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TOPIC TITLE: child abuse
Created On 7/13/06 9:07 AM
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bubbles
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7/13/06 9:07 AM
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Hi Penny,

Thats wonderful news.
I'm glad too to speak to you.
I have so many questions, but dont want to scare you away with all of them!

So I'll be patient and just allow myself one or two, and please ALWAYS let me know if I'm being too presumptuous. This subject is extremely sensitive and deserves our utmost respect.

oops sorry, my two little ones just walked in and I have to go and give them breakfast, I'll post this anyway, and try to get back here a little later.

debbi
 
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Penina2006
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7/13/06 11:28 AM
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your'e my hope--& I thank you for that!!!!!!!!!!!!! u could begin asking--I'll let u know where I'm comfortable & where not... I'm trying to numb myself of the pain by talking, talking, talking & still yet...TALKING! I've since seen 7 therapists... & talking has become my way of life... I love to hear you talking about your kids & how your'e signing out to serve them breakfast-- my dream has always been & always will be to have a large family, since I adore kids--yet I wasn't sure I would have the courage & be brave enough to do what it takes to have them in the first place!!! It is my comfort to know there's someone out there who has actually "Been there & done that"!!!!!!!!!!! please keep on writing... btw-- did you become a child abuse therapist or s/t like that? because I know that people who suffered from this experience usually want to go out & help others in the same situation, as I know for myself...I would want to be doing just that Be'ezrat H'!!! With Gratitude, Penny

 
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bubbles
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7/13/06 11:36 AM
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ok.
Everyone is in day camp, so I have a couple of minutes.

First of all Mazal Tov on your engagement. May you and your Chosson have much happiness

Back to my questions.
Have you done any therapy work on the molestation, and if you have done work, have you told your Chosson? You dont say about the duration of the abuse. If it was a close family member, I imagine it went on for a significant amount of time? (just my own speculation))

Can u say who it was? (the offender in my own case was my father )
I believe that the identity of the perpertrator is probably significant, in that the closer he/she is to you (relationship wise) the more damaged your trust in others will be.

Do u know what I mean?
For example if it was a stranger, your trust in strangers might be fairly damaged, but you still might be able to have faith and trust in parents or siblings etc.

The reason I point this out is that it will probably make a difference in your marriage too. If the perp was male, if he was someone you respected etc.

From my own experience ,
(and please remember that every person is different! Each person is a world in their own experiences)
As a child my only escape was to dissociate, so that when I got married I was so used to reacting to the intimate part of the realtionship, by dissapearing inside my head, that I began to do that with my husband too.
Any slight physical touch automatically reduced me to a non-feeling almost paralized woman. It felt as though I was back into being that frightened defensless little girl trying hard not to go crazy from the feelings I was experiencing. (i dont want to go into too much detail over here)

I am doing alot of work in therapy about this.
It became a problem in our marriage, and I was forced to seek help. Its a good thing though, because even though it is slow and difficult, there is much progress.
I have to say, that because of all my suffering I am definately a more sensitive and "listening" type of person. I know how to listen, and I do have the capacity to feel others pain more deeply than many other people are able to feel.

Although the pain and sorrow, outweighs any other feeling or state, I will still say that being married was the BEST decision I have ever made, and being in therapy was the next best decision!

There is NO reason why that person who abused and took advantage of your body, should now have the right to continue that abuse, by stopping you from marrying and creating a wonderful family.
I am so glad you are engaged, I think its the best thing, especially after all your suffering.

When are you getting married?
Please write and let me know whats doing.

take good care.
debbi
 
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Penina2006
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7/13/06 12:28 PM
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I have sent you a private message.
 
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Penina2006
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7/13/06 12:41 PM
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My private message has been in response to this, sweet!

With love (is that okay?!)
Penny
 
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SaraSmith
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7/13/06 1:29 PM
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bubbles, how long are you married? did you remember the abuse? or did therapy remind you? can you pm me?
 
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bubbles
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7/14/06 8:56 AM
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Hi Sara,

I have written alot about the abuse in previous posts. You can check them out.
I originally went into therapy because I was having physical symptoms.
I actually woke up one morning and couldnt get out of bed!
I went to many doctors and not one of them could find anything wrong with me.
It was strange.
One moment I was a healthy mother of a large family, and then all of a sudden I had been reduced to an invalid, who couldnt even feed her children supper.
Needless to say it was a terrifyng experience.
Finally after 6mths a neurologist told me that since I am a perfectly healthy woman, my symptoms are pshycosamatic.
He recommended therapy.

It took me 5 long years to recall being molested by my father.
Five long suffering years.

Sara have you been molested?
Is that why you are interested in my experiences?
If you feel comfortable talking I will be glad to listen, and give you support.

take care.
debbi
 
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bubbles
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7/14/06 3:55 PM
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Hi penny,
hope its okay to keep writing here. Feels more comfortable than PM's as well as allowinbg others to benefit from our communications.

I'm sorry about your experience, but please remember that each person experiences it differently.
I dont believe there is a "worse" molestation, or a "better" one.
Just the fact that a person is violated in such an intimate way, is enough of a trauma.

I doubt very much that u are overeacting.
Why would you?
Which normal person would wish a "flashback" upon themselves?
Which normal person would want to endure the outcome of abuse?

Dont allow yourself doubt.
Other peoples experiences often seem worse than yours,but in reality therei s no way to measure.
You have to heal from your experiences, not from someone elses.

Must run, still lots to do before shabbos.

have a nice shabbos.
tc
debbi.
 
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SaraSmith
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7/15/06 3:40 PM
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Bubbles, thank you for answering. I dont know if i was molested. It looks like it, i am working it out with my therapist now and i cant find any memories. it is frusterating and frightening. i am scared to remember, but i know i have to because i have to recover and deal... does tha make any sense?
 
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SaraSmith
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7/16/06 3:26 PM
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Bubbles, if you couldn't find the memory of being molested, how did you keep looking? My therapist told me that she isnt sure that there even is any real s abuse in my passed. She said, she doesn't think r/pe, and probably not molestation, but possibly something smaller that is just having a big affect on me. She doesn't want me to work too hard on searching for a memory now though. I am just getting confused. I guess for now we will work on the other things and the way it is playing itself out in my life. and work with that and maybe one day find a memory or if not she feels like we can work on the current issues without it.... Thanx again! SS
 
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bubbles
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7/16/06 5:01 PM
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Hi Sara,

I hear your confusion.
I actually began by talking about an abusive previous marriage.
My ex was extremely sxually abusive.
We worked on that end for a couple of years, because I didnt know about my father then.
There were some minor instances of molestation (with someone else) which I suddenly remembered, but my father came last.
It happened out of the blue. One day while driving home from therapy, I was hit with a terrifying feeling that something really awful had happened to me.

It was a gut wrenching kind of knowledge, deep inside my soul. I just "knew" that something terrible had been done to me, and I "knew" it was my father.
I was driving alone in my car, I had just left my therapists office. I was so shaken and scared, all I could think of was to keep on driving, straight into the Hudson.
I could not bare to think about the thoughts that were formulating in my mind.
When I realised how dangerous I was to myself, I called my therapist on my cell, and told her that I had to drive into the river, because something very bad had happened.

She must have realised that this was a big one, so she told me, to stay on the phone, and turn around and drive straight back to her office.
I did, but it was really hard for me to disclose that I "knew" it was my father.
I told her in a round about way, and I swore her to secrecy. She sais she had speculated it was him all along. She kind of "knew" before I did.
She told no one, and neither did I. Not even my husband.
I left her office, and never spoke of it again for a whole year.
It took a year for my mind, to allow itself to bring it up again.
In the interim, I was hospitalised because I sank into a deep depression.
Medication helped me begin to recover from the shock of my memories. I did emdr which helped retrieve details of the abuse.
But I needed and still need hours and hours of therapy just to stay alive.

Even now, there are times when I doubt it all.
I tell my therapist that I must be crazy to accuse my father of such a terribe thing! But she tells me that no person in their right mind (i assume she thinks I'm in my right mind ) would cause themselves to suffer the way I did after I remembered.
she always asks: To what end would I make all this up?
The memory has caused a total break down of my family structure. My mother cutting me out of her life. My father a nonentity. Why would i do this to myself?
The brain needs clarity.
Without clarity, it is difficult to function.
And so I remembered.

Sara I hope this has helped you a little
.
How is it playing out in your life?
What symptoms are you experiencing?
How long have u been in therapy? And why did you seek therapy in the first place?

hope to talk to you soon.
debbi
 
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SaraSmith
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7/17/06 2:10 AM
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Thank you so much Debbi! That is very frightening, I am sorry for your experiences. I have issues in the bedroom, I am married almost 5 years, have one beautiful son and still have a very hard time being touched. When I was newly married I couldnt let my husband touch me AT ALL! It took nights and weeks and months to let him touch me. I did what I had to do, we consumated our marriage, but I couldn't do more than that. My therapist said that we keep coming back to my father, but she doesn't even know if it ws him. She just wants to let it be for now. This time around, I have only been in therapy for 6 weeks. I ws in therapy a few years ago for other childhood/dysfunctional family issues. They came back up recently and I told my husband that I am calling my therapist and he said fine. I knew that as mch as I had to work out those issues, they really weren't the top issues on my list to work out. I just want to live a normal married life. She keeps telling me that it is normal for a Bais Yaakov girl from a very Frum and sheltered family should have a hard time in the bedroom, but I feel like she is missing something. I have a very close friend who is like an older sister that has been pushing me to go for therapy for close to 2 years for these issues. she is someone that has been helping and dealing with ppl for a while and she seems to think this is extreme and that there seems to have been some abuse, but my therapist wants to let it rest. It just is terribly frusterating! when we were newly married, we were living in a differnet comunity than now and a different comunity (and country) than the therapist i am seeing now who i saw a number of years ago too. we were advised to go for therapy then when i couldn\t let himtouch me and all the therapists were pointing to abuse. i know i was emotionaly abused, but i dont think that would cause me s/xual issues. And even she said when i was newly married that she knows we didnt cover this area but she thinks there might have been some s/x abuse too (maybe i should remind her she said that?) on a phone call I had with her. So now, I jsut feel utterly confused and drained....

Thanx for listening and being there
SS
 
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bubbles
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7/17/06 7:03 AM
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Sara,
can i offer a suggestion?
Could you start afresh with a different therapist?
I can recommend someone who is known as an expert on sxual abuse issues.

I doubt that just because you are a modest Bais Yaakov girl, you are experiencing these problems.

Can I ask you, what is it that you feel when you are being touched?
Is it fear?
Something else?
I dont want to put words in your mouth.

Let me know if u want her number.


debbi
 
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SaraSmith
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7/17/06 9:34 AM
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Thanx again Bubbles

Why should I start with a new therapist? I am really happy with mine and I dont want to switch. I also doubt that your therapist lives anywhere even CLOSE to me.

I feel fear. Its not so much when I am being touched, but during the actual maaseh. I think I have pretty much turned off the fear and have turned to dread and not wanting to be together. Do you know what I mean? At times I have felt physically nausious, but that has more or less passed. When my therapist wsa discussing intimacy with me, that nausia came back. I don't konw. I don't have any recollection of any abuse, so thats the only thing to base the hunches on. One thing my therapist did say was right now to let the memories rest and we should work on the outcome now, how it affects me and when I am more comfortable and feel "safer" we can go back to them. She also thinks it might just be something small, not a full fledge molestation...

Any insight?
 
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Penina2006
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7/17/06 1:39 PM
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Sara!

I felt a need to add my two words in here!
I'm engaged to be married a couple of months down, & I'm terribly afraid... afraid of what I will feel at the moment of intimacy... could we work on this together?

good day!
Penny
 
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SaraSmith
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7/17/06 2:14 PM
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Mazel tov Penina. Are you in therapy? Do you want to say more about your background? I would love to work on it together. I just don't know what will happen with me... I think I am going to let the finding the memroy lay dormant until she thinks I am ready to work it through> I think she is trying to get me to a certain comfort level before going there...
 
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Penina2006
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7/17/06 2:40 PM
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Well... Thank you for your wish Sara!
I'm 19, & was molested by my uncle 3 years ago... I kept it for 6 months but started having symptoms of depression after that time, so I was unable to conceal it any longer.
No one in my family could lay their hands on me. A hug was out of the question, a kiss was a nightmare...
I suffered for a long, long time... my parents knew I wasn't ever gonna marry; so... when I finally spelled my readiness to my family--they were ecstatic!!!!!!!
I was very nervous about the dating part, but Hashem was good to me, & that's all in the past...
However, I've began worrying about intimacy... I am terribly afraid of flashbacks. I worry about becoming the rag doll, I turned into, when I experienced the relations with my uncle, back then... I worry I will not be able to provide a comfortable enough outlet for my future husband's desires...

Can I ask you some questions?!

Please respond,

Penny
 
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SaraSmith
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7/17/06 2:47 PM
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ouch! Penina, my heart goes out to you! I totally understand the not being ableto be touched. Have you gone through therapy? You can ask me questions. If you want, you can pm me I would pm you, but I havent figured out how to yet...
 
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Penina2006
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there's a lock code at the top-right hand corner of each post, just press mine & you'll get to send me a PM
 
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SaraSmith
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7/17/06 3:38 PM
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ok, pmed you
 
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beaten
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I will share a snippet of my personal history, perhaps it will resonate for some of you, perhaps not.
I used to cringe if someone would dare come close to me, not to mention my husband's touching. My therapist was certain I'd been s*x*lly abused but I could not for the life of me come up with a memory of such abuse. I had a lot to say about the physical abuse I had endured, but no memory at all and no belief at all of having been s*x*lly abused. Still, I definitely exhibited symptoms of having been s*x*lly abused. I kept telling my shrink that having been beaten with a belt, ouch!, to me that is a form of s*x*l abuse, as my skin is a sensual organ. I insisted that I don't see the difference between physical abuse and s*x*l abuse, they are both violations of my body.
I went to the library and perused books on s*x*l abuse. I was able to identify with all of the post -s*x*l-abuse symptoms, and I found that the experience of s*x*l abuse closely paralleled the experience of physical abuse. Which led me to the following conclusion: the emotional/psychological trauma and experience of physical abuse have mostly the same components to that of s*x*l abuse
Here's another point. My dh was not able to be gentle and take it slow when it came to intimacy. We talked about it in couple counseling, still, due to his own issues he was unable to respect my humanness and my needs and wasn't able to accommodate me. Had he been able to go slow, and be gentle, and respect me and my body, I might've found healing in our physical intimacy.

My point is this: Perhaps you've been physically assaulted by the very adult/s who were supposed to protect you. Perhaps like myself you've been beaten red with a leather belt, had a hot iron put to your skin, had a knife thrown at you, etc. This is reason enough to cringe at another person's touch. If you add marital relationship troubles to the mix, that's reason enough to cringe at the mere thought of one's husband coming close.

So, I've not been s*x*ly abuse, but I have been physically abused/terrorized. Most if not all of the elements of physical abuse, such as seduction, helplessness, trust (and the subsequent loss of it), violation, are also present in physical abuse. The one factor that I think does not appear in physical abuse is, if the s*x*l abuse was pleasurable to the victim, that adds another dimension to the abuse.

I'm not a clinical practitioner, and I only speak from personal perspective. If my perspective needs tweaking, go ahead, comment.



Edited: 7/18/06 at 5:50 PM by beaten
 
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SaraSmith
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7/18/06 2:19 AM
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wow beaten! sounds like you have been through a lot! I feel for you. I have not been physically abused, "just" emotionally abused.
 
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frumsw
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10/1/06 12:46 AM
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perhaps some of the physical abuse was done in a way that invaded your boundaries that it was more than "simply" physical abuse and that's why it's so confusing.


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frumsw
 
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SaraSmith
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frumsw, was that addressed to me? i was NOT physically abused (not that I remember anyway) I was emotionally abused and neglected...
 
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aquabelle
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10/3/06 4:42 PM
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everything everyone is saying resonates with me, especially the touching. i can't stand when people touch me. i shudder and try to pull away. there are very few ppl who i can stand touching me. i too am struggling w/ memories that rn't coming bec my coping method as a kid was to mentally run away and block everything out. i feel so dif from everyone else and the emotional pain is out of this world. it doesn't help that i have horrible pain coping skills. has anyone worked through the abuse and had healthy relationships?
 
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Naomi613
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Although it is not a "frum" book, the book The Courage to Heal is very valuable as a resource for healing from childhood s** abuse. And, for anyone with a husband or chosson, there is a companion book for them on how to deal with you. May you all find healing!


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4702125952
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I was not s*lly abused in a physical way but there was immodesty and 'indiscretion' in my home when I was a young child ( adults not locking bathroom doors, adults not being private when dressing/undressing, etc.) Being a very sensitive person, I was affected by these sights. I agree with the writer who wrote that problems in a marriage--plus other 'issues' from childhood = behaviors that mimic s*l abuse.

 
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little sheep
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i know this thread is really old...but are any of you still out there? i was s** abused as a young girl, by a brother...i'm looking for people to connect with, who have been through this, but haven't met me in person. please pm me if you can...

little sheep


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"I'm getting better and better every day, in every way, with the help of Yud-Kay-Vav-Kay"~Rabbi Label Lam
 
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Debbi
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Hi LT,
Thanks for the PM, i'd like to continue out here as long as u r ok with it.

I feel really sad at how much we have to hide. Its not only in the frum world, but definately more so than anywhere else.

The secretiveness is so damaging to me. Sometimes I want to go out there and scream and yell, and tell all those Rabbonim what "choshuva" men are capable of doing to their own children.
Since I first posted this thread, a few years ago, I have become aware that unfortunately there are many of us out there, too many. It makes me feel a little less lonely, and disgusting about myself.

LT, I struggle with so many issues that are directly related to being molested.
I hate my body, often I feel so disconnected from "it". I loathe that physical part of me, and wish i could destroy it.
Can u relate to any of these things?

I'm feeling a little negative this morning, with yom tov coming up, and my therapist going away, i probably shouldnt be talking too much... b/c i really do have many wonderful things going on in my life.

anyway, hope u r having a good day, and hope to hear from u soon.
debbi
 
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little sheep
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i have very definate issues bec of my molestation...terrible fear of men, touch in general...unless i dissociate, i can't manage to take a full shower without panicking...i definitely can relate to hating various body parts. i'm a very long way from being able to get married, because of this.

i have so much i want to say, want to post...my mind is just such a big mush right now, that i'm having trouble thinking. maybe i will be able to try again tomorrow. i'm glad that there are other people out there who do take the time to look at the site, and read the posts and respond...thanks debbi!

little sheep


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"I'm getting better and better every day, in every way, with the help of Yud-Kay-Vav-Kay"~Rabbi Label Lam
 
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mouse
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I can relate to the issue with showers and being touched in general. I have found that although taking showers is still hard and avoided (no, I don't stink though,) I have found it easier to do when I make it part of rthe daily routine.

As far as being touched, well, all I can say is my poor husband. We don't touch much but there are other ways of expressing affection (though I"mnot too wild about even verbal compliments either.) I even had issues holding my babies when they were newborns because I didn't want them to touch me. Now that they are older,I'm used to it and give some hugs. I may not be physically the warmest mom or wife out there, but I feel considering what I've got to work with, I'm doinga pretty damn good job. (I must admit I still fail big time in the safety category given how often I mis-take my meds in practice for the "big overdose." But that's all I gotta say. It gets better when you are ready to marry. Find someone safe. I did and dont' regret it. He is socially slightly off but I knew that and liked the quirkiness. He is a good husband who has NEVER yelled at me and would NEVER intentionally hurt me. Knowing that makes things easier. There are guys like that out there. Don't look for the hotties....look for the normal ones who are nice. Hotties are good packaging but if nothing behind it, forget it.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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Debbi
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Yes i know what u mean about showers.
i can only take a bath actually, I can't take showrers at all. i think b/c of the noise of the water, and imagining that someone might walk in on me. (even tho the door is double locked)

LT, I know how it feels to have a "mushy" mind. Sometimes feels as tho there is so much in there, i can't possibly sort it all out.

i'm not in a very good place right now, which makes me think i shouldnt be posting. I dont want to offer so much negativity. Especially since i have come so far, and I do have good to share.

i want to support you, and help u see that u can get married and have a family.
i did it, i'm doing it right now.
its not smooth and easy, but i'm doing it anyway.
i hope u'll write again tomorow, and tell me how u r doing.

debbi
 
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mouse
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I know this is a wee bit off topic but, has anyone hidden their abuse history from their spouses or significant other? I have and for the most part it's ok but I'm wodnering if it would help decrease the suicidal stuff if I told. Either way telling isn't really an option, so I'm not sure I should even bring this up.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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little sheep
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6/5/08 10:39 AM
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i can't take baths OR showers without panicking really...although it's been improving slowly though. munkster, you're lucky you don't stink...i always feel like i do. my friends were great about it in high school, and when i finally admitted to one of them about my showering issues, she told me straight out that she knows, she just didn't mention it, cuz she knew how hard it was and that i don't like being constantly reminded about being dirty...right now, the shower method is that my mother sits outside the bathroom door to guard me, and be there in case i panic so badly that i need to be pulled out-dead embarrassing, but yeah, it did happen a few weeks ago...if other people are home, my father usually sits at the bottom of the stairs so no one should come up, or takes my sisters out-there's really no need for them to know that much!!

this is gonna sound crazy, but i'm gonna say it anyway...when it comes time for me to start looking for a shidduch, i know everyone will call me "too picky..." i've already chosen the yeshiva i want my husband to be from!!


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"I'm getting better and better every day, in every way, with the help of Yud-Kay-Vav-Kay"~Rabbi Label Lam
 
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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
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6/12/08 11:20 PM
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little sheep-
Did you look into emdr?
a lynn
 
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little sheep
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6/13/08 12:03 AM
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i did look into it. i didn't really click with the therapist who was recommended to me. in general i have a lot of trouble connecting with therapists, i'm on my eighth in nine years of on and off therapy. i do think i'm getting somewhere with this one, though. it just takes so long...

little sheep


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"I'm getting better and better every day, in every way, with the help of Yud-Kay-Vav-Kay"~Rabbi Label Lam
 
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mouse
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6/13/08 4:10 AM
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I am fortunate I have bonded with my therapist. (I have been with her for eight yrs.) However, it took a long time to find one I could trust due to abuse issues and abandonment issues. If you want it to work wtih your current therapist for an extended period of time, I suggest you discuss trust issues. For me it made the difference. Though, I still don't trust a new psychiatrist or therapist when necessary (day hospital, inpatient...)

Of course, life sucks and now I am looking at a new therapy situation. In past at day hospital DBT was very helpful. (Something I highly recommend.) So now lookign into DBT program that is quite a distance from my home. Oh well. I hope this helps someone. It prolly belongs in the therapy forum, but once skipping to differeent therapists came up...well.....

Also as for being too picky, I don't think you can be too picky when you think of spending time with the person for rest of life. Marriage is a life sentence unless you see divorce as an option going into marriage which defeats the whole purpose of marriage if you ask me. Sometimes though, you find that the yeshiva you choose may not have the guy you want or need. Test the waters. I'll be honest, I never heard of picking the guy according to the yeshiva but I was an "out of towner." I think it is a mistake to just give up on all other guys because they chose a different yeshiva unless I'm missing something. Either way, just be sure when dating not to fall into old patterns and marry someone like your abuser. It scared me so bad that I would and I guess I'm lucky I didn't.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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mouse
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6/16/08 3:13 AM
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did i just shut down this thread?


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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frumsw
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6/16/08 1:26 PM
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How did you handle the pregnancy and actually having the babies when you had touching issues even with your husband?


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mouse
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6/16/08 4:15 PM
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I didn't handle pregnancy well. I was taking meds from second trimester on and was suicidal almost the entire time. The only thing preventing me from acting on the thoughts was taht I could be put in jail if the babies died. The touching thing is still a very big issue and my husband knows that except for about once a day, I just can't handle it. He doesn't know what the situation really is and I'm not telling. I always reassure him not to take it personally and he is a really really patient guy. After the babies were born there were a few friends who would come over and hold the babies. I would do it too but prolly not enough to make a difference. It may not have been fair to the babies, but they came out ok for the most part. (One, I admit, has issues and is being held back in kindergarten -- but the cause is kind of vague and the issues are mostly maturity.)

Having kids while having abuse issues that are not entirely resolved may not be the best approach; however, I do not regret it. My kids are great even if there was a lot of difficulty having them. Perhaps adoption would have been better in some ways, but it wasn't really an option as my hubby is resistant to it unless there is no physical ability to have a baby naturally (which I understand.) In some ways the worst is over -- no more cuddling, hugging and feeding going on. However, new issues do arise, I admit. The worst is yet to come as they are reaching the age that I was when I was hurt and I realize just how little I was. For some reason, even as a teacher, this never really hit home.

I hope this doesn't discourage ppl from having kids cuz I think it's one of the best thing taht ever happened tome.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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little sheep
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6/17/08 12:27 AM
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i guess the yeshiva thing does sound a little weird...it's just 2 of my brothers went there-one is there now. the rosh yeshiva is very on top of the boys, gets to know them, never takes more bachurim than he can know. my older brother (who now works for the yeshiva) called my mother and said the rosh yeshiva is sending the younger one for therapy for anger management. i know that the rosh yeshiva is very perceptive, and if he sees something, he makes sure it gets taken care of. he's one of the people i trust. anyway, it's a long time until i'm going to even be thinking about it, i'm nowhere near ready to date, forget about getting married or having kids!!


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"I'm getting better and better every day, in every way, with the help of Yud-Kay-Vav-Kay"~Rabbi Label Lam
 
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mouse
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6/17/08 9:18 AM
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I guess this is a wee bit off topic, but LS, I now have a better understanding as to why you want a guy from a specific yeshiva; however, I wouldn't close out all other possibilities just because the guy didn't go there. You may find a really good guy somewhere else who for whatever reasons chose a different yeshiva. Maybe give priority to guys you go out with who are from that yeshiva, but to shut out possibilities just because a guy didn't go there may not be within your best interests. Anyways, I think you are wise to wait to go out until you are ready. I started dating at 19 and feel the first several years were a waste because I was young, immature, and had unresolved serious issues. I got married at 29 and truly do not care for people who think that it's too old. Better too old and able to handle a long-term relationship than too young and stupid and in the process of divorce.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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little sheep
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6/17/08 3:08 PM
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munkster, put it this way-if he's not from that yeshiva, he's gotta be checked out by certain rabbanim first, not just my parents! and yes, i think it is smart to wait. i just wish our society wouldn't put so much pressure on girls...the abuse caused me real issues that don't allow me to date, but of course, when every joe-shmoe calls up and starts giving advice, you can't say that, cause after all, it doesn't happen in OUR community...and if it did, you're damaged goods anyhow. GGGGGRRRRR we better get back on topic here cause this is stressing me out!


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"I'm getting better and better every day, in every way, with the help of Yud-Kay-Vav-Kay"~Rabbi Label Lam
 
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mouse
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6/17/08 6:57 PM
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I second those feelings of frustration and anger (at least if that was what it was.) I was also always told, "not in our community...." I decided to stay to myself and be frum rather than be in teh middle of things because of the whole denial aspect of the frum crowd.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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little sheep
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6/19/08 12:12 AM
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frustration, anger...call it what you want, i'm not too great at identifying feelings. i just know that since i was at the most 10 yrs old, i've felt mostly "negative" emotions, not positive. (thats not when the SA started, but that's when my outright issues became apparent) i had a great day today, went out with a friend...came home and within an hour i was down and depressed...for no apparent reason. sometimes, i just don't know what to do with me...


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"I'm getting better and better every day, in every way, with the help of Yud-Kay-Vav-Kay"~Rabbi Label Lam
 
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little sheep
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6/19/08 7:01 PM
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had the most awful therapy today, therapist said it's a breakthrough, i don't know...we read a few of my poems, and i froze up and couldn't move or breathe...i cried a lot, my mother had to come pick me up. it was not too much fun to have my therapist wiping my nose and face, but on the other hand, i was moved by it...still not back to myself, which is not good cuz i'm flying out of town in the morning for a bar mitzvah. all support welcome! if anyone has ideas how to keep the memories down just for a three day trip...i'd love to hear someone else's advice!


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"I'm getting better and better every day, in every way, with the help of Yud-Kay-Vav-Kay"~Rabbi Label Lam
 
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mouse
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6/19/08 11:18 PM
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I'm not that good at identifying feelings either, but that was the best I could come up with.

Anyhoo, sorry you had hard time today. I did too, thus I'm up at crazy time. I hate initial intakes with new therapists. They are always triggering for me. Also having probs with memory management. Sometimes I just try to temporarily "delete" the files (memories.) It involves using imagery. Kinda close eyes and think of your computer deleting a file temporarily that can be reopened at a different time. See the little file folder image go across screen and go in trash can. Maybe even delete something on computer that is NOT IMPORTANT. It may help with the image. That is generally what helps me, but I think it took practice in beginning. It was supposed to be image of putting the memory in a box and placing it on a shelf. I had a hard time with that image even after making an actual box to put it into though, thus I came up with computer image. I hope maybe this can help you feel better. Try to push it away and enjoy the bar mitzvah. Maybe it will prove to be a good distraction. (Another way to deal with the memories.)


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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little sheep
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6/25/08 8:40 PM
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i enjoyed the bar mitzvah B"H. now i'm back in the reality of life. i can't control my thoughts. the memories...everything is crashing down on me. i can't deal with anything. don't know what to do. imagary things only help me for a few minutes, as soon as i stop actively imagining something (like when i'm talking to a friend, eating supper or whatever) it comes right back. the images in my mind...i can't deal with it anymore. i don't know what to do. i know i'm repeating myself...i'm sorry if this makes no sense. the images come along with the feeling that it's happening right now, it's a physical feeling (body memory? except not every image is something that happened to me!) and i can't stop it or control it.


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"I'm getting better and better every day, in every way, with the help of Yud-Kay-Vav-Kay"~Rabbi Label Lam
 
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It's all good...
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9/5/08 5:36 PM
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Anyone feel like continuing this thread? I have some comments, questions... Let me know

Be well, everyone! :-)


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Hodu laShem ki tov...
 
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Debbi
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9/7/08 1:50 AM
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sure.
Let me know what questions and comments u have.

i still struggle with abuse issues, even tho i started this thread 2 years ago!
 
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