Login
Questions or Comments!
admin@frumsupport.com

Get FrumSupport News! Join our mailing list.
Email:


Search

Navigation:

 Tehilim List  < Refresh >
TOPIC TITLE: Is it my fault?
Created On 3/17/06 9:46 AM
Topic View:

View thread in raw text format


Debbi
Senior Supporter

Posts: 488
Joined: Oct 2005

3/17/06 9:46 AM
User is offline

Okay,
This is the story.

My father molests me.
For years. He starts when I am four years old. He stops when I turn ten.

Ten months ago I finally confront him.
He asks for forgiveness, but then the next day denies he ever did anything.
My mother becomes overwhelmed. Tearful. Threatens to leave him if its really true. (this after 45 years of marriage) Then turns it all around and asks me "how did I come to such a "conclusion"?

Okay, I understand.
Denial.
Self protection.
Defense mechanisms.

Fast forward 10mths.
My father has not spoken to me since I asked him why he molested me.
My mother refuses to speak to me on account that I have "broken the family silence".
My sister (the only one who knows about it) avoids me, because she can't "deal" with the reality of her fathers abuse.
My other sisters won't listen to Loshon Horah.

I am lost.
Left.
Abandoned.
It has become my fault.
My fathers bad behaviour has been turned against me.
I feel so sad.

Can anyone explain this?
Does anyone get it?

I don't.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



4702125952
Supporter

Posts: 137
Joined: Feb 2006

3/17/06 12:27 PM
User is offline

Molestation is about as awful as abuse gets. There is not much to understand. It's evil and sick. When people do good things such as great acts of tzedakah or kindness we rarely 'try to understand it'. We accept that human beings are capable of great altruism. Well, unfortunately since the sin of 'eitz hadaas', the same is true of evil. People are capable of that, too. I think it's mostly a waste of time to try to 'understand' it.

Do you have a life worth living? Now that's something worth pursuing. B'hatzlacha meruba.

Raisy
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Debbi
Senior Supporter

Posts: 488
Joined: Oct 2005

3/17/06 4:18 PM
User is offline

Yes Raisy,
I imagine I do have a life worth living, Although right now I feel a loss so great, it is difficult to put into words.

Yes a life worth living;
I am capable.
Clever.
Have the ability to earn a living.
Calm.
Compassionate to my children
Caring of my husband.
Own a sense of humor.
And probably a lot more.
Does the above mean that I have a "life worth living"?

If it does, and I agree that it does, then where do all my feelings belong?
How can they be so different from all the above?

What do I do with my feelings of hopelessnes?
Loss?
Guilt?
Blame?
Sadness?
Where do I put the heaviness in my heart?
Anger?
Rage?

What? What can I do with all these feelings?
they take over my life, leaving little energy for anything else.
If my mother or father had suddenly died would I then be "allowed" to feel these feelings?
Just because they are alive and well, but as unavailable as if they were gone, doesn't mean that these feelings are not valid.

Raisy, I like your train of thought.

A life worth living is worth pursuing.
Thank you for putting that into my mind.
I will try and hold onto it, when the other feelings become too great.

Thanks for responding.
D.





 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



lookinforhelp
Senior Supporter

Posts: 202
Joined: Dec 2004

3/19/06 6:08 AM
User is offline

Debbi,

I am sooo sorry for everything you have had to endure. It's so sick and it is amazing that you came out of it and even had the courage to confront your father. What your parents and family are doing now, is simply living in denial. It is too much for them to deal with, and so they would just rather not deal with it, even though it is hurting you.

Have you ever spoken to a therapist about this? Maybe he/she could help you work out all your feelings...

Good luck, LFH
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



YOUNGLDY
Junior Supporter

Posts: 15
Joined: Nov 2005

3/21/06 8:56 PM
User is offline

Hi Debb, i too am so sorry to hear about what has happened to you.
I cant imagine where you got the strenghth to live. but i too feel strongly that you should speak to a therapist. i'm sure it will help you alot. best of luck, HATZLACHA.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Debbi
Senior Supporter

Posts: 488
Joined: Oct 2005

3/21/06 11:03 PM
User is offline

thanks for your responses,
well I have actually been in therapy for 6 years! and I am still seeing the same therapist.
Hard to believe but true.

Intense therapy that is, four, five sometimes six times weekly.
So yes, therapy helps, but I suppose some things just have to be accepted, therapy or not.

debbi
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



ernie55B
Senior Supporter

Posts: 419
Joined: Mar 2005

3/23/06 3:52 PM
User is offline

Main thing to accept is the fact that IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!

You were a kid, remember?

You are the victim here.

E
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
Psychologist

Posts: 914
Joined: Feb 2005

3/26/06 11:53 PM
User is offline

As others have stated, it is NOT you fault. The reactions of your family members are not uncommon, unfortunately. With PTSD, I have seen good success with EMDR. I recommend you check out the website, EMDR.com, and you can look for a trained practitioner in your zip code. If you have questions about the technique, please feel free to ask publically, or send me a private message.
A Lynn
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



SaraSmith
Supporter

Posts: 37
Joined: May 2006

6/28/06 4:55 AM
User is offline

Dr. Lynn, can you tell me more aboutEMDR. How does it work? does it work for memories you cant seem to find or remember, but its obvious that something is up?
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
Psychologist

Posts: 914
Joined: Feb 2005

7/3/06 11:43 PM
User is offline

I have found the most success with single-episode traumas experienced after early childhood. It can work with childhood traumas but if the memories are not disturbing or vivid, it seems to limit EMDR's effectiveness. Ask more if I have not answered your question sufficiently.
a lynn
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



wanttobefree
Junior Supporter

Posts: 14
Joined: Jan 2007

7/27/08 8:06 PM
User is offline

I used to have intrusive thoughts of someone touching me inappropriately and I had a dream of a certain relative doing this.I was extremely anxious as a child and was very self conscious around other ppl. Recently, my sister confided in me that this relative had molested her when she was a child. During High School I went through major deppresion and these thoughts would play in my mind again and again. Does this mean that I was molested but was too young to remember it?


Edited: 7/29/08 at 7:01 PM by wanttobefree
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



su7kids
Senior Supporter

Posts: 485
Joined: Nov 2006

7/27/08 8:14 PM
User is offline View users profile

Its not impossible, but so hard to prove. There is so much "false memory" that causes problems. How old would you have been?


-------------------------
Proud Mom of 7, MIL to 3, Grandmom of 4!
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



wanttobefree
Junior Supporter

Posts: 14
Joined: Jan 2007

7/28/08 7:33 PM
User is offline

I probably would have been around 3 yrs old.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



little sheep
Supporter

Posts: 144
Joined: May 2008

8/28/08 5:11 PM
User is offline View users profile

want to be free, could it be that you witnessed your sister being molested? (as an abused child, i can sympathize with the thoughts...ouch!!)


-------------------------
"I'm getting better and better every day, in every way, with the help of Yud-Kay-Vav-Kay"~Rabbi Label Lam
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     

View thread in raw text format
FORUMS > General (Mental Health) < Refresh >

Navigation:

The information in this site is not intended to replace the advice of a doctor. FrumSupport disclaims any liability for the decisions you, the User, makes based on information on this site. By using this site, reading, viewing, posting or otherwise, you signify your assent to the Terms and Conditions of Use. If you do not agree to all these Terms and Conditions of Use, please do not use this site. FrumSupport may revise and update these Terms and Conditions of Use at anytime. Your continued usage of FrumSupport will mean you accept those changes.

If you think you or someone you know has a medical emergency, call your doctor, Hatzolah or 911 immediately. FrumSupport cannot and does not monitor forums and postings and cannot and will not pro-actively obtain help for users in need as FrumSupport does not have the funds or people power to accomplish such tasks and it will infringe on the anonymity of each user. Therefore, FrumSupport’s liability is limited by this paragraph and as further set forth in the Terms and Conditions of Use.