. If you have found and actualized your inner strength, you are very vulnerable. I also learned and am now able to say honestly that Hashem gives a person suffering for them to come out fighting with both fists. I was put in my life situations for a reason and so are my kids ( I have two) I am stronger now than I have ever been in MY LIFE. My belief and faith and trust in God is stronger then ever. I have read every self help book in B&N, talked to friends till blue in the face and found a therapist who saved my life, and in turn, my childrens lives. While I was going through my horrors of life, I never told a soul. Even during my marraige, I left out some key issues to the therapist. I was ashamed and humiliated. DON'T BE!!!! Tell someone you trust, even if its a friend who can just offer an ear. DON"T BE AFRAID. It is your ticket out of Hell. And even though you must think Hashem isn't hearing you, He is and keep davening. I find for myself, that davening Maariv, alone in the quiet of night I am able to focus and pour out my heart. What you are going through will not go away even after you've left home, or marry. I hope this can be of some help.

Hashem should hears all our cries and end the suffering
 
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Torsalicious613
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2/20/06 11:02 PM
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so..let's see.. you don't think i should get married now, even though all of my friends are? you think because i am unhealthy right now, i might attract unhealthy people? this may be true. and you're probably right, my problems won't just "disappear" after i get married even though i would want them to. i actually saw a spiritual healer who visited my neighborhood from israel. my supervisor at aish arranged a consultation with him. i am not one to easilly latch on to "ooga booga" stuff, and this guy was very strange. his name is elan feldman. ever hear of him? he made these weird faces and yawned a lot and used his hands. he said he was "healing" me. he also said i was a healler, and in 15 consecutive past lifetimes i healled people. he said i was also a shyman in jamaica. whatever. anyway, he said right now in order to heal other people, i have to heal myself first. he said i have a lot of emotional "blockages" and he suggested spending the next two yeas to get all my emotional junk out of my system before i enter into a relationship. i named all the guys i was ever involved with and asked how good they were for me. he said one was 5%. one was 10%, 20 and so on and so forth. the guy i'm seeing right now rakned in at a whopping 30% but i guess that's not a lot. i still have a lot of spiritual growing to do, and i'm sure right now i will just attract losers who see that i'm vulnerable and hurting and will want to take advantage of me. but all my friends are married. should i just sit around while all my friends pass me by? it's so easy to get in a relationship when you don't want to be hurting anymore and you don't want to be alone, even if it's not so good for you. well, i have to go to bed. hope to hear some words of advice.

atara


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what the hecka is a signiature?
 
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ernie55B
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2/27/06 7:13 AM
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Hi Atara!

Hope you are well. Want advice?
Don't waste any more time or money seeing 'spiritual healers'.
I could have told you myself (and you know it yourself) that you have emotional junk to get rid of b4 you get married.
As far as rating the guys you have seen? I thought only guys rate girls

Ernie
 
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Torsalicious613
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2/28/06 1:32 PM
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no, ernie, plenty of girls rate guys. at least i do! and i'm a girl!

atara


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az
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4/27/06 3:29 AM
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Bubbles, you express yourself well. The pain, the rage, the trauma. I have to admit, I couldn't complete reading your post, it triggered my own rage at a mother who did not protect me. I can relate to the suicidal stuff, though it's gotten much better for me and I hope it will for you too. I'm curious about your therapy, so that perhaps we might gain from each other's experiences.
What struck me was the emotions you expressed vis a vis your mother, and not much aimed at your father. I'm just curious about it, cuz I see myself in you. (That's what I like about group therapy, when I see my "issues" in someone else I'm less defensive about exploring them.) I used to rage at my mother(in therapy, that is)for having failed to protect me and nowadays, when I don't avoid it, I rage at my father for having hurt me. What I'm having a hard time with as of late, is the fact that my father is being good to me and so I have a hard time experiencing my rage at him. Best of luck to you!
 
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unexpected
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5/1/06 1:14 AM
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Quote

Originally posted by: Torsalicious613
so..let's see.. you don't think i should get married now, even though all of my friends are? you think because i am unhealthy right now, i might attract unhealthy people? this may be true. and you're probably right, my problems won't just "disappear" after i get married even though i would want them to. i actually saw a spiritual healer who visited my neighborhood from israel. my supervisor at aish arranged a consultation with him. i am not one to easilly latch on to "ooga booga" stuff, and this guy was very strange. his name is elan feldman. ever hear of him? he made these weird faces and yawned a lot and used his hands. he said he was "healing" me. he also said i was a healler, and in 15 consecutive past lifetimes i healled people. he said i was also a shyman in jamaica. whatever. anyway, he said right now in order to heal other people, i have to heal myself first. he said i have a lot of emotional "blockages" and he suggested spending the next two yeas to get all my emotional junk out of my system before i enter into a relationship. i named all the guys i was ever involved with and asked how good they were for me. he said one was 5%. one was 10%, 20 and so on and so forth. the guy i'm seeing right now rakned in at a whopping 30% but i guess that's not a lot. i still have a lot of spiritual growing to do, and i'm sure right now i will just attract losers who see that i'm vulnerable and hurting and will want to take advantage of me. but all my friends are married. should i just sit around while all my friends pass me by? it's so easy to get in a relationship when you don't want to be hurting anymore and you don't want to be alone, even if it's not so good for you. well, i have to go to bed. hope to hear some words of advice.

atara


Atara,
Life is not a rat race, though many in the orthodox world like to make it to be that way. You need to stop looking at life and at your friends with a 'rat race' approach and take each stage as it comes. You need to recognize that hard as it may be, getting married now may not be the right thing for you. Getting married now might just get you into murkier waters than ever. Instead, do it the slow and steady way. When you've healed from your experiences and are ready to move on, date. Don't date and get married for the sake of being on the same page as your friends. As much as you'd like for that to be the case, you may just hurt yourself even more by doing that, because you may get into the wrong kind of relationship. Please take care of yourself and think of what's best for you in the long term scheme of things.
Best of luck,
Unexpected


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If God brought you to it, He'll bring you through it
 
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Torsalicious613
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5/1/06 11:56 AM
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unexpected, thank you for your concern. but how do i know "if i've gotten through it yet" or not?

atara


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what the hecka is a signiature?
 
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gad
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5/1/06 10:21 PM
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A question of whether or not to marry now is something to ask your doctor. Your doctor knows you best, and has the knowledge and experience to give you the right answer, with Hashem's help.
 
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Torsalicious613
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Posts: 461
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5/14/06 2:33 PM
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thanks guys. we did veer off the topic a little though, didn't we? lol

atara


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