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TOPIC TITLE: emotions or nightmares?
Created On 2/14/06 9:48 AM
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Debbi
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2/14/06 9:48 AM
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I need to accept.
Accept my mothers neglect.
My fathers abuse.

For most of my life I have buried the pain of abuse and emotional neglect.
I buried the feelings of abandonement, loneliness, and fear.
Unfortunately though, when one disconnects from their feelings, it encompasses "all" feelings, not only the uncomfortable ones, or those which are too difficult to bear.

Therefore I have always been seperated from my feelings.
Never really feeling much of anything. Neither the good or the bad.
On some level "not feeling" has been a pretty easy way of existing, especially from a Torah persepective.
No anger to guard against.
No jealousy.
No nastiness.
No bad thoughts towards others.
A host of good midos actually. So much so, others think that I am this wonderful person with excellent middos.
I am never the one to yell at the person who steals my parking space.
I will never make a face at the guy who pushes to the front of the line at the bank.
I am never the parent who complains to the school if the kids bus is late "again".

But now all of a sudden after 6 years of intense therapy and very hard work, I am begining to "feel".
Suddenly I feel anger, and hate, and more anger, and even more hate!
Its horrible.
These feelings and emotions are flooding me.
I dont know what to do with them.
I dont know how to "feel" them without acting on them.
I dont know how to be that good person who never shouted at anyone.
I am no longer cool, calm and collected.
I feel as though there is a volcano inside of me, ready to erupt.
It is frightening.
I can't sleep because the feelings are raging inside me.
Round and round like some out of control beast.
Is this what the Torah means when it says we must control our emotions?
This is all new to me.
New and painful.
I had no idea that controlling ones emotions is not only difficult but uncomfortable too.

This is a new phase in my life, and I am begining to feel as though I am on a never ending nightmarish roller coaster ride.

I want to scream and yell at all the people who have hurt me, yet I know I cannot, and that I must control myself.
I want to vent my anger against the community who somehow failed me, and so many others.
I want to weep for all the lost years of my childhood.

I am so confused, I dont really know what I want, or where I need to go from here.
At times fatigue overwhelms me, and all I wish for is sleep.
To lay down my weary head and sleep, and sleep and sleep.

Does anyone have any ideas about this?
Has anyone ever experienced this sudden change from feeling "nothing" to "everything"?

And how on earth do I "accept"?
How?
How does a person work on their emotions, feelings, middos, enough to "accept" betrayal in its deepest form?

Debbi. (aka bubbles)
 
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Debbi
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2/14/06 8:31 PM
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It is probably my own fault.
Procrastination.
I have been avoiding doing the "mother" work in therapy. And it has backfired.
It has snowballed.
Because now not only am I in no shape to do the necessary work, but I am also incapable of dealing with the small things.
It seems that when i allow emotional stuff to acumulate I begin to get overwhelmed, which in turn leads to confusion, and as a result needs alot more energy to pull myself out.

Its a process, but a bad process.

Avoidance -> bury emotions which need to be exposed -> use energy to keep those emotions inside -> no energy for everyday emotional events (such as kids/husband/therapist) -> accumalation of ignored emotions ->psychosomatic symptoms ie headaches, dizziness, heart palpitations) -> fatigue -> helplessness -> hopelessness -> depression -> isolation -> suicide.

This is my process.
And it stinks.
This is really what I'm going through now, among other things.

Debbi
 
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ernie55B
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2/15/06 7:40 AM
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Hi Debbi!

First, why the change in name/icon? Do you feel as if you might get some better response from the people out here? Just wondering.

I still at a loss as to how to best answer you. But I guess just telling you I care is better than nothing. Also I davened for you at the Kotel as I said I would. (I hope Hashem knows about your new icon- just kiddding!)

The process you described is exactly what I experienced for oh so many years. I finally got the courage to take the action that I did which is a first step towards getting myself to a better place.
I believe there is something you need to DO as well, although I am not sure what that is.
Something, someplace, to channel all your anger and negative emotions.
What does your T say about this part of it?

Ernie
 
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Torsalicious613
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2/15/06 12:00 PM
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hello guys. is there a "place" we all have to get to? is there a cetain "way" to be? what do you guys think? i mean i know davening helps, and saying the right thing, and doing the right thing. but if our lives ARE going right, will we feel it? will we know? is there a way to "tell"? well, i have to go to class now, guys. just think about what i wrote, and see what you come up with. ttys, guys, and keep the faith

atara


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what the hecka is a signiature?
 
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Torsalicious613
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2/15/06 12:02 PM
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a nightmare can be agood dream gone bad. the only thing i believe that turns a good dream into a bad dream, and a bad dream into a good dream, is our attitude. no matter how incapacitated we are, we always have that: free choice. and we can make out of it what we must. bye guys! feel good!

atara


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what the hecka is a signiature?
 
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Debbi
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2/16/06 10:37 PM
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hi ernie,
glad to see you back.
hope all went well.
changed my name to something more familiar is all.
thanks for your response.
Will try and write more when I'm not so tired., just wanted to let u know that I appreciate you responding.
tc
debbi
 
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ernie55B
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2/17/06 8:01 AM
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Hi Debbie!

Good to be back. Hope you are ok today.
As promised, I davened for you (Bubbles anyway) at the Kotel. Maybe if enough people daven for you, that will help you.
Also, I told my T that I correspond with a woman online who is suffering from past abuse and I feel so helpless about it.
She recommended the book- 'Dear Dad- Letters of An Adult Child' by Louis Anderson.
Have you heard of it?

She also said some things that if you don't mind I would rather wait until Sunday to tell you about, as I am not feeling that well right now and can't think that clearly.

Take Care and Have a Shabbos with menuchas hanefesh please!

Ernie
 
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Debbi
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2/17/06 8:49 AM
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havent read the book, but will look for it.
Thanks for the recomendation.
Hoping that you too have a peaceful and restful Shabbos.
Debbi
 
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Debbi
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2/19/06 12:35 AM
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Hi atara,
sorry seem to have missed your post.
so i wish you a belated good shabbos. No offense meant. (can u use it for next shabbos?)
And i think that deep down we all know where we need to be.
tc
debbi
 
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Torsalicious613
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2/20/06 12:05 PM
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you're probably right debi. you know my middle name is devorah? yep. k gtg to class. a good shabbos to evryone in advance!

atara


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what the hecka is a signiature?
 
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Stronger
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2/20/06 8:27 PM
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Dear Debbi,

Over the past two years I have been going through the very thing you have written about. I experienced abuse from the hands and lips of my parents and my ex-husband. I spent my life in my parents home being told to "ignore" my feelings and always make peace no matter what. When I finally got married, my ex turned out to have severe emotional problems, which I tried to deal with, with love and understanding and therapy. Because of his illnesses (which I now accept to be the reality) the world revolved around him and his bizarre wishes and my feelings, no matter what they were or who they were towards, always meant I was no longer thinking only of him. So for almost a decade I didn't think of myself. Sometimes I didn't even look in the mirror. At some point we started to make some progress, and then, according to my social worker, he realized he could never change, so he left me and the children. There are many details but the point I want to get across, is that right before he left, was when the abuse stopped, and I became able to see my self again. That is when all the feelings I had been suppressing came rushing back ino my heart like a broken dam. No one on earth had any clue of what was going on. Someone actually said to me at work once that I was so lucky to have such a nice and happy life. HA. everyone was shocked when I told them I was getting divorced. It was like my life was black and white and then someone turned on the color. I saw myself in the mirror. I saw what I was doing to my wonderful beautiful kids. I realized how much I had been ignoring even at work. I took all the critisism, complaints extra work. From all sides even from my parents. My Rabbi who was one of the few who knew MOST of what was going on, suggested I read up on Co-dependancy. He got it so right. two books helped tremendously, the first would be more suitable for you to get an intro, Beyond Co-dependancy by Melanie Beattie. I had no idea what it was or what it meant as the name lends itself to mean something else. What I learned from it is this. (oh, there is also one written by a rabbi that is in B&N and the library also OK) CoD is what happends to many people who are in abusive realtionships. It is more the effect on the abused one. You kind of become emotionally constipated. Until the world around you collapses. Then you are left to pick up pieces of a puzzle you didn't know existed: your own feelings. there is a list in the book of characteristics CoD have, you might very well find yourself in those pages. I know I did. And the scary thing is that I see it in most of my friends and definately my parents. Being abused and feeling abused actually caused my to BECOME an abuser. To myself. Which is the worst thing in the world. And please let me say, suppressing feelings ARE NOT the Torah way. Controlling one's Yetzer can only be done by one who is emotionally and mentally healthy. If we say everyday, "Ivdu et HaSham B'Simchah", it must mean that the natural way of a person is B'Simcha and if we are not, then we can't serve Hashem properly and Hashem WANTS us to become healthy Jews again before we can serve Him. I knew a girl who would cut herself every Shabbat because she didn't "feel the holiness". That is NOT what Hashem wants.

The anger that I found within myself was overwhelming. I had recurring dreams of murdering people who hurt me with my bare hands. I would wake up with a sense of satisfaction and no regret. Not so good. I read so many books and found my "salvation" in a social worker who taught me that the people around me who hurt in the past and will continue to hurt me in future are really sick. And that I should feel sorry and sadness for them because some people, though they seem healthy in body are not healthy in mind or spirit and are terminal in that sense. there is no cure. Mostly because some people are so sick, they don't even know it to get help. Thank Gd I am was able to see this. The hardest thing for me was to accept this of my ex. For some reason it was easier to accept this of my parents, maybe because I still have a lot of numbness towrads them, but let me tell you, I won't allow them to hurt me. My ex is different. When I met him, I saw right to his neshama. It is made of pure gold and light. There were so many times during our marraige that I was the happiest. I saw a side to him that no one saw, wait I saw TWO sides that no one saw. One was so pure and good and one was, well, horrific. I believed for so long that we could work through his issues and so did he. Until it just didn't work anymore. After the divorce, all I could think was how can Gd make someone with such a potential to do great things with an illness that keeps him from achieving anything! I just don't understand. I can accept people being ill when it comes to how they treat other people but not when it comes to Gd. Its almost like Gd is making the puppet dance a dance against their neshamas will. I don't believe a normal person wakes in the morning thinking all the horrible things he will do during that day. But then, why does it happen?

Coming on this site overwhelmed me. When I get in a low place, I think that all the pain that I went through was part of a quota of pain Hashem alotted in this world and it has brought all Klal Yisroel that much closer to Mashiach. When The Tsunami and Hurricane Katrina and even the two feet of snow that covered the Northeast last week happened, All I could think was that it was Hasham saying that He saw all our tears and He is coming to wipe them away.

The fact that people who have gone through such immense pain and terror in their lives on this site still say Modeh Ani in the morning is a Miracle greater than Kriyat Yam Suf. It is probably sweeter than that of the greatest Tzaddikim.

 
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Torsalicious613
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2/20/06 10:44 PM
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stronger, that was the most beautiful thing i've ever read. you definitely have a way with words.

atara


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