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TOPIC TITLE: Feel like giving up.
Created On 8/21/06 8:02 PM
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Debbi
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Posts: 488
Joined: Oct 2005

8/21/06 8:02 PM
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This place has been pretty quiet lately. I like to think that its because everyone is feeling and doing well. I truly hope so.

I think that is why I have not been here as often. Well, thats not completely true, because I check the site at least once a day, but I havent felt the need, or had the time to write.

Having said that, it looks as though I have the need to write when I bump into difficulties.

So, here goes.

I have a Simcha coming up in my family. My own family that is. I really thought my mother would have the courage to overcome her anger and whatever else she was feeling.
I believed she would have the ability to put aside the past.
Just for a moment.
A few days.
To share in our Simcha.
Alas she has chosen the opposite.
She has sent a message via one of my siblings, that she will find it very difficult to attend.
If she should find the ability, then it will be for as short as possible.

I am shocked.
I am stunned.
I want to cry, but my eyes are dry.
I want to scream, but I am paralyzed.

There is a space deep inside me. A dark empty space which can never be filled.
I feel like dying.
I feel like throwing myself out of my car as a I drive along the highway.
There is a terrible rage inside my soul. It seems to curl itself around me. Its iron fingers choking my heart.

Why?
Why is my mother abandoning me once again?
Why have I been so stupid for believing that at least this time she would come through for me?
Why?
If she allowed my father to molest me, then why should she bother to be there for me now?
I am stupid.
Utterly and ridiculously stupid!

I feel stupid.
For hoping
and believing, when in reality there was nothing to believe in.

I'm a coward.
I should have faced the truth when there was still time.
And I didnt because I was too scared.
I didnt want to feel the sadness of being alone.
I was afraid to feel that mindless need for the caring of a mother. Or a father.
And so now I suffer.
Once more I suffer.

Deep inside me, tears flow.
Deep inside I want to die.
Deep inside I want to give up.
Deep inside I cry and I cry.

But outside, no one knows.
Everyone around me believes that I am okay.
Even my therapist doesnt know just how deep these feelings run.
How the slash of loneliness slices through my being, so that I am left breathless and bereft.

Even G-d can't save me now.
Can He?
Does He want to?

Am I so bad and worthless?
Was it my fault that he came into my bed?
I was 5 years old.
Can it still be fault?
Is this my punishment?
Is it?

I suppose I deserve it then.
He used my body, and now it is my turn to be punished.

My mother cannot forgive.
He is her husband and she cannot forgive.

I cannot forgive either.
myself.
 
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tulip
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Posts: 31
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8/21/06 11:43 PM
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Debbi, I hear your pain, anguish, angst, despair.
Don't hold back the tears, you have what to cry about.
Let them flow, and may you find peace within your heart oh so soon.

Gentle hugs,
tulip
 
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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
Psychologist

Posts: 914
Joined: Feb 2005

8/22/06 12:46 AM
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Debbi-
It is very common that when selfish, narcissistic parents take advantage of us, that we blame ourselves. However, this distorted thinking is treatable. It is important to not let people's behavior influence our sense of self worth. Otherwise we remain victims. Whether your mother comes to the simcha or not is irrelevant, in my opinion. The important thing is that you are celebrating and those who love you will be there with you.
Mazel tov!
a lynn
 
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Belly
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Posts: 152
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8/22/06 2:23 AM
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HI Debbi
First of all Mazal Tov.
I can understand that you long to be with your mother. I know that feeling, but when my mother is around I have to deal with the issue that my mother is the way she is. She has not changed and I really want a dream mother which does not excist.
Debbi please don't blame yourself. You know that what happend is not your fault. Your parents have to be punished for abusing / not protecting you! YOu haven't done anything wrong in your life to deserve such a horrible thing!
I send you hugs and please remember at your Simcha to look at your husband and kids and be happy and proud for having such a beautiful family!
Belly
 
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ernie55B
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Posts: 419
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8/22/06 8:44 AM
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Hi Debbi,

Yes, things have been quiet and it would be nice if the reason was as you hoped, that everyone is feeling so much better.
But, unfortunately, I suspect that is not the case; not by me anyway.

I don't have much to add to what was said already. I wish I had some brilliant thoughts about how to help you in this tough time.

All I can say is that I'm really sorry you have to struggle with this. You seemed to be doing better for a while. It is sad that a simcha of all things should cause you such distress.

I want to wish you a heartfelt Mazal Tov and may you continue to have much nachas from your family.
Try to focus on that aspect as much as possible. YOUR children. The ones you love so much
and who bring you the most joy in life.

Take good care and enjoy the simcha as much as you can.

Ernie
 
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Vivi
Junior Supporter

Posts: 5
Joined: May 2006

8/23/06 2:17 PM
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Debbie,

I'm a rare poster here - more of an observor - so please forgive me for chiming in here -

I just feel so sorry for your pain. At the time of a simcha, you deserve to be surrounded by your loved ones with complete joy. I am sorry if your mothers absence - or brief appearance - makes such a dent (to put it mildly) in your simcha.

It seems to me that your mother's way of coping with your devastation is to be in denial. She has built a false world around her to protect herself from a truth which she finds too painful to own up to. So she finds it beyond her courage to face you, because that is an admission of her failure to protect you at most, and vindicate you at least.

There's no room here for guilt on your part. None of this is your fault. Please don't let her choices affect your simcha so much. You don't have to let that kind of pain mar your joy.

Mazel Tov, and hope you can feel pride and joy at your simcha.

Vivi
 
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Debbi
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Posts: 488
Joined: Oct 2005

8/24/06 11:38 PM
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thanks to all of you who support me.

i dont really understand why my mothers absence is causing me such distress.

I should know better by now.

I dont know whats happening to me. I'm finding it difficult to function properly. Hard even to write here. I am tired. Very tired. I trudge thru the day, feeling as though there is a thick piece of glass surrounding my being. The glass is all dirty and foggy, and i cant see very well.

i want to be happy, and energetic.
i want to enjoy my children and husband.
Yet they all feel so far away. Beyond reach.

I feel as though I dont belong here anymore.
i need my family to be seperate from all the craziness and sadnesss.

i need to dissapear so that they can live a normal life.
i dont want them to be a part of such disgusting horrible things.

am i making sense?

i feel so tired. I feel old. No energy. my eyes feel heavy. I cant write. I cant even think any longer.

just wanted u all to know how much i have always appreciated your support and caring, when i've gone thru hard times.

thank u all.
hoping all of u are zoche to menuchas hanefesh.

D.
 
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Belly
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Posts: 152
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8/25/06 1:08 AM
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Hi Debbi
Please don't give up! You sound so sad. I wish I could come over and just take all this sadness away from you!
You children and husband need you and want you even if you are having hard times!
SImchas are very stressful times and this is why you probably are stressed out and having a hard time. Try to get as much rest as possible!
I have to go now, but please let us know how you are doing!
Hugs Belly
 
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Belly
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Posts: 152
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9/2/06 3:59 PM
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Hi Debbi
How are you?
You said in your posting that you don't know why your mother's absence is causing your distress.
I think that no matter how old we (at least most of us) are and for what reason our parents can't ( or don't want to) be with us it's a hard issue to deal with.
I guess does are feelings many people have to deal with and since we are more sensitive it knocks us off a bit.
Hugs
I hope you are feeling better.
Belly
 
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