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TOPIC TITLE: child abuse
Created On 7/13/06 9:07 AM
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mouse
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9/7/08 2:38 AM
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why not continue this thread? I have enough abuse issues to drive anyone batty (including my therapist.) As I see my kids getting to the age that abuse and other problems set in (depression among them) I find myself more and more destructive. For me, I think depression and abuse did not start at same time. I do believe I was depressed and the abuse didn't help the situation. Not sure how to continue with this post so I'm gonna just let it be.


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It's all good...
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9/7/08 3:57 AM
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Sooo....here goes.

I'm sure I'm quite different than most of you on this thread (except maybe one or two--too lazy to go back and check now that I already have this window open...), but I really don't know what to do at this point in my life. I don't even know how to say all this...but I'll try.

I've been exhibiting symptoms for a while (most came out sharply when I started dating a few years ago) and they all point startlingly towards one scary direction. I'm afraid of coming too close to people, both in close relationships and physically, most of the time I can't stand being touched--especially light touch, I've struggled with SI and an ED, I blame myself for everything that happens to me and around me, I think I'm horrible and disgusting and sick and my self-esteem (while LOADS better lately) is low since I'm a young child, I'm flooded with overwhelming emotions so much of the time, I crave closeness so badly but then when it seems like it's getting closer I panic and run away, I have other issues with touch I can't describe here, I have irrational fears of being hurt by other people, yet I think I almost want to be hurt by them, I am terrified at the very thought of sexuality in any form, and nearly everything I see or hear reminds me of some crazy thought or image that takes up my mind... I feel like a messed up freak, and I feel like it's my fault I'm here in this sitch, cuz I don't have anywhere else to place the blame or the source of these issues. I have no memories of anything--not one--, but then again I also don't remember a lot of my life. I tend to remember what I find interesting or appealing, and forget a lot of the stuff I didn't like. (For example, I dated a lot of guys, and I have no recollection of most of them cuz I so disliked the dating experience...)

I really don't know where to go now. I'm blaming this all on myself cuz I have to. If it's not anyone else's fault, it must be mine. I've had ppl yell at me when I told them this, but I really don't know what else to believe. Unless there's an answer to this, I have to belive that it's my fault.

Now what?...

This hurts so much
I need to explode.....


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Hodu laShem ki tov...
 
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su7kids
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9/7/08 4:10 AM
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Its All Good... why does there have to be a blame? Can this problem not "just be"? What benefit is there from blaming? Are you dating in the shidduch system , or meeting guys on your own? Not sure how it makes a difference, just asking.

If you spend a lot of energy on the blaming thing, how are you able to work through the actual issues? Do you have a problem when you touch YOURSELF? Can you? (and I don't mean sexually).

If you had a girl friend who would work with you on at least touching, like your arm, etc, can you handle that? or even a therapist? APPROPRIATE touch, I mean?


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Holding on
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9/7/08 12:53 PM
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it's all good - thanks for writing my post for me!
 
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It's all good...
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Holding on--
What do you mean? You're in the same sitch as me?... Can you explain please?

Mom--
I'm not really sure why I feel the intense need to blame myself or somone else... I feel like it can't "just be" cuz it has to have come from somewhere, and if I don't know where that somewhere is, then it must be my fault. I know you're right, and I should just get on with my life and getting better not focusing so much on where this comes from, but...I dunno...I've tried to get on, but I keep coming back to blaming myself and putting myself down that I'm so messed up and a freak for causing all these problems on myself...
As for guys, I'm getting set up with them thru shadchanim (U think that makes any difference?...)

...I can touch myself, but there's a difficult issue there too. As for friends, the ones who know about these issues who are in the position of helping (they even beg me to let them help me...) I dunno....I don't like them touching me more than I mind it with other ppl. I don't mind hugs when they're just normal hello-i-missed-you or bye-have-a-nice-trip hugs. It's when ppl care about me that touch freaks me out. I don't necessarily mind when someone taps me on the shoulder, but when someone puts a hand on me (arm, back, etc) out of caring or concern, that's when I go crazy and pull away and my heart starts racing and I get physical reactions... Those physical reactions are what scare me the most. I honestly think something is messed up with me.....


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unhelpable.
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9/7/08 2:16 PM
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hi there.
It's all good...--
i can identify with not being able to be touched out of care or concern.
but sometimes when i'm really really down, i find that i'm really desperate for someone to come and give me a huge hug, and tell me that they care. but i don't let. it's like i really want and don't want something at the same time.
am i just plain weird?


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It's all good...
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9/7/08 2:32 PM
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Un, ;-)

Not weird at all!! I totally know what you're talking about! Like I'll crave a hug so badly, but I won't dare ask for one, and I'll be terrified of it at the same time as I want it so badly.

Plus, don't really have ppl around me who are hug dispensers. Except Mom, but I'm not really so keen on hers. So I just go without the hugs till I crash, and then hugs don't really help anyway :-P

Virtual hugs are nice tho. No touching involved, and it shows that the person you're talking to cares enough to extend themselves. Here:

(((HUGS!!!)))

Keep some for later :-)



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unhelpable.
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9/7/08 2:50 PM
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It's all...--
thanks. here's a cyberspace one back, ((HUG)).


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su7kids
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9/7/08 3:50 PM
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I would imagine that the touch issue comes from the fact that you were abused by someone you trusted and who you thought loved you, and it becomes another TRUST issue to allow someone to touch you and PROVE to you (somehow) that they won't abuse you.

I still don't believe YOU are mssed up, though, Its all.... I think this is a result of a situation of something that was done to you without your permission.

There is a little "game" you can play with yourself which worked really well with a friend who had an abuse issue when she was younger and felt that the adults in her life didn't react properly.

That is, look at yourself now, as the X year old adult you are now, and think, if that little girl came to you, or was living in your house, and you saw the abuse going on, would you help her? Would you stop it? Would YOU, the ADULT, take care of it and make sure it stopped and never happened again?

If the answer is yes, and I strongly believe it is, then, take YOURSELF, as an ADULT and picture that little girl (even if she was 16 years old) and talk to her. Tell her that you want to make it right for her and that you will protect her. Its almost like telling you to be schizophrenic, but its not, because its SELF TALK.

I think if you can do that, even with the help of your therapist if you need to, you won't need to FEAR it happening again at this stage of your life. You would NEVER let it happen to your own child, and you would never let it happen to that young YOU, if you were in charge.

So assure that young You that you are the Boss now, and you will be sure not to let it happen again.

See if that works.


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It's all good...
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9/7/08 10:23 PM
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Mom--

Inner child work, right? I know that I would protect a little girl if she came to me...but...I dunno...I sorta get stuck when I think of myself as a little girl. I don't remember when I was young. I don't know what I was like, I don't even remember how I felt at all--all my memories are numb and I barely remember feeling anything any time. It's almost like that little me was not a real person at all but just a shadow that wasn't really there... I don't even for sure believe that I was hurt by anyone, cuz how could that be...? Me? Little me? My whole life I remember commenting that "nothing ever happens to me"....was I wrong the whole time....???

I just went to talk to my "therapist" today, and she stirred up all these intense feelings in me, and keeps pointing out that all the things I tell her every time keep pointing little red flags toward some kind of thing in my past...it's so scary...so unreal...can it really be?......


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su7kids
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9/7/08 10:31 PM
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It could be, but the question is, do you have to be in touch with that moment in your life? Is it not enough to just know that if that little girl was hurt and if she came to you, you would protect her?

I'm not a therapist, so I don't know, but I think that finding another reason not to go and protect that little girl with amnesia is not helpful. I think even if she can't remember, she still needs love and protection from You the Adult.

Just some thoughts. Just be there for her, you are not her THERAPIST so you don't need to know the details of her life and existence, you are her loving nurturer and just need to know THAT she needs you and that you're there for her.


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It's all good...
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9/7/08 11:05 PM
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But...how do you actually *do* that? How do I support and nurture her? How do I assure her she won't get hurt...?


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su7kids
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9/7/08 11:17 PM
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by talking to her and KNOWING it.


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Holding on
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9/7/08 11:59 PM
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it's all good - almost everything you write I could have written.
About the desperately needing a hug and being terrified of it at the same time.
The self blame/guilt, being scared of becoming emotionally close, SI, all of it.

When I first mentioned my 'Do not touch me' 'rule' to my T, and the horrible physical reaction to it, of course she asked about abuse. Same with my friends. I have no memories whatsoever. None of s*xual ab*se, and very few of my life in general from when I was younger.

Su - my T tried getting me to do what you are suggesting - talking to the 'little me', but I couldn't do it. She started off by asking me to talk to her', asking how 'she' felt. I was barely able to get that out (still horrible at expressing or even identifying emotions) and when she asked me why I was feeling scared/alone... I couldn't do it. I was shaking, my heart was racing and I practically begged her to stop, to leave me alone.
Even talking about it, or envisioning being touched, I can't.

dunno what's wrong with me.
(and I don't have a T)
Lost case? I definitely feel that way
 
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su7kids
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9/8/08 12:02 AM
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Holding On, you're not a lost case, you're a work in progress!!! I still think you need to start small and not necessarily uncover everything that happened to that little girl, but to just assure her you're there for her.


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Debbi
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its al good,
i was in therapy for five years before i remembered the abuse.
And when i remembered i was so shocked. I couldnt allow myself to believe that my father had done the worst to me.
three years onwards, and i still go from absolute "knowing", to total denial. it makes me feel crazy.

i also very much relate to the gentle touch u describe.

whenever my therapist goes into her gentle empathic, nuturing voice, telling me that i am loveable, that mu husband and children do care about me.... i cringe, and either i fade away into my own mind, or i feel physically nauseous and shaken. And this is without ever being touched by her physically.

i agree with su, that for right now, u may not need to know what/if something happened. although as i say it, i know how difficult that is in reality...almost impossible in fact. There is an invisible line, pulling towards the past...trying, needing to connect the dots, and eventually finding tranquility within the chaos.

Can u relate?
 
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It's all good...
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9/8/08 5:53 PM
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Mom (I still get a kick out of saying that :-P)--
I tried talking to her last night. Soothing voice, assuring her she's safe, that nobody can hurt her, that I wouldn't let......and it didn't work. I couldn't do it for more than a few minutes. And I felt so dumb, even to myself. I can't even visualize what I looked like as a kid...let alone how I felt. I don't think it works for me....

Debbi--
I don't have five years to find out. And I don't want to "remember" from being asked, cuz I know that I have the amazing ability to hear things and truly believe that they're real to me. I'm terrified of falsified memories. I'm already so scared that this whole thing I'm going thru now developed cuz I heard that abuse may have been in the picture. My friends and therapist have assured me that that makes no sense at all--that nothing comes from nowhere and that nobody would make all this up like this (I'm not sure I'm convinced.....). Every time I leave a session I come out believing that I was hurt, and within a few hours, I'm back vehemently denying that it can even be a possibility.

I know that I should forget about it--whether it happened or not, I gotta deal with what I have now, and I try to just work out the here and now and forget tryign to figure out if it did or didnt happen.....but I need to know. Cuz if it didn't happen, then I'm a horrible person for making all the symptoms up, and if it did happen, then I need to know how to get past it.....
And it's almost strange. When I'm talking to her, and she says something triggering that pushes me into a "trance" as she calls it (sorta like a bubble of intense feeling, sometimes painful, mostly just overwhelming and suffocating and super intense--both emotional and physical) I almost like to stay there. I don't know why, cuz it's not altogether pleasant. It's just...like...comfortable. Like I like the intensity. And I want to go back to it, visit it again. There are no memories or pictures there, just strong strong feelings and intense body sensations. I don't know why I like it or why I like going back again. I'm an intense person by nature, so maybe that's it?.... I dunno...just doesn't add up....

I'm yet to find the tranquility in it though. The only tranquility I find is when I look for it in the present. I have some, thank G-d, and it's those times when you work for it--that inner peace--and attain it, it's the most amazing feeling in the world. It's sorta what I envision the ultimate closeness with Hashem to be like.....



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Hodu laShem ki tov...
 
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su7kids
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9/8/08 9:42 PM
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its all.... a few minutes was a good start. Don't imagine yourself at that age, imagine yourself and you may have wished you would have been or something, or any little girl and call her "me" just keep doing it, and don';t worry if it ifeels ridiculous, it will work. I promise.


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It's all good...
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9/8/08 11:57 PM
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I can try...

Dunno, it feels like I'm getting it wrong. Guess I'll try and see. U sure it works for everyone?


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su7kids
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9/8/08 11:58 PM
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I'm not sure, but I think its very helpful.


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It's all good...
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9/9/08 1:10 AM
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Thanks for caring so much...

It's nice to have ppl who care enough to spend time on you.

I feel special :-)


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Aba
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9/9/08 10:48 AM
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Mom,
I really think your advice to tell one's younger self you will protect them is really really cool (As they say in Yiddish/Yashivish It's an AyinFal). I hope to pass it on to my wife tonight.

I have one thought, a Haurah, I would like to share, my wife also has some issues with being touched, her diagnosis is she suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder, and as far as we know, and we are pretty sure, she was mentally and emotionally abused but not physically or s**ally abused.
If my memory serves me right by Dr. Judith Herman says in Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence--from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror (Paperback). It is a common symptom of any one who is suffering from PTSD and related diagnoses, BPD being one of them, which as she also explains covers more types of abuse then one may have originally thought.

This book was suggested to us by a therapist in the out-patient group in 4 winds and it is really really insightful. The book is, in my opinion, a must for anyone who had to deal with abuse.
At first glance the book is a difficult read, very small letters, and it is technical but it's worth a shot.

Kol Tuv,
Aba of 4


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden

Edited: 9/9/08 at 10:45 PM by Aba
 
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It's all good...
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9/10/08 10:18 PM
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I'm still trying....

Am I supposed to feel anything? Should I focus on how she's feeling or how I'm feeling when I'm talking to her...?


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It's all good...
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9/10/08 11:18 PM
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i'm....choking...............suffocating..........
the pain is so real and so deep and so sharp and so hard....


what's happening to me..?...


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su7kids
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9/11/08 2:07 AM
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I don't know if you SHOULD feel something, but the idea, I think, is to talk to that little girl who is so reluctant to have good things happen to her, and tell her that YOU are now there to help her, and ask her what she needs and you see what you can do for her. Reassure her that you're there for her, etc.

See what develops. There's no script.


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Debbi
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9/11/08 9:40 AM
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Hi Itsy,

I'm so sorry you are feeling such profound pain.
Unfortunately I too am in the midst of feeling this raw pain. I t goes on and on, even as I sleep.
Can you arrange an extra session from your T?
Perhaps this kind of inner child work needs to be done with proffessional help, or at least together with another person?

If your feelings are so overwhelming, I'm not sure if u should be doing this on your own.

I know that the best thing to do when u r feeling that much pain, is to distract yourself by doing something enjoyable.
Excersise is a great way to lessen the pain.
I know that when I am told about any techniques to lessen my anxiety etc, its very difficult for me to hear, whilst i'm in the midst of the pain.
So i understand if right now its hard to "do" anything, except "feel" it.

I really think u should call your T, and tell her whats happening.

Let me know how u r feeling.

D.


Edited: 9/11/08 at 9:46 AM by Debbi
 
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It's all good...
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9/11/08 2:22 PM
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I don't have to call her. She knows already. Spoke to her last night and the night before. She's not a professional, so she's not sure what to do with me now. She's speaking with a therapist who she thinks might be able to help better, and then will begin the process of figuring out what to say to my parents..........

I can't do this again....I was brave so many times...over and over...and now I have to do it again.................

I'm so tired from being brave. I just want to be held a little, reassured, someone to take this huge thing off me so I can breathe easier and feel whole again...

And I think talking about this makes it worse..... :'(


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Debbi
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9/11/08 9:15 PM
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what does that mean? Talking to your parents? Don't they know? Are you not living with them?

And what is it that you cannot do again?
What is this huge thing that feels so suffocating?

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((ITSY))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Sending you hugs, and reassurance that this too will pass, and that you will I'yh get the help u need.

thinking of you, and hoping you will get thru tonite, and get some help tommorow
D.
 
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It's all good...
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9/11/08 10:37 PM
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My parents don't know anything. Cuz I don't tell them. Cuz I can't hurt them. So I put on a great front, smiling, being happy, acting hyper and fun and loud and comfortable, never letting on how much pain I'm in. It's good, in a way, cuz when you put on a front, it sorta affects your mood inside, too. But....it's so so hard to have to cover everything up...to have to make sure your facade is not slipping when you're talking to your parents or siblings....to be crying in your room and then have your mother call up the stairs and in a split second your tears are dry and your voice is happy and cheerful.....to feel so guilty clicking off these kinds of sites or changing the topic of telephone conversation as someone walks by....to lie thru your teeth when they ask you how things are, or what you're doing now, or who you're with now.......

But by now, I'm so good at it, that I can't bear to let it slip...I can't even think about letting anyone from home know what's going on....cuz then it would change everything. I don't think my parents would understand what I'm going through at all. When I was burning myself and my old therapist made me tell them with her, they freaked out and were so so pained and didn't understand anything at all. And right after that, I smoothed it all over, never bringing it up again and pretending that all was finally right with me. They know that I've had some minor things I wanted to talk with therapists about (they're strangely quiet about therapy at all, even tho I've been going to different therapists, psychiatrists, and Rabbis about "things" for the past 2 years) and they don't really ask too many questions (mainly cuz I don't offer any info), but if they knew the real reasons why I need help, I *know* they'll freak out, totally not understand me, not believe me, think that others planted info into my head (did they...? that thought terrifies me...) and be on my back forever after this. I don't want them to know anything. I've been putting on a front for this long, I can't take off that mask now. I can't hurt them, and them finding out I need to go see a trauma therapist will hurt them so so badly......i cant do that........ And I'm afraid most that they won't believe what pain I'm in cuz they see me acting so normally the whole day. Even more than normally--I look like I'm happy and well adjusted and having a fine time. I can't face trying to explain it all to them...looking them in the eyes and telling them that, yes, I lied to them day after day saying, "Yeah, things are fine, I'm great," when I was really fighting not to die inside. I don't think I would be able to explain to them all that goes on inside me. I won't be able to do it properly, and then they'll think so badly of me...or wrongly of me..........I just can't do it.

But.........but I also can't keep living like this. The feelings take over me sometimes. And the body sensations, too. And scare me. And make me wonder if I can ever get thru this. Maybe He wants me to live my life like this, and make the best of everything while feeling all this. I dunno. I so badly want to get thru this, to get on with my life. I just want to get married already, to get away from home, to forge my own path, to have a special husband who will grow with me and understand me and take care of me and not hurt me......but I'm scared....i'm really scared....

I can't tell my parents. I just can't. It's a crazy story as it is, even to my own ears. I don't even know what happened...what led to these things...I fear so much that I caused all these reactions and fears to develop by focusing on them...and by liking the emotional attention they got me.....I'm so ashamed of myself...and so so upset for making things hell for myself.....

What have I done.....?? What have I done..........


I will get thru tonight, just like I got thru all the other tonights. I will turn off this website, smile and breathe to push away the demons, turn to my books, finish homework and assignments, get into pajamas, and then go to bed praying for the nightmares to start so that I can maybe I can make sense of all of this...and maybe have a way I can introduce this whole thing to my parents...........



Gosh, just read that over and it sounded so negative. I'm ok. I will be ok. If you ever met me on the street, you wouldn't know I'm Itsy cuz I'm the happiest little gal in the group. And I really am happy. I have so much to be thankful for, and I'm consciously looking to increase my already present simchas hachaim. But......but......it hurts. So so much. And it's so hard living two lives. Both are equally me, I am both very happy and very sad. But the sad me needs the attention now......cuz I feel like I'm slipping under.........

Thanks for listening, y'all.....

Have a beautiful night! It's all good. Somehow.....


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iWish
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9/12/08 12:36 AM
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omg...itsy!

it's frightening. that coulda been my post (except maybe a bit more eloquently written
i'm assuming the specifics are different...but oh so much is the same... don't know why, but i'm blown away by that.

i know that each person is different and each situation is different, but if your pain is anything like what mine's been the past little bit...i just wanna tell u that i care. i really do. and i do think that i can relate to a lot of what u've written and are feeling.

here's some hugs n kisses XOXOXOXO
i hope it helps.

iWish


Edited: 9/12/08 at 12:38 AM by iWish
 
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unhelpable.
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itsy. woah...
hope thing work out. i really do.
thinking about you,
un.


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"everyone crys every now and then, my tears just happen to be red."
 
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Debbi
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9/14/08 12:00 AM
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just read your post itsy,

First of all I am so sorry that your feelings are overwhelming you. I know how hard it is to wear the mask when inside you feel like dying. ((((((hugs))))))

I think that you are fighting this too much. I fought too, but in the end I had to face the pain.
The part that is trying to "tell" you that you need help, is the healthy part of you. This part is pushing you to face wahatever it is that u need to acknowledge.

Dont fight so much.
Allow the process to happen.
You will be a much better therapist, and understand others better, if u work thru your own stuff.
Whatever the "it" is that u r running away from, wont dissapear until u confront it.
Find yourself a competent clinician, who is kind and compassionate, but has strong boundaries too. Go and do the work, we will support u here, and you will build up a real life support system too.

itsy, my heart goes out to u.

The profound pain on one hand, and the wish for normalcy on the other. The smile on the outside, and the roaring pain deep in your heart.
You are not making this up...it all sounds too familiar to me, and to others here...TRUST your feelings, and do what needs to be done.

please let us know how u r doing.

((((((((((((((((((((itsy))))))))))))))))))))
I am sitting with you in your pain.

D.
 
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It's all good...
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9/15/08 8:40 AM
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Thank you, everyone.....it's so comforting that you know and care...

How do I stop fighting? I don't know how to do it. I don't even know if I am fighting to begin with. I don't feel like I know anything at this point...
What do you mean allow the process to happen....? I know I gotta work thru my own stuff--which is what I'm doing, or at least trying to do. I just dunno where I'm going wrong...
:'(

I feel like I made everything up. I feel like I created it all.......



I apologize for being so negative. Time to smile. It's all good somehow.
I'm gonna be brave. Brave and strong.
[brave smile]

Thanks, you all...for being there
itsy


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Hodu laShem ki tov...
 
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Debbi
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9/16/08 2:56 PM
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itsy,
(frustrated b/c i wrote a long reply to u, yesterday, which got deleted, and had no energy to re-cap......my brand new laptop is going down the drain!..arghhhhhhh dont buy TOSHIBA.

ok.
The way i see it, is that ppl who "want and need" to fabricate...such as Hypochondriacs, will never admit that they are either exaggerating or fabricating thoughts, feelings or actual events.

You do NOT come across as someone who is doing the above. On the contrary, from the communication on these forums, u sound like a stable, intellegent understanding person, who "knows" what you are feeling.

So i would say, dont fight the very feelings u r trying avoid, by saying u r making them up. Do u understand?
Its easier said than done.
It, requires a good therapist, who is willing to give u as much support as u need, as well as family and friends. You can't get through this alone.

Having said that, if in the end "this" is nothing, then u r home free. And you will look back on this as one big nightmare wink* wink*

Therapy is a process, u know that.
I dont know if u've been in therapy, or not, but its a process especially if u are dealing with past abuse issues.

tell me how u r feeling today, and what u have done to find a therapist.

We will be part of your support system here, and hopefully u have RL ppl too.

I think u r a wonderfully, strong and empathic person. Your thinking is clear, and u understand what people need so well. I think the mental health community will welcome u with open arms, and you'll help alot of ppl.
You are years younger than I, and you have helped me tremendously.
So...you go girl!!
debi


Edited: 9/16/08 at 3:17 PM by Debbi
 
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It's all good...
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9/21/08 1:25 AM
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Debbi...thank you so much for your special reply. I read it and couldn't help but smile. Means a lot.....
:-)

I hear your logic about those who need to fabricate who won't admit to it....but I really think I have made this all up--not consciously, cuz I know I didn't do that--but I feel like a part of me sorta took the smallest handhold and made a tiny thing into a big deal... It's like a part of me inside *knows* this is all a fabrication and that it's my fault and so I can't believe that anything really happened to me to cause me to go in such crazy directions. It *is* my fault. I know it.

I wish I could believe you...cuz it would take such a huge weight off my shoulders...but there's something blocking me from that and making me blame myself.

What feelings are you talking about that you tell me not to fight them by saying I made them up? I'm not sure what you meant there...

I know therapy is a process. I've tried before... Haven't had the best experiences. But I'm scheduled to meet someone new this Monday...hope she's the right shaliach sent to help me.....

And no, you're wrong about the "home free" part. Cuz if nothing really happened to me, it means that there's something terribly wrong with me that I got myself into such a huge mess with behaviors like these and fears like these and thoughts like these.....i fit the abuse profile almost exactly. If it's not true, then something is horribly wrong with me for creating such a thing.....

Either way things turn out, I have a lot of pain ahead...

Shouldn't tell you how I feel today. What'd be the point of that...? Why make everyone who reads this board read more junk and negative stuff?...


Thanks again for your kind words and compliments. They made me feel good.

Be well...

It's all good still...somehow...

itsy


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Hodu laShem ki tov...
 
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Debbi
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9/21/08 3:25 PM
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First of all I think u should tell us how u feel today. Thats the whole point of this support group.
We are here to support each other when things are difficult.
If every one here kept quiet and did not share their pain, then how would we be of support to each other......so please share, it would be helpful to u, as well as to others, b/c they may not feel so alone, when they see that there are others out there suffering too.

The other thing I wanted to say is, that if u have all the symptoms which point to abuse....then why are u so adamant that "it' never happened?
It doesn't make sense.
This world is a logical one, on many levels.
People have symptoms, and those cluster of symptoms point to a particular illness whether mental or physical.
I mean its like saying, My blood sugars are sky high, I feel irratable etc etc....but I "know" that I could not have diabetes.
The symptoms are there. I dont believe it is possible to "make up" symptoms such as yours.

But lets say, u r such a good actress, and you really have been making all this up, (whhich part are u facbricating exactly, i'm not sure i get it), or as u say, that it all could be on a subconcious level, have u tried to understand why u would need to torture yourself unconciously?

i was reffering to feelings of sadness, depression, anger, lots and lots of pain, betrayal etc etc....these are all things which i myself fight, b/c i dont want to deal with them.

((((((itsy))))))
I feel your pain.
I thinks its worse "not knowing" something than "knowing"

I really hope u get some clarity soon, with this new therapist.
Let me know if she's good, I'm looking for a new one myself.

take care of yourself, and PLEASE tell us how u Really feel.....it can still "be good".....even if u have strong feelings......
debbi
 
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little sheep
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9/21/08 8:27 PM
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ok, i'm gonna be really nasty, and jump in now with my own issues, i hope you don't mind itsy, but i can't read everything to catch up...

sorry i haven't been around for so long everyone. but i'm back. and in massive pain. i can't even describe it. the memories are really getting to me. i wrote my 82nd poem this morning. and all this isn't even helping. i don't even know what to say anymore. having body memories. keep SI'ing to stop the pain, but we all know that it doesn't really help. my T is giving a workshop tonight, so i can't even call her. besides for that she doesn't even know that i SI. i can't reach any of my friends over the phone. i don't even know what i'm expecting to gain from this post. but just thought i'd try.

whatever. i'm so messed up right now...
ugh. the emotions, the images...i can't deal anymore...i can't...

little sheep


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"I'm getting better and better every day, in every way, with the help of Yud-Kay-Vav-Kay"~Rabbi Label Lam
 
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It's all good...
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9/22/08 9:07 AM
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Debbi--

I don't make sense. This whole thing doesn't make sense. Either way, I'm one sick puppy...

I'll be ok.

Little sheep--

I'm sorry you feel so bad...
(((hugs)))....





I want to get out of here
itsy


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Hodu laShem ki tov...
 
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little sheep
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9/22/08 9:39 AM
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i feel very disgusting. ok friends, i need you all. how on earth do i stop the body memories? my r/l friends who haven't experienced this (thank GOD!) don't understand when i tell them that "It's on me, It's in me, and It's hurting me" or anything like that. they keep just telling me that nothing's there and it's all in my head. they mean well, but it's really not helpful!! what should i do to stop it?

little sheep


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"I'm getting better and better every day, in every way, with the help of Yud-Kay-Vav-Kay"~Rabbi Label Lam
 
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Aba
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9/22/08 9:44 AM
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little sheep,
I don't have any answers to help you but since it's bashert I on when you posted I will say a prayer for you I hope it helps.
Aba of 4


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden

Edited: 9/22/08 at 10:00 AM by Aba
 
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little sheep
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thanks aba...i need all the prayers i can get...i just barely squeek out mode ani in the morning and shema at night...so to know that someone's praying for me really helps!

little sheep (i almost signed hurting, but that's my user name for a different support site, not this one! although, any s** abuse survivors who are interested in more info about that can pm me, and i'll tell you where to find it!)


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"I'm getting better and better every day, in every way, with the help of Yud-Kay-Vav-Kay"~Rabbi Label Lam
 
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little sheep
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9/22/08 11:03 PM
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really really really freaking it won't stop...pray for me everyone! please!


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"I'm getting better and better every day, in every way, with the help of Yud-Kay-Vav-Kay"~Rabbi Label Lam
 
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little sheep
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9/23/08 10:47 AM
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doesn't ANYONE know how to get it to stop? ANYONE? SOMEONE?

i have to leave soon to go teach (well, a few stops first). while i'm teaching, i can usually push it down to just below the surface...but it's still right there, and won't go away...and i don't see my T again til friday! i can't talk about these things over the phone when she calls to check on me...i don't even know if i'll be able to tell her when i see her on friday!

so far, the only thing that's been working at all is biting my hand, really hard. i haven't done that in two days. i don't want to do it. i'm scared i'll break through my skin, and how will i explain that? i never even told my T that i do that at all!

i wish i could just be done with all this garbage already...does it ever end?


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"I'm getting better and better every day, in every way, with the help of Yud-Kay-Vav-Kay"~Rabbi Label Lam
 
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It's all good...
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9/23/08 1:40 PM
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T cancelled on me an hour before the first appointment. Family emergency. Said she'll call me when she can reschedule. Dunno when that'll be...or if she even will be able to at all...


[breathe]


I can do this.

Just another test. I can pass this.







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Hodu laShem ki tov...
 
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Aba
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9/23/08 1:54 PM
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>T cancelled on me an hour before the first appointment.
I'm very sorry to hear that I'm sure it's very disappointing and frustrating.
>I can do this.
Yes you can keep it up.
Aba


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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It's all good...
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9/23/08 4:43 PM
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So frustrating cuz I thought I was doing the right thing for Him.
And He said no.
Frustrating cuz I waited so long to finally maybe be able to understand something...anything...
Frustrating cuz this was the chance that I could maybe let go of my mask for a little bit. But no...
Frustrating cuz I'm beating myself up all day about being guilty. And it hurts so much.
Frustrated cuz I'm so so tired of this whole thing...
Frustrated cuz I was so brave...and it goes nowhere...

But that's life, Itsy. Get over it.

Is this pain? I don't even know anymore. When you slap yourself too many times, you get numb.








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Hodu laShem ki tov...
 
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Aba
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9/23/08 4:49 PM
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Itzy,
Is it rude to ask what you are talking about?
Aba


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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little sheep
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9/23/08 6:30 PM
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itsy, don't worry, the T will reschedule, it will happen, it will go somewhere...you will get your chance!


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"I'm getting better and better every day, in every way, with the help of Yud-Kay-Vav-Kay"~Rabbi Label Lam
 
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It's all good...
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9/23/08 11:23 PM
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Little sheep--
I hope so... but I can't really hope so cuz I don't want to get my hopes up.

Aba--
I dredged up the courage to make an appointment with this trauma person...agonized over it for a week till yesterday...sat so often in paroxysms of terror and horrible feelings and body memories...and when I'm outside her office she tells me she can't see me, and that she doesn't know when she can.

I feel so stupid for making a deal about this. So utterly stupid. But it was the only thing I was looking towards...I've been hurting for so long and nobody has been able to help me get up off the floor....I'm just lying here now, cuz I have no energy to pick my head up...I know I can get thru this...but I'm beating myself up more than ever now......I'm so tired...and I need to let out all this stuff in me...but I don't know how...and nobody else does either..........I don't want to go down that road again, but I so long to put a knife to my skin.....

Am I being stupid? Tell me. Yell at me. Scream at me, hit me, slap me, beat me up...... Hurt me. That's what I need.





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Hodu laShem ki tov...
 
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Debbi
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9/24/08 12:59 PM
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Itsy,

I want to comfort u, but feel that words are so inadequate for u right now. The intensity of your pain, literally jumps at me, right off the page!.
Having T cancel while u r waiting outside, is completely horrible. You had psyched yourself up to be there. You had been thinking about the appointment, and what u would say, and whay u wouldnt say.....so much energy put into this appointment......and then she cancels...

You are NOT stupid for making a big deal.
Of course its abig deal!!!!
A VERY big deal.
If u were her client, and this wasnt your first appointment, I would tell u to call her and reschedule....
Did u have her last appointment, I mean was your appointment in the evening? Did she cancel everyone? Or only her new clients? The reason I ask is, b/c if she has family issues right now, then perhaps it would be wise to look elsewhere, and know that she obviously was not the right Shaliach.

Has she contacted u yet?
Can u call her, and ask her if she will still see u, or if u should go elswhere, as you cant wait until after Yom Tov.?

I hear your exhaustion.
Be kind to yourself.
I dont want to yell and acream, and hurt you!!...no one does....
Thats not what u need right now.
You are hurting, why would u tell us to add to your pain???

You need caring and gentelenness, not abuse.

(((((((Itsy), please take care of yourself. Get out of bed....are u eating? Its important.
Get up, and use your small bit of energy, to call this therapist, or find someone else.

I am thinking of you, and I know that Hashem is too.

debbi


Edited: 9/24/08 at 1:43 PM by Debbi
 
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