Joined: Oct 2005
8/21/06 8:02 PM
This place has been pretty quiet lately. I like to think that its because everyone is feeling and doing well. I truly hope so.
I think that is why I have not been here as often. Well, thats not completely true, because I check the site at least once a day, but I havent felt the need, or had the time to write.
Having said that, it looks as though I have the need to write when I bump into difficulties.
So, here goes.
I have a Simcha coming up in my family. My own family that is. I really thought my mother would have the courage to overcome her anger and whatever else she was feeling.
I believed she would have the ability to put aside the past.
Just for a moment.
A few days.
To share in our Simcha.
Alas she has chosen the opposite.
She has sent a message via one of my siblings, that she will find it very difficult to attend.
If she should find the ability, then it will be for as short as possible.
I am shocked.
I am stunned.
I want to cry, but my eyes are dry.
I want to scream, but I am paralyzed.
There is a space deep inside me. A dark empty space which can never be filled.
I feel like dying.
I feel like throwing myself out of my car as a I drive along the highway.
There is a terrible rage inside my soul. It seems to curl itself around me. Its iron fingers choking my heart.
Why is my mother abandoning me once again?
Why have I been so stupid for believing that at least this time she would come through for me?
If she allowed my father to molest me, then why should she bother to be there for me now?
I am stupid.
Utterly and ridiculously stupid!
I feel stupid.
and believing, when in reality there was nothing to believe in.
I'm a coward.
I should have faced the truth when there was still time.
And I didnt because I was too scared.
I didnt want to feel the sadness of being alone.
I was afraid to feel that mindless need for the caring of a mother. Or a father.
And so now I suffer.
Once more I suffer.
Deep inside me, tears flow.
Deep inside I want to die.
Deep inside I want to give up.
Deep inside I cry and I cry.
But outside, no one knows.
Everyone around me believes that I am okay.
Even my therapist doesnt know just how deep these feelings run.
How the slash of loneliness slices through my being, so that I am left breathless and bereft.
Even G-d can't save me now.
Does He want to?
Am I so bad and worthless?
Was it my fault that he came into my bed?
I was 5 years old.
Can it still be fault?
Is this my punishment?
I suppose I deserve it then.
He used my body, and now it is my turn to be punished.
My mother cannot forgive.
He is her husband and she cannot forgive.
I cannot forgive either.
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